While all the serious financial journalists are scampering around town hoping to score a copy of The Bear Trap, we’ve got a far bigger story here. Leveraged Sell-Out has written a book! “Damn It Feels Good To Be A Banker” won’t be released until August 5, 2008. But we obtained an advanced copy, which we’re going to excerpt for you here. (You can order a copy here.)
DIFGTBAB thematically walks through Wall Street culture. With chapters like “No. We do not have any `hot stock tips’ for you,” “Mergers are a girl’s best friend,” and “Georgetown? I wouldn’t let my maids’ kids go there,” the book captures the true essence of being in high finance. The book features various, vivid illustrations of Bankers in their natural state (ballin’), and numerous, insightful comments from actual readers of the website LeveragedSellOut.com.
After the jump, we present an exclusive excerpt wherein LSO explains why you’re not right for investment banking.
Fact #6 – You’re just not the right fit for us.
MILLIONS OF PEOPLE try to land jobs in Banking every year, hoping to get their paws on the immeasurable rewards that the business offers. As such, financial institutions must implement extremely rigorous recruitment processes to ensure that the brightest minds are lured in and the garbage is kept out of sniffing distance.
I went back to school for on-campus recruiting this year. It was hard to imagine that I could feel any cooler than when I was a student, but as an alumnus working at a Bulge-Bracket Bank, I did.
I felt a rush as soon as I stepped into our auditorium and saw hundreds of students buzzing around, trying eagerly to grab the attention of anyone in finance. They ran around like chickens with their heads cut off, regurgitating the same slew of questions to anyone who would listen. I took my post behind our table and spoke with an enthusiastic but aloof candor.
“What’s the work/life balance like in Banking?” I’d be asked.
Immediately and sternly I would respond: “The consulting firms are in the back.”
“How does your Bank compare to the others?”
“We’re better. Here, take a water bottle.” And, laden with paraphernalia and pamphlets, the young sycophants would either scurry along or loiter by our table hoping we might let some insider information slip.
Girls came by the booth, and they were starry-eyed. I suspect many weren’t even interested in finance but just hoping to bathe for a second in our presence. They received both a water bottle and my business card, just in case they “had any questions.”
The Lure
I had to be courteous to everyone, regardless of qualifications, but I didn’t particularly feel bad about instilling false hopes; that’s what we do. We entice students from all backgrounds to apply so we have the lowest acceptance rates, even if that means my spending five minutes humoring some dumb Spanish major who doesn’t have a chance in hell.
Someone in East Asian Studies came by the table for information and, unsolicited, started to describe how learning Chinese was extremely “analytical” and applicable to finance. I tried to see the connection for a minute, and then I just started picturing this guy with a half-bald head and ponytail doing a discounted cash flow analysis with a huge paintbrush, ink, and a scroll out of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.
could this read like more of an ad?
No, but that’s ok – ads are supposed to read like ads.
This book is going to be hilarious
These wankers don’t even have Bloomie. IB cunts.
Guys got a face you just wanna punch.
sounds like a protege of Jeff Skilling…
I did not authorize this biography. My autobiography “Pimp Tight Banking or Ballin’ on Welfare Checks” comes out next spring.
eh
Never, never, never wear a blue shirt with white collar and cuffs unless you wear white clown shoes and a red ball on your nose as well.
Uber Dresser
@7 where can i preorder?
@3,4,5.
You are all right.
@10 i would say wire the funds to my UBS account but uh, yeah.
Damn It Feels Good to Be Out of IB and On the Buyside
Wonder what TGFD would say?
TOGFD
So 2007
This is that book by Amit Chatwani the english major or something right?
LSO needs to merge with Anonymous Lawyer in order to survive.
Over in DC, a small regime change in the house…
Update 2 – This message was sent out by Blunt’s office:
“Although, this Democrat Majority just Adjourned for the Democrat 5-Week Vacation, House Republicans are continuing to fight on the House Floor. Although the lights, mics and C-SPAN camera’s have been turned off, House Republicans are on the Floor speaking to the tax payers in the gallery who, not surprisingly, agree with Republican Energy proposals.
All Republicans who are in town are encouraged to come to the House Floor.”
Update 3 – Democrats just turned out the lights again. Republicans cheered.
Update 4 – Republican leaders just sent out a notice looking for a bullhorn and leadership aides are trying to corral all the members who are still in town to come speak on the floor and sustain this one-sided debate.
Also, Republicans can thank Shadegg for turning on the microphones the first time. Apparently, the fiesty Arizona conservative started typing random codes into the chamber’s public address system and accidentally typed the correct code, allowing Republicans brief access to the microphone before it was turned off again.
