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The Closing Belle: Your Negativity Makes Me Want To Aspirate Repeatedly Into My Oxygen Mask

m2small.jpgMuffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT muffmarkets.com) was an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a “Bulge Bracket” bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. She concentrated in Contemporary French Poetry at prep school where she was awarded the exclusive premiership of the school’s “French Club.” Today, Ms. Benson-Perella is the Founder and Managing Director of “Muffie on Markets” (http://www.muffmarkets.com), a deep dive into capital markets, finance and investment strategy. She is also the Founder and Managing Director of Muff Cap, LLC., an invitation only, private investment vehicle for non-existent, prestigious and accredited investors only, employing an actively managed, long-short strategy.
I am sick and tired of all the doom-sayers going around and trashing the economy. Someone please explain to me how the economy can be “tanking” when an automaker is the largest market cap stock in the world, eclipsing an oil company? Does that sound like recession to you? When a middle-class yuppie car with so-so gas mileage is putting the black gold people to shame? I don’t think so.
Then there is the hint that says all that needs saying: certain highly prestigious investment banks are back into the triple digits where they belong. Yahoo and AOL are in talks that will permit Yahoo to finally overpay for AOL. Casinos are back in vogue. Don’t give me that “dead cat bounce” thing either. That is so, so tired.
Look, it is beyond depressing when Cramer is the only person who agrees with me. Let’s get on the stick ok?
As you may or may not be aware, my birthday is this week. I’m expecting big things from the ‘rents this year. As such, you people need to get on it and start buying some shares. Get off the sidelines. The nation is looking to us for leadership. My birthday presents are looking to you for leadership. We have to set the pace. Sprint for the first few miles. Then we can relax, let the pack follow along, and lag back until a taxi comes along to take us to the finish. You know what I mean. I’m talking about consumer confidence. I’m talking about spending. I’m talking about boosting the debt loads again. I’m talking about patriotism.
I realize that it looks a little like we have to behave ourselves and be good while Waxman is watching, but its just temporary. This is no time to cancel plans for Lech. This is not the time to postpone the engagement. This is absolutely not the time to cancel the sailing trip.
As for your fear-factor rhetoric, I don’t want to hear it. Get your ass in gear and start buying baubles for your loved one. That is what is needed today. Purchase courage.
Ok, you people, you are not listening. Just since I’ve been typing this you bombed the entire market. We were up to 970 on the SAP for god sake. You killed 40 points in 4 minutes. That is not cooperation. That is not the kind of leadership I am talking about. Is there a man among you? Even one? Am I going to have to find a date from Citibank for the Christmas party this year?
I’m done for the day. I am going to borrow Aunty’s oxygen tank for a few minutes and then I am going for a well deserved spa day.
I feel totally nauseous. You people make me sick.

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95 Responses to “The Closing Belle: Your Negativity Makes Me Want To Aspirate Repeatedly Into My Oxygen Mask”

  1. guest says:

    muffy love the name and your very kind face. the kind i’d like to drop a load on!!!

  2. guest says:

    Muffy = Zibby

  3. guest says:

    Too “muffy”, don’t read

  4. guest says:

    We need to see more posts like this… With a pic of the author.

  5. guest says:

    she “likes” the fact that she and Cramer think alike
    ’nuff said

  6. girl says:

    Muffie got even uglier! I wasn’t aware this was possible

  7. prgy says:

    Why all the talk about casino’s. I got rolled by a hooker in Vegas, last Christmas Eve at The Bellagio. I hate casinos.

  8. guest says:

    I’d show her my bulge bracket…

  9. guest says:

    why do they let her post? It is the worst thing on this website

  10. guest says:

    wow, not a flattering pic of the imaginary character.

  11. guest says:

    She looks cute on photo

  12. guest says:

    do we get to see the market take a cliff dive this week?

  13. guest says:

    how’s Muffie’s Muffin??

  14. guest says:

    Christ, this is what Harvard teaches you?

  15. guest says:

    Who are you calling “you people”?

  16. guest says:

    she sounds like she’s a high maintenance drunkard who is frigid in the sac.

  17. guest says:

    is this real or just a joke cooked up by DB?

  18. MarshallStack says:

    I am an extremely size guy.
    What is satire?

  19. guest says:

    The fact that Harvard let you into their MBA program shows how worthless it is.
    You were probably part of the risk control group watching CDSs. You: “like, OMG, these CDSs are, like, so totally complicated and boring, and I realllly want to get out of here so I can go meet my pack of incredibly annoying girlfriends and talk about how all men suck, and how great we are. Yeah that analyst from Glenview is a total asshole, but I kinda like him. You think he’d sleep with me?”
    Hence, I blame the whole meltdown on Harvard MBAs of Muffy’s ilk. Seriously, stop writing – it’s too painful to read.

  20. guest says:

    We were up to 970 on the SAP for god sake.
    good call.

  21. guest says:

    Its too bad Vagina Benson-Perella was unable for this article.

  22. guest says:

    @14. Actually, they don’t teach Chr!st at Harvard.

