Disappointed by the alarming dearth of intelligence in the modern criminal mind, and with the eventual goal of providing more interesting and alluring white-collar crime mysteries for our readers, we have developed this guide in order to give the modern financial thief a fighting chance at remaining "at large" for at least 60-90 days after consummating a significant fraud.
We at Dealbreaker are dedicated to the preservation of entertaining white-collar crime stories. This seems the most effective way to increase their number.
Below you will find a series of financial crime cover-up "Do's" and "Don'ts." Obviously, however, we frown on unethical behavior in any form, and you should always consult your professional financial, legal and tax advisers before embarking on a multi-year flight from justice.
Do: Prepare your escape well before your imminent discovery.
There is nothing worse than trying to plan the many tiers of logistics that are required to effectuate a decent escape and prepare a livable fugitive lifestyle while under time pressure. Rushing things tends to create transparent plans, needlessly involves co-conspirators and makes for bad decision making. (Parking your SUV in the field of view of a video camera when pretending to jump from a local bridge famous for suicide attempts, for instance). Time will permit you to disable the relevant cameras before the attempt, or select a proper location without such perfect coverage.
Don't: Lose your cool in the face of time pressure if your plans go awry, or if you failed to make any plans or anticipate your imminent discovery.
Ok, we were wrong: There is something worse than trying to plan the many tiers of logistics that are required to effectuate a decent escape, like voluntarily having a conversation with a policeman an hour after you declared an in-air emergency and faked your own death and, in the course of that conversation, handing over your real driver's license. This is panic-driven behavior. Not to rub it in, but if you had worked on the time part, you'd be better off. Since you didn't, however, keeping your cool is pretty essential. If you aren't up for that, well, perhaps you should have concentrated on HVAC work?
Do: Lose the wife/girlfriend/boyfriend. Period. Seriously. No, seriously.
You aren't doing her a favor by including her in your plans and forcing upon her the choice of either being a co-conspirator, an accessory before the fact, and probably after the fact, or keeping silent and facing significant prosecutorial pressure to turn on you (which will eventually prevail- how exactly do you think she will handle the asset freeze?), or turning you in right after you walk out the door. Besides, once you hit the beach in Venezuela, she's going to look a lot older, and far less appealing in a swimsuit than you remembered- particularly compared to the local women. Plus, you will face the burden of owing everything to her and that is simply not a weight that a woman like that is going to let a man forget. Ever. Never ever. The Saks Fifth Avenue in Caracas is no Saks Fifth Avenue at all. This alone should be reason to end all argument on this topic. You will likely prosper with the chance to begin again. She is assured not to. If you absolutely must include her in your plans (perhaps she was the firm's CFO, will be able to cast serious doubt on your tragic death story, etc.) then make sure to conceal the body well before your arrival in Venezuela.
Don't: Tell the new girl about your clever escape.
Local girls are best kept in the dark. Pick a very pretty and not very smart one. She will never question the story that you lost both your very wealthy, European parents at a young age and came into a vast sum of money but have tired of the droll United States, and in your new home no one is going to think more highly of you for having a smart significant other- just one who looks fifteen years your junior, deadly in the swimsuit and has no need of plastic surgery. (Remember, you are in the third world now, no matter what they say about doctors in Costa Rica, the "Switzerland of the tropics," surgery is a no-no).
Do: Have a plausible explanation for why your body is not found.
If you must select the "faked death" method, planning for the certain investigatory flux that will follow is key. Every suicide is also a homicide. The same detectives are going to be poking around. Yes, if they have college degrees they are probably from state schools, but this isn't Goldman Sachs anymore. They have been doing this a long time and they are highly motivated. They can guess and guess and guess wrong for weeks. You get to miss once. Moreover, if you left some holes in financial accounts, and your body isn't found, the world (and Dealbreaker readers) will immediately call "Shenanigans." Ken Lay is STILL rumored to be alive by select groups of Dealbreaker readers, and we posted the corner's report for his death, for crying out loud. This takes careful planning to present the proper level of uncertainty without appearing overly contrived. Reporting an in-flight emergency, for example, pins down exactly who was in control of the plane when. Your voice is recorded, you exact whereabouts are known at the time of the "incident." Having your plane found on the ground, on an improvised landing strip, low on fuel, door open with a substantial amount of blood in the cockpit and a bullet hole in the side after a lot of radio silence is much more mind boggling. Mind boggling is very good. Adding enough regular large-money transactions to imply that you were being blackmailed and a few bricks of cocaine to be found in your home and the story almost tells itself.