“I love this,” Shadegg told reporters up in the press gallery afterward. “Congress can be so boring…This is a kick.”
» Continue reading House Dems turn out the lights but GOP keeps talking
Update 4 – The scene on the floor is kind of crazy. Normally, members are not allowed to speak directly to the visitor galleries, or visitors are prohibited from cheering. But in this case, the members are walking up and down on the floor during their speeches, standing on cheers, the visitors are cheering loudly. Some members even brought in visitors, who are now sitting on the House floor in the seats normally filled by lawmakers, cheering and clapping. Very funny.
Democrats faced a choice here – should they leave the cameras on and let Republicans rip Pelosi & Co. on C-Span, or should they leave the cameras off and let the Republicans have their “tantrum,” as one Democratic aide characterized it, with the cameras off. So the cameras are off, but Republicans, and the crowd, are clearly enjoying the scene.
Uodate 5 – Republicans are literally hugging each other on the House floor. Rep. Don Manzullo (R-Ill.), not normally known as an distinguished orator, just gave a rousing speech, accusing Democrats of stifling dissent. He referenced President John Quincy Adams, who returned as a House member after being defeated in his bid for re-election as president. Waving his arms and yelling, Manzullo brought the crowd (including a lot of staff shipped in by GOP leaders to fill up the place), and he left the floor to hugs from his colleagues. You don’t see that up here every day.
Update 6 – Rep Devin Nunes (R-Calif.) just pretended to be a Democrat. He stood on the other side of the chaber and listed all of the GOP bills that the Dems killed.
He then said “I am a Democrat and here is my energy plan” and he held up a picture of an old VW Bug with a sail attached to it. He paraded around he house floor with the sign while the crowd cheered.
Ah yes…a filibuster to get us started on the weekend
The guy on the cover’s face is the reason why black people will never respect the white race.
LSO is plastering all the financial blos. I’ve already seen this same ad on 3 other sites. at least they are giving out different excerpts
Ron Paul!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sad, sad, sad. The saddest of wannabes, pretending to be a player. Grow up and shave more than once a week, my friend, before you pretend to know what the hell you’re talking about.
should be called “Damn I’m an idiot for being a published author”…took 2 years to come out, now totally off, latest reason proving me right for creating my own publishing company, i bet i outsell this prick 3 to 1
Timny,
Put the bong down and suck in some reality… You stepped up to the plate with a Mexican dinner dish and got served…
A real man would have made back his clients money, before tapping… How far underwater were you when you tapped?
Besides serving your ego, why are you still seeking the “attention”…
There is no reason you need to be seeking the flame like a moth, in front of all of us, all of the time… we deserve a break from your incessant self promotion…
Is this the douch-iest brag-fest EVER? If I had a douche like this working in my office i’d shit-can him immediately. How could a client ever take me seriously with a tool like this hanging around and haranguing the receptionists all day about how “ballin” he is.
What self-respecting banker would ever whore himself out in such a desperate down-market hollywood way.
A publicity-whore like this guy should be a publicist, not in banking.
Love-the Obama-halo on the cover almost as much as the anchorman hair.
It’s a decent read.
T
i feel priviledged to be 1 of 5 people working in finance who has a sense of humor. everyone else, keep calling this stuff douchey and taking it seriously.
see you guys at tenjune tonight
The author isn’t even a banker. The book is just fiction based on his friends’ “experiences.” That being said, not exactly a good time for an obnoxious, albeit very funny, book to be coming out (not that the author has any reason to care). 99% chance the NY Times or some other liberal-leaning newspaper picks up this book and runs a mini-expose on the lives of bankers right next to another sad, heart-breaking tale of the family of four from a mining town in West Virginia who just lost their home and can’t buy gas, health insurance, etc because of big bad wall street.
The only people who actually talk and think (aspire?) like this are Indian guys. Funny then, that they put a white guy on the cover. The whole thing reads like an Indian “McLovin”, but instead of McLovin’ trying to be the “blackest white kid”, this guys is trying to be a douchebag white guy, which apparently equals “cool” to Indian guys. Unfortunately, the only people who will appreciate (or enjoy) this book are other Indians who think that being a banker will make them cool too. Sad. Great timing too. The whole thing just sounds stupid now.
20 – the welfare line is why white people will never respect black people.
31 – I think you love Indians too much, and are really insecure. Relax. McLove this biatch…
DIFGTBAB = Do I Fukkin Get To Be A Bitchass…
I know where they got that water bottle! Personalized Water Bottles
I know where they got that water bottle! Personalized Water Bottles