• 26 Sep 2008 at 12:00 PM

Nancy, Please! I’m Down On My Knees In A $3500 Suit!

According to the AP, yesterday in the Roosevelt Room, Hank Paulson bent down on one knee and asked Nancy Pelosi to marry him. No, but he did beg her not to “blow it up” by withdrawing her party’s support for the package. “I didn’t know you were Catholic,” Pelosi supposedly said, adding “It’s not me blowing this up, it’s the Republicans.” Because he knew it, Mr. Paulson sighed audibly and replied, “I know. I know.” So what the fuck was he doing there? Let’s review the audio from the recorder we had the foresight to stick in a potted plant in the Roose. Room the last time we were in the District:


Hank Paulson: What are you thinking about doing for dinner?
Nancy Pelosi: I don’t know, I’m ambivalent…can’t decide between Chinese or pizza
HP: Man, I envy you.
NP: ha, why?
HP: You’ve obviously never been to my house. Every fucking night it’s chicken. EVERY NIGHT! EVERY FUCKING NIGHT! I love my wife but I’m seriously about to lose it.
NP: “about to”?
HP: I know.
[They smile at each other and lock eyes without speaking for about ten seconds longer than is comfortable for Pelosi. She looks away and in that time Paulson has dropped to one knee and grabbed her hands]
NP: Whoa, what the hell are you doing?
HP: Nance, please, I’m begging you, please.
NP: please what? hank, people are look at us, get up.
HP: Nancy, I need this, please. I can’t go back to homecoming at Dartmouth without it.
NP: Hank–
HP: I can’t! I can’t! You know they used to call me the Hammer? THE HA-MMER.
NP: I’ve heard, I know Frank
HP: Hank
NP: Whatever, listen,
HP: No YOU LISTEN!
NP: are you…are you crying?
HP: No!
[Squeezes her tighter in an attempt to stop the floodgates from opening, nearly fracturing the bones in her hands]
NP: Hank you’re hurting me
HP: You’re hurting me, bitch! And unlike you, I am a Christian Scientist and cannot take Advil or any other medication to alleviate my pain! I have to live with it! Do you understand what you’re doing to me? I look like a big tough super hero what with my 7’5 stature, obscenely broad shoulders, gigantic scull and hands that could palm a larger than regulation size basketball but I’m human and you’re kicking me in the balls when I’m already down on the ground with four fractured ribs!
NP: What? Have I laid a finger on you?
HPT: It’s a fucking metaphor. FOR WHAT YOU’RE DOING TO ME
NP: For what I am doing to you? Alright fuck stick, listen good and listen hard. I am not doing this to you, your mother fucking party is doing this to you. Did you not get that? Did you take one too many hits to the head during your football playing years? Or are you just retarded? I’m cool with that but as Speaker of the House I just need to know. Are you retarded?
HP: [whispering] No…
NP: I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
HP: NO!!
NP: So we’re clear then?
HP: [whispers] yes
NP: What was that?
HP: I said “yes”!!
NP: Then what the fuck are you doing here?
HP: I…I just wanted to smell you.

107 comments (hidden to protect delicate sensibilities)
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Comments (107)

  1. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 12:03 PM

    Too long, didn’t read.

  2. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 12:05 PM

    neckless scull?

  3. Posted by Phobos | September 26, 2008 at 12:06 PM

    smell is important. hate it when bitches stink.

  4. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 12:06 PM

    the correct usage is:
    tl;dr

  5. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 12:08 PM

    The Henry Paulson Junior 700 Billion Jackpot Waaaaaaaaaaaaaad!!
    where is jackie rogers jr?
    our country (goldman) needs you.
    -retail

  6. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 12:10 PM

    thanks for changing the title. $900 suit?

  7. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 12:11 PM

    haha Bess, nice one!

  8. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 12:11 PM

    Awesome Liar Liar reference.

  9. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 12:11 PM

    clueless regulator APPROVES !!

  10. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 12:13 PM

    @4
    You’d think that, wouldn’t you? But, no.

  11. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 12:15 PM

    He was trying to look up her skirt.

  12. Posted by diablo | September 26, 2008 at 12:16 PM

    Thanks Bess. Laughed till I cried.

  13. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 12:17 PM

    As it me or is Paulson a fucking PUSSY

  14. Posted by big r | September 26, 2008 at 12:24 PM

    clearly a reference to AD re 3500 suit

  15. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 12:25 PM

    National City!

  16. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 12:31 PM

    This is a depressing link:
    http://www2.fdic.gov/dip/index.asp
    You choose your failed bank from the dropdown, enter your account number, and find out whether you get a haircut or not.

  17. Posted by girl | September 26, 2008 at 12:31 PM

    “You’re hurting me, bitch! And unlike you, I am a Christian Scientist and cannot take Advil or any other medication to alleviate my pain!”
    Well done bessay

  18. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 12:32 PM

    They sure do need a lot of kneepads in the White House.

  19. Posted by fxquant | September 26, 2008 at 12:33 PM

    As I posted earlier, good thing she wasn’t down on her knees in front of Hank.

  20. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 12:33 PM

    @14 you are an asshole.

  21. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 12:37 PM

    Whatever happened to mayo and shamwow?

  22. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 12:40 PM

    And if someone else was Senate leader? He’d be down on all fours. Consider himself lucky…

  23. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 12:40 PM

    And if someone else was Senate leader? He’d be down on all fours. Consider himself lucky…

  24. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 12:42 PM

    Pelosi = mayo and Paulson = shamwow.

  25. Posted by blndebnker | September 26, 2008 at 12:42 PM

    @21 – sham-wow!

