Attention, Bank of Amerrillwide shareholders and employees: I know you're probably all pretty prettay prettay down in the dumps right now but redirect your anger my friends, because Ken Lewis et al. are in no way to blame. In fact, no one really is. When you think about it, Bank of Amerillwide is a lot like a farm. You can work your damn hardest, and then some bad luck, or weather, could come along and wipe our all your great effort. I guess in this scenario, Countrywide would be, hmm, what, a stray horse that came along and shat in the mouth our crops and Merrill as...as what? Hmm? How about "the radioactive fallout of plutonium assets, drifting gently down to impregnate the soil with its poison"? Would that work?
For those of you wondering WTF I'm talking about, after the jump, an email sent from Chief Administrative Officer, Lewis right-hand man, and recently-subpoenaed Steele Alphin to a shareholder this morning, in response to said shareholder's expression of disappointment in BAC, of late.
From: steele.alphin@bankofamerica.com
Date: January 28, 2009 8:35:16 AM PST
To: [redacted]
Subject: RE: Longtime Shareholder
[Redacted]:
I enjoyed reading your email yesterday and have reflected on it and thought I would send you a quick note back. My grandfather and father lived and grew up in the Tidewater region of Virginia, specifically in Waverly and Windsor. My grandfather farmed, logged, raised horses, sold produce, opened a hardware and feed store and had many other interests. Never a rich man, but a principled and respected man. At one point, he was even the mayor of Windsor. He also had a drive-in theatre for local entertainment. My father farmed his entire life until his death. I am very familiar with hard work and great efforts that could be lost with a hurricane or rainy season as we grew peanuts and corn during my youth. I have seen the finest crop never harvested because of weather. Even in those times though, we replanted in the spring, looked for better weather and did our best to keep the weeds and grass out of our crops.
I have been part of Bank of America for 32 years and sometimes draw my views about this industry from my childhood on the farm - that your best efforts can be lost unexpectedly and for no particular reason but that you are always better served to look forward and keep your business in order, pay your bills and have a good team to build for the future.
I appreciate your long-term support of our company and I share in your disappointment at this point, but I am committed to help this company grow and reward our shareholders in the future. As what to do with your investment funds in the future, I can only advise to study what you think would be best for you and your family, seek good advice and then make a decision that you are comfortable with.
Again, thank you for your note. It brings back many memories of my youth.
S
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 1:47PM
Shame, wow.
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 1:50PM
Don't you mean "Lycans Firm to..."
Posted by lehaigbsc , Jan 28, 2009 1:54PM
Seriously no wonder Thain was able to totally fleece these dingleberries.
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 1:56PM
Chance the Gardener?
Posted by lehaigbsc , Jan 28, 2009 1:59PM
http://ballhype.com/video/video_fiesta_bowl_s_berry_dingle_w_commentary_by_matt/
aka Ken Lewis and Steele Alphin
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 2:01PM
@2
well played
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 2:04PM
nice tupe
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 2:04PM
Somebody clue Forrest Gump here to the fact that today's farmers can engage in risk-management techniques to mitigate adverse effects of unfavorable weather through prudent use of forward contracts.
Apparently this hayseed's approach is to hit the barstool at 4 PM, knock back scotches with the boss, and hope "things don't happen."
Short BAC and the South in general.
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 2:06PM
Classic Tag.
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 2:06PM
A smart farmer woud have prepared for the weather disruption with weather derivatives. The dumb farmer works at bank of purchases bad plow horse and then months later purchases another bum plow horse then blames the guy that sold it to him and when the horse dies has to ask the locals for more money to make more dumb decisions. I get it ..you are insulting your workers and shareholders.
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 2:07PM
Is there a copy of the shareholders letter to Steele?
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 2:10PM
With a lil' mo dung he can turn that thar crop inna gold.
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 2:10PM
@8,
If only you would send down some of those fancy Ivory League guys down here to help us out....since they are doing such a good job at those big city NY banks.
STFU douche.
Posted by CapitolCapital , Jan 28, 2009 2:12PM
being that they just f'd their employees, I hope he didn't raise sheep.
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 2:13PM
Bess,
Your mother must be so proud of you.
Love,
Weary Willie.
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 2:14PM
@8
why don't the farmers just transform into wearwolf form and take the funds directly from the TARP?