Don't: Watch CSI. (Also known as: Don't try to substitute a body for your own).
Forget all those stories about ammonia frustrating DNA testing, and the like. A concentration of ammonia in the absence of an ammonia plant is, itself, going to raise suspicion. Stealing a body from the morgue/funeral home is far more difficult than hiding a corpse you yourself just killed. Corpses are heavy, difficult to conceal, as well as sneak out of the facility, and you can't cut up the body you plan to use as your stand in to increase portability before you use it. Then there is the problem of finding a physically compatible body, no small trial. Plus, someone is going to get static for losing said body, paperwork will be filled out (surprisingly, losing an already dead body is much more administratively tasking than losing several billion dollars) and unless you cut off hands, head, break out teeth and deal with the DNA testing of ALL the tissue, well, the game won't last long. How many bodies go missing in a given 7 day period, after all? (Ok, we might be low-balling this in New York and Arkansas, but you understand our meaning). "Killed by blackmailer, body still missing," is far more convincing than "body dissolved into strange goo by mysterious acid like substance," no matter what the one hour drama writers tell you.
Do: Use blood.
Taking half a unit a day from yourself for a week or so will give you plenty of blood for any investigator. (Don't let your wife find your stash in the freezer). Some signs of a struggle along with enough blood to trigger the "there is no way this much blood could have been spilled without a loss of consciousness" analysis can be very effective. A missing body with that much blood certainly suggests a separate perpetrator. Class III to Class IV hemorrhage levels should be sufficient. Think around two to maybe three liters if you are an average sized male. Resist the temptation to use seven liters for effect. Less is more.
Don't: Use an accelerant that doesn't belong there in the first place.
Yes, diesel mixed with a bit of oil burns more persistently, longer, and eradicates more evidence- that is except for diesel residue evidence, which only belongs in a diesel car or truck.
Do: Consider physics.
If you are smart enough to have a pilot's license you are smart enough to know that leaving the clamshell door on your Malibu open is going to increase drag and reduce range. You also know that leaving the autopilot on is going to cause that plane to do its damnedest to manage the flight controls for a slow, measured glide after it runs out of fuel. The result is a very boring bit of wreckage and lots of evidence left behind with no fire, instead of a catastrophic, burning accident. Plan accordingly. For reference, jumping out of a flying plane and managing to close the door is easier with an over-wing aircraft and flying at 2,000 feet with your transponder turned off is simply not going to keep you off of radar records- particularly near the Air Defense Identification Zone (ADIZ) of a major drug traffic path state (like Florida) where balloon mounted AN/PPS-5 radars are generally in operation. Finally, after the skewering air-defense and intercept capabilities took following 9/11, be aware that fighters are very likely to catch up with your plane if you report something odd and then go radio silent. Report your difficulty right before your plane "crashes."
Don't: Draw attention to yourself if you are supposed to be "dead."
Look people, if you aren't prepared for the boring and isolated existence that belongs to the fugitive from justice, don't plan on being a fugitive from justice. Resist the temptation to send cute postcards from exotic locals to former acquaintances, your wife, your mistress, your boss, your victims, or the FBI. Yes, "The weather is here, wish you were nice," is clever in a dorky sort of way. No, it's not a good idea. Do not pose for pictures. Do not save the life of that drowning tourist couple and then vanish mysteriously leaving them to babble on TV about the nice man who saved them. Do not approach law enforcement officers with a story about a terrible accident. Do not approach anyone with sky-diving goggles on your head and claim to have been canoeing. Do not pay the hotel clerk with a $100 bill. Do not check into a hotel and then flee before even going in the room.
To be continued in Part II....
Earlier: Today's Ponzi Trifecta Begins?
