Nancy, Please! I’m Down On My Knees In A $3500 Suit!

According to the AP, yesterday in the Roosevelt Room, Hank Paulson bent down on one knee and asked Nancy Pelosi to marry him. No, but he did beg her not to “blow it up” by withdrawing her party’s support for the package. “I didn’t know you were Catholic,” Pelosi supposedly said, adding “It’s not me blowing this up, it’s the Republicans.” Because he knew it, Mr. Paulson sighed audibly and replied, “I know. I know.” So what the fuck was he doing there? Let’s review the audio from the recorder we had the foresight to stick in a potted plant in the Roose. Room the last time we were in the District:

Hank Paulson: What are you thinking about doing for dinner?
Nancy Pelosi: I don’t know, I’m ambivalent…can’t decide between Chinese or pizza
HP: Man, I envy you.
NP: ha, why?
HP: You’ve obviously never been to my house. Every fucking night it’s chicken. EVERY NIGHT! EVERY FUCKING NIGHT! I love my wife but I’m seriously about to lose it.
NP: “about to”?
HP: I know.
[They smile at each other and lock eyes without speaking for about ten seconds longer than is comfortable for Pelosi. She looks away and in that time Paulson has dropped to one knee and grabbed her hands]
NP: Whoa, what the hell are you doing?
HP: Nance, please, I’m begging you, please.
NP: please what? hank, people are look at us, get up.
HP: Nancy, I need this, please. I can’t go back to homecoming at Dartmouth without it.
NP: Hank–
HP: I can’t! I can’t! You know they used to call me the Hammer? THE HA-MMER.
NP: I’ve heard, I know Frank
HP: Hank
NP: Whatever, listen,
NP: are you…are you crying?
HP: No!
[Squeezes her tighter in an attempt to stop the floodgates from opening, nearly fracturing the bones in her hands]
NP: Hank you’re hurting me
HP: You’re hurting me, bitch! And unlike you, I am a Christian Scientist and cannot take Advil or any other medication to alleviate my pain! I have to live with it! Do you understand what you’re doing to me? I look like a big tough super hero what with my 7’5 stature, obscenely broad shoulders, gigantic scull and hands that could palm a larger than regulation size basketball but I’m human and you’re kicking me in the balls when I’m already down on the ground with four fractured ribs!
NP: What? Have I laid a finger on you?
HPT: It’s a fucking metaphor. FOR WHAT YOU’RE DOING TO ME
NP: For what I am doing to you? Alright fuck stick, listen good and listen hard. I am not doing this to you, your mother fucking party is doing this to you. Did you not get that? Did you take one too many hits to the head during your football playing years? Or are you just retarded? I’m cool with that but as Speaker of the House I just need to know. Are you retarded?
HP: [whispering] No…
HP: NO!!
NP: So we’re clear then?
HP: [whispers] yes
NP: What was that?
HP: I said “yes”!!
NP: Then what the fuck are you doing here?
HP: I…I just wanted to smell you.

(hidden for your protection)
Show all comments

107 Responses to “Nancy, Please! I’m Down On My Knees In A $3500 Suit!”

  1. guest says:

    Too long, didn’t read.

  2. guest says:

    neckless scull?

  3. Phobos says:

    smell is important. hate it when bitches stink.

  4. guest says:

    the correct usage is:

  5. guest says:

    The Henry Paulson Junior 700 Billion Jackpot Waaaaaaaaaaaaaad!!
    where is jackie rogers jr?
    our country (goldman) needs you.

  6. guest says:

    thanks for changing the title. $900 suit?

  7. guest says:

    haha Bess, nice one!

  8. guest says:

    Awesome Liar Liar reference.

  9. guest says:

    clueless regulator APPROVES !!

  10. guest says:

    You’d think that, wouldn’t you? But, no.

  11. guest says:

    He was trying to look up her skirt.

  12. diablo says:

    Thanks Bess. Laughed till I cried.

  13. guest says:

    As it me or is Paulson a fucking PUSSY

  14. big r says:

    clearly a reference to AD re 3500 suit

  15. guest says:

    National City!

  16. guest says:

    This is a depressing link:
    You choose your failed bank from the dropdown, enter your account number, and find out whether you get a haircut or not.

  17. girl says:

    “You’re hurting me, bitch! And unlike you, I am a Christian Scientist and cannot take Advil or any other medication to alleviate my pain!”
    Well done bessay

  18. guest says:

    They sure do need a lot of kneepads in the White House.

  19. fxquant says:

    As I posted earlier, good thing she wasn’t down on her knees in front of Hank.

  20. guest says:

    @14 you are an asshole.

  21. guest says:

    Whatever happened to mayo and shamwow?

