Bank of Amerillwide is apparently supposed to announce today (if they haven’t already) that the firm will be eliminating all plastic knives, forks, and spoons, in addition to paper plates and styrofoam cups. All associates will receive “a BAC-branded coffee cup that its biodegradable in landfills over a five year period.” According to one disgruntled styro-loving employee “they are spinning it to sound like its being done to save the environment but it’s obviously just another crushing blow to employee morale.” OR: it’s a company-wide welcome wagon to the Merrill people, who we’re told prefer consuming food Medieval Times-style, and the Countrywiders, who 9 times out of 10 will pick a feed-bag over a knife and fork. Only Ken Lewis knows for sure.
Archive for January 2009
We don’t like to get too self-referential here on Dealbreaker but we make exceptions when it becomes necessary to call people out on their bull shit. Today’s example is that of a well-known financial publication ripping off Dealbreaker. As you know, earlier today, we posted an internal memo from Citi, regarding the Morgan Stanley and Smith Barney talks. Because it’s become something of a problem of other news outlets ripping off this here site, lately, when it comes to memos, we’ve been instituting our own theft-prevention measures. Which is why we can say with authority that a certain financial blog of the same initials as our own lifted the memo from us, without attribution. Because: 1. Mike Corbat never signed his title (CEO Citi Global Wealth Management) on the email, he only wrote “Mike.” We added the title to give our readers context. But maybe the other news source simply had the same idea, which would explain why the title also appears on their version? Oh, except 2. The original timestamp on Mike’s email was 9:39, and we changed it to 9:35. Just in case. Funny, SOMEONE’s memo recreates these exact edits, as well. I wonder how that happened.
Judge Ellis will not revoke bail. Bernie to remain under house arrest. The AP reports that restrictions on transferring assets are now part of the bail, mail will be checked, and the apartment will be examined once every two weeks. That, I think we can all agree, are some harsh terms right there.
Never thought I’d see the day, but Richard Bruce Cheney, people, we are in full agreement with Larry Kudlow, who suggest moments ago we “waterboard him.”
This is no way to start the week but here goes. Charlie Gasparino’s latest column for the Daily Beast suggests that the lovefest above is a sham and that Merrill Lynch CEO John Thain and Bank of America CEO Ken Lewis don’t even like each other. Also, BAC is apparently having a case of buyer’s remorse re: MER (though often professes to fantasize, after a bunch of drinks, that it could “buy Countrywide over and over, multiple times a day”). Sayeth Chaz:
There has been nothing stable and confidence-building about watching these two firms work out their differences. Inside Bank of America, people I speak to say they can’t believe what they have gotten into.
And get a load of this (maybe manufactured) DRA-MA:
It says something that we credit Ford with some kind of great accomplishment insofar as they didn’t go begging for government handouts when GM and Chrysler debased themselves during Congressional Pledge Week. (“I want that bathroom floor shining in the light by morning. Here’s a toothbrush. If a sister asks, you must be able to produce $0.67 exactly at all times. And don’t let me catch you flying around in a jet. You are going to drive and you are going to like it.’) It says something else that, as it looks now, Ford might join her sisters in that ignominious sorority, which we understand is “Theta Theta Theta,” though its not clear if this has to do with the inexorable decay of members’ value with the passage of time. We hear the initiation involves nudity, a paddling by Bob Corker and the application to the left asscheek of a brand reading “Your Ass Is Mine” above the great seal of the United States.
If nothing else, last month’s dismal reports should have put the lie to this fantasy that somehow U.S. light vehicle sales will top 12 million this year (c.f. $38 crude this morning, however) the key number Ford was relying on in its smug refusal to admit the need for untold billions to keep everyone employed making the new Ford F150, and the idea that it could find reasonable off-campus housing rather than join the sisterhood.
What is it exactly that is going on with big auto, we ask you. Is it public posturing? Do these corporate leaders simply show a brave face during the day before retiring to the refuge of their curtain drawn bedrooms, head in hands, to sob in despair? (Maybe it was the shame of humiliation waking up missing key articles of clothing after that mixer/binge drinking session with ZBT/The Oversight Committee, though). Or are they really just completely deluded? Either way, should we permit them the privilege of handling any resources beyond their own checkbook anymore?
Chairman William Clay Ford Jr. told reporters yesterday that Ford’s “game plan is to keep going on our own” and not seek federal loans unless “the world implodes as we know it.”
Mr. Chairman, your false vacuum collapse has arrived and bubble nucleation proceeds apace.
Ford May Seek U.S. Help as Economy Imperils Sales [Bloomberg]
By telling employees to sit tight!
From: Mike Corbat
Sent: Monday, January 12, 2009 9:35 AM
Subject: Recent Press Coverage
To all GWM Colleagues:
I don’t know about you but I feel like it’s been forever since we’ve heard from our favorite Swiss bank (no offense to Credit Suisse, but you’re going to have to get up a lot earlier to perpetrate enough fraud to worm your way into our heart). So this feels good:
UBS is set to announce the biggest corporate loss in the country’s history, running into billions of dollars, a newspaper reported Sunday. The German language newspaper Sonntag reported UBS would record an overall loss in 2008 of CHF20 billion ($18 billion) — despite showing a profit of CHF296 million in the third quarter — when it reports results on Feb. 10. Sonntag reported the bank racked up CHF8 billion in losses in the final quarter of 2008, bringing the total for the year to CHF20 billion UBS admitted in the fall, when it announced third-quarter results, that it had been hit hard by the global financial crisis and warned it could lose up to CHF5 billion in the final quarter.
UBS To Report Record Loss For 2008 [Dow Jones]
Do people care? Or does use of the “word” “misunderestimate” invalidate the whole thing?
Judge Ronald L. Ellis was supposed to announce whether or not he was going to force Bernie Madoff to leave the comforts of house arrest at 133 East 64th Street on Friday but apparently he really needed the weekend to think it over (and also wanted to give you all the opportunity to hilariously quip “last weekend at Bernie’s,” and variants thereof). Now, supposedly, he’ll issue a written statement around noon with the decision. As previously mentioned, prosecutors are arguing that Bernie-boy’s flagrant “disregard for the law” was demonstrated by his decision to send out over a million dollars worth of jewelry, which may or may not have been innocent Hannukah gifts. In order to keep him from bunking with Bubba, the defense has said it would agree to stricter terms of the house arrest, including allowing mail to be sorted through, and a bi-weekly check of assets in the apartment, which of course prompts us to ask two questions:
1. How the Christ are those not already included in the terms and
2. For those of you on Team Bernie, let’s start strategizing. Where exactly is he going to hide the diamonds? I feel like the anal cavity is too easy, but I’m not sure where else they could go.
Cuts are said to be scheduled to begin going down today at BarcLehs. Few details at this point, but apparently they are going to be “big” and that “a lot of people that came from the Barclays side of the integration are worried, [since] the Lehman side went through 4-5 rounds of layoffs even before the integration, so any that are left are best-of-the-best.” In related news, the Brits have issued a statement addressing rumors that former Lehman Brothers investment bank head and current BarcLehs senior executive Hugh “Skip” Mcgee III will receive $50 million for the next two years of work. Spokesman Peter Truell said they are “categorically false,” which means there might be some left over for money for severance?
