Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT muffmarkets.com) was an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a "Bulge Bracket" bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. She concentrated in Contemporary French Poetry at prep school where she was awarded the exclusive premiership of the school's "French Club." Today, Ms. Benson-Perella is the Founder and Managing Director of "Muffie on Markets" (http://www.muffmarkets.com), a deep dive into capital markets, finance and investment strategy. She is also the Founder and Managing Director of Muff Cap, LLC., an invitation only, private investment vehicle for non-existent, prestigious and accredited investors only, employing an actively managed, long-short strategy.
I'm sure that a certain subset of my public understands the occasional difficulties implicit in the "work hard, play hard" lifestyle. You know who you are, my lovelies.
Sometimes you just have to go with the flow a little on Wednesday after work. The blackberry starts buzzing around 6:30 or 7:00, with friends planning and plotting the evening's entertainment. While most of my inner circle aren't prone to childish bickering, they can try the patience with the back and forth over the "perfect environment for after work cocktails" debate. (Personally, I grow tired of 'Netti since that tart Lauren is always there. I really don't know who she thinks she is. Someone cares, I'm certain, that her boyfriend is from California, but I don't know precisely who that someone is).
And you get there, a little tired because you were trying to work a little less hard than usual and avoid that bastard of a Senior Vice President who keeps looking at your boobs and still hasn't figured out that you can totally tell and your sponsor Managing Director is out of town and I am pretty sure that he is seeing someone else and I don't mean his wife and that would totally make him a liar and I just don't have time for liars at this stage in my life, so you probably have that first cosmo a little faster than you mean to and the second one is sort of in your hand before you know it.
And then your not quite best friend forever (NQBFF) has these guys who so-aren't-from-a-prestigious-investment-bank who keep sending her vodka martinis and obviously she can't drink them alone, and after all, what are friends for? That's annoying though because after you drink those they think they somehow have some right to come and actually talk to you and your friends. It is always awkward setting the new money straight and your friends are far too nice so it is always you who has to do it because no one else will tell these socially disaffected "finance professionals" to just go back to Jersey City or wherever.
Somehow, after that things get blurry, and you think maybe you are only getting one half-hour out of every 3, or something. And then, before you know it, it is like, who knows what time the next morning (since you lost your favorite Cartier watch somewhere) you are staring up at the ceiling of a 7-11 from the cold and flu remedy aisle and three people are yelling at you and you were supposed to be at work hours ago.
So you start the day off, frankly, a little rattled. Waking up was good. So that's on the plus side. But by 11:00 or so, when you just bop home for a little bit to change, you are missing certain, well, undergarments. The ramifications are awful, but you are totally sure that you are just being paranoid about it and anyhow your head is pounding like Daddy's down-the-line backhand.
Then you find the used prophylactic wrapper in your pocket. That is 11:12am. That is when you hit bottom. Rock, solid bottom. Down 4.75% on the day bottom, and it's not even noon.
Anyhow, there is nothing to do but go on, so you put your chin up and keep going. And while you're in the cab, right about 12:13 pm, going through your purse to find your ID badge, you find a full baggie. Your NQBFF must have given it to you before she went home with Phoebe and Lawrence and forgotten about it. That slowly sinks in and by 12:23 pm, you are back up to where you started when you woke up, and before you realized how bad it really was. Seriously, finding someone to deliver at that hour on a Thursday would be impossible basically.
But work still looms, and by 1:00pm you are kind of beat again. And you are just looking for an excuse to sneak into that bathroom on the 30th but you are going to have to do a key bump and that's super gross because the key to the Rover has this horrible metallic smell. This is all very depressing and the anticipation really gets to you.
By 1:45 pm you do a little skiing, you know, just a little, and it hits you pretty quickly. And really, work isn't so bad. And last night wasn't so bad. And at least you used protection. And you don't seem to have lost your phone or anything. A little refresh about 2:00 pm, 2:05 pm, 2:10 pm, and 2:20 pm and really, the day is just fine after all. And, as it turns out, that SVP was out last night too, and he hides in his little office all day long. By 4:00 pm, that was a pretty, damn good day. You're up like 3.75%. And, you know what, the Blackberry is going of again, early this time.
