$$$ Bank of America Profit Skids 68%; Dividend Halved [cnbc]

$$$ Lehman E-Mail: Execs Mock Idea of Bonus Cut [USN]

$$$ SEC: Dropping the Ball Since '04 [1-2]

$$$ Suggestions For Playboy's "Women Of Wall Street" [WSF]

$$$ And here we thought you guys were mostly just JO&C'ing it these days! [Daily Intel]

$$$ The Dick Fuld getting punched in the face at the gym story has supposedly been confirmed. [Business and Media]

"U.S. officials are examining ways to ease deepening strains in the commercial paper market, which have been hit by an unwillingness among money market investors to hold risky assets."-- WSJ

Any other ideas? Let them know.

Steve Liesman reports that the treasury is seeking accounting and auction managers, as well as securities asset managers and whole loan asset managers. You must have your bids in by Wednesday at 5. "Winners" will be announced on the 11th, the same day you'll start working on this stuff. Get cracking.

Asset Managers Selection Process [PDF]

I don't even know how to approach a description of the day.

S&P 500 high of 1097 and low of 1007? Dick Fuld haunted until his grave by the prospect that a conspiracy prevented the bailout of his beloved Lehman? Goldman conspiracies repeated on the record for a Congressional hearing? The mysterious appearance of Michael Corleone's attorney behind Fuld's table? (Notice, Fuld refused to take the 5th, or to have an attorney by his side at the table though). The lock-in negotiations that have been budding between Citi and Wells for the carcass of Wachovia? Ackman snatching up a big hunk of the carrion and flying away? Merrill Lynch revising down crude oil predictions to... $50 per barrel? The largest CDS settlement auction... ever?

Wachovia, Citigroup and Wells Fargo, in consultation with the Federal Reserve, announce the following agreement. Wachovia, Citigroup, and Wells Fargo have agreed to:

1) a standstill of all formal litigation activity effective immediately;

2) cease any formal discovery activities, and

3) cooperate in good faith to agree among themselves to secure orders here necessary in all applicable cases in all jurisdictions tolling any schedules for the filing of litigation papers or court appearances or any other formal litigation deadlines, with the goal of preserving the status quo during the litigation standstill period.

This standstill agreement will terminate at noon on Wednesday, Oct. 8, 2008, unless otherwise extended.

16:01 *WACHOVIA SAYS PACT WAS IN CONSULTATION WITH FEDERAL RESERVE
16:00 *WACHOVIA SAYS BANKS AGREED TO IMMEDIATE LITIGATION STANDSTILL
16:00 *WACHOVIA SAYS STANDSTILL WAS `IN CONSULTATION' WITH THE FED :
16:00 *WACHOVIA COMMENTS ON LITIGATION STANDSTILL IN STATEMENT :C US
16:00 *CITI, WELLS, WACHOVIA LITIGATION STANDSTILL LASTS UNTIL OCT. 8
16:00 *WACHOVIA SAYS IT HAS `LITIGATION STANDSTILL' WITH WELLS, CITI
16:00 *WACHOVIA, CITIGROUP, WELLS FARGO TO COOPERATE IN GOOD FAITH
16:00 *WACHOVIA, CITIGROUP, WELLS TO CEASE FORMAL DISCOVERY ACTIVITIES
16:00 WB: Wachovia, Citigroup, Wells Fargo sign litigation standstill
16:00 *WACHOVIA, CITIGROUP, WELLS FARGO AGREE TO LITIGATION STANDSTILL

$Honey to Pisani: "This is the most orderly crash I've ever seen."

Commenter MarshallStack points out:

Rule 80B Effective April 15, 1998 the SEC approved amendments to Rule 80B (Trading Halts Due to Extraordinary Market Volatility) which revised the halt provisions and the circuit-breaker levels. The trigger levels for a market-wide trading halt were set at 10%, 20% and 30% of the DJIA, calculated at the beginning of each calendar quarter, using the average closing value of the DJIA for the prior month, thereby establishing specific point values for the quarter. Each trigger value is rounded to the nearest 50 points.

