Suicide is painless, unlike the the 20 year (plus however many more the judge adds on for my little stunt) a-reaming I’ve got coming my way. My only hope is that I don’t run into any former clients while I’m in there. That would not feel good.
Surely you people can do better.
Earlier: Sam Israel Surrenders
Oh, the fat f&ck was just too fat to run, duh
Of all the days to forget to wear a bro…
Maybe if I just cover my ass with my hand, it’ll all be ok…
An Fellas? Can we stop by a Men’s room? I’m prairie doggin’ over here…
Bitch set me up!
You’ve got the wrong guy, I’m his twin brother Oscar…
clearly, youre not a golfer
Fuck..I knew the rope would have broken.
Shoot! The Feds made me get dressed so quick I left my undies in the RV…
elian gonzalez??
The whole jail sentence deal sucks, but pales in comparison to the case of fetal penis-head I’ve been dealing with since birth.
Can you loosen the cuffs so I can pick the thong out of my crack?
Wish me and Doc Brown finished that Time Machine
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, got any gum?
Wish me and Doc Brown finished that Time Machine
Uh, is this where I should put the “Exit Only” tattoo?
Wish me and Doc Brown finished that Time Machine
For a second I thought that was Ace Greenberg.
my back hurts. oww.
Does this tie make me look fat?
Isreal, while surrendering to authorities, was quoted as saying, “God dammit. I keep having to pull out egret feathers. Why didn’t we pluck them before jamming him up there? At least Gere shaved the damn gerbil.”
I’m going to prison to play hide the mayo.
It wasn’t me… It was the One armed man!!!!!
I should have used more mayo on my sandwiches, yeah!
Well we’ve got you now Israel, and it’s gonna cost you an extra 10 years. Now go home for 30 days before your new sentence begins.
I’m up to three fingers! NOW I’m ready for prison, Brothers here I come. (And here’s where you’ll…ohhhh boooooo)
Suicide by brownie ingestion takes time.
Why does everyone say I could be Meredith Whitney’s body double?
So then, I started walking towards the white light…and that crazy bastard in the Town Car nearly ran me over.
Suicide is painless. A cellmate named Butch however…
I sure could use some peanut butter cups about now!
@1:33 wait, you really are oscar
I’m way too pretty for prison
Can we do house arrest until I have the baby?
This is wack.
“What’s going to happen to my egret?”
That’s actually Paul Giamatti.
Jews will do anything for money. SInce when is that a crime?
Will MASH be shown in the klink?
I’m going to drag you to temple and get the rabbi to mozeltoph your face!
Who loves ya’ baby?
Who loves ya’ baby?
Who loves ya’ baby?
Geez, I apologize for the multiple Telly Savalas references.
@150 – +1 well done.
Please, don’t let me go back to NJ.
i’m not your guy, friend
Couldn’t be bothered.
Candy Crowely heads to the CNN makeup room
“On the other hand….”
Now that the cyanide is fading, I am back in action.
“You dont send bail-jumpers to federal-pound-me-in-the-a$$ prison, right?”
“… and the 2nd one was supposed to be an egret, but my jailhouse tat will be a tramp stamp riiiigghhtt oooovveeer heeeerrree…”
Who moved my cheese?
i’m not your friend, guy!
The officers were considerate generous to handcuff only one hand, allowing Israel to read off the 2nd quarter Bayou earnings
“OOPS…I DID IT AGAIN”
I’m not your guy, buddy!
“Does my personal investment in Bayou qualify for restitution from the $156 million recovered by authorities?” asked Sam Israel III
Got Lasik. Saw my girlfriend for the first time.
imoscar.com
What? I am a Red Sox fan.
The Big Question…..
When do the investors get their money back from that turd? It seems that in the US, someone can steal $zillions, get caught, pay a relatively minor fine to the Govt, go to jail for a few, come out and be a very wealthy criminal celebrity.
