Merrill Lynch needs a new logo to more accurately reflect the trajectory it's been taking of late, and its goals for the future. Though an image of CEO John Thain wearing a custom designed executioner's mask with space cut out for a ball gag would be the logical successor to the bull, this is a family firm and that kind of smut, while fitting, won't fly. Luckily, we have another good candidate for consideration.
It's this monster beast that Gawker reported had washed up ashore in Montauk yesterday. No one really knows if its some sort of viral ad campaign or the product of a nearby government animal testing facility close by in Long Island, but that's all immaterial. This thing is perfect. First of all, it sort of vaguely resembles a really fucked up looking bull and preserving a sense of history is important. Secondly, it looks like there's something coming out of Monster Beast's ass, not unlike the blood gushing from Merrill's posterior. Thirdly, it's clearly about to die and, if you look closely, is giving the middle finger, which is more or less the exact same thing Merrill's doing, like, yeah, fuck you as I die, shareholders, Lehman, American banking system and so on and so forth. Finally, it's absolutely terrifying, and I would posit--and I don't think I'm alone here--the only hope for turning things around. You make a haunt-one's-nightmares, unimaginably scary who-knows-what-it-is-or-what-it's-capable-of monster your logo, people know not to fuck with you.
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 1:09PM
Gasparino just gave DB some cred...
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 1:12PM
the new logo should be a jar of French's Mustard
Posted by HAM05 , Jul 30, 2008 1:12PM
thats the illigitimate aborted love child of sam israel and the 'egret'
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 1:16PM
That's one of Mama Godzilla's abortions.
Posted by Anal_yst , Jul 30, 2008 1:16PM
this is amongst your best work, bess, although I would have appreciated a disclaimer somewhere along the lines of "finish chewing/swallowing your lunch before clicking through".
That being said, wtf ever that thing is, it is horrible, but if it had wings would be pretty freakin sweet
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 1:22PM
I once saw a bull in Mexico eat its own poop.
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 1:25PM
You idiots ... it's a sea turtle without its shell. Dumbasses ...
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 1:26PM
Citipoop. Funny.
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 1:31PM
Wow...now who's gonna wipe my half-chewed burger meat and pickles off my monitor?
~LexSteelz
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 1:33PM
SEA TURTLE W/O SHELL
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 1:34PM
Why was there no mention of this in the most recent BeachComber?
They must be saving up for a knock-down, drag-out Mayo vs. Mustard edition this friday.
-BeckyBootFan
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 1:36PM
Really? Nothing on the db love from CGas on cnbc?
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 1:36PM
@11-- because it just washed up yesterday.
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 1:36PM
That is NOT turtle.
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 1:36PM
Spew.
Seriously...
-DK
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 1:37PM
Now I see it -- that is a turtle without a shell. That's sad.
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 1:40PM
look at the face, that is not a freaking turtle.
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 1:41PM
Definitely not a sea turtle... the proof is in the legs... turtles ain't got legs, and definitely not arms that are capable of 'giving the middle finger'...
RIP... you ugly ass freak by-product of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant..!
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 1:42PM
face kinda looks like Tokka from Ninja Turtles (the turtle mutant thing)
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 1:43PM
The Ugliest Catch
Sig Hansen - Capt. - Northwestern
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 1:48PM
Turtles are attached to their shells. Doy.
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 1:50PM
Gasp is dating Bess and bromancing JC. I saw the three of them squat-racking it @ Golds in Long Branch.
-retail
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 1:50PM
It is not a turtle, but throw it on the grill, add some Mayo and yum yum.
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 1:50PM
Turtles also don't have teeth. Looks like an athymic nude rat.
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 1:50PM
its not a turtle - despite what mario taught you, a turtle can't take off its shell, its part of its skeleton.
dumbasses
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 1:51PM
cartoon network viral campaign
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 1:52PM
its not a turtle - despite what mario taught you, a turtle can't take off its shell, its part of its skeleton.
dumbasses
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 1:53PM
I once saw that thing eat its own poop. It was awesome.