The halt for a 10% decline would be one hour if it occurred before 2 p.m., and for 30 minutes if it occurred between 2 and 2:30, but would not halt trading at all after 2:30. The halt for a 20% decline would be two hours if it occurred before 1 p.m., and between 1 p.m. and 2 p.m. for one hour, and close the market for the rest of the day after 2 p.m. If the market declined by 30%, at any time, trading would be halted for the remainder of the day.

Presented without additional comment, after the jump.

We'll be giving away [insert something great, I can't come up with anything] to the person who guesses closest without going under (market crash Price is Right rules).

Related: Ackman Buys (Part of) Wachovia. The Ack also told CNBC he and the rest of the Pershing Square gang will be happy with any outcome of the WB-C-WFC clusterfuck, though you know he's pulling for Lil' Vik.

The Pershing Square founder and manager announced today at the Value Investing Congress that if he had Bald's job, he wouldn't buy CDOs or derivatives, and would instead purchase delinquent mortgages for .50 on the dollar. Ackman said he got the idea from "a guy in Florida who emailed me."

Okay, I've lost it. This hearing is bull shit and I'll tell you why-- you should not be allowed to ask questions about 'LEE-MAN BROTHERS' when you pronounce it 'LAY-MEN BROTHERS.' This is not a highly restrictive barrier to entry and yet few if any Congressman can get it right. I've been told I'd be putting Dealbreaker in a sticky situation if I called in a bomb threat as a means to put an end to this crap so instead I'm starting a list, and will obviously be updating it through out the day, of leaders who should be shamed in the streets and whose constituents should seriously think twice about re-electing. I haven't been keeping track because they have mostly all failed at this task o' the tongue but here's who I can remember wanting to strangle at the time. If you can recall others, please add.

Henry Waxman
Dennis Kucinich
Diane Watson

I know it's a lot to ask but I think Waxman's argument would be made a bit stronger if, when listing all the shit the Fulds bought with "other people's money," he didn't include toys that Dick's wife is in the process of selling off, like the millions of dollars worth of art. One of the points that the Congressman is trying it make, I think, is that DF is a greedy Gorilla and it's not "fair" that the company failed and employees lost jobs and shareholders lost money and yet here is Fuld living it up. Waxman shouldn't be listing items the Fulds are being forced to go without, he should be rattling off things that Dick is refusing to part with, like the diamond encrusted cock rings, and BrickBreaker court that he had installed in the basement, while his people wonder if they'll be able to make rent (send their kids to college and so on and so forth).

Also: this has already been mentioned several times but I can't let it go-- someone needs to slap an injunction on this hearing until every single Congressman learns that it is pronounced 'LEE-MAN' NOT 'LAY-MEN.' Jesus.

Waxman, having waxed poetic and having sharpened his disemboweling cutlasses, calls a three minute recess, and then calls for His Fuldness.

Stay tuned. Fuld after the jump.

Citi has officially filed a complaint against Wachovia, Wells Fargo, and the heads of both companies. Count Vikula is seeking more than $20 billion in compensatory damages and more than $40 billion in punitive damages from WFC for "tortious interference" with Citi's contract with Wachovia, as well as "relief" from the Charlotte-based bank for breaking their "agreement."

Official word from Panditville:

Bushie just addressed the press re: bailout, from a San Antonio car dealership. He said the above, and added that it will take "a while" for the bailout to take effect.

As previously stated, today is Dick Fuld's official coming out day, and no one is more excited than us. And yet, The Gorilla is nowhere to be found. Sure, he'll show his face eventually when the opening act of Nell Minow and the Minowettes get finished but as anyone who's ever taken part in (or heard of) a roast knows, you don't wait in the wings while various individuals denigrate you in public, you sit front and center and take it. Honestly, I'm actually mad about this. Rep. John Sarbanes (D-MD) just asked "If you are Richard Fuld, how do you lose all common sense?" and we should have seen the look on Fuldy's face when he did, and maybe heard the "I take offense to that" mumble under his breath. And spare us the "this is standard protocol in Congress." He should be there, and his absence is almost (but not) as infuriating as THE REPRESENTATIVES WHO ARE PRONOUNCING IT 'LAY-MEN' BROTHERS. [regains composure] So. First, we determine where he is and what he's doing, and second, we dispatch someone to drag his ass out there and strap him in for the ride. Is Dick Fuld:

