In the topsy-turvy world of contrite investment apology, split-second recognition of the language in a "Dear Investor" letter bearing bad tidings can mean the difference between slow malingering death in the face of debilitating investor lockups, or a quick escape to the islands where you will also conveniently avoid the jealous rage of your (former) fellow limiteds (and the phrase "fraudulent transfer").
To sharpen your skills, and now that 2008 is drawing to a close, we bring you this DealBreaker quiz on the top ranking Dear Investor letter prose for the year. Match the prose to the firm and the world will be your oyster (in this case "world" is substituted for "present" and "oyster" is exchanged with "Attractive DealBreaker 'don't short me bro!' mug."
1 |
"There may be residual assets in Madoff to be distributed or, alternatively, there may be no assets." |
A |
Cerberus | |
2 |
"We would like to think that you will remember the returns that we have delivered in the past...." | B |
Citadel | |
3 |
"For most of the past 3 1/2 hears we have felt good about the job we have done in delivering returns...." | C |
Fairfield Sentry | |
4 |
"We believe ... the steel industry will earn more than the public generally believes in 2009 and 2010." | D |
Highbridge | |
5 |
"Of course we are totally biased, but we believe that if we continue to get the support from investors as we always have had, we will fall into this category." | E |
Ladhe Capital | |
6 |
"This represents a month-to-date net decrease of -9.44% from the final October 31, 2008 net asset value per share of US$649.64 and a year-to-date net return of -43.66%." | F |
Tontine Associates | |
7 |
"The low hanging fruit, i.e. idiots whose parents paid for prep school, Yale, and then the Harvard MBA, was there for the taking." | G |
Tontine Associates | |
8 |
"We recognize how a suspension impacts our investors, especially those with current financial obligations of their own to meet." | H |
Tosca Fund (Link Removed) | |
9 |
This conference call may not be recorded, rebroadcast or transcribed without the expressed, written consent of [firm]. | I |
TPG-Axon Capital | |
10 |
"We do strongly urge all of you to please keep our communications confidential; it is not in the fund's nor our joint interest to have details widely leaked to the outside world, particularly in a dangerous environment." | J |
TPG-Axon Capital |
Ready? Go!
Posted by guest , Dec 29, 2008 3:12PM
they are all fungible.
Posted by guest , Dec 29, 2008 3:16PM
Trick question. The answer is "#7 was in all of them."
Posted by guest , Dec 29, 2008 3:32PM
1-c
2-H
3-D
4-I
5-I
6-H
7-E
8-A
9-B
10-J
Posted by guest , Dec 29, 2008 3:34PM
no AQR, didn't read
Posted by guest , Dec 29, 2008 3:42PM
For a good laugh read the letter Marty Slim Whitman Sampler sent to the Turd Avenue Value Investors.
He blames to stoopid market for his fund being down. The fact that he doubled down on financials had nothing to do with the net asset value of his fund going to hell.
Poor guy should be eating creamed corn and watching Matlock reruns on TBS instead of losing your retirement funds.
The moral of the story is never invest with a firm located on Third Avenue or with a 70 to 81 year old fund manager. Long term to them is the next meal, unlike most of us that have years before we can retire.
Posted by guest , Dec 29, 2008 4:07PM
Yea, he is just a bunch on mumbling laughs with OPM.
Posted by guest , Dec 29, 2008 4:32PM
#2 was the Wideclops, I know that much.
Posted by guest , Dec 29, 2008 5:12PM
Are the stats out yet??? Jesus, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times: The only driver of the price of Henry Hub natural gas is the year-on-year storage comparison!! Hey!!! Put the Weather Channel back on you basis bastards!!
~The Oldest Natural Gas Trader
Posted by guest , Dec 29, 2008 7:26PM
Dangerous environs. LOL.
Where is Magnetar in this list?
Posted by VOL IS KING , Dec 29, 2008 8:19PM
hey can we set up an depot for hedge fund investor letters. A central indexed location where everyone can upload and download freely.
Posted by VOL IS KING , Dec 29, 2008 9:09PM
those dirty dogs
GMAC gets $5bn injection from US Treasury
By Nicole Bullock and Henny Sender
The US Treasury department on Monday night said it would buy $5bn in senior preferred equity from GMAC, the financial services group that is critical to General Motors turnaround.
http://www.ft.com/cms/s/0/0b285120-d5d8-11dd-a9cc-000077b07658.html
Posted by guest , Dec 30, 2008 3:28AM
This thread is gold.
"The worst of the impact of the financial markets is behind us."
- Dick Fuld, April 15th annual meeting
Posted by guest , Dec 30, 2008 10:38AM
Andrew Lahde suffers from Ivy envy.
Posted by guest , Dec 30, 2008 12:29PM
Lahde handed you your ass. The guy is brilliant.
Posted by guest , Dec 31, 2008 3:34AM
Oh, come on. Lahde's comment was a direct reference to the current CEO of the USA.
As such, it was low-hanging fruit.