As mentioned a while back, a whole bunch of previously mostly worthless Madoff-branded chotchkes are in the process of making bank on e-Bay, cause of the whole scandal sitch. There's lots of great stuff to choose from, including a sweet fleece vest, for the person in your life who loves being cloaked in irony, a "rare" orange golf hat, beach towels, old Christmas cards and a badass humidor. Today our attention was directed toward an item that actually serves a bit a purpose, sort of, if you don't know how navigate the New York subways or find yourself in the dark.
That's right, I'm talkin' about the MADF Emergency Response Kit. Inside you'll find bus and subway maps, air filter masks, a whistle, various first aid items, wipes, an emergency blanket, a glow stick, a water pack and "some other small items" most likely including "ass tourniquet" (I kid-- that's in the Investor Emergency Response Kit). Also! On the back, a number to call in case you're in trouble (718-533-2350). We tried it just now, and apparently Mades and Co. still kinda have your back.
According to the lady on the tape, "In the event of a disaster that precludes Madoff employees from working outside of the New York City main office at 885 Third Avenue, please report to the disaster recovery office in the corporate center at 75-20 Astoria Boulevard." I don't know if this counts as a "disaster," per se, but give it a shot?
Posted by guest , Jan 06, 2009 11:34AM
The irony. Getting mugged on the subway wearing and carrying Made-Off gear.
Posted by guest , Jan 06, 2009 11:38AM
Haha, great post! I know just the frenemy I'm going to give this kit to...
Hey, off topic: weren't Goldman bonuses announced last week? Any news on what they were?
Posted by guest , Jan 06, 2009 11:39AM
WTF is the emergency blanket for? I also don't see any bonefish or fishing gear in the pack.
Posted by guest , Jan 06, 2009 11:40AM
You people should work in the south. You wont get lost in Austin TX, Charlotte NC, Atlanta GA, Richmond VA, nor Charlston SC.
Posted by guest , Jan 06, 2009 11:41AM
@2- uh, they were announced a few wks ago, and were discussed here.
Posted by guest , Jan 06, 2009 11:41AM
no "I invested with Bernie and all I got was this T-Shirt" ??
Posted by guest , Jan 06, 2009 11:42AM
@6- these are actual madoff items, not lame t's people are making.
Posted by guest , Jan 06, 2009 11:45AM
@5, all i could find was http://dealbreaker.com/2008/08/summer-house-lit-slate.php. anything i'm missing?
Posted by guest , Jan 06, 2009 11:47AM
@2
@1 here. "frenemy" that's great. Since joining finance I've made lots of those. I'll use the term more often in polite company.
Having been mugged with Made-Off swag would bystanders or (shudder) the NYPD have any sympathy?
Posted by guest , Jan 06, 2009 11:47AM
@8- that's cause you apparently suck at using a search function?
Posted by guest , Jan 06, 2009 11:48AM
If you cant make it to work, please report to ASTORIA - safest place in the USA
Posted by guest , Jan 06, 2009 11:49AM
How about a pool on when this guy disappears or pulls a Merckle de la Villehuchet
Posted by guest , Jan 06, 2009 11:50AM
@10 - i probably do suck at that, i typed in goldman bonus and that's the most recent link i got about them.
Posted by guest , Jan 06, 2009 11:52AM
Are they auctioning off the Upper East Side Penthouse there? I'd like to put in a bid.
Posted by guest , Jan 06, 2009 11:56AM
Do you know how much they could have spent on that stuff if they ran into the right salesman?
DO YOU???
Posted by guest , Jan 06, 2009 11:58AM
@15 has got to be that fucking annoying shamwow/slapchop guy. FWIW, I'd like to punch your teeth out.
Posted by Lowly Assistant , Jan 06, 2009 11:59AM
The whistle thing is fucking ridiculous. Can you imagine a devastating event...you crawl from the rubble, and all you hear are a bunch of assholes with those fucking whistles?
But what can I say? I just looked in my desk, and we have granola bars, a flashlight/radio combo, and an 8-oz bottle of poland spring. I'm ready for the shit to hit. I'll be listening to hot 97 (hopefully it'll happen during lunch, for the old-school tunes), munching my Nature Valley, while gingerly sipping my 8-oz of water. But I'll have band-aids. Yes, band-aids will be had.
Posted by guest , Jan 06, 2009 12:02PM
@13-- did you spell it "dumbass"? this is what you get when you type "goldman bonus"
http://dealbreaker.com/cgi-bin/mt/mt-search.cgi?IncludeBlogs=10&search=goldman+bonus&searchsubmit.x=0&searchsubmit.y=0&searchsubmit=submit
Posted by guest , Jan 06, 2009 12:02PM
Yeah, those will help you when that gigantic tsunami and hurricane sweep across Manhattan next week.