A. sitting in Barney Frank's office playing brickbreaker

B. reading 10-Qs and cramming with black coffee and red bull at a local Starbucks

C. crying into a gossamer pillow (in Larry Craig's old office)

D. calling David Einhorn (collect) from a payphone in a last minute attempt to get him to tell everyone it was all his fault.

E. other

Jim Cramer was on the Today Show this morning, talkin' money. His advice, which he prefaced by saying, "I thought about this all weekend...I do not want to say these things on TV," and then did? "Whatever money you may need for the next five years, please take it out of the stock market right now, this week."

Unfounded, and yet totally plausible, and not even really that bad, relative to the ass bleeding months their friends have been having. Icahn LP: -9.27%, Perry: -7.95 %.

Yep, sure enough. It looks like Waxman is going to be taking our newly reclusive Dick Fuld.

Provided my connection holds, I will be delivering all the gritty details right here.

Stay tuned.

10:06: As usual these things gavel in late. For awhile there I was afraid I was going to have to listen to voters all morning.

Bess has joined me. Now this should be fun!

10:10:06 AM ohbabyitsbess: what's with waxman pronouncing it "lay-men" brothers
10:10:09 AM ohbabyitsbess: is that a subtle diss?
10:10:27 AM equityprivate: Ber-NAN-Kee. Like Hankey?
10:11:46 AM equityprivate: Waxman sort of reminds me of Paulson. I don't know, bald men all look the same to me.
10:12:40 AM ohbabyitsbess: he doesn't look anything like paulson to me
10:13:07 AM equityprivate: I think I am blinded by the anti-capitalist glare.
10:13:40 AM ohbabyitsbess: i wonder if any of the "damning documents" waxman is reading from were obtained by the Wall Street Snitch Y Bitch Line his office set up
10:13:49 AM ohbabyitsbess: http://dealbreaker.com/2008/09/house-announces-wall-street-sn.php
10:15:26 AM equityprivate: He's really winding up for some blistering swings. Waxman is already on the Bush's Cousin connection, Fuld as ducking all responsibility, steering Lay-Man-Brothers to the abyss.
10:15:39 AM equityprivate: And it hasn't been 10 minutes.

More after the Jump.

Given that the Russian exchanges hit their circuit breakers earlier today following a 15% plunge, I suppose it's not surprising that markets took one on the temple right off the bat. S&P 500 futures had a 1-2% drop figured since they opened yesterday at 6:00 pm, but that didn't stop the actual index from heading down 2.5%, quite a bit below the active futures contract at the moment, as quickly as it could in the last fifteen minutes. It's looking like a grim day. Perhaps we need some more song and dance on the NYSE floor? Grasso wouldn't let this gloom pervade The Street if he were here today.

Russian stock markets suspended [The International Herald Tribune]

I don't care how many zeros you had on your Schedule K-1 form last quarter, it doesn't get even remotely close to the ballerishness implicit in wielding so many blank checks with the logo of the United States Treasury in the upper left hand corner that one checkbook (and we are talking about the leather bound corporate ledger checkbooks here, folks) just isn't going to cut it. There is no limit to your ability to lay claim to "getting it done" as a way of life when the top drawer of your desk holds a pair of those books. No, sir.

And let me tell you something else. There are a vanishingly small number of positions that permit you to overcome an awkward past best described by sentences like "where he developed technology for NASA space science missions such as the James Webb Space Telescope," and claim this kind of rarefied status. "Interim Director, Office of Financial Stability, United States Treasury," my dear friends, is one of them.

