According to the AP, yesterday in the Roosevelt Room, Hank Paulson bent down on one knee and asked Nancy Pelosi to marry him. No, but he did beg her not to "blow it up" by withdrawing her party's support for the package. "I didn't know you were Catholic," Pelosi supposedly said, adding "It's not me blowing this up, it's the Republicans." Because he knew it, Mr. Paulson sighed audibly and replied, "I know. I know." So what the fuck was he doing there? Let's review the audio from the recorder we had the foresight to stick in a potted plant in the Roose. Room the last time we were in the District:
Hank Paulson: What are you thinking about doing for dinner?
Nancy Pelosi: I don't know, I'm ambivalent...can't decide between Chinese or pizza
HP: Man, I envy you.
NP: ha, why?
HP: You've obviously never been to my house. Every fucking night it's chicken. EVERY NIGHT! EVERY FUCKING NIGHT! I love my wife but I'm seriously about to lose it.
NP: "about to"?
HP: I know.
[They smile at each other and lock eyes without speaking for about ten seconds longer than is comfortable for Pelosi. She looks away and in that time Paulson has dropped to one knee and grabbed her hands]
NP: Whoa, what the hell are you doing?
HP: Nance, please, I'm begging you, please.
NP: please what? hank, people are look at us, get up.
HP: Nancy, I need this, please. I can't go back to homecoming at Dartmouth without it.
NP: Hank--
HP: I can't! I can't! You know they used to call me the Hammer? THE HA-MMER.
NP: I've heard, I know Frank
HP: Hank
NP: Whatever, listen,
HP: No YOU LISTEN!
NP: are you...are you crying?
HP: No!
[Squeezes her tighter in an attempt to stop the floodgates from opening, nearly fracturing the bones in her hands]
NP: Hank you're hurting me
HP: You're hurting me, bitch! And unlike you, I am a Christian Scientist and cannot take Advil or any other medication to alleviate my pain! I have to live with it! Do you understand what you're doing to me? I look like a big tough super hero what with my 7'5 stature, obscenely broad shoulders, gigantic scull and hands that could palm a larger than regulation size basketball but I'm human and you're kicking me in the balls when I'm already down on the ground with four fractured ribs!
NP: What? Have I laid a finger on you?
HPT: It's a fucking metaphor. FOR WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO ME
NP: For what I am doing to you? Alright fuck stick, listen good and listen hard. I am not doing this to you, your mother fucking party is doing this to you. Did you not get that? Did you take one too many hits to the head during your football playing years? Or are you just retarded? I'm cool with that but as Speaker of the House I just need to know. Are you retarded?
HP: [whispering] No...
NP: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
HP: NO!!
NP: So we're clear then?
HP: [whispers] yes
NP: What was that?
HP: I said "yes"!!
NP: Then what the fuck are you doing here?
HP: I...I just wanted to smell you.
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 12:03PM
Too long, didn't read.
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 12:05PM
neckless scull?
Posted by Phobos , Sep 26, 2008 12:06PM
smell is important. hate it when bitches stink.
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 12:06PM
the correct usage is:
tl;dr
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 12:08PM
The Henry Paulson Junior 700 Billion Jackpot Waaaaaaaaaaaaaad!!
where is jackie rogers jr?
our country (goldman) needs you.
-retail
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 12:10PM
thanks for changing the title. $900 suit?
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 12:11PM
haha Bess, nice one!
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 12:11PM
Awesome Liar Liar reference.
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 12:11PM
clueless regulator APPROVES !!
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 12:13PM
@4
You'd think that, wouldn't you? But, no.
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 12:15PM
He was trying to look up her skirt.
Posted by diablo , Sep 26, 2008 12:16PM
Thanks Bess. Laughed till I cried.
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 12:17PM
As it me or is Paulson a fucking PUSSY
Posted by big r , Sep 26, 2008 12:24PM
clearly a reference to AD re 3500 suit
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 12:25PM
National City!
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 12:31PM
This is a depressing link:
http://www2.fdic.gov/dip/index.asp
You choose your failed bank from the dropdown, enter your account number, and find out whether you get a haircut or not.
Posted by girl , Sep 26, 2008 12:31PM
"You're hurting me, bitch! And unlike you, I am a Christian Scientist and cannot take Advil or any other medication to alleviate my pain!"
Well done bessay
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 12:32PM
They sure do need a lot of kneepads in the White House.
Posted by fxquant , Sep 26, 2008 12:33PM
As I posted earlier, good thing she wasn't down on her knees in front of Hank.
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 12:33PM
@14 you are an asshole.
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 12:37PM
Whatever happened to mayo and shamwow?
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 12:40PM
And if someone else was Senate leader? He'd be down on all fours. Consider himself lucky...
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 12:40PM
And if someone else was Senate leader? He'd be down on all fours. Consider himself lucky...
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 12:42PM
Pelosi = mayo and Paulson = shamwow.
Posted by blndebnker , Sep 26, 2008 12:42PM
@21 - sham-wow!