And that, my dear public, was the market today.
I know you guys know what I mean. Ta-ta for now!
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 5:12PM
stop the madness
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 5:13PM
Mayo?
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 5:15PM
Kill yourself now.
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 5:15PM
thank you. that was perfect.
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 5:15PM
thank you. that was perfect.
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 5:19PM
I think I love you.
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 5:24PM
made more sense than dh's post
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 5:24PM
my eyes are fucking bleeding. who the fuck are you?
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 5:24PM
WTF is the baggie? Weed?
I admit it, I'm a clueless fuck.
Posted by Phobos , Oct 16, 2008 5:25PM
@8
She's my future ex-wife, that's who.
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 5:25PM
Why is Paris Hilton blogging on this site...this is awful
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 5:29PM
muffy that was awesome
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 5:30PM
This post brings stream of consciousness to new and unheard of heights, Bravo!
-MoneyGrip Wisdom
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 5:31PM
Bravo.
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 5:32PM
only pictures of her naked will resolve this tragedy.....please make it many naked pics!
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 5:32PM
Bess, please save us.
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 5:33PM
I stopped reading at "B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College"
I really hope that this person isn't Bess Levin though like muff@muff says she is.
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 5:33PM
the subtle almost unwitting shift from 3rd person to 1st person is one of the best tricks of writing i've seen in a long time. hah!
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 5:37PM
@17- IT'S NOT BESS. jesus.
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 5:38PM
Your posts are terrible. Please stop.
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 5:40PM
@9-...I think they are Epstein's Hershey bars?
Posted by girl , Oct 16, 2008 5:43PM
First we have to read ep and then her bipolar alter ego Muffy? Bess I love you, really, like almost in a lesbian way, but i can't conceal my hatred anymore.
We might not warrant much but a step up from this fucking drivel would be- at the least- tolerable.
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 5:44PM
everyone already see that joke about joe biden asking sarah palin what's the difference between her mouth and a vagina, and the answer is only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.
haven't? well now you did...and Muffie, you're like the retarded child out of Sarah Palin's vaj
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 5:44PM
Its Chang posting under a new name!
Posted by Investorcluzo , Oct 16, 2008 5:45PM
sweet baby jeezus, that's just what the dr ordered. that was a damn good follow-up to yesterday's recap. key bump, rover - ha! I see someone is still driving around in daddy's car...okay, so bessy, where is db hosting drinks tonight? I can't face tomorrow sober.
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 5:45PM
Oh, whoopa-dee-dumpa-tee-doo. Can you say cliche? Of course you can, so now start saying it and stop writing.
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 5:51PM
"Wall Street may be hungry for such material -- at least the busy comments sections seems to indicate that. Some of the most popular posts, in terms of reader comments, are written by ''Muffie Benson-Perella,'' an obnoxious, deliciously fictional columnist who wields her credentials and whose name and bio manage to make fun of about half a dozen people and institutions in fewer than 70 words"
From http://www.elizabethspiers.com/press.html
Posted by Investorcluzo , Oct 16, 2008 5:52PM
@girl - let her have a little fun. it's the english lit major coming out. after all, some men need to understand that the women in the office know when they're checking out the goods. some guys just don't get it!
Posted by mrpink , Oct 16, 2008 5:55PM
Bravo!
-mrp
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 5:58PM
I would cunniling you into an orgasmic frenzy that will leave you weak-kneed and disoriented for weeks. Really.
Posted by Phobos , Oct 16, 2008 6:01PM
@30
You probably need to go outside more. Fresh air.. maybe play "catch" with dog (frisbee).. get some light man.
Posted by girl , Oct 16, 2008 6:03PM
@ 28
It's not so much a little fun as an overload on cocaine references in every fucking post and desperate attempts at humour that frankly, make me wish for the return of Carney.