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 2:15PM
@15- yes, this should be about shaming bess and not, you know, the brain trust running bac into the ground.
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 2:16PM
@13
great job representing the intelligence of the south... you sure showed them in that ivy tower of theirs. I'm sure your sister/wife was impressed
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 2:16PM
Nice picture. Is he the geetar playing kid from Deliverance all growed up? Those southern boys all have a bit of that retard gene in them. I guess it happens when you marry blood relatives for generations.
This river don't go to Antree.
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 2:16PM
I live in the South and wholeheartedly support @8's short recommendation -- on both counts. And no, I'm not a transplant.
Lighten up @13.
Posted by Anal_yst , Jan 28, 2009 2:17PM
Perhaps if he wasn't wasting time reminscing about his "youth" and writing ridiculous emails to shareholders waxing poeting about it, then he wouldn't have the need to do so in the 1st place, just sayin...
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 2:17PM
13 - ivory or ivy?
Glad you're putting that Duke education to work..
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 2:20PM
Letter Translation: I got cornholed by my dad on a farm as a youth, so tough crap on the 100K shares you own. Go get yourself a sheep toughguy.
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 2:21PM
@21 Seriously The Charlotte office must must be like a nursing home.
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 2:22PM
Too poor a sow, didn't reap what I expected.
Posted by Clown Capital , Jan 28, 2009 2:28PM
3 Clues that Ken Lewis was bound to fuck up:
Clue #1 - He is a graduate of GEORGIA STATE UNIVERSITY.
Clue #2 - He is a graduate of the EXECUTIVE PROGRAM at Stanford University.
Clue #3 - He was born in Mississippi.
BofA, you brought it on yo'selves...
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 2:29PM
The South rocks, that's why so many stupid Yankees move down here.
Posted by girl , Jan 28, 2009 2:29PM
It's like a college essay about your dad being your hero gone terribly awry
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 2:44PM
Geez - you guys are brutal. Believe it or not, not everyone tied to Wall Street (or BAC for that matter) is an idiot and a thief. I seriously doubt the HR Executive for BAC should be thrown to the wolves for their impact to the credit crisis. I know it's all in fun, but ease up just a bit.
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 2:49PM
@29- he is not the HR EXECUTIVE, 'tard. He is Ken Lewis's right-hand guy, chief admin officer, instrumental in mer bonuses, and being called on by andy cuomo.
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 2:50PM
29, you're right.
sort of.
the big bosses are all thieves. more specifically, they dodn't understanf their businesses.
that's the real culprit here.
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 2:54PM
Watch Green Acres reruns...this all will make sense
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 2:56PM
@30... ok, sorry he is the Exec for HR, Marketing, Corporate Affairs and Aviation. Wow. He's very influential. No matter what the press says, he is no #2. He may be KL's right hand man, b/c he's more of an administrative executive. Hardly a #2, TARD. The only thing instrumental about ML bonuses, was the cash vs stock breakout, which was to keep in line with BAC standards. They didn't and couldn't legally dictate whether bonuses were given. Don't blame someone like Steele Alphin for a ML decision. If you want to attack BAC executives, there is a laundry list you can choose from. I laugh that Alphin is the one you choose to single out. You need to spend more time on Monster.com trying to find a job, TARD.
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 2:59PM
I still have not figured out why any post about BofA or WB turns into a circle jerk about how stupid Southerners are.
Nobody is rushing to rip NYC a new one for, oh I don't know:
Bear Stearns
Lehman
Citi
ML
Glass houses, dumbasses.
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 3:01PM
interesting @33. tell me then, why was he the first (and thus far only) BAC executive to be subpoenaed for info by cuomo if he's just some assistant?
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 3:06PM
@34...if I may....
Everyone on Wall St now feels like crap. The only thing that helps in those hopeless times is crapping on people that you think are worse than you. Hence the seemingly tone-deaf grenades being lobbed at our brethren from below the mason-dixon line.
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 3:08PM
Bess,
If a horse shat on crops, that would be manure...the lifeblood of crops. How about countrywide is more analogous to a boll weevil.
- cotton eye joe
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 3:10PM
@34 - I agree. It's like the Yankees talking trash about the Red Sox. Since we seem to suck, we like to talk trash about others who seem to be better off. We can always find fault. Don't take offense.
