When we heard SEC chairman Chris Cox was going to be holding a press conference with regard to the minor accounting issues at Madoff Investment Securities LLC, our first thought was: resignation. Not 'cause he hasn't been doing a bang-up job at the joint, which he definitely has. Just for, you know the drama. His response to the following question changed our minds. We need the uber-phallically named Chris to stay for the entertainment value inherent in watching a man mix so many metaphors and still fail to come up with anything resembling something that makes sense.
Reporter: "Can investors be confident that there aren't any other Madoff schemes out there in operation?"
Things that would've been preferable to the words that actually exited Cox's mouth:
1. "Yes."
2. "No."
3. "Everyone should flee the market, do panic. Do not make an orderly line for the exits. Do trample over the old ladies in the back row on your way out. And when you leave, set fire to nearby buildings. It's all over, bitches!"
What he actually said:
"We say that a rising tide lifts all boats. When the economic tide goes out, some of the skeletons that wash up on shore are Ponzi schemes such as this one. So one of the ways that these things are unhappily discovered is the roof falls in because of market conditions. "
Also:
"The reason for this review is to make sure we're upholding the traditionally very high standards of the SEC."
Posted by HeadlessHorseman , Dec 17, 2008 1:52PM
Prior to posting your comments, I'd like everyone to keep in mind that he may very well have a learning disability of some sort.
Posted by guest , Dec 17, 2008 1:52PM
A Classic!!! The SEC has been neutered by the Investment Banks and their Congressional Whores that they keep on tight leashes....Sad crap...
Posted by guest , Dec 17, 2008 1:53PM
also loved the bit of how proud he was of all his "professionals" for doing such an "exceptional" job
Posted by guest , Dec 17, 2008 1:53PM
L
Posted by Lowly Assistant , Dec 17, 2008 1:53PM
I can't wait for the SEC to increase their budget for "improvement."
And what's with the pirate/skeleton reference? Didn't O^3 perfect this shit with some T&A?
Posted by guest , Dec 17, 2008 1:54PM
no way! Well, I guess I shouldn't be shocked.
Posted by guest , Dec 17, 2008 1:55PM
Coxknocker should have saved the poetry about boats, tides, skeletons. Answer # 3 is the correct one.
SEC=
Sorry-assed
Economic
Commentators
Posted by guest , Dec 17, 2008 1:57PM
I will hang up my keyboard and retire to the South of France immediately. No-one can compete with that silver-tongued devil.
TED
Posted by guest , Dec 17, 2008 1:58PM
keep on knocking the SEC, the next time they visit your employer (if you have one) it will not be one of those no-deficiency letter audits. they will be coming in guns blazing with a mandate to find something. shit rolls downhill.
Posted by miami , Dec 17, 2008 1:58PM
trammel != trample
Posted by HeadlessHorseman , Dec 17, 2008 1:59PM
So the SEC's strategy for identifying such schemes is esentially to wait until they expose themselves by way of increased redemptions against a given fund's bank accounts? Brilliant.
I feel much better knowing that CC is on the job...diligently waiting for the market to tank, thereby exposing unscrupulous firms that warrant prosecution.
Posted by Lowly Assistant , Dec 17, 2008 2:01PM
9,
You mean they'll finally be constructive?
Posted by guest , Dec 17, 2008 2:02PM
@9 LOL, I never though I'd see the day Mark Cuban was commenting on Dealbreaker
Posted by HeadlessHorseman , Dec 17, 2008 2:04PM
@9
The SEC isn't that proactive. They tend to favor the "wait and see" approach as implied Cox's comment
Posted by VOL IS KING , Dec 17, 2008 2:05PM
Funny thing is he's right. The whole market is a Ponzi scheme. Trying to get the Ponzi scheme out of the market, is like trying to get the guido out of Jersey. You could do it, but then there would be nothing left.
Posted by guest , Dec 17, 2008 2:09PM
Vol Is King is absolutely correct.
Posted by guest , Dec 17, 2008 2:09PM
@9 Not a chance! I gave the SEC major dirt on a major bank along with subpoena instructions and offered an affadavit. They haven't done crap, and never will. Schumer will see to it that Cox and his "professionals" are put in a box to never see the light of day.
The person who needs to worry is some piddly ass broker who forgot to dot an "." or cross a "t". HE'LL got to prison, get fined up the Whazoo and Linda Thompsen will be trumpeting his travails to the world.....as a sign that the SEC is doing something.....
Posted by guest , Dec 17, 2008 2:18PM
US House to investigate SEC over Madoff scandal.
Get out your popcorn: this is getting entertaining!
Posted by guest , Dec 17, 2008 2:19PM
So I guess all Hedge funds are ponsi schemes according to the SEC, if they fail then there is some type of fraud going on?
Must be all the creative financing that is giving them trouble, so lets do the wait and see.
