According to the AP, yesterday in the Roosevelt Room, Hank Paulson bent down on one knee and asked Nancy Pelosi to marry him. No, but he did beg her not to “blow it up” by withdrawing her party’s support for the package. “I didn’t know you were Catholic,” Pelosi supposedly said, adding “It’s not me blowing this up, it’s the Republicans.” Because he knew it, Mr. Paulson sighed audibly and replied, “I know. I know.” So what the fuck was he doing there? Let’s review the audio from the recorder we had the foresight to stick in a potted plant in the Roose. Room the last time we were in the District:
Hank Paulson: What are you thinking about doing for dinner?
Nancy Pelosi: I don’t know, I’m ambivalent…can’t decide between Chinese or pizza
HP: Man, I envy you.
NP: ha, why?
HP: You’ve obviously never been to my house. Every fucking night it’s chicken. EVERY NIGHT! EVERY FUCKING NIGHT! I love my wife but I’m seriously about to lose it.
NP: “about to”?
HP: I know.
[They smile at each other and lock eyes without speaking for about ten seconds longer than is comfortable for Pelosi. She looks away and in that time Paulson has dropped to one knee and grabbed her hands]
NP: Whoa, what the hell are you doing?
HP: Nance, please, I’m begging you, please.
NP: please what? hank, people are look at us, get up.
HP: Nancy, I need this, please. I can’t go back to homecoming at Dartmouth without it.
HP: I can’t! I can’t! You know they used to call me the Hammer? THE HA-MMER.
NP: I’ve heard, I know Frank
NP: Whatever, listen,
HP: No YOU LISTEN!
NP: are you…are you crying?
[Squeezes her tighter in an attempt to stop the floodgates from opening, nearly fracturing the bones in her hands]
NP: Hank you’re hurting me
HP: You’re hurting me, bitch! And unlike you, I am a Christian Scientist and cannot take Advil or any other medication to alleviate my pain! I have to live with it! Do you understand what you’re doing to me? I look like a big tough super hero what with my 7’5 stature, obscenely broad shoulders, gigantic scull and hands that could palm a larger than regulation size basketball but I’m human and you’re kicking me in the balls when I’m already down on the ground with four fractured ribs!
NP: What? Have I laid a finger on you?
HPT: It’s a fucking metaphor. FOR WHAT YOU’RE DOING TO ME
NP: For what I am doing to you? Alright fuck stick, listen good and listen hard. I am not doing this to you, your mother fucking party is doing this to you. Did you not get that? Did you take one too many hits to the head during your football playing years? Or are you just retarded? I’m cool with that but as Speaker of the House I just need to know. Are you retarded?
HP: [whispering] No…
NP: I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
NP: So we’re clear then?
HP: [whispers] yes
NP: What was that?
HP: I said “yes”!!
NP: Then what the fuck are you doing here?
HP: I…I just wanted to smell you.