Posted by HAM05 , Jul 30, 2008 1:53PM
its not a fucking turtle dumbass, turtles have scaly skin. Haven't you ever seen a lubriderm commercial?
also: http://www.stupidquestionsanswered.com/answered/turtle.htm
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 1:56PM
hammy, while you are right about it not being a turtle, the lube commercials feature alligator, not turtles.
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 1:56PM
Waiting on confirmation that it's a pic of tgfd's dog.
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 1:57PM
fuck the turtle, not turtle debate (and it's not a turtle)-- should or should this not be merrill's new logo?
a. it should.
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 1:57PM
A chupacabra?
-BeckyBootFan
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 2:01PM
Hey Becky, I once saw a chupacabra in Mexico eat its own poop
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 2:01PM
Is that one of the CDO's they pretend sold to Lone Star?
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 2:02PM
#25 & #27 -
Thank you. My favorite comment of the day.
p.s. I loved Tokka. He was the only Ninja turtle character I had.
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 2:03PM
Anyone else just notice that the bull's wang in the ML logo looks like a lightning bolt?
Posted by BSD , Jul 30, 2008 2:07PM
It's pretty clear this is a Griffin baby, its wings have not yet grown. How sad.
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 2:09PM
Its that thing from Ghostbusters!
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 2:10PM
Chupacabra !!!
~Bad Leg Quezada
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 2:12PM
I once saw John Thain eat his own poop at the Bronx Zoo.
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 2:13PM
Confirmed: tgfd's inter-species erotica's lover.
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 2:13PM
you guys - that's no creature from the abyss, that's jimmy cayne on crack...duh!!!
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 2:15PM
@37. Great observation. I've never noticed that before. For that matter it looks like his front left leg is stroking that bolt.
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 2:17PM
This is a situation for yellow mustard.
Posted by bank_teller , Jul 30, 2008 2:24PM
that is clearly dick fuld
http://www.portfolio.com/news-markets/top-5/2008/07/30/Regrettable-Comments-by-Bank-CEOs?page=2
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 2:25PM
This is a decomposed dog. Probably a breed similar to a bulldog.
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 2:33PM
@ #47 at 2:25
Dogs don't have beaks.
Posted by Madmoney , Jul 30, 2008 2:33PM
No. 47 wins.
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 2:35PM
now that BER is gonne, ML could change to Bull for a Bear
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 2:35PM
a turtle without it's shell is dead. this thing washed up on the beach dead. therefore, dead turtle should not be ruled out.
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 2:35PM
Bess, read gawker much?
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 2:38PM
Dogs don't have beaks and turtles don't have hind legs.
Can we please put to rest the notion that it's anything other than a photoshop job.
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 2:38PM
Chickens don't have lips.
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 2:41PM
#50 doesn't have a GED.
Posted by Bess Levin , Jul 30, 2008 2:41PM
Mensa @ 2:35 (3)-- you cut me real bad with that one. and clearly the answer is no, I just link to them. any other brain busters?
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 2:41PM
idiot's
turtles do have back legs
http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1308/1372032523_b764204257.jpg?v=0
Posted by FUNdamental , Jul 30, 2008 2:43PM
That is the first course for the opening ceremonies in beijing.
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 2:43PM
@ 50
You're an idiot.
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 2:48PM
No. 49 loses with a call that borders on Crameresque levels on inaccuracy. Worse than No. 47 for the making the assertion in the first place.
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 2:48PM
That's a Great White. I saw one before.
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 2:49PM
That's a Great White. I saw one before.
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 2:51PM
@55
I was thinking the same. Total asshat.
Posted by Johnny , Jul 30, 2008 2:51PM
Bess & JC,
Please, for the love of all that is holy, can you please ban the 3rd grader from the site (ie, eating poop and mayo comments). Funny for a bit, but getting annoying. Everybody else, please don't yell at me for encouraging the juvenile (or recent fin'l layoff). It's clear he/she/it isn't stopping.
Kind Regards,
Johnny
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 2:53PM
I can't believe #50 exists.
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 2:53PM
@64: too long, didn't read
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 2:56PM
@66:too short, didn't read
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 3:03PM
ever noticed that you can actually see the bulls balls in the MER logo.
