• 12 Dec 2008 at 10:09 AM

Made-off Act I, Chapter I: How Like A Serpent’s Tooth

By Equity Private

“Hey Dad! Boy, we were just saying how great it is to work for you given this credit crisis. To think we could have wasted our lives working somewhere rather than at the firm ever since we turned 20 or so. Considering the degree of investment genius that so obviously runs in the family… what? Dad, what’s wrong? Are you ok? What? Sure. Sure! You know you can tell us anything. Anything. Aw, Dad. C’mon. Nothing you could say will make us love you any less. Really, tell us. I mean, it’s not like we won’t go on as a family. We’d do anything for you. You have a lover? There was an accident maybe? She… ‘slipped?’ No, nothing like that? Gay? Gay with lover? Gay with underage lover? Murdered someone else? Was it that Philby character from the club? Please, that guy was such an asshole. Can we help chop the body up? No? Not that? Ok, you’re going to have to help us along here, Dad. What? The business… but…. Gone. When you say ‘gone,’ you mean like, 50% drawdown? We can still survive that… Ok, 60% 80%? All? What do you mean by ‘all’? 60%? 80%? Uh… I see. I… see. Uh, huh. Uh… riiiight. No… jobs? No more… club? No more…. Ok, dad. Just… wait here a second. We just have to make a quick phone call to the F… er… florist. Be right back. Just wait right here. Coming, Andrew?”
Top Broker Accused of $50 Billion Fraud [The Wall Street Journal]

Comments (11)

  1. 1
    Posted by guest | December 12, 2008 at 10:14 AM

    First to cop a plea…

  2. 2
    Posted by guest | December 12, 2008 at 10:17 AM

    I think Bernie’s sons showed remarkable restraint. If there was ever a case for justified patricide, I think this qualifies.
    Bris Milah knife to the eye? Bagel with shmear stuffed down the throat? Crushing to death under a truckload of pastrami?

  3. 3
    Posted by RonBurgundy | December 12, 2008 at 10:17 AM

    NEEL KASHKARI IS A BLOODY WALLAH
    HEY NEEL: FETCH ME SOME CHAI, WALLAH

  4. 4
    Posted by RonBurgundy | December 12, 2008 at 10:19 AM

    Madoff should do the honorable thing and commit suicide – either jump out of window or put a revolver to his temple and pull the trigger.
    If he’s got any of Guiliani’s guinea mobster buddies in his fund, he’s going to turn up dead with his dick cut off and stuffed in his mouth

  5. 5
    Posted by guest | December 12, 2008 at 10:47 AM

    Excellent, EP.

  6. 6
    Posted by guest | December 12, 2008 at 10:58 AM

    STOP SNITCHING BITCHES. IF MY KIDS RATTED ME OUT TO THE POPO I WOULD SEE THEM IN DEY HOMES!

  7. 7
    Posted by guest | December 12, 2008 at 11:06 AM

    Superb @4

  8. 8
    Posted by guest | December 12, 2008 at 11:10 AM

    I was getting a little bored of the lack of funny on Dealbreaker lately, but this made me fall in love with the site all over again.

  9. 9
    Posted by guest | December 12, 2008 at 11:55 AM

    Who else believes the kids were in on it? The father, since he was going to give himself up anyway, told the kids to do it so they can pretend they didn’t know anything about it.

  10. 10
    Posted by MarshallStack | December 12, 2008 at 12:05 PM

    @10
    No shit.
    Wait until Bernie is offered a deal to roll on them.

  11. 11
    Posted by MarshallStack | December 12, 2008 at 12:20 PM

    BTW – EP – the quote from King Lear is “How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child”.

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