Tags: CFO, Let's Get You A Job
Some of you assume that we get off on reporting the many, many, many layoffs you and yours are going through, as well as the fallouts that result from your lack of income. This could not be further from the truth. We are right there with you (though no severance packages for us), and to be honest, this shit is getting depressing. Nothing would make us happier than if you all kept your jobs and we came to an understanding that all proprietary information would be forwarded our way. That doesn’t really look like it’s going to happen, though, which is why we’ll be taking another approach. From here on out, whenever it’s appropriate or the mood strikes us, we’ll be laying out some sweet employment opportunities before you. Dream jobs, if you will. This serves multiple functions: it gets you out of bed, it alleviates our depression over having to write day in and out about you not having any reason to get up in the morning, and it hopefully, depending on your business acumen, will provide for amusing anecdotes regarding fuck-ups at your new gig.
Today’s comes from the Street though it does not require you to work the street. On the corner of Exchange Place and William, a flyer reads: “Commercial Investment Company seeks C.F.O,” and claims that not only will you be making six figures, but no experience is necessary, and the only requirement is a minimum credit score of 720 or higher. INTERESTING. As we are always working for you, we decided to get some intel and placed a call to the number listed (646-267-2423). Here’s what we found out: this is a so newly formed “real estate investment company” that it does not yet have a name. As C.F.O., you would be responsible for applying for lines of credit that can be used for “down payments and closing costs on buildings.” This will likely take 60-90 days, at which time, you can resign with no obligation to the firm and $100,000 in your pocket.
Okay, yes, it’s sounds slightly shady but honestly, we think you should do it. Maybe, even though all signs point to a scam, it’s not a scam? And it’s not something that would be all that taxing, or take up a lot of your time, and you could probably work two jobs simultaneously. It doesn’t really ask anything of you (just your good credit). Basically it seems like being a sperm donor, which our most recent reader poll tells us 78% of you are. Anyway, that’s our spiel. It’s not like we stand to gain anything from this (YOUR HAPPINESS IS REASON ENOUGH). As of noon, only one tab had been ripped off but we assume the competition is stiff. ACT NOW.