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 3:18PM
If talking about mayo is wrong, I don't want to be right.
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 3:21PM
Wow. This whole f'king bunch above is who CFO.com is paying banner ad dollars to DB for huh. Don't know who the sales person at DB is, but well f'king done...
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 3:23PM
Jurassic Pig Roast. Which considering ML's condition these days; may be necessary as a fundraiser...
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 3:24PM
it's a skinned raccoon
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 3:26PM
I love lamp.
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 3:27PM
It's a turtle; you know it.
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 3:43PM
#62 is exactly right. It is a great white that mutant-ed from ingesting saran wraps that we throw into the ocean. Then it got beached and got sun-burnt.
I saw one in person.
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 3:45PM
it's not a turtle, fucking idiots.
Posted by DrederickTatum , Jul 30, 2008 3:53PM
Great post...
Almost as good as this classic:
http://dealbreaker.com/2007/11/deutsche_bank_alex_brown_is_th.php
Posted by Anal_yst , Jul 30, 2008 4:09PM
@ Drederick
That sh!t was awesome, thanks for reminding me of those jokers...
...also whatever this thing is, I promise you that Sam Israel brought it back from the future in his time machine
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 4:27PM
Turtle without it's shell? You people work in Finance? How?
Posted by Debter , Jul 30, 2008 4:35PM
Not a turtle, the dog post is correct. Look at it this way, the dogs nose is made of cartilage (most of it) which has decayed. What you see, that looks like a beak, is really the bone for the nostrils. Turtle DO NOT have teeth (see bottom).
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 4:41PM
Its a dog that has merged with a turtle in a (futile) attempt to survive. A durgle....that was so easy.
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 4:43PM
@ mr.81,
Total props to you dude, that was hilarious... tying it all in together quite nicely!!
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 4:44PM
@ mr.81,
Total props to you dude, that was hilarious... tying it all in together quite nicely!!
Posted by DrederickTatum , Jul 30, 2008 4:47PM
@77 - Bess,
When DB switched over to the new format, the infamous Alex Brown photo got lopped in half. Anyway to correct it?
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 5:22PM
It's not a god-damned dog. Does the proportion of that thing's skull to its body look canine?
Why would the cartilage from its snout decay quicker than the flesh off its back/legs?
Do dogs have incisors (beaks) at the front of their mouths?
http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.skullsunlimited.com/graphics/sm-130-lg.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.skullsunlimited.com/domestic_dog_skull.html&h=657&w=900&sz=160&tbnid=q00WC_lMdVcJ::&tbnh=107&tbnw=146&prev=/images%3Fq%3Ddog%2Bskull%2Bphoto&sa=X&oi=image_result&resnum=4&ct=image&cd=1
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 5:22PM
I had a turtle before...just punished the toilet and feel great.
~LexSteelz
Posted by Finnegan , Jul 30, 2008 5:26PM
God!! It's a rabbit... f"ing idiots.
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 5:28PM
It's the new political animal for fiscal policy.
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 5:34PM
It's clearly manbearpig.
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 6:06PM
Just like Merrill it is a Dog however this one has no fleas
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 8:00PM
Looks like John Thain to me.
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2008 8:54PM
@ Drederick
http://www.dealbreaker.com/images/entries/deutsche%20bank%20alex%20brown.jpg
Posted by guest , Jul 31, 2008 10:01AM
It's a baby ox.
Posted by guest , Jul 31, 2008 11:26AM
http://www.contactmusic.com/photos.nsf/main/golf_09_wenn1409471
Posted by guest , Aug 01, 2008 10:31AM
last night i was having some cocktails with friends and we were discussing the montauk-monster thing. It has been concluded that it is a dog, which after dying and spending enough time in the ocean was bloated, hairless, and pickled by the salt-water. Explains the odd shape, hairlessness, color of the skin, etc.
Posted by guest , Aug 01, 2008 11:39AM
NOT a turtle.
A turtle's shell is attached to its spine. Without its shell, its body would not be intact like this because the spine would be ripped out.
A shell doesn't just pop off like this. Stop watching so many fucking cartoons.