This is exactly what the Fed and Hoover did back in 1929.
Do nothing while evil men steal from rich old ladies on wall street.
Thats like saying if Wall Street collapses its a ponzi scheme. What a joke.
Posted by guest , Dec 17, 2008 2:20PM
HA!!! Another funny post. Not as good as the drunk in the store (that will be hard to top) but this was funny.
Posted by Clown Capital , Dec 17, 2008 2:21PM
What the fuck is up with these Harvard educated idiots!? Will someone please tell me why we keep putting them in charge of ANYTHING???
Posted by NAS Keflavik boi , Dec 17, 2008 2:28PM
What.
The.
F@#k.
Posted by diablo , Dec 17, 2008 2:36PM
The alleged self-investigation will require many paper shredders. Can the FBI get involved and get a US court to issue an injunction to stop this show?
And Cox has just made an important contribution to the muddled metaphor index. So sad that the creator of the index is no longer with us to witness it.
Posted by guest , Dec 17, 2008 3:17PM
@23 No sadly the FBI can't do shit either. They answer to Schumer too!
Look, everyone who matters knows exactly where the corruption is and the associated evidence....plenty to convict. But this is 1920s Chicago and the investment banks are Capone. No one wants to go up against Capone and anyone who tries gets killed off....Ask Gary Aguirre to weigh in on my theory....
Posted by guest , Dec 17, 2008 3:18PM
@23 No sadly the FBI can't do shit either. They answer to Schumer too!
Look, everyone who matters knows exactly where the corruption is and the associated evidence....plenty to convict. But this is 1920s Chicago and the investment banks are Capone. No one wants to go up against Capone and anyone who tries gets killed off....Ask Gary Aguirre to weigh in on my theory....
Posted by NotNasser , Dec 17, 2008 3:18PM
The Roman legions marched on their stomach. Likewise, the Potomac crabs clearly crawl through beaches at low tide looking for buzzwords like shards of glass in the sand that has never passed through the hourglass of time.
Posted by guest , Dec 17, 2008 3:31PM
@17 - you got that shit right. I started a hedge fund that never even raised any money - no complaints, no losses, nothing. Claimed that was only because they "caught me in time". 2001 time frame. 15 yrs in the biz never a single customer complaint. SEC fined me and barred me for LIFE. WTF. They all BLOW. Complete and utter incompetence.
Posted by guest , Dec 17, 2008 3:31PM
Nice dentures you dipshit
Posted by guest , Dec 17, 2008 3:34PM
@24/25 - Thanks for the tip. That is scary to consider what that means. Damn.
I hope Hollywood catches on because there are some great movie plots. I mean, they'll totally ruin them, but at least one or two good movies should come out of all of this. Especially the Aguirre situation, that one could be great. Maybe Kevin Spacey as Aguirre?
Posted by guest , Dec 17, 2008 3:37PM
what a douchebag. He was good at catching sort of funny presumed spies when he was a congress man
with the Cox report and all.
Now he SHOULD be able to figure where Bernie is hiding the MONIES! really! A madeoff cox report. LOL
Posted by guest , Dec 17, 2008 3:38PM
Legally, does Cox admitting the SEC missed the boat hurt or help the eventual court case against Madoff?
Posted by guest , Dec 17, 2008 3:42PM
dat boy got him some teef!
Posted by VOL IS KING , Dec 17, 2008 4:01PM
@24/25:
Are you on crack or did I miss something about Capone shooting himself in the foot with his own home made gun?
The i-banks can't help but accidentally put themselves out of business. Though I guess capone did become too "successful" for his own good as well. Anyway, now that the banks are infected with syphilis from whoring in the sub-prime market, they'll be put out to pasture soon enough.
Posted by HeadlessHorseman , Dec 17, 2008 4:05PM
@31
Neither. It will be unrelated to the sucess (or lack thereof) of the persumed prosecution. Besides, Madoff has explicitly admitted that the whole thing was a Ponzi scheme if the news reports are to be believed.
The fun part will be figuring out where the money went (or still is as the case will more likely be). Michael Jackson, M.C. Hammer, Daryl Strawberry and Mike Tyson collectively couldn't piss away anything close $50 billion over their cumulative "careers" and they were spending money on Amusement parks, plastic surgery, bribing kid's parents for sleep over priveleges, numerous ridiculous houses and vehicles, pet tigers, air planes, whores, hard drugs, settling lawsuits and etcetera. Relative to their shining examples, Madoff kept a pretty low profile.
Posted by guest , Dec 17, 2008 4:27PM
@34 - I think this has been stated elsewhere, but he didn't actually lose $50 billion in cash. A great deal of that number was composed of false gains, unrealized "market" gains. If you are telling every investor that they gained 10-15% every year, that shit adds up quick. I believe someone speculated elsewhere that he only Madoff with like $8 billion in cash, which is still a shit load, but not $50 billion. And with Dow Jones down 40% in the last 12 months, it's not a stretch to see that he made some bad trades.