  23. guest says:

    People that IS Bess…
    Man i hate this fucking cunt bag character.

  24. guest says:

    saw muffy – didnt read. at least make her posts productive by showing her naked. otherwise, no value add.

  25. Muffie Benson-Perella says:

    19- You were probably part of the risk control group watching CDSs. You: “like, OMG, these CDSs are, like, so totally complicated and boring, and I realllly want to get out of here so I can go meet my pack of incredibly annoying girlfriends and talk about how all men suck, and how great we are.’
    That’s absurd.
    First of all, CBSs are not that complicated. Second, a lot of important ideas develop through social interaction at the office. Do you work in the basement or something? I bet you are at one of those “other” firms. You know the ones. They got into the London game late and are stuck on the warf now.
    Look, no one needs your thinly veiled Harvard envy here.

  26. guest says:

    Is this Joe Perella’s wife? I know he married some analyst when he was running MS i-banking. Great leadership…
    She must be long.
    Or maybe her Sugar Daddy is low on dough.

  27. guest says:

    Is this Joe Perella’s wife? I know he married some analyst when he was running MS i-banking. Great leadership…
    She must be long.
    Or maybe her Sugar Daddy is low on dough.

  28. guest says:

    I am a presidential candidate. What is a muff?

  29. guest says:

    Muff writes like EP. Is EP muff?

  30. guest says:

    @23- you guys are retarded. muffie is a FICTIONAL character created by elizabeth spiers when db first came out. grow a brain cell:
    http://www.nytimes.com/2006/04/08/business/08online.html?scp=1&sq=muffie%20benson%20perella&st=cse

  31. guest says:

    muffie is a fictional character most likely written by ep.

  32. Muffie Benson-Perella says:

    ‘muffie is a FICTIONAL character created by elizabeth spiers when db first came out. grow a brain cell:’
    That is totally absurd.
    You should know that my father’s attorneys are looking into a lawsuit for that slanderous article.
    Besides. Elizabeth doesn’t even work here anymore, Pandit.

  33. guest says:

    shut muffie u fake stupid kunt

  34. guest says:

    fictional or not… the only entertaining thing she could say would be nothing, and just show nekkid pics

  35. guest says:

    21: A+ for the joke. F- for the delivery.

  36. girl says:

    Yes, it’s written by EP, which is why she is so fucking annoying.
    And no, that’s not Bess, she is much cuter.

  37. guest says:

    Get the fuck out, Muffie, I can’t stand you, fake bitch.

  38. guest says:

    Muffie please- get on it, get on the stick, Get your ass in gear, boosting a load, take us to the finish…you definitely need a date now, you wont make it to christmas

  39. Muffie Benson-Perella says:

    ‘Get the fuck out, Muffie, I can’t stand you, fake bitch.’
    I am the superior wall street you love to hate but cannot help but envy. No, you may not buy me dinner.

  40. guest says:

    at least use the old pic. this one is fug

  41. diablo says:

    We have a winner and that is #36.

  42. guest says:

    i prefer the market wraps written by ep

  43. MarshallStack says:

    I am an extremely size guy.
    What is satire?

  44. guest says:

    REFRESHING PIECE MUFFY. YOU MADE MY DAY!

  45. guest says:

    Not
    -44

  46. guest says:

    This is boring…DB is skidding…

  47. guest says:

    @47- not db, just this fictional cunt’s lame contribution.

  48. guest says:

    Lech is sooooo 1987. Like that photo.
    – Egon

  49. guest says:

    @25 “Look, no one needs your thinly veiled Harvard envy here.”
    No Harvard envy – I’m pointing out that you’re one of the pointless class that will now go back to what they were good at – nothing.

  50. guest says:

    @25 “Look, no one needs your thinly veiled Harvard envy here.”
    No Harvard envy – I’m pointing out that you’re one of the pointless class that will now go back to what they were good at – nothing.

  51. guest says:

    DB Staff,
    Is it possible for you to ban the IPs of 14, 17, 19.
    Or at least block from commenting…

  52. guest says:

    Lech is sooooo 1987. Like that photo.
    – Egon

  53. guest says:

    Please include 50/51 also.
    Thanks!
    -52

  54. guest says:

    Satire —>
    Head of the average DB reader —>

  55. guest says:

    Satire —>
    Head of the average DB reader —>

  56. guest says:

    “Please include 50/51 also.
    Thanks!
    -52″
    Oh and please ban 52 for being a wuss.

  57. guest says:

    Can’t stand this wench.
    TLDR©

  58. guest says:

    No, no. I like the original pic of Muffie. Take that new shit off.
    http://www.weeklyta.blogspot.com

  59. guest says:

    I HATE YOU YOU MUFF EATING PIECE OF CARPET

  60. guest says:

    there were layoffs today at ML

  61. guest says:

    there were layoffs today at ML

  62. guest says:

    there were layoffs today at ML

  63. guest says:

    Yes, I heard it affected mostly Chicago and New York
    Anyone confirm? Numbers?

