This is a horrific way to start the morning, so I'm just going to assume that I'm still sleeping and this is a terrible nightmare from which I'll soon wake up. The Wall Street Journal reports that Goldman Sachs plans to cut about ten percent of its 32,500 employees, even though Chief Financial Officer David Viniar said in September that the firm's head count for the year would be flat or higher. Obviously he spoke too soon (or said "head" when he meant to say "body" which, admittedly is an easy mistake to make), and now we're all paying for it. What's worse, there's no sign or word from the bank that this is merely part of its yearly exercise in which they lop off the bottom, least Sachy members of the group. I swear, and this should be treated as a threat, someone had better be coming up with a new and inventive way to package this shit, otherwise, I'm really going to lose it. Please. Give us something.
Comments
More Favorite Reads
Sep 15, 2009, 2:22pm
Technical Difficulties Prevented Warren Buffett From Saving Lehman Brothers
I sense some judgment from the Bloomberg reporter here re:...
More »Sep 15, 2009, 2:00pm
People! THIS TYPE OF PERFORMANCE DOES NOT MAKE PTJ WANT TO RAIN BUCKETS O' CHICKEN ON YOUR ASSES!
Tudor BVI Global: August 2009: 0.5% YTD: 12.5% ...as for...
More »
Sep 09, 2009, 11:27am
Goldman Partner's Neighbors Scandalized By Shirt Optional Parties
Goldman Sachs partner managing director Richard Kimball Jr. apparently got...
More »Sep 09, 2009, 10:15am
Job Openings At AQR! (UPDATE)
Ladies, if you've been looking to work under one of...
More »
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 8:29AM
Well at least their bonus pools are safe thanks to the US taxpayer. Hank Paulson needs to steal as much as he can from the poor to give to the rich before he is booted out along with Bush & Cheney. It's amazing how there was no vote on Fannie, Freddie, AIG etc., it was just charge it to the taxpayer and destroy the US dollar. Hank Paulson, Goldman Sachs,,,I mean US Treasury Secretary, if that is not the Fox guarding the hen house I don't know what is.
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 8:31AM
Burn motherfucker burn!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fV5hSgPgKwI
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 8:42AM
boo-fucking-hoo
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 8:43AM
DIE GOLDMAN DIE DIE DIE!!!
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 8:43AM
how the Mighty have fallen. HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!!!!!!
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 8:44AM
Bess, why are you getting your panties in a bunch? I thought you were supposed to be the snarky, dispassionate outside observer watching all this with a sense of glee, like I am.
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 8:44AM
Somebody call the waaaaahmbulance
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 8:46AM
CNBC Quote of the day "If Jack Welch was in charge this mess wouldn't have happened"
Uh, have these guys ever looked at the capital reserves at GE's old insurance arms? They were definitely running on the AIG model, my accounting professor included it in book cooking 101 when i was an undergrad.
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 8:46AM
looks like bonuses are still safe. The top 3 banks only devoted about 20% less to the bonus pool from last yr. Given the increased # of layoffs, the people who are still working there could have higher yoy bonuses
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 8:46AM
looks like bonuses are still safe. The top 3 banks only devoted about 20% less to the bonus pool from last yr. Given the increased # of layoffs, the people who are still working there could have higher yoy bonuses
Posted by MarshallStack , Oct 23, 2008 8:47AM
@6
How do you see with your head so far up your ass?
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 8:49AM
Probably within the last couple three years, Bess met a banker from GOldman. She thought all her dreams had come true.
Then he gave her a "Danza Slap" and kicked her to the curb. The rest is history...
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 8:50AM
Which divisions are going to be effected?
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 8:51AM
@6- are you a fucking moron? or just born without the sarcasm gene?
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 8:51AM
Historically, the annual GS "cull" was 5%.
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 8:52AM
@13 -- the ones populated by illiterates. You better watch out...
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 8:52AM
@ 13. Yours
Posted by MarshallStack , Oct 23, 2008 8:52AM
@14 Sez who?
We don't do irony - it died along with Lehman.
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 8:52AM
@6@12- you are dumb
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 8:53AM
Ah but don't forget that now technically goldman is a bank owning an investment bank, so they are allowed to treat their employees like crap now.
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 8:56AM
@ 19 - vaffanculo!
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 8:57AM
the bigger they are (that is egos), the harder they fall....
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 8:58AM
what's the danza slap?
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 9:01AM
@everyone who doesn't get the sarcasm dripping from this post-- go back to yahoo where you came from.