Paulson to Tap Adviser to Run Rescue Program [The Wall Street Journal]

Treasury Officials [United States Department of the Treasury]

CNBC is reporting that a senior official from Citi said the bank is considering bidding for all of Wachovia, as opposed to just the banking operations, which was the gist of the previous deal.

I'm sure I don't have to remind any of you that today is Dick Fuld Day and we are all so excited we can barely keep our legs crossed. The Gorilla is set to testify before Congress in a hearing led by Representative Henry Waxman (D-CA), the chairman of the U.S. House of Representatives Committee on Oversight and Government Reform, in his first public appearance since Lehman Brothers bit it. In what cannot be a coincidence, NBC has finally released Fuld's spot on Weekend Update from two weeks ago, which was heretofore nowhere to be found online. Consider it a preview of this afternoon's proceedings, wardrobe included.

Editor's Note: My name is Daniel Harrison, and I'm the new Opening Bell writer here at Dealbreaker. Those of you who are readers of the TheStreet.com may remember my daily Asia markets column over there; others may have stopped by my personal blog, which is on the blogroll here. Either way, if you have anything you want to rant/ask/talk/tip about, you can e-mail me now on daniel (AT) dealbreaker (DOT) com.

Global Stocks, U.S. Index Futures Fall as Credit Crisis Widens (Bloomberg)
It looks like it's going to be an ugly morning. S&P futures are off 34 points, at 1073.90, while the Dow and the Nasdaq are both off around 1.5% in futures trading. Mainly it's that payroll report that came out Friday, which pointed to 159,000 jobs vanishing in September. Overseas investors also took a beating in Europe and Asia (see next article). If you're feeling bad about what's going on here however, take heart: European countries from Germany to Greece couldn't even agree on a mutual bailout package and are now going solo with plans to prop up their individual economies (which sort of defeats the point of a European Union, but anyway). That's put the euro at a 13-month low vs. the greenback. ... and you can expect that record to be broken again soon.

Asian stocks plumb depths on a wave of selling (Marketwatch)
Japan's Nikkei had its lowest close since February 2004, while in Hong Kong, the Hang Seng lost 5% and slumped to a 2-year low. In Shanghai, the composite index fell 5.2%. Chinese officials are turning yet more tricks to try and stimulate mainland markets, which are in somewhat of a death spiral, by allowing local companies to issue notes allowing them to buy back their own much-reduced shares. As always in Asia, the scenario is much more severe than it is stateside, but not without its quirks. While Hong Kong-listed shares of Chinese insurance giant Ping An dropped 8%, in Shanghai the shares rose 1%. Oh, and China's regulators seemed to think today made an opportune moment to announce that they will soon allow short-selling.

Bank of America to alter mortgages in $8.4 bln plan (Marketwatch)
From Tel Aviv, Marketwatch reports that BoA has reached an $8.4 billion agreement with an undisclosed number of U.S. states which will allow 400,000 former Countrywide clients to keep their homes. BoA's settlement covers anyone who took out a Countrywide mortgage before December 31, 2007, which seems fair enough. Today's stock futures aside, does this mean we've reached a bottom in the housing crisis? That's going to be the story peddled today, and actually for once, it's not such a bad story to write. BoA's actions will force others to reach the same kind of agreements, which in turn, should raise everyone's spirits over last week's bailout.

Fuld May Blame Confidence Crisis for Lehman's Demise (Bloomberg)
In all the market mayhem, we nearly forgot that it's time for Lehman's top man Dick Fuld's testimony to the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform today. Bloomberg reports that Fuld is likely to blame a "confidence crisis" in financial shares for Lehman's demise. True or not, that type of testimony is a bit late, and doesn't really help matters. Really, Fuld ought to say that, like everyone, he mistimed the market and that as a consequence, his firm went under. Still, his comments will be notable if it's a volatile day on Wall Street.

Oil falls below $90 as financial turmoil spreads (AP)
Black gold has hit an 8-month low, at around $90 a barrel. So much for the supposedly fireproof predictions of the genius analysts at Goldman Sachs, who said earlier this year that oil would hit $150 a barrel, despite weakening economic conditions. Any explanations?