  64. guest says:

    Muffie…
    An Ivy twit like like you should know that the word “nauseous” in the last sentence of your post is not a proper word at all. “Nauseous” is a vulgarism. The correct spelling is nauseated.
    The Guy from Delaware

  65. guest says:

    heard from an internal that the merrill heads will roll on 11/18

  66. guest says:

    Wow, 66 comments and no — well here, I’ll do it.
    TITS OR GTFO!

  67. guest says:

    Muffie is a cunt with crabs. And E. Spiers is a wart ridden cunt for inventing such a character…
    You fuckin’ a right i said it.

  68. guest says:

    Hey there, don’t dis the Muff! She’s my mentor..big sister and inspiration! I interned at JP Morgan last summer, I’m hoping she picks me for next summer.
    Sisters rule!
    — Wharton Chick

  69. guest says:

    @69…i don’t understand…please swallow first before speaking.
    You cum guzzling sperm burper.

  70. guest says:

    Muffie – You need to begin making Snuff Films. Anything to make yourself interesting

  71. guest says:

    MUFF!
    This site needs more Muffie, great post. Love the “Harvard envy” line.

  72. guest says:

    I must be really stupid, I thought Muffie actually managed her own fund, until today.

  73. guest says:

    Dear TGFD – you are truly a cocktard.
    Why don’t you restrict yourself to impressing your retail clients with your knowledge of the markets? Before you embarrass yourself any further, here’s a link to the word “nauseous”, which is what your posts make me.
    – Lurker finally driven to post

  74. guest says:

    A lot of law firms disappearing. Is the same happening with hedge funds and banks only we aren’t hearing about it. Newspapers laying people in droves. You can tell they laid off the business writers as the coverage just isn’t the same, shall we say level of understanding and intelligence.
    Someone needs to start compiling lists of this stuff to figure out exactly what is going on.

  75. guest says:

    do all the pretenders who post on this blog still make fun of meridith Whitney or however you spell her name?
    Love,
    Retired before 40 retail guy

  76. StillNoCouch says:

    I did my part in the “Muff’s Tough On Stuph” front …
    … BTW …
    anybody got any VW on ’em ? Really, I’m hurtin’ man … I’m good for it, really …
    (Oh shit, nevermind … here come’s Colonel Klink)

  77. I am a Dude says:

    Muffie reminds me of families that call their kids after the same name as the family dog.

  78. guest says:

    I believe it should be written ” I feel NAUSEATED”. “I feel nauseous” would imply that you cause others to feel like throwing up. I guess they don’t teach that stuff at Fake Harvard.

  79. guest says:

    Too inane; didn’t read.

  80. guest says:

    I’m a grad of StateUniversityofNew
    York. Is there hope for me to become a Master of the Universe?

  81. Lowly Assistant says:

    Girl: Did EP pour sugar in your gas tank while fucking your mother in the ass? I don’t get the bitterness.
    EP’s writing is phenomenal. And Muffie P-B is truly a market-mover. Asia’s on the up and up, while Muff has her butler stoke the fire in the Berkshires (day off…she needs it).

  82. guest says:

    Ok, this is it. DB has now jumped the shark.

  83. guest says:

    girl – if you are one, which i really doubt – why dont you shut your hole (not the other two, those are for double-teaming truckers) about EP.
    If you dont like her writing, go play with yourself and watch pictures on perezhilton

  84. guest says:

    Love the excessive hatred on these comments. Deep dive, muff markets, hmmm – I wonder if there is satire involved? Perhaps the best thing to do is to hurl random, anonymous abuse at the author to satisfy your own deep self-loathing. Oh, and by the way, I am a very successful hedge fund manager who SHORTS stocks and makes money out of it (not VW either) and I used to work in an investment bank and make BONUSES!!! Please feel free to include me in your vitriol.

  85. guest says:

    girl = N.A.S.T.Y.

  86. guest says:

    How about Girl and Muffie in a three in a bed romp? or…even better…bess, girl and Muffie… jeeze…Im off to the gents to pull one off on that thought…

  87. guest says:

    muffy muffdiving girl, girl groping bess and bess getting bestial on muffy…
    im so horny now…

  88. guest says:

    how about you guys interview some real women with brains? this is embarrassing and annoying!

  89. guest says:

    Light up peeps, I want to work for a fake firm too. Pays better than the real one I’m at….
    Layoffs all over the street! The fake Muffster still has a fake job.
    Get a sense of humor you guys…! Rather have a fake article by a imaginary chick than a real article written by a depressing tight ass.

  90. guest says:

    am i the only one that is annoyed by Muffie?

  91. guest says:

    @92 – Yes einstein, i meticulously read through all the comments above and it seems you are indeed the only one expressing annoyance. Tool.

  92. guest says:

    @92 – Yes einstein, i meticulously read through all the comments above and it seems you are indeed the only one expressing annoyance. Tool.

  93. guest says:

    you don’t aspirate into something, idiot. stick to bschool terminology.