Speaking of the need for mass execution, another “Fashion Meets Finance” event is on the horizon. This one, billed as the “government bailout edition,” is taking place at the Empire Hotel January 22. For those who need a quick refresher, FMF, brought to you by Pocket Change, is the satan sister to “Speed Dating for Rich Older Women and Hot Young Men (Sugar Mamas and Boy Toys),” AKA the greatest spectator sport of all time. FMF is based on the idea that “women in fashion need men who can facilitate their pre-30 marriage/retirement plan, and men in finance need women who will allow them to leverage their career in their dating equity.” I know what you’re thinking, that a) this event sounds like a spiked catheter to the urethra and b) its entire premise is ruined by virtue of the fact that we live in a very different world than the first time this convention of horrific humans came out last June, and investment bankers now have an annual take home of about 30k. But the organizers are one step ahead of you, noting on the event’s site, “Ladies, they still make so much more than the guys in advertising.” PocketChange founder Jeremy Ableson explains below, in the audio equivalent of what the night will be like. I think we can all appreciate that this thing is Social Darwinism at work, and throw some gratitude at PC and JA for rounding all these people up into one place (not that we’re suggesting anything illegal…).

As we mentioned yesterday, Bernie Madoff has taken to wearing a bullet proof vest during his appearances in public (open mic night at the Laugh Factory), as though there are people who want him dead. Turns out the Ponz. master may be on to something. This guy offered Berns some neighborly advice to jump yesterday, and New York securities lawyer Howard Siorta told Bloomberg, “I’d love to put a hatchet in Bernie Madoff’s head, and I know there are other Jews who feel that way.” Problem is, we need Big B alive, not dead. But I understand the cathartic need to end someone, so at this time, let’s open up the space to discuss (1) who we’d like to kill (2) why (3) how we’d do it (4) what we’d do with the body. Has to be a real person. Though I do often experience violent feelings while using a Mac, Jobs is out. Begin.

About twenty percent of the sales team was booted from Meredith Whitney’s Den of Iniquity yesterday. Dismissed employees were apparently given the news while being worked over one last time by W and her spreader y truss bar. Vikram Pandit and the team at Citi are said to be working now on an email that blast that calls Mer and Opp out for being a cesspool of ineptitude.

The FT reports that Citigroup’s Corporate Special Opportunities fund has informed believers in the unbridled genius that is Citi Alternative Investments that for every dollar they put in, 3 cents are coming out. And that they should count their blessings it wasn’t worse.

According to Citi, “Every fund that invested in bank loans in Europe and used leverage did not survive. At least we are giving investors cash.”
Without Citi’s support, the hedge fund, which invested in corporate debt, would have had negative equity, according to a person with direct knowledge of the matter.
Some debt funds have told investors who want to withdraw their money that they will receive slices of debt in the hedge fund portfolio rather than cash. While such actions are allowed under fund documents, few investors have the capability to deal with such securities.

Investors Hammered By Citi Fund Setback [FT]

Dimon Not A Fan Of 2009 (FT)
You can listen to the J.P. Morgan webcast (requires registration) at 7:45.
Some highlights from the 4Q Earnings Release:
* $2.4B Loss in IB
* In Card Services, “Net interest income was $4.3 billion, up $1.2 billion, or 38%, from the prior year, driven by the impact of the Washington Mutual transaction, higher average managed loan balances, and wider loan spreads.”
* Retail banking reported a Net Income of $1.0B, up 85%
* “Checking accounts totaled 24.5 million, including 12.6 million attributable to the Washington Mutual transaction, an increase of 13.7 million, or 126%.”
* “Average total deposits grew to $339.8 billion, including $126.3 billion attributable to the Washington Mutual transaction, an increase of $131.4 billion, or 63%.”
* “Average mortgage loans were $150.0 billion, up $105.5 billion, or 237%, due to the Washington Mutual transaction. Mortgage loan originations were $28.1 billion, down 30% from the prior year and down 25% from the prior quarter.”
* “Total third-party mortgage loans serviced were $1.2 trillion, an increase of $557.9 billion, or 91%, predominantly due to the Washington Mutual transaction.”
* Commercial banking showed a Net Income of $480MM.
* AUM $1.1T
* AM 4Q Net Revenue $1.66B, Net Income $255MM
* Corporate/PE Net Income was $1.545B
* “The Private Equity portfolio totaled $6.9 billion, compared with $7.2 billion in the prior year and $7.5 billion in the prior quarter. The portfolio represented 5.8% of total stockholders’ equity less goodwill, down from 9.2% in the prior year and 7.5% in the prior quarter.”
Full supplement.
Also of note: J.P. Morgan’s numbers officially put Citi into “Bitch Bank” status. Perhaps you should consider adopting some rules from the Peruvian legal system into your atmosphere Mr. Pandit.
ECB Lowers Rate 50bps (Bloomberg)
Move along, move along: nothing to see here.
Lehman’s Cash Position Improving, Despite Bankruptcy (WSJ)
This would be funny if it didn’t still hurt:
“Lehman Brothers Holdings Inc. and numerous U.S. affiliates have increased their cash balance to about $6 billion since falling into bankruptcy protection in September, when the companies had $3.3 billion, according to Lehman advisers.”
Chavez Reopens Oil Bids To The Evil West (NYT)
“[F]aced with the plunge in prices and a decline in domestic production, senior officials have begun soliciting bids from some of the largest Western oil companies in recent weeks — including Chevron, Royal Dutch/Shell and Total of France — promising them access to some of the world’s largest petroleum reserves, according to energy executives and industry consultants here.”
ICE Emerging In Bid For CDS Clearinghouse (Bloomberg)
“Analysts at Morgan Stanley and CreditSights Inc. said this week that Atlanta-based Intercontinental, also known as ICE, will likely be the industry choice to back the contracts because of its partnership with Goldman Sachs Group Inc.,JPMorgan Chase & Co. and seven other banks that account for over 80 percent of the trading. A clearinghouse may earn as much as $400 million in annual revenue, according to Keefe Bruyette & Woods Inc.”
ICE’s biggest competition in the bid for CDS supremacy was the CME.

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$$$ “The U.S. government is close to committing billions in additional aid to Bank of America as the nation’s largest bank by assets tries to digest its Jan. 1 acquisition of Merrill Lynch, according to people familiar with the situation.” [WSJ]
$$$ Shoot Bernie [Cityfile]
$$$ 12 private jets, a helicopter and $30m worth of art [FT Alphaville]
$$$ Madoff now traveling in bullet proof vest, as though there are people who want him dead. [Daily Intel]

From: vikrampandit@citi.com
Sent: Wednesday, January 14, 2009 2:10 PM
Subject: Message from Vikram

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Second verse, same as the first. Madoff’s house arrest at 133 East 64th Street upheld. Attorney Ira Sorkin still sticking with the “millions in dollars worth of jewelry sent to family members were just Hannukah gifts” story. Sorkin also communicated that Bernie “wants to make investors whole again,” so that’s nice.