As you likely know, many a hedge fund, even the big ones, have been taking a kabob stick to their collective urethra of late. Down thirty percent is the new flat for the month, and so on and so forth. We've passed on the sac-rippingly bad results of several Tiger Cubs over the last few days, and the Post reports this morning that a few other of Julian Robertson's children are having less than stellar days/weeks/months.
Lee Ainslie's Maverick dropped almost 19 percent in September, and his Maverick Leveraged fund fell 35.5 percent. Tiger Global, which returned 71 percent in 2007, dropped 14 percent last month, and Steve Mandel's Lone Pine Capital returned negative 15 percent. Hedge funds are supposed to be that industry where you can blow through 6 billion dollars in a week or so and still bounce back with a sweet consulting gig, but it's gotten so bad that some people don't think they're going to make it, and the down days are taking their toll. Sellers Capital founder Mark Sellers, who returned 65 percent for the first half of the year, but informed investors last month that he was packing it in and retiring from the profession 'cause he just can't take it anymore. Sellers wrote in a letter, "I truly love the art of investing, but managing people's money has taken a large toll on my demeanor and psyche. I feel downright miserable."
And he's not alone! Heretofore happy go lucky L-train is said to have a perma-frown on his face, and the big guy in Stamford, who's still doing remarkably well but whose multi-strategy fund was down 6.5 percent for September has been spotted sitting despondently atop the Zamboni. Because writing about their sadness is getting us sad, we've decided to put a stop to this. We'll be opening up a therapy stand, sort of like a kissing booth, to heal the depressed. We've rented out some space in 375 Park, where we'll hold sessions, during which the dialogue will go something like this.
Us: What's your name?
Patient: Steve Cohen
Us: Okay let's start.
Patient: I'm not feeling so great.
Us: It's not your fault.
Patient: I know, it's the markets.
Us: No, look at me son. It's not your fault.
Patient: I know.
Us: No, no, you don't. It's not your fault.
Patient: I know, traders don't lose money, mod-
Us: It's not your fault.
Patient: Don't fuck with me, Dealbreaker, not you!
Us: It's not your fault
[pushing, tears, hugs, tears ]
Patient: [still crying, clutching] I'm sorry
Us: Fuck them, okay?
Basically, it'll look like this:
Posted by guest , Oct 10, 2008 10:25AM
Nicely done Bess... 'So what's it say? Steven has an liquidation disorder? Fear of negative returns? Is that why I broke up with Skylar?'
Posted by guest , Oct 10, 2008 10:30AM
Let 'em burn.
Posted by guest , Oct 10, 2008 10:31AM
not funny and robin williams sux.
Posted by guest , Oct 10, 2008 10:34AM
Too robin williams-y; didn't watch.
Posted by guest , Oct 10, 2008 10:34AM
Where's the part where stevie gets a chubby while Bess is hugging him?
Posted by guest , Oct 10, 2008 10:35AM
"kabob stick to their collective urethra"
Add in a cheese grater and rubbing alcohol and that about sums it up...
Posted by guest , Oct 10, 2008 10:38AM
Rick’s Cabaret International, Inc. Reports Record Revenues in Its Fourth Quarter Driven by New Acquisitions and Positive Same Club Growth
fuld, mack, lloyd, vikram, dimon blowing off some steam this past quarter?
Posted by guest , Oct 10, 2008 10:39AM
Did erin really just say 9.75% cents on the dollar? What happened to twenty cents?
Posted by guest , Oct 10, 2008 10:39AM
Guys, tell me you don't think Damon is hot. C'mon, admit it. GAnalYst
Posted by guest , Oct 10, 2008 10:44AM
Rick’s Cabaret International, Inc. Reports Record Revenues in Its Fourth Quarter Driven by New Acquisitions and Positive Same Club Growth
fuld, mack, lloyd, vikram, dimon blowing off some steam this past quarter?
Posted by guest , Oct 10, 2008 10:59AM
Does anyone have a copy of the Sellers letter?
I used to have a password for their site but they changed it.
I was wondering what they were going to do about the whole MCF/PRXI mess they were in.
Posted by guest , Oct 10, 2008 11:00AM
@1 agreed.
"Your sandwich? I bought it...Here why don't we put your sandwich on layaway...you gimme your six cents now...and at the end of the week you'll get ya sandwich...what am I sandwich welfare?!......HERE'S YA FUCKIN' DOUBLE BURGER!"
Posted by guest , Oct 10, 2008 11:02AM
what does not kill me makes me poorer
Posted by guest , Oct 10, 2008 11:11AM
This market is getting ridiculous:
http://upzero.com
Posted by guest , Oct 10, 2008 11:41AM
This performance beat out Burt Reynolds' role in Boogie Nights. Robin Williams "brings it" in thid film. Reynolds was incredible, But Williams, with what he does here, and what he does throughout this film (especially when he grabs him by the neck) is truly one of the greatest supporting actor performances ever.
Great Idea, guys.
Anyone who bad-mouths this has really no value at all.
Posted by guest , Oct 10, 2008 11:42AM
This performance beat out Burt Reynolds' role in Boogie Nights. Robin Williams "brings it" in this film. Reynolds was incredible, But Williams, with what he does here, and what he does throughout this film (especially when he grabs him by the neck "Chief") is truly one of the greatest supporting actor performances ever.
Great Idea, guys.
Anyone who bad-mouths this has really no value at all.
Posted by guest , Oct 10, 2008 11:45AM
You guys forgot to mention Tim Barakett's Atticus Capital...imploding as we speak!
Posted by guest , Oct 10, 2008 11:53AM
How are things over at FIG?
Posted by guest , Oct 10, 2008 12:00PM
@ Bess and #6 --
really, what's with the urethra violation fixation?? Get to the urologist, STAT, girlfriend.
At LEAST drink some cranberry juice.
Ouch.
Posted by hedgehog , Oct 10, 2008 12:17PM
kissing booth with bess?
Posted by guest , Oct 10, 2008 12:43PM
Nobody works in this town without a retainer
Your situation...for You, would be concurrently improved if I was in all cash right now.
Maybe now SAC will sell his image to wikipedia and that dead shark he has in his house...
I'm talking about workin for a livin...I'm talking about "Sharkin"
He's been counting money his whole life...
Posted by guest , Oct 10, 2008 12:47PM
My wife still holds a nursing licence. This is her suggestion for treatment of the hedge funds who now are on some type of life support:
Put carbon monoxide in their oxygen masks. That will really make their blood run bright red and 'brain dead' them as well.
See the movie "Coma" from 20 years ago. You'll get the idea.
The Guy from Delaware
Posted by guest , Oct 10, 2008 1:03PM
Keep on rockin' Wall St, IB's, HF's, PE'S, CDS and the like. Party On. Business as Usual.
Only thing is, Wall St is like a live Christmas Tree "festooned with goodies" (quote John McCain).
The tree was dead the moment it was cut down. It just won't know it for a few months. All the water in the pan, all the plant food sprinkled in the water won't help much. All the needles will still turn brown and fall to the floor.
Wall Street had its century. It's all but f'n dead now. As we move on into the unknown, I hope we all can survive somehow. Maybe my "All Cash" position will help me to do so.
The Guy from Delaware
Posted by guest , Oct 11, 2008 3:33AM
@9 Happily straight guy here, and yes, Damon's hot.