Posted by benjaminwright , Oct 23, 2008 9:02AM
As employees are shown the door, an employer like Goldman is wise to hang onto their e-mail records. --Ben http://legal-beagle.typepad.com/wrights_legal_beagle/2008/10/retain-e-mail-of-former-employees.html
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 9:05AM
Bess don't worry. These poor souls will get new jobs at Government Sachs.
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 9:07AM
They are not layoffs....They are "unpaid sabbaticals".
~The Still-Employed HR Guy
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 9:09AM
@23 -
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Danza+slap
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 9:10AM
I thought the American taxpayers agreed that we would pay whatever it took to keep Goldman employees from having to feel any pain from the economic contraction. Instead of laying anyone off, why not just come back to Congress and ask for another $700B?
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 9:11AM
What!!!!??? Goldman Sachs layoffs??? I didn't think the US Government had layoffs.
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 9:11AM
hello all,
I'm an ivy league student who is going to graduate '09. I go to Yale. I want to work at Goldman. Can I please take over one of the 3,200 jobs that are going to be laid off?
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 9:13AM
@31:
you'll fit right in, Goldman's flagship hedge fund Global Alpha is looking for smart guys just like you. Look into applying there.
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 9:15AM
@31: Go fuck yourself
-Goldman Baller
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 9:18AM
danza slap- hit her in the face with your unit while saying "who's the boss?"
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 9:18AM
Allow me to be the tool that asks "Anyone know what the Associate numbers will be this year?"
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 9:20AM
Goldman Baller @33.
YOu're a baller no more loser. the action is on the buy-side. I moved over to a superior long/short hedge fund two years ago. WE manage in excess of $1.5bn. That makes me a baller. I have a track record of high -risk adjusted alpha generation ideas.
It is *I* who is the baller.
-HEDGE_FUND_BALLER
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 9:22AM
Hedge_fund_baller @ 36,
You are a sore ass loser as evidenced by your miserable name. $1.5 bn is jack-shit to be considered baller.
The real-action is on the PE side of things. Shut your mouth and your mom's pussy otherwise I'll LBO your ass.
LBO_Baller
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 9:25AM
#37: What cave did you crawl out of to say that the action is in PE right now?!
hahaha, that just made my day.
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 9:26AM
Wannabe ballers at 33, 36, 37
You asses probably went to some state-school but were hired by some affirmative action program at your respective firms.
But it's people like us - puritanical Boston Brahmin WASPs - who are the true ballers of this country. And you new money black asses know that.
It's people like us who prepped at the right traditional schools, prepped at schools that cost more than 10 years tuition at your state schools and went to elite Ivy League schools who are the REAL BALLERS of this country.
WASP_IvyLeague_BALLLER
(E. Forbes Darby IV)
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 9:26AM
Every one knows Goldman employees can't post on DB while at work. So you can rip into them all you like without fear of retaliation...
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 9:26AM
@ 37
So let me get this straight - you'll put up 10% of your own money and cover the rest in junk bonds and bank loans to buy Hedge_Fund_Baller?
And then what?
Posted by EricM , Oct 23, 2008 9:27AM
I love the smell of schadenfreude in the morning.
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 9:28AM
@37, you getting half a turn of leverage? That really juicing returns? Jackass
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 9:28AM
@37
FUCK YOU. Or I'll LBO your mom's black ass as well.
-LBO_Baller
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 9:30AM
I clean all your offices for $5.50 an hour!
Cleaner_Baller
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 9:30AM
A little early for racism #39
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 9:30AM
@43
Fuck you as well.
-LBO_Baller
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 9:33AM
Nothing makes me happier than seeing Goldman fall. Deutsche forever.
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 9:38AM
@45. At least that $5.50 buys you a lot more Pesos back home now.
Posted by mrpink , Oct 23, 2008 9:39AM
@44 -
Your bank just called, your loan for the LBO got declined.
-citibank baller
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 9:39AM
Who let Douche Bank in here.
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 9:41AM
The MD's are going to take all the money and run. This is their last chance to walk away with millions. In '09 the new dysfunctional congressional overlords will squash bonus pools at these "bank holding corporations".
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 9:45AM
like the way you think #9
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 9:47AM
I work at Mc D's and manage 1.5B french fries going into my grease bins each day.... who's the baller now fuckers?
I'll keep a spot open for you when GS gives you the boot.
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 9:47AM
@48 Get out Douche Bank
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 9:55AM
@50 Post collateral on that $&@#ing Argentine CDS right now or I'm sending gorrilas over.
Posted by mrpink , Oct 23, 2008 10:04AM
@56 -
I hope they are cute hunky midwestern gorillas at least. I hate the Gasparino look.
-mrp
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 10:37AM
FUCK GOLDMAN.
GO DEUTSCHE BANK GO GO.