Much Earlier: Manhunt Continues
Posted by guest , Jan 13, 2009 10:59AM
As Admiral Nelson said before Trafalgar: "You must plan for a fight and never fight for a plan."
Posted by guest , Jan 13, 2009 10:59AM
Too criminal, didn't read
Posted by guest , Jan 13, 2009 11:01AM
.....and ALWAYS have a stash of Meds waiting for you, wherever your parachute may land
Ruth Madoff
Posted by guest , Jan 13, 2009 11:02AM
Funny. Lots of work, but funny.
Posted by guest , Jan 13, 2009 11:04AM
do: be first
Posted by guest , Jan 13, 2009 11:04AM
@ 3 hilarious
Posted by guest , Jan 13, 2009 11:05AM
Before I comment I just want to say, No Homo.
Your post has a few problems:
The shopping in Caracas is actually fairly impressive, although a lot more European brands than American brands. (Either way, it's not worth bringing the wife...you probably only married her because she said she was pregnant anyways)
Plastic Surgeons in Venezuela are world renowned (I know you said Costa Rica, but figured I would comment). It's definitely the fake tit capital of the world.
Other than that thanks for the guide.
Posted by guest , Jan 13, 2009 11:05AM
DO: Consult Tony Almeida or Jack Bauer
Posted by guest , Jan 13, 2009 11:06AM
@8--Abysmal effort.
Posted by guest , Jan 13, 2009 11:07AM
Dont: Forget your egret.
Posted by guest , Jan 13, 2009 11:08AM
I believe an "accessory before the fact" is just a plain old accessory, or usually a co-conspirator. However, it has been a few years since the first year of law school.
Posted by guest , Jan 13, 2009 11:10AM
Well said EP, This is a great example of DB Snark at its best.
Posted by guest , Jan 13, 2009 11:13AM
So, in summary: do your homework and lay good groundwork, exit without drama, and really REALLY drop off the face of the Earth. Oh, better learn how to fish!
Posted by guest , Jan 13, 2009 11:14AM
Good info!
/Onalday Umptray
Posted by guest , Jan 13, 2009 11:15AM
If you are going to use your own blood - better get the splatter right - atleast that's what Dexter would do.
Posted by guest , Jan 13, 2009 11:15AM
Step 1: get a box
Posted by guest , Jan 13, 2009 11:16AM
My friend, your money's no good here in Venezuela, you're my guest -
H. Chavez
Posted by guest , Jan 13, 2009 11:16AM
Too Marc Rich, didn't read.
Posted by guest , Jan 13, 2009 11:17AM
Too Marc Rich, didn't read.
Posted by guest , Jan 13, 2009 11:19AM
too long, played with dong
Posted by guest , Jan 13, 2009 11:20AM
I believe in the Church of Baseball. I've tried all the major religions, and most of the minor ones. I've worshipped Buddha, Allah, Brahma, Vishnu, Siva, trees, mushrooms, and Isadora Duncan. I know things. For instance, there are 108 beads in a Catholic rosary and there are 108 stitches in a baseball. When I heard that, I gave Jesus a chance. But it just didn't work out between us. The Lord laid too much guilt on me. I prefer metaphysics to theology. You see, there's no guilt in baseball, and it's never boring... which makes it like sex. There's never been a ballplayer slept with me who didn't have the best year of his career. Making love is like hitting a baseball: you just gotta relax and concentrate. Besides, I'd never sleep with a player hitting under .250... not unless he had a lot of RBIs and was a great glove man up the middle. You see, there's a certain amount of life wisdom I give these boys. I can expand their minds. Sometimes when I've got a ballplayer alone, I'll just read Emily Dickinson or Walt Whitman to him, and the guys are so sweet, they always stay and listen. 'Course, a guy'll listen to anything if he thinks it's foreplay. I make them feel confident, and they make me feel safe, and pretty. 'Course, what I give them lasts a lifetime; what they give me lasts 142 games. Sometimes it seems like a bad trade. But bad trades are part of baseball - now who can forget Frank Robinson for Milt Pappas, for God's sake? It's a long season and you gotta trust. I've tried 'em all, I really have, and the only church that truly feeds the soul, day in, day out, is the Church of Baseball.