  26. Posted by Henry Ryecroft | September 26, 2008 at 12:42 PM

    Smelly pussy? This thread needs some 2 Live Crew.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2frel89q8E4
    I met Chris Cox standing on the block
    Singing doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy doo
    He’ll put me in prison if I short his stock
    Doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy doo
    Fuld’s a pussy (Fuld’s a pussy)
    LEH got jacked (LEH got jacked)
    Punched his face (Punched his face)
    And I want my bonus back
    I was walking down the street when I met Gasbagga
    Singing doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy doo
    He had a cell phone stuffed in his soup coola
    Doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy doo
    I called him back (called him back)
    Kicked his balls (kicked his balls)
    You got no scoop (got no scoop)
    Goddamn, that bitch don’t know at all
    I met this bitch in the Roosevelt room
    Singing doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy doo
    Begged her to buy all the shit I had to sell
    Doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy doo
    Markes heave (Markes heave)
    Need the bail (need the bail)
    Wash your pussy (wash your pussy)
    Bitch kill that funky smell
    I’ll leave the next 3 to my dealbreakin’ niggaz.

  27. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 12:44 PM

    “Fuh….what???”
    ~Fake Geico Caveman

  28. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 12:46 PM

    I would love to slather up Nancy Pelosi with a shovel full of mayo.

  29. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 12:48 PM

    ROFL…..nice Beth…very nice

  30. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 12:49 PM

    where is the ALL CAPS with the MBA from Wharton? Hes insightful.

  31. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 12:51 PM
  32. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 12:53 PM

    It’s Bess you retard.

  33. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 12:53 PM

    Beth rules…..fucking moron

  34. Posted by onetwo | September 26, 2008 at 12:56 PM

    Cue GOB-
    Like i’m going to give a bailout to a guy who’s car worth less than my suit…

  35. Posted by onetwo | September 26, 2008 at 12:57 PM

    DAMNIT
    *whose

  36. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 1:01 PM

    HP: I…I just wanted to smell you.
    Q: What did the blind man say when he walked past the fish shop?
    A: Hello, Ladies.

  37. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 1:01 PM

    That column makes it sound like Pelosi is a cougar, that makes no sense.
    But it was funny.
    Now all we need is one on Bernaki begging

  38. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 1:06 PM

    “Bernaki”? Really?

  39. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 1:06 PM

    FRAT = fuck reading all that
    FRAT

  40. Posted by BSD | September 26, 2008 at 1:06 PM

    The Beard does not beg, #38. It blows.

  41. Posted by FUNdamental | September 26, 2008 at 1:14 PM

    1/2 – you’re not working for a few weeks and immediately go to shot eh?

  42. Posted by onetwo | September 26, 2008 at 1:14 PM

    I love the meme of commenters who still think it’s cool to proclaim “Reading? I didn’t read last night’s assignment. Reading is for losers.” (That includes today’s bottom of the barrel entry, “FRAT”).
    Which begs the question: what middle school has their kids reading dealbreaker?
    It must be the same MS that houses a warehouse of ADHD children yelling “first” all day (no pun intended).
    Grow the F up.

  43. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 1:16 PM

    is he really a Christian scientist?

  44. Posted by onetwo | September 26, 2008 at 1:17 PM

    FUN, been busy and out of the flow.
    But don’t worry, I’m just getting my sea legs again.

  45. Posted by FUNdamental | September 26, 2008 at 1:18 PM

    shot = shit. Maybe I’ll just pull up a stool next to yours. Pass the dunce cap please.

  46. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 1:19 PM

    “is he really a Christian scientist?” yes.
    http://www.newsweek.com/id/160119

  47. Posted by Anal_yst | September 26, 2008 at 1:21 PM

    @ Ryecroft
    Nice start

  48. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 1:22 PM

    great post bess!

  49. Posted by big r | September 26, 2008 at 1:23 PM

    @ 20 – move out

  50. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 1:25 PM

    Check your lease Nancy. You’re livin’ in &#$@ City!

  51. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 1:26 PM

    Check your lease Nancy, you’re livin’ in @%$# City!

  52. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 2:04 PM

    Oh Baby It’s Bess

  53. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 2:12 PM

    @16, nice!

  54. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 2:12 PM

    “Did you take one too many hits to the head during your football playing years? Or are you just retarded? I’m cool with that but as Speaker of the House I just need to know. Are you retarded?
    HP: [whispering] No…”
    holy crap, i’m wiping the tears away. BRILLIANT. well played, Levin.

  55. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 2:31 PM

    God I fucking hate Pelosi. What a stupid liberal bitch. Deport her ass

  56. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 3:18 PM

    Well played, Bess, well played.

  57. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 3:43 PM

    It’s all rediulously simple to see they are trying to steal our money – look at the math:
    http://yourmortgageoryourlife.wordpress.com/2008/09/26/11666666-home-owners-could-be-rescued-from-foreclosure/
    it’s a crime!

  58. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 3:54 PM

    I thought Hank was a wrestler.

  59. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 7:47 PM

    I heard about the Paulson-on-his-knees- to-Pelosi thing yesterday.
    Weirdly enough, I found it … touching. I suddenly felt sympathy for a guy that I had thought was a solid Sieg Heil type.
    Did he do this because Pelosi only wears real pearls?

  60. Posted by guest | September 26, 2008 at 7:53 PM

    John Thain was the wrestler. Paulson was a football player. He was an offensive lineman for Dartmouth and was named All-Ivy. Everyone who went to college south of the Mason/Dixon line or west of the Mississippi finds that just too awesome.

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