This month's Radar has a story on the business of fucking people for money. Apparently it's still de rigeur among old(ish) rich guys, especially those employed by banks and hedge funds which: makes sense. The writer interviews a trio of girls about what it's like to make an assload* of money for relatively little work, and overall it seems to be a pretty easy gig, save for the superhuman task of having to keep a straight face when your colleagues let their freak flags fly. Which brings us to the blind item of the day! Who is the man being described below?
*See what I did there?
Olivia recounts the time she was hired by a prominent hedge fund millionaire. "He took out all these large bills and placed them on the bed and said, 'Don't touch.' I was instructed to take my clothes off, everything. No foreplay. So I got on the bed, and he just stood at the edge of the mattress and stared. He told me that all the money was going to be mine by the end of the night. They were all hundreds--maybe 50 of them. Once I got naked, he got on the bed and unzipped his pants and told me to start playing with myself. I kind of just laid there and faked an orgasm. He started jerking off, and he shot all over the money." She smiles and hesitates for a moment before continuing."So then he grabs all of it in a bundle and throws it at me! I think he called me a dirty whore. Then he separated every bill and stuck them to my body. After he puts the last one across my mouth he looks at me and goes, 'I told you it would be yours.'" As the client watched, Olivia peeled off the bills and put them in a plastic bag. When she got home she let the money soak in the kitchen sink overnight, blow-dried it, and used it to pay her landlady.
And: can we get a guesstimate on how much semen that is? Got to be at least 10 cc's.
Secrets Of A Hipster Hooker [Radar]
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 2:37PM
He managed to shoot on all 50 bills? Enough for them to stick on her? I can tell you, that's very impressive. What do you think guys? GAnalYst
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 2:43PM
Just when we think we're the best species on the planet, sex comes along and reduces us to monkeys. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 2:47PM
larry robbins
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 2:47PM
Sounds like one of the studs at Goldman. They're kinky as hell and have what it takes to spurt spurt spurt over 50 bills.
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 2:47PM
Mike Mayo
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 2:47PM
I just don't think 5K is worth being called a whore and covered in semen-soaked bills. Unless you are a back office type, then we call it a bonus.
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 2:52PM
James Simmons
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 2:53PM
Stevie?
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 2:53PM
vikram pandit (when he was at old lane)
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 2:55PM
OJ Mayo.
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 2:56PM
not stevie, since his own worth is in the billions.
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 2:57PM
skeet for stocks
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 2:58PM
@8 It is very SAC like...
Posted by Cincinnatus C , Aug 19, 2008 2:58PM
i can't guess who it was, but i'm pretty sure my employer jizzes on my paycheck and lets it dry before handing it to me.
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 3:00PM
@13-- how is is SAC like? there are no shemales involved.
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 3:00PM
It sounds like a friend of Spitzer.
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 3:01PM
this is how they give out bonuses at RenTec.
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 3:02PM
Gotta be Keith Olberman.As if a whore would know her hedge fund mangers...what, she subscribes to Institutional Investor?
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 3:03PM
Well played #6. Well played. Kudos!!
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 3:04PM
@18- haha, very good point.
Posted by girl , Aug 19, 2008 3:05PM
Carney with a bunch of monopoly money?
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 3:06PM
Sounded like one of Bill O'Reilly's taped phone sex commentaries to me. Oh, those tapes bring back the memories!!
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 3:06PM
At least she got cash instead of a horse-shit rights offering and stock options.
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 3:13PM
I'm not the mystery $5k man. I didn't take the CFA Exam either, but...
It's only me; I'm home from the sea.
It's TGFD the sailor.
I'm back from vacation. My three weeks at sea was quite an enjoyable adventure.
I know you all missed me. Well, maybe some of you did.
The Guy from Delaware
Posted by Tapecracker , Aug 19, 2008 3:16PM
After performing a cursory due diligence on her client and his ability to provide ample liquidity, perhaps this frisky, little entrepreneur asked for some "Seed Capital".
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 3:17PM
Bush league.
~Peter North
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 3:17PM
Woah. That sounds so timmay!
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 3:25PM
So this is what that fucker who runs GS' Global Alpha was doing while the house was burning down???
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 3:29PM
if it were sac it'd be lady dudes
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 3:29PM
if it were sac it'd be lady dudes
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 3:29PM
if it were sac it'd be lady dudes
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 3:30PM
larry robbins
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 3:31PM
50 cc's
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 3:31PM
500 cc's
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 3:32PM
James Simmons...I believe Bess posted a picture of him a couple of weeks ago smoking a cigarette immediately afterwards.
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 3:33PM
50 mm cc's
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 3:33PM
GAnalyst-- how much do you think it is and could you beat it?
Posted by trojan , Aug 19, 2008 3:34PM
@10 YES.
jackie treehorn treats objects like women
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 3:34PM
#25- hehe, you said liquidity...
#26...it took that long for that reference.