Posted by guest , Jan 13, 2009 11:23AM
"effectuate" .... bloody Yanks.
Posted by guest , Jan 13, 2009 11:28AM
January 13th, 2009: National Ponzi Enableization Day!
Posted by guest , Jan 13, 2009 11:34AM
@21 - shut up and breathe through your eyelids.
Posted by guest , Jan 13, 2009 11:34AM
Actually, today is "Make Your Dream Come True" day ... go figure.
Posted by guest , Jan 13, 2009 11:43AM
the first thing you should do is look at countries that don't extradite to the US, especially for money laundering
Posted by guest , Jan 13, 2009 11:47AM
"Do: Lose the wife/girlfriend/boyfriend. Period. Seriously. No, seriously."
Whitey Bulger, a notorious Boston-area gangster, has been on the run for 15 years with his girlfriend. The lesson? If you're gonna bring your significant other, make sure she can fit into a suitcase.
Posted by miami , Jan 13, 2009 11:51AM
A fake drowning in deep/shark-infested waters would seem to work well in these situations.
Particularly if you like to fish, and are a known drinker. Follow #1 and #10 above very closely and it will be hard to be found again.
Posted by PatrickBateman , Jan 13, 2009 11:54AM
Venezuela is the clear choice for any criminal these days. Do you really think Hugo Chavez will assist the FBI in apprehending a white collar criminal that helped take down the mighty capitalist system? Hell no. He might even give you keys to the city.
Posted by guest , Jan 13, 2009 11:59AM
In Re Do Consider Physics:
How in the HELL do you know that stuff? "AN/PPS-5"
Posted by Anal_yst , Jan 13, 2009 12:05PM
Interestingly enough they were discussing this on Opie & Anthony this AM, where even such sophmoric observers realized that, if one is seeking to flee and/or abandon one's significant other, its best to have a solid, well-though out, patiently-executed game plan.
I'm with Miami, the drunk drowning one has alot of allure: Excuse to spend alot of time both drinking and boating/fishing (just to, ya' know, lay the groundwork), good eulogy "..he went out doing what he loved best..." (drinking/boating/etc), etc.
Also, plastic surgury isn't the worst idea, although a quality job gets a little pricey, and of course, then there's one more person (unless you farm it out one step at a time to different doctors, a tenuous proposition at best) who knows what you're up to.
Posted by Equity Private , Jan 13, 2009 12:05PM
How in the HELL do you know that stuff? "AN/PPS-5"
Anyone who flies around Florida, the islands or penetrates the ADIZ is going to have some understanding of the systems there.
(Read: I'm a pilot-nerd. Most pilots are closet nerds).
Posted by guest , Jan 13, 2009 12:09PM
DON'T: Flee in a bright red motorcycle:
Marcus Schrenker fled Harpersville, Alabama, on a red motorcycle he kept at a storage unit leased under an assumed name, officials said.
Schrenker told the leasing agent at the storage facility that he would be back for the motorcycle Monday, the U.S. Marshals Office said.
The motorcycle -- a 2008 Yamaha street bike with saddlebags -- was brought to the storage unit by someone in a brown pickup and trailer, the Marshals Office said.
When authorities searched the unit late Monday night, the motorcycle was gone, and some damp clothes had been left on the floor, the Marshals Office said.
--CNN
Posted by guest , Jan 13, 2009 12:16PM
#14 made me laugh out loud. The other traders on the "east" natgas desk are depressed and curious why I am laughing during their "Oh shit!! I'm not as great as I thought I was" moment brought on by the fucking former "market-making" bank-tards assault on the world financial system. Bastards.
Posted by guest , Jan 13, 2009 12:20PM
Bateman, you are right on: Chavez would embrace and shield that Shitstack Madoff till kingdom come. To Chavez, it would be the ultimate Fuck You to Wall Street, The Greedy Jews and all of the things he's been ranting about for years. He probably dug a money pit for Madoff years ago, way up in the mountains. I wouldn't be surprised if a spacious coffee plantation awaits Bernie along with a Gov't Cabinet Position or a top financial advisory spot at Citgo roasting the books. Only catch here is Bernie needs to get out of the US soon, in order to make it down to Venezuela, alive & in one piece. The Columbians may have something to say about that!