Down with 85 Braod
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 10:38AM
Waaaaahmbulance in route to Goldman!
http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj220/sellthekids/waaaaahmbulance.jpg
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 10:40AM
@58
Fuck Loyd Blankfein while you're at it as well. Bloody masters of the universe no more. Die piggy de die.
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 10:41AM
So this is what a dork fight looks like...
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 10:45AM
(Un)fortunately the ballers these days are the former communist party chiefs in China and sheiks that pay to have their Lambos flown to the UK for service...and Carlos "FatBoy" Slim from southOftheborder [down Mejico way].
While we are on the topic of ballers, some old school hip-hip for ya courtesy of Skee-low biatches: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icr0eW1fRSs
-C
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 10:45AM
(Un)fortunately the ballers these days are the former communist party chiefs in China and sheiks that pay to have their Lambos flown to the UK for service...and Carlos "FatBoy" Slim from southOftheborder [down Mejico way].
While we are on the topic of ballers, some old school hip-hip for ya courtesy of Skee-low biatches: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icr0eW1fRSs
-C
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 10:47AM
@58
Fuck Loyd Blankfein while you're at it as well. Bloody masters of the universe no more. Die piggy de die.
Posted by StupidEquityGuy , Oct 23, 2008 10:53AM
@ the Ballers... Thanks for the laughs... Its been a while since we had a good bitch slap contest like that...
~The Piker Named SEG
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 10:56AM
In a word, poop.
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 11:01AM
Pinker @65,
What you finding so funny about ballers. Are you a hacker or co-cracker? Or a plain coke-whore. Slut. Bitch. Cunt
-Goldman baller
(who has a 10% chance of losing his job)
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 11:01AM
@52 right on .... VP and lower will get scratch, they are always looking for an excuse not to pay people.
and THIS is the mother of all excuses ... they'll be hearing a lot of "you did a great job but you're going to be down 45% ... don't feel bad, the guy next to you is going to be down 60%"
the conventional wisdom is it's better to have a shitty year at GS when the firm is doing well, b/c you'll still get paid ... it won't matter AT ALL in times like these (not that anyone will have done well)
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 11:04AM
Pinker @65,
What you finding so funny about ballers. Are you a hacker or co-cracker? Or a plain coke-whore. Slut. Bitch. Cunt
-Goldman baller
(who has a 10% chance of losing his job)
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 11:08AM
Half of ALL Global Alpha analysts and associates are asked to leave. You heard it here first.
This coroborates well with the word on the street that Global Alpha, GEO & NEO are going to go in for a massive liquidation though they want to keep that news and their positions secret for now.
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 11:08AM
@42 - love that smell too.....
GS = Gleeful Schadenfreude.
Blankies Bastards of The Universe are now all taking a big bite of the shit sandwich......ohhhh, payback's a bitch.
I hear your Meth severance is 2 grams for every year.
while you're down there, you can lick my boots too you cockdoodles.
i-c-d
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 11:24AM
Losses and layoffs have only begun, look at the ARM reset chart from Credit Suisse:
http://tinyurl.com/558bbd
We have three years of hell to go through before there will be any hope of a bottom and recovery.
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 11:42AM
last! all you "ballers" are smoking that la-la lahde
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 11:52AM
@70 for real?
@69 you are not a baller. And P > 10% because you're on here whilst at work, loser.
Wall Street Grad '09
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 11:57AM
@70 for real?
@69 you are not a baller. And P > 10% because you're on here whilst at work, loser.
Wall Street Class of '09
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 1:05PM
@70 - I'm surprised there weren't already massive cuts in Global Alpha considering the 40% drubbing they took in '07, can't imagine what this year's figures look like..
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 2:20PM
Being a relative novice on GS bashing (I want to see Citi buuuuuurrrrnnnnn) just thinking out loud here: ya suppose Blankie and The Bald One got together last year over a huge doobie or two, and concocted this masterplan of World Domination - knocking everyone else out of the sandbox so GS would be last one standing? Now, if this were the case the layoff's are just a dog 'n pony show anyway.
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 3:21PM
@77 of course. They are not so stupid as to appear to seem unaffected by everything, so they'll can 10% of their plebes, who cares. More for whose left. All part of their grand master plan. Maybe Krausy boy will come home after he parachutes outta MER.
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2008 3:42PM
So in two years from now, when Blankie and Baldie go to jail (maybe they can share bunks)the plebes can sneak the doobies in. I hear OJ is looking for bitches - bottoms up!
Posted by guest , Nov 04, 2008 7:16PM
Goldman Sachs is replacing underperformers every year. Much ado about nothing. Booted underperformers will then have to apply for jobs at Deutsche. So everybody's happy. Haaaaahhaa