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 3:11PM
@35
Ever hear of Kabuki theater? Possibly Cuomo wants to be seen as doing something by the sheeple but doesn't want to complicate a situation that is already so far above his comprehension it is scary?
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 3:15PM
@39,
Is that where a bunch of dude's shoot off in a chicks face?
@18,
i.will.cut.you.
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 3:15PM
@39- wtf are you even talking about? cuomo "doesn't want to complicate a situation"? no. i'm no cuomo fan, but he goes after the people who believes played a role. whether or not alphin did something wrong, he is an ESSENTIAL piece of the bac puzzle.
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 3:22PM
Holy Freakin Toupe, Batman!
Could this guy look more ridiculous? I mean he says stupid stuff, sure, but would you expect a dildo like this to say anything but?
The stock should fall 5 points just on this guys appearance.
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 3:23PM
@40
What are you going to cut me with?? your internet cord? This is a comment board genius.. does a lot of good to threaten someone who you will never see
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 3:23PM
@41 - http://www.entertonement.com/clips/14895/Step-Brothers/Will-Ferrell/Brennan-Huff/Shut-Shut-Shut-Your-Mouth
Posted by Clown Capital , Jan 28, 2009 3:24PM
@40
That would be known as a "bukkake".
Kind of like what happened hours ago to the BAC capital markets team by Ken Lewis and Co.
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 3:29PM
Lighten up 43....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZkdcYlOn5M
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 3:31PM
Jesusssss--all this over a canned email--they've got that sucker set on auto reply and 100k plus have been sent out (and counting) to "longtime shareholders" with auto insertion of their names to make them feel special.
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 3:31PM
3:00 EST News Release
BAC adds 3 Merrill directors to its Board
Obligatory welcoming quote from CEO Lewis.
Does this mean Lewis dodged a bullet at the board meeting?
http://newsroom.bankofamerica.com/index.php?s=press_releases&item=8343
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 3:31PM
@40 - http://www.entertonement.com/clips/14895/Step-Brothers/Will-Ferrell/Brennan-Huff/Shut-Shut-Shut-Your-Mouth was intended for you.
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 3:39PM
@48 - there was no bullet coming towards KL. It was simply a slingshot pellet fired by the same guy saying Steele Alphin is the #2 at BAC. Weak.
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 3:43PM
@47- wrong. try again.
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 3:46PM
Tell it to Hugh McColl... he'll take his gold plated cowbell and whip every single one of you.
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 3:54PM
Typical Southern D-Bag, thinking that he is hot shit cause his graddaddy and daddy owned 80% of a town of 2100+ people. Yet again the southern culture proves it has no perspective. A guy like this does not belong in big buisness, needs to go back to Sussex co. Va and revived the small town hardware store with a AMEX Plum card. Best of luck in the colliseum vs Cuomo the gladiator.
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 3:56PM
Typical Southern D-Bag, thinking that he is hot shit cause his graddaddy and daddy owned 80% of a town of 2100+ people. Yet again the southern culture proves it has no perspective. A guy like this does not belong in big buisness, needs to go back to Sussex co. Va and revived the small town hardware store with a AMEX Plum card. Best of luck in the colliseum vs Cuomo the gladiator.
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 3:58PM
Typical Southern D-Bag, thinking that he is hot shit cause his granddaddy and daddy owned 80% of a town of 2100+ people. Yet again the southern culture proves it has no perspective. A guy like this does not belong in big business, needs to go back to Sussex co. VA and revived the small town hardware store with an AMEX Plum card. Best of luck in the coliseum vs. Cuomo the gladiator.
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 4:01PM
@53/54 *snap*
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 4:05PM
Main Intersection, Waverly, Virginia
http://maps.google.com/maps?q=Waverly+virginia&oe=utf-8&client=firefox-a&ie=UTF8&split=0&gl=us&ll=37.035995,-77.092438&spn=0.41054,0.773163&z=11&iwloc=addr&layer=c&cbll=37.036339,-77.092749&panoid=DFpQj1noO9IhmgjO8rF9IQ&cbp=12,313.0817051509772,,0,-1.3143872113676833
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 4:07PM
Cuomo is a nitwit. And FYI - don't "snap" your own comment, TARD.