Posted by guest , Jan 06, 2009 12:15PM
@18:
It's pronounced Doomah...
Posted by guest , Jan 06, 2009 12:17PM
rumor has it there are skin mags with his name on them out there.....
Posted by guest , Jan 06, 2009 12:22PM
I wonder who is going to be the lucky suitor of the MADF office space after the SEC brings back the contents to their headquarters. My vote is for a resurrection of Insana Capital Partners and the Legends Fund
Posted by guest , Jan 06, 2009 12:23PM
I wonder if the Feds have paid a visit to 75-20 Astoria BLVD. Locals say its close to the best Chicken Parm outside the city.
Posted by guest , Jan 06, 2009 12:26PM
I wonder if the Feds have paid a visit to 75-20 Astoria BLVD. Locals say its close to the best Chicken Parm outside the city.
Posted by guest , Jan 06, 2009 12:27PM
I'll bet Bernie's personal disaster kit included fake passports, Goyim disguise kit, list of countries w/o U.S. extradition, a pouch full of diamonds, and keys to a safehouse somewhere in Palm Beach.
Posted by guest , Jan 06, 2009 12:28PM
The bonuses at GS should be great this year now that they have been named asset managers for all the MBS the Fed is buying from Fannie and Freddie - our Treasury department is now an ibank.
In about two or three years they're going to suddenly decide they don't want to be a bank holding company anymore and now they don't have much competition - they better make sure they show Paulson how much they appreciate everything he has done for them.
Posted by guest , Jan 06, 2009 12:31PM
Judge to Bernie: F the prosecutor! did you wire all of MY money back into my swiss account? good...then here's what happens. I am going to close my eyes and count to three. ready? No Bernie, 3...after 2. No not now. wait. okay ready?
Posted by guest , Jan 06, 2009 1:00PM
Made-off sending those "Hannukah gifts" by mail the other day was all just a clever ruse cooked up by The Brains (the Mrs.) All meant to throw the screws off their scent....bet that bigger stashes of $$$, gold etc. have already been smuggled out by maids, "delivery men", porters etc. via the service entrance. Maybe everything leaving that Park Ave. building should be checked, if there's anything left that is!
Hey @25: very good bet.
@12: A pool on when he disaappears would see more action than Super Bowl. Pulling a a Merckle? Too German....not for this Jew.
Posted by guest , Jan 06, 2009 1:02PM
the Madoff family needs knew emergency response kits for jail......INCLUDE KY BOYS
Posted by guest , Jan 06, 2009 1:02PM
@ 21...they've got much more than his name on them.
Posted by guest , Jan 06, 2009 1:07PM
Ok Boys, new plan. I will start doing malicious things while under house arrest and you turn me in. That will certainly make everyone believe you are not involved in this disaster. Fool me once,>>>
Posted by guest , Jan 06, 2009 1:12PM
Dad can we go fishing yet
Posted by guest , Jan 06, 2009 1:17PM
No condoms?
Posted by guest , Jan 06, 2009 1:23PM
I have a fairfield greenwich group umbrella and folder. would anyone be interested?
Posted by guest , Jan 06, 2009 1:24PM
@31 - BINGO!
Posted by Lowly Assistant , Jan 06, 2009 1:32PM
32,
Not until you've finished shredding those documents and running magnets through the disk drives. You know better.
Posted by KevinB , Jan 06, 2009 2:04PM
@25 - What goes into a "Goyim disguise kit"?
Posted by miami , Jan 06, 2009 2:17PM
List of relevant countries for Madoff with no extradition:
Israel
Brazil.
It's really a short list.
Posted by guest , Jan 06, 2009 3:06PM
@37, hair bleaching kit, blue eye contacts, fake handlebar mustache, leather biker jacket, jeans, john deere hat, and a ton of temporary tatoos.
Posted by guest , Jan 06, 2009 3:20PM
@38 - the list is even shorter: Brazil.
Madoff's DEAD to Israel, DEAD. Would never, ever be let in that country what with all of the spilt Jewish blood (I mean, money) on his hands. Venezuela is also a strong contender for the getaway.
Posted by guest , Jan 06, 2009 3:29PM
Hey @37 - every Goyim/WASP disguise kit has the following: tassel loafers (no socks), silver flask for the gin, tie from Thomas Pink with blue whales, Cliff Bars, Dockers (wide pant leg) LL Bean Windbreaker (no athletic logos) and hat with brim. Breathe-eaze strips to tape down the Jewish nose.
Should the FBI profile this?
Posted by Anal_yst , Jan 06, 2009 5:12PM
Um, gents, if he went to Brazil or Venezuela I'm guessing he'd be dead in no more than 24 hours. He'd be safer in Namibia with Kobi Alexander.
Hell, the Alexanders and Madoffs could start a new Israel in the heart of Africa!