The people he stole from get the end of the stick with the shit on it. Will this case be any different?
Fresh Fish, Fresh Fish!
What’s for lunch.
I was on sabatical but I am back now, I have some offshore investors very interested in backing my next venture R.I.P., Ltd. (Rikers Island Partners, Ltd.).
I’m not your buddy, fwiend!
I’m not your buddy, pal.
Where is my mommy? Can I see my mommy?
Once you go black…
[this is not a caption]
is it winter in Massachusetts? How come there are no leaves on the trees?
@ 2:31
…your dick shrivels up and falls off!
I am a buddhist now.
Looks like a cross between Telly Savalas and Mister Potato head
Bess Levin without her wig.
papa can you hear me…..
It puts lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again…
are those Dockers?
@2:40 You take that back.
it’s carney without his make-up on.
We don’t need a death penalty. We’ve got the Tossed Salad* Man. If I had the choice between the electric chair and tossing a salad I’d be like, “So where do you plug it in? Shouldn’t I be wet first?”
* Having your salad tossed means having your asshole eaten out with jelly or with syrup. I prefer syrup!
Locked in cell block-A I see
Things they’re going to do to me
The anal pain thats sure to be
I flease investors then I flee
Refrain
My pants wont soon be stainless
The Egrets are all blameless
And I’ll be traded for smokes if they please
-countrarian
I LUV Black Dick
On the next episode of “Where are they now”, we explore the rise and dall of pop brit recording artist, Boy George. Stay tuned…
Do you really want to hurt me…do you really want to make me cry….
‘I’m in deep.. ugh, I mean, they gonna go deep. I scared..
Note to self: be sure to buy some of them soap-on-a-roap things (Can’t remember where I saw them but I seen ‘em somewhere.. Maybe in some old movie.. but whatevers.. I sure somebody still sells ‘em) as to thwart them mofo’s waiting for my soap to slip out me hand.. You still got it old boy, you still got it [pat self on back]..’
D
Ok, the good news is that while I was away I located the $400MM! After a very careful review, I have determined that it was stolen by the very same market speculators who have been manipulating the price of oil; can you say “two birds, one stone”? Here I have a seed proposal for a Canadian Recovery Fund… “Why Canada?”, you may ask..
OMG! He’s gonna get the mayo now!
*WSJ: Federal Prosecutor: Israel Took Fentanyl, Morphine Tuesday
100% legitimate headline that just crossed on Reuters.
He couldn’t even kill himself properly!!
News Flash???
Sec’y Paulsen says today in London that he is looking for a way to let big IB’s fail with the govt seeking to offer some kind of protection for the investors on the other side of the IB’s trades. He wants something like the protection offered to commercial bank depositors.
Looks like there’s a move to prevent any more Bear-type bailouts.
He’s just took a little, it will help when he uses the Klinger Defense at trial.
And for my next trick, watch me pull an egret out of my a$$…
Do I really look this bad? All the chicks used to tell me I was good looking. I wonder what went wrong…
“Mom brokered hedge fund fugitive’s surrender”
This is classic the big time hedge fund manager needed his mommy to broker a deal for his surrender!
“He is such a good boy… really misunderstood,” said his mother.
A PI friend tells me the best way to catch deadbeats,con men or killers on the lam, is to get Momma’s cell phone records.Eventually, the perp calls home, and one family member will know where he is hiding out.Once you get that info, creating a sting to flush him out is easier than doin’ Babs Walters, and you can still look at yourself in the mirror.
my mom tells me it would be okay if i were a fugitive as long as i called home more often.
SHOUT OUT TO 1:48PM!!!
HE’S THE ONLY ONE WORTH SHOUTING OUT. LMAO. BESS, GIVE THAT MAN AN AWARD!!!
(2:48 is to be sung to the tune of Suicide is Painless)
I’m too sexy for my cat
too sexy for my cat
what you think of that?????
Watch your cornhole Sammy!