Posted by Henry Ryecroft , Sep 26, 2008 12:42PM
Smelly pussy? This thread needs some 2 Live Crew.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2frel89q8E4
I met Chris Cox standing on the block
Singing doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy doo
He'll put me in prison if I short his stock
Doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy doo
Fuld's a pussy (Fuld's a pussy)
LEH got jacked (LEH got jacked)
Punched his face (Punched his face)
And I want my bonus back
I was walking down the street when I met Gasbagga
Singing doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy doo
He had a cell phone stuffed in his soup coola
Doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy doo
I called him back (called him back)
Kicked his balls (kicked his balls)
You got no scoop (got no scoop)
Goddamn, that bitch don't know at all
I met this bitch in the Roosevelt room
Singing doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy doo
Begged her to buy all the shit I had to sell
Doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy doo
Markes heave (Markes heave)
Need the bail (need the bail)
Wash your pussy (wash your pussy)
Bitch kill that funky smell
I'll leave the next 3 to my dealbreakin' niggaz.
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 12:44PM
"Fuh....what???"
~Fake Geico Caveman
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 12:46PM
I would love to slather up Nancy Pelosi with a shovel full of mayo.
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 12:48PM
ROFL.....nice Beth...very nice
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 12:49PM
where is the ALL CAPS with the MBA from Wharton? Hes insightful.
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 12:51PM
http://www.clayaiken.com/
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 12:53PM
It's Bess you retard.
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 12:53PM
Beth rules.....fucking moron
Posted by onetwo , Sep 26, 2008 12:56PM
Cue GOB-
Like i'm going to give a bailout to a guy who's car worth less than my suit...
Posted by onetwo , Sep 26, 2008 12:57PM
DAMNIT
*whose
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 1:01PM
HP: I...I just wanted to smell you.
Q: What did the blind man say when he walked past the fish shop?
A: Hello, Ladies.
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 1:01PM
That column makes it sound like Pelosi is a cougar, that makes no sense.
But it was funny.
Now all we need is one on Bernaki begging
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 1:06PM
"Bernaki"? Really?
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 1:06PM
FRAT = fuck reading all that
FRAT
Posted by BSD , Sep 26, 2008 1:06PM
The Beard does not beg, #38. It blows.
Posted by FUNdamental , Sep 26, 2008 1:14PM
1/2 - you're not working for a few weeks and immediately go to shot eh?
Posted by onetwo , Sep 26, 2008 1:14PM
I love the meme of commenters who still think it's cool to proclaim "Reading? I didn't read last night's assignment. Reading is for losers." (That includes today's bottom of the barrel entry, "FRAT").
Which begs the question: what middle school has their kids reading dealbreaker?
It must be the same MS that houses a warehouse of ADHD children yelling "first" all day (no pun intended).
Grow the F up.
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 1:16PM
is he really a Christian scientist?
Posted by onetwo , Sep 26, 2008 1:17PM
FUN, been busy and out of the flow.
But don't worry, I'm just getting my sea legs again.
Posted by FUNdamental , Sep 26, 2008 1:18PM
shot = shit. Maybe I'll just pull up a stool next to yours. Pass the dunce cap please.
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 1:19PM
"is he really a Christian scientist?" yes.
http://www.newsweek.com/id/160119
Posted by Anal_yst , Sep 26, 2008 1:21PM
@ Ryecroft
Nice start
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 1:22PM
great post bess!
Posted by big r , Sep 26, 2008 1:23PM
@ 20 - move out
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 1:25PM
Check your lease Nancy. You're livin' in &#$@ City!
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 1:26PM
Check your lease Nancy, you're livin' in @%$# City!
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 2:04PM
Oh Baby It's Bess
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 2:12PM
@16, nice!
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 2:12PM
"Did you take one too many hits to the head during your football playing years? Or are you just retarded? I'm cool with that but as Speaker of the House I just need to know. Are you retarded?
HP: [whispering] No..."
holy crap, i'm wiping the tears away. BRILLIANT. well played, Levin.
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 2:31PM
God I fucking hate Pelosi. What a stupid liberal bitch. Deport her ass
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 3:18PM
Well played, Bess, well played.
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 3:43PM
It's all rediulously simple to see they are trying to steal our money - look at the math:
http://yourmortgageoryourlife.wordpress.com/2008/09/26/11666666-home-owners-could-be-rescued-from-foreclosure/
it's a crime!
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 3:54PM
I thought Hank was a wrestler.
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 7:47PM
I heard about the Paulson-on-his-knees- to-Pelosi thing yesterday.
Weirdly enough, I found it ... touching. I suddenly felt sympathy for a guy that I had thought was a solid Sieg Heil type.
Did he do this because Pelosi only wears real pearls?
Posted by guest , Sep 26, 2008 7:53PM
John Thain was the wrestler. Paulson was a football player. He was an offensive lineman for Dartmouth and was named All-Ivy. Everyone who went to college south of the Mason/Dixon line or west of the Mississippi finds that just too awesome.