Posted by Anal_yst , Dec 17, 2008 4:30PM
Also, if this weren't completely obvious (although lost on MSM none-the-less), more likely the $ was lost trading than blown on anything fun like the Tyson's and Strawberrys of the world have done previously.
Posted by VOL IS KING , Dec 17, 2008 4:49PM
@ Analyst:
THERE IS NO $50bn! this is so stupid. Madoff never actually go his hands on $50bn, $50bn is just what he told people their accounts had grown too. He didn't actually steal $50bn.
Honestly what he did is no different that what any of these funds marking to model are doing. Markup your assets 10% a year based on some theoretical model. Then when the market tanks lose everything at once. Bernie should have baked in a jump diffusion pricing model somewhere in his "model" then he could just claim the market was being irrational and his fundamentals were still sound like Citadel. He definitely wouldn't be looking a jail time.
Hey if he'd made his equations dense enough he could have convinced himself it wasn't a ponzi scheme, like Kenny G.
Posted by HeadlessHorseman , Dec 17, 2008 5:22PM
@35 & 36
I stand corrected. Not one of my finer posts.
Posted by guest , Dec 17, 2008 5:22PM
HAHAHAHAHAHAH
Posted by guest , Dec 17, 2008 5:32PM
So the actual losses really are what has been paid into the fund? Sounds like they would be in the same boat if they'd given the $$ to Citadel.
Posted by guest , Dec 17, 2008 6:10PM
@26 HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by guest , Dec 17, 2008 6:14PM
Perhaps Mr. Cox ought to check out the other SEC's Principles of Compliance and Enforcement:
The primary responsibility for rules compliance rests with the chief executive officer, athletics director, compliance coordinator and each sport's head coach.
All individuals affiliated with the program, including faculty, staff, students, alumni and fans, share responsibility for compliance with SEC and NCAA rules.
Every institution in the SEC must have detailed written procedures in place to protect the integrity of its athletics program.
Posted by guest , Dec 17, 2008 6:18PM
@38 - No problem, glad I could clear that up for you. Good to see at least one or two civil exchanges in here :)
Posted by guest , Dec 17, 2008 6:19PM
SEC is dead, baby, SEC is dead... (from Pulp Fiction)
Posted by guest , Dec 17, 2008 6:35PM
A career in journalism is out. Say, I like this .com! How much?
Posted by guest , Dec 17, 2008 7:03PM
"In the past, when liberalism had resolved the crisis and restored tranquillity, conservatism has recovered power by the laws of political gravity; then it makes a new botch of things, and liberalism again must take over in the name of the nation." -- Arthur M. Schlesinger, Jr.
Posted by guest , Dec 17, 2008 7:07PM
English, motherf*cker! Do you speak it! (pulp fiction)
Posted by NotNasser , Dec 17, 2008 7:09PM
#46, Schlesinger was a doofus.
Liberalism and conservatism in the sense of each term he appears to have had in mind have had more in common than he (or they) generally understand and share responsibility for the periodic botches.
It is sort of like the "good cop" and the "bad cop." It may feel nicer when the good cop is in the room with you, but you as a suspect in this scenario should NOT delude yourself into thinking that they are really at odds with one another.
They are both really at odds with your freedom. Remember that, now and always.
Posted by guest , Dec 17, 2008 8:06PM
My fav part was when they asked him about his transition plan and he quickly pointed out how he announced his retirement a few back. Sees ya, hate to be ya.
Posted by guest , Dec 17, 2008 8:06PM
@3
Kinda like Dubya telling Brownie great job during the Katrina fiasca! What's changed during this administration?
Posted by guest , Dec 17, 2008 8:07PM
In the past, I have commented extensively on how understaffed and ineffective the SEC is. It has something to do with Chris Cox and his boss's belief that financial markets shouldn't be regulated by laws that might send someone to jail.
Chris Cox showing up, wringing his hands, and ordering an investigation is like Claude Rains blowing a whistle and announcing that he was "shocked, shocked" that gambling was going on at Rick's in Casablanca.
Posted by guest , Dec 18, 2008 12:02AM
Let's see someone ask him some really tough questoins... Mr. Cox, where did you get those teeth? Why do you look suspiciously like a Muppet?
Posted by guest , Dec 18, 2008 9:10AM
Too Capped Teeth; Didn't Read
Posted by guest , Dec 18, 2008 11:09AM
Not that unreasonable really: When the tide goes out you can see who wasn't wearing a bathing suit. Sometimes it takes a drought.
Posted by guest , Dec 18, 2008 11:10AM
Not that unreasonable really: When the tide goes out you can see who wasn't wearing a bathing suit. Sometimes it takes a drought.
Posted by guest , Dec 18, 2008 7:08PM
cocksucker mixes metawhores