Posted by guest , Jan 13, 2009 12:35PM
DO EXPOSE IT ALL! like a true Wolf of Wall Street! http://www.therealwolfofwallstreet.com
Posted by guest , Jan 13, 2009 1:31PM
Don't: When pretending to commit suicide, don't quote in your farewell note a song lyric from a movie scene where a guy pretends to commit suicide.
Posted by guest , Jan 13, 2009 1:32PM
I know this Dutch guy in Aruba...
What? Still too soon?
Posted by Gordon Gekko , Jan 13, 2009 1:54PM
EP, you deserve a Pulitzer for this. Best snarky read in a long time.
Posted by guest , Jan 13, 2009 2:09PM
Oh my god.
Posted by guest , Jan 13, 2009 2:23PM
Don't sign into your first hotel with an unusual alias that just happens to be the surname of the actor who played a surgeon in The Fugitive.
Posted by guest , Jan 13, 2009 3:13PM
@38 -
Wait - not too early at all. In fact, I'd love to spend several months interviewing your friend. Please provide contact info.
Yours truly,
-- Setta van Grustren
Posted by guest , Jan 13, 2009 3:21PM
Let's be realistic, if these morons were competent enough to do all this, they wouldn't have driven their hedge funds into the ditch.
You know who the smart crooks were? The ones who charged their 20% in the bull market knowing that when the bears showed up, they were going to shut up shop and walk away with their money.
Posted by guest , Jan 13, 2009 4:02PM
He'd be a lot better off if he never called in an "emergency", didn't engage the autopilot, steered his plane deep into the Gulf and jumped at 15,000ft.
Posted by guest , Jan 14, 2009 12:57AM
Best. Ever.
Posted by guest , Jan 14, 2009 4:45AM
Best. Ever.
Posted by guest , Jan 14, 2009 5:35PM
@21
Bull Duram?
Posted by guest , Jan 14, 2009 5:35PM
@21
Bull Duram?
Posted by guest , Jan 16, 2009 7:17AM
Good education, wonderfull new world opening!! I for one like to do it rightaway, one small problem though can somebody teach me urgently how to gether enough funds to execute such plan ?
Overspil will be shared.
Gerrit
Posted by guest , Jan 16, 2009 11:51PM
@ 21, Susan Sarandon is a Commie Skank. Put a bra on already Granma. Your carrots are going rotten.
Posted by guest , Jan 16, 2009 11:54PM
Yes, thorough and practical, and yet it lacks a certain, je ne se quoi, . . . elegance?
And I must say, I don't understand the sarcastic attitude about all of this.
Claus Von Bulow
Posted by guest , Jan 24, 2009 3:56PM
Don't: name the company you want to siphon off to be an anagram of yours or your company name ( read Satyam / Maytas).
Posted by guest , Jan 27, 2009 2:12PM
Don't leave your browser history filled with visits to "How to Fake Your Own Death' sites.
Posted by guest , Jan 27, 2009 2:48PM
oh shit. great catch, 53.
Posted by guest , Feb 11, 2009 4:12PM
As a former white collar law enforcement employee, I have to say that you have pretty much hit the mark on the head, on one level. But what about CIA Red Letters and the LMat treaty that the US government has forced down the throats of all the countries in the Americas. What about Interpol? I believe that the US government has more tentacles than you can imagine. I liked your article.
Posted by guest , Feb 11, 2009 4:12PM
As a former white collar law enforcement employee, I have to say that you have pretty much hit the mark on the head, on one level. But what about CIA Red Letters and the LMat treaty that the US government has forced down the throats of all the countries in the Americas. What about Interpol? I believe that the US government has more tentacles than you can imagine. I liked your article.
Posted by guest , Feb 12, 2009 2:36PM
don't freeze the blood. it'll burst the red blood cells and if all your blood doesn't dry by the time the ppl get to it they'll know it's planted.
better yet, take a course in bio/forensics.