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 4:11PM
@52 Huge only hands out crystal hand grenades. Fat lot you know.
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 4:12PM
@59 - go ahead and submit the same comment four more times, please.
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 4:16PM
@55/59/61 *snap* x2. This whole internet thing is really nifty. I think it will catch on, so you may want to learn more.
(I'll add 63/67/70 in anticipation)
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 4:17PM
Ken Lewis=Old Yeller
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 4:20PM
Bess - your queuing logic is impeccable. LMAO
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 4:50PM
cooking the books is now referred to as "farming"? someone please clear up my confusion. thanks.
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 4:54PM
Typical Southern D-Bag, thinking that he is hot shit cause his granddaddy and daddy owned 80% of a town of 2100+ people. Yet again the southern culture proves it has no perspective. A guy like this does not belong in big business, needs to go back to Sussex co. VA and revived the small town hardware store with an AMEX Plum card. Best of luck in the coliseum vs. Cuomo the gladiator.
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 5:41PM
Southerners only talk slow. Most of them are actually quite bright.
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 6:48PM
53/54/55/65 et al.- Let's do a thought experiment: If a town of 2100 residents has 700 buildings, and you own 80% of them, and they are worth an average of, let's say conservatively, $50,000 apiece, you have a real estate holding worth $28 million. Not enough for the Forbes 400, but almost certainly more than you have.
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 8:36PM
Ken celebrated not getting fired today by giving Steele a Monroe Transfer
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 8:56PM
From: steele.alphin@bankofamerica.com
Date: January 28, 2009 12:22:55 PM PST
To: [redacted]
Subject: RE: Longtime Shareholder ( quick follow-up)
Hadn't thought of it in a while, but something about your letter brought to mind the time Mr. Haney sold my father 400 acres of prime farmland that turned out to be swampland. Can you believe we had to sell off most of the farm and my parents had to take up full time jobs just to get out of that hornswaggle? Oh golly, was that Haney ever a character. Good times, thanks again for the note.
S
Posted by guest , Jan 28, 2009 10:48PM
Lewis continually expresses his sympathy for the s/holders. Too late my friend. He really does not know what he is doing
Posted by merkin capital partners , Jan 29, 2009 12:22AM
It is pretty terrible down here with all the beautiful women, warm weather, low taxes, and cheap property. Get me on a train to the concrete jungle as soon as possible brah...ill hit the gym and the tanning salon en route. It's been far too long since I've seen a girl with a unibrow or heard people arguing in Russian.
And, like Florida, only yankees and residents think North Carolina is the South. Ambrose Burnside and the geographic representation of Duke/UNC screwed it up for them.
Posted by guest , Jan 29, 2009 2:47AM
NO SHIT WERE ARE ALL THE WONDERFUL TOLL BOOTHS. I HATE HAVING CLEAN AIR AND GREAT FRESH PRODUCE ALL YEAR. I MISS THE CRACK HEADS AND HOT DOG STANDS. IF ONLY THERE WERE A NEIGHBORING STATE LIKE N.J. TO SPEND MY WEEKENDS.
SOON BANKERS IN N.Y. WILL BE JUMPING FROM THE ROOF TOPS WISHING THEY WORKED FOR BOFA.
STILL THERE ALL SCREWED.
SHIT I HAVE TO GO HELP MY NEW NEIGHBOR MOVE IN. HE IS FROM N.Y.
Posted by merkin capital partners , Jan 29, 2009 8:34AM
72 types like my grandmother
Posted by guest , Jan 29, 2009 10:31AM
+4 Waverly is peanut-fed hog country (I go through now on the way to the beach). So Mr. Alphin surely knows firsthand that pigs get slaughtered. I bet now he knows the old Wall St. adage about bulls, bears and pigs...
Posted by guest , Jan 29, 2009 1:27PM
The south/north discussion going on here is hilariously retarded. Most of you cunts' relatives weren't even in the US at the time of the civil war, and here you are anyway, bitching about it 160 years later. You can talk all you want about grandaddy south owning 80% of a town of 2100 with no perspective, but the entire reason you are here is because your ancestors got sick of spending 20 generations shoveling horse shit for the local noble. Talk about perspective.