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 3:38PM
1. Great CSN reference.
2. Whoever the hedgie is he's brilliant.
3. Can you PLEASE do something about the retarded ayomay comments.
Fond Regards.
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 3:40PM
#38 - stay the hell out of Malibu!!!
I don't like your jerk off face, i don't like your jerk off name, and I don't like you jerk off!
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 3:40PM
#38 - stay the hell out of Malibu!!!
I don't like your jerk off face, i don't like your jerk off name, and I don't like you jerk off!
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 3:40PM
@40-- regarding pt. 2-- actually he sounds like a total douche. I'm up for kink, sub/dom shit but this story just makes him sound like a tool.
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 3:41PM
10 bucks said he did it this way so he could tell his wife "i've never FUCKED another woman."
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 3:43PM
37 1) Haven't a clue as to how much it is - I'm an intelligent and creative analyst (part of that top 10 MBA + CFA camp that's being spoken about so much today) but volume of liquids is more chemistry / physics, which has never been my strong suit 2) Could I beat it? Doubtful, but I'm not ashamed. I've never found gay boys to have any special talents in that regard. We're simply men, same as the rest of you. GAnalYst
Posted by HAM05 , Aug 19, 2008 3:56PM
hahaha girl @ 21 takes it. what she failed to mention was that someone snapped one: http://i.xanga.com/AZNcrustacean/hamburglar.jpg
Posted by FUNdamental , Aug 19, 2008 4:43PM
It's a riddle wrapped in a story. Who is the biggest jerkoff that spews garbage no one wants and pays someone an exorbitant amount of money NOT to do their actual job?
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 4:57PM
Tim Sykes. But wait. can' be: it wasn't prominent hedge fund thousandaire.
Posted by Anal_yst , Aug 19, 2008 5:20PM
@ 48
I'd agree with you, but see #18
I'm also gonna say it was John Devaney, guy doesn't have many millions left so he's gotta come up with new, creative ways to blow it all
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 5:20PM
eliot spitzer taught his buddy jim crammer well
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 7:39PM
that story was such bullshit. radar is the Wachovia of journalism...
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 8:32PM
Probably one of the Amaranth trader alums.
"Okay, sweetheart. While you masturbate, keep saying ICE, ICE, ICE."
And I'll be over here, masturbating while screaming, "Nymex! Nymex! Nymex!"
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 11:21PM
JEFF EPSTEIN!
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 11:27PM
It wasnt semen, it was her pussy-dough.
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 11:28PM
@ 54,
It was actually mayo all over. All mayo no mustard.
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 11:33PM
Serves Olivia right for faking an orgasm in front of this milionaire. Did she think she'd have him fooled. No wonder he busted a nut on her, that was meant to be saying "dare you try to fool me by your fake orgasm, biatch!"
if seh would have been real she would have got some clean benjamins handed to her to put in her bag.
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 11:34PM
olivia = cunt
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 11:40PM
@56- get a life.
Posted by guest , Aug 19, 2008 11:46PM
58 = cunt
Posted by guest , Aug 20, 2008 5:10AM
Giving a whore a "real" orgasm involves great skill...
Giving her two in one session makes you a sex god...
making her cry due to complete sexual abandon, and her having incontrollable orgasmic shivvers, and then having her kiss you sweetly and return the payment you agreed upon on her enetering the hotel room means you go straight to heaven with "God like" status, knocking the greek gods of love off their eternal pedestols...
So heres lookin' down on you mortals from my fluffy cloud....
:-))
Posted by guest , Aug 20, 2008 6:25AM
60 - Not *having to pay for it* in the first place beats all of that
Posted by guest , Aug 20, 2008 7:40AM
Ron Insana
Posted by guest , Aug 20, 2008 9:20AM
daamn..i'm not sure anymore if I want to be in this industry ...i mean..you have to walk around these people..and use the same bathroom n' stuff..
Posted by guest , Aug 20, 2008 10:40AM
@63
Dude! Have you ever been in a trade floor toilet? Those sounds keep baby jesus awake at night...
Posted by guest , Aug 21, 2008 6:29AM
@61... there is NO such thing as free sex... wake up and smell the coffee!
Every squirt of mayo has its price.
Posted by guest , Aug 22, 2008 10:16AM
Oh, come on people! No self-respecting Hedgie would treat HIS OWN money like a kleenex. That's for CLIENT's money.
As for giving a whore a whore-gasm? Why?
And please, shooting enough goo to spewoodle on fifty bills? FIFTY?
Lexington Steele, call your office!
Posted by guest , Aug 25, 2008 10:07AM
Where's the Craigslist girl when you need her?
Posted by guest , Nov 12, 2008 5:08PM
This didn't really happen. It was part of the outtakes of Brewster's Millions.
Posted by TALUFA , Nov 12, 2008 5:30PM
#38 - WOT! Treehorn still owes Talufa $5. You shorted the chiuaua punt by 5 yards.
Posted by guest , Mar 17, 2009 1:56PM
Maybe this explains it: He also was watching Maria Cabruso-Carrera on CNBC at the time.