His posts never made me want to claw my eyeballs out with palm-tree-encrusted acrylic nails.
Anyway I'm off! Closing belle indeed.
Posted by Muffie Benson-Perella , Oct 16, 2008 6:03PM
"Wall Street may be hungry for such material -- at least the busy comments sections seems to indicate that. Some of the most popular posts, in terms of reader comments, are written by ''Muffie Benson-Perella,'' an obnoxious, deliciously fictional columnist who wields her credentials and whose name and bio manage to make fun of about half a dozen people and institutions in fewer than 70 words"
From http://www.elizabethspiers.com/press.html
Ok, that's totally defamation and my father's attorney is already looking in to it from before, so can we not keep copy pasting it? 'kay? Thanks.
Posted by Headless Horseman , Oct 16, 2008 6:04PM
Can't believe I just "spent" five minutes of my life reading this.
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 6:05PM
tl/dr;
Posted by Anal_yst , Oct 16, 2008 6:08PM
i thought it was hilarious, take it for what it is kiddies
Posted by Billy Ray Human , Oct 16, 2008 6:13PM
this is just what the yahoo finance crew needed. Muffie, you are def hot.
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 6:18PM
That took you five minutes to read?
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 6:24PM
Are DH and Muff Somali pirates who have imprisoned Beth? Probably not, as those denizens of the sea would be more coherent and interesting than these fucks.
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 6:26PM
@39- who is "beth"?
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 6:28PM
I stopped reading at "B.A."
Posted by Lowly Assistant , Oct 16, 2008 6:31PM
Muffie,
It took far too long to get your input back on the pages of DB. Absurd, really. We should all feel privaleged to have two posts in one week.
---Truly a fan 'til I'm underground.
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 6:57PM
yummy
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 7:37PM
I hate this bitch. Her cunt probably smells like gouda cheese...smokey ass ho.
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 8:38PM
#23, that is sort of a disgusting joke at the expense of children who are not born perfect. shame on you for repeating it.
--your mother
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 8:50PM
"First we have to read ep and then her bipolar alter ego Muffy?"
I was thinking the same thing, not so much the dislike of either of their postings, but that simply EP = Muffy.
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 9:08PM
Muffie, how is the life of privilege that you lead? Are you trying out to be paris' BBF?
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 9:22PM
@23...fucking hilarious!
One of the best comments on here in a long time and if Toxic Muff brings out comments like that then there is an upside.
-- Commander Bear
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 10:12PM
let's go muff diving
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 10:22PM
Muff honey, we need to have a talk, n'kay?
Even WITH protection that is seriously gross behavior.
Also, think of all the little Colombian peasants who died just for your little "eskimo kisses."
It's okay to IGNORE the blackberry one night a week, m'kay?
kiss, kiss.
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 10:30PM
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/profile.php?sid=d1713540a2cc20dba0f829c8cba5c678&refurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fs.php%3Fsid%3Dd1713540a2cc20dba0f829c8cba5c678%26init%3Dq%26sf%3Dr%26k%3D400000000010%26n%3D-1%26q%3Dmuffie%2Bperella&id=1169629646&hiq=muffie%2Cperella
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 10:43PM
Bravo! See you at the Hunt this weekend...
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 10:50PM
just what the world needs - another vapid banking chick who thinks shes deep. congratulations - youve figured out men want to fuk you. now stfu
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 10:51PM
just what the world needs - another vapid banking chick who thinks shes deep. congratulations - youve figured out men want to fuk you. now stfu
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 10:52PM
just what the world needs - another vapid banking chick who thinks shes deep. congratulations - youve figured out men want to fuk you. now stfu
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 10:54PM
frikkin internet was freezing - sorry for the tri-post
Posted by guest , Oct 16, 2008 11:42PM
#52-#56 Get over it. Muffie's not real, just DB's poor attempt at parody.