  22. guest says:

    And if someone else was Senate leader? He’d be down on all fours. Consider himself lucky…

  23. guest says:

    And if someone else was Senate leader? He’d be down on all fours. Consider himself lucky…

  24. guest says:

    Pelosi = mayo and Paulson = shamwow.

  25. blndebnker says:

    @21 – sham-wow!

  26. Henry Ryecroft says:

    Smelly pussy? This thread needs some 2 Live Crew.
    I met Chris Cox standing on the block
    Singing doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy doo
    He’ll put me in prison if I short his stock
    Doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy doo
    Fuld’s a pussy (Fuld’s a pussy)
    LEH got jacked (LEH got jacked)
    Punched his face (Punched his face)
    And I want my bonus back
    I was walking down the street when I met Gasbagga
    Singing doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy doo
    He had a cell phone stuffed in his soup coola
    Doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy doo
    I called him back (called him back)
    Kicked his balls (kicked his balls)
    You got no scoop (got no scoop)
    Goddamn, that bitch don’t know at all
    I met this bitch in the Roosevelt room
    Singing doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy doo
    Begged her to buy all the shit I had to sell
    Doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy doo
    Markes heave (Markes heave)
    Need the bail (need the bail)
    Wash your pussy (wash your pussy)
    Bitch kill that funky smell
    I’ll leave the next 3 to my dealbreakin’ niggaz.

  27. guest says:

    ~Fake Geico Caveman

  28. guest says:

    I would love to slather up Nancy Pelosi with a shovel full of mayo.

  29. guest says:

    ROFL…..nice Beth…very nice

  30. guest says:

    where is the ALL CAPS with the MBA from Wharton? Hes insightful.

  31. guest says:

    It’s Bess you retard.

  32. guest says:

    Beth rules…..fucking moron

  33. onetwo says:

    Cue GOB-
    Like i’m going to give a bailout to a guy who’s car worth less than my suit…

  34. onetwo says:


  35. guest says:

    HP: I…I just wanted to smell you.
    Q: What did the blind man say when he walked past the fish shop?
    A: Hello, Ladies.

  36. guest says:

    That column makes it sound like Pelosi is a cougar, that makes no sense.
    But it was funny.
    Now all we need is one on Bernaki begging

  37. guest says:

    “Bernaki”? Really?

  38. guest says:

    FRAT = fuck reading all that

  39. BSD says:

    The Beard does not beg, #38. It blows.

  40. FUNdamental says:

    1/2 – you’re not working for a few weeks and immediately go to shot eh?

  41. onetwo says:

    I love the meme of commenters who still think it’s cool to proclaim “Reading? I didn’t read last night’s assignment. Reading is for losers.” (That includes today’s bottom of the barrel entry, “FRAT”).
    Which begs the question: what middle school has their kids reading dealbreaker?
    It must be the same MS that houses a warehouse of ADHD children yelling “first” all day (no pun intended).
    Grow the F up.

  42. guest says:

    is he really a Christian scientist?

  43. onetwo says:

    FUN, been busy and out of the flow.
    But don’t worry, I’m just getting my sea legs again.

  44. FUNdamental says:

    shot = shit. Maybe I’ll just pull up a stool next to yours. Pass the dunce cap please.

  45. guest says:

    “is he really a Christian scientist?” yes.

  46. Anal_yst says:

    @ Ryecroft
    Nice start

  47. guest says:

    great post bess!

  48. big r says:

    @ 20 – move out

  49. guest says:

    Check your lease Nancy. You’re livin’ in &#$@ City!

  50. guest says:

    Check your lease Nancy, you’re livin’ in @%$# City!

  51. guest says:

    Oh Baby It’s Bess

  52. guest says:

    @16, nice!

  53. guest says:

    “Did you take one too many hits to the head during your football playing years? Or are you just retarded? I’m cool with that but as Speaker of the House I just need to know. Are you retarded?
    HP: [whispering] No…”
    holy crap, i’m wiping the tears away. BRILLIANT. well played, Levin.

  54. guest says:

    God I fucking hate Pelosi. What a stupid liberal bitch. Deport her ass

  55. guest says:

    Well played, Bess, well played.

  56. guest says:

    It’s all rediulously simple to see they are trying to steal our money – look at the math:
    it’s a crime!

  57. guest says:

    I thought Hank was a wrestler.

  58. guest says:

    I heard about the Paulson-on-his-knees- to-Pelosi thing yesterday.
    Weirdly enough, I found it … touching. I suddenly felt sympathy for a guy that I had thought was a solid Sieg Heil type.
    Did he do this because Pelosi only wears real pearls?

  59. guest says:

    John Thain was the wrestler. Paulson was a football player. He was an offensive lineman for Dartmouth and was named All-Ivy. Everyone who went to college south of the Mason/Dixon line or west of the Mississippi finds that just too awesome.

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