Posted by guest , Oct 17, 2008 12:03AM
didn't read what you wrote, but i'll eat your muffin any day, violate you anyway you want.
Posted by guest , Oct 17, 2008 12:53AM
mmm...crimson muffins...my favorite!
Posted by guest , Oct 17, 2008 1:05AM
Officially done with this site.
Posted by guest , Oct 17, 2008 1:34AM
Reject @23 -- Joe Biden heard about that while watching President FDR on television in 1929.
http://wire.factcheck.org/2008/09/24/biden-fdr-and-the-invention-of-television/
Biden was the only one, however, as FDR wasn't the president in 1929, and television also wasn't available.
What kind of moron makes fun of disabled children?
Posted by guest , Oct 17, 2008 2:05AM
No one got the joke? This is not a real person. Nice one Bess.
Posted by guest , Oct 17, 2008 3:06AM
as markets plunge, is mufty diving?
Posted by guest , Oct 17, 2008 3:25AM
Thank you for your inane drivel I'm going over to Clusterstock now.
Posted by guest , Oct 17, 2008 8:41AM
Okay, this is some sort of sick joke right? WTF? I mean, am I the only real investment banker that came to the realization that "Muffie" couldn't close a f&*$%$ window, let alone be qualified to work in the mail room at an investment bank?
Come on people, it is bankers like this that got us here in the first place, and at least this downturn will allow the sorry saps that came into this business for every stupid reason under the son to go home and leave the tough stuff for the real Wall Street players!
P.S.: Muffie I personally find you professionally and socially inadequate. Please do not post anything on this blog again.
Thanks from all the JD/MBA I-Bankers at a real investment bank near you!
Posted by guest , Oct 17, 2008 9:19AM
Someone forgot to tell her we are not in the 1980s anymore. This is so last decade and been done to death it'as not even funny. In Muffie's "what-passes-for-english" terminology, it's so totally like, stolen from McInerny.
Posted by guest , Oct 17, 2008 9:26AM
@65 - What's an investment bank? You must be talking about those firms from back in the day... you know, like pre-September 2008.
Posted by guest , Oct 17, 2008 9:27AM
65 - touche, Sir, well done. A meta-parody of a supposedly outraged 'serious banker' laying into this fictional piece - ostensibly without realising MBP is, of course a FICTIONAL character, just like all the other comments say?
Swiftian wit, sir! Bravo!
What? Eh? Oh. You absolute tool.
Posted by guest , Oct 17, 2008 9:31AM
@51 go visit www.tinyurl.com for future links...
Posted by guest , Oct 17, 2008 9:33AM
People here need to chill out. Seriously.
Posted by guest , Oct 17, 2008 9:57AM
you know what, we really need additional casually moral, coke bumping hores (this is asexual--you can be a male or female tramp) in our lives. i applaud you my friend. you sound a bit pretentious, but i would enjoy your stories.
Posted by guest , Oct 17, 2008 1:43PM
That's one Muff I wouldn't mind diving into. BTW, I checked out your blog; good call on buying LEH on March 19th at $44.63. Off to the races. I see Erin Callin (a Harvards grad, natch) did let her sisters down. What a drag. Maybe you can write a French poem to express your distress. Here's somethign to get you started:
Je m'appele Muff
Tous cet merde is enough
Jai perdu trop d'argent
Je pleure come un enfant
Posted by guest , Oct 17, 2008 6:56PM
Fuck off
go back to Pre:Post and snort sweetened blow
Posted by guest , Oct 18, 2008 11:48AM
Seriously, she has on her website a link to her AOL screenname. Everyone else abandoned that shitty platform. Like three years ago. When Gchat came out. Apparently she wasn't in the loop enough to get an invite.
Posted by guest , Oct 21, 2008 10:39AM
I'm having a good deal of trouble telling if most of these posters in the comments are
a) retarded as all fuck
b) trolling
but I'm pretty sure it's A.
Also, good job on fitting "muff" and "deep dive" into the same sentence.