• 20 Jan 2009 at 10:40 AM

Steve Cohen Dominating Toilet Bowl

By

Picture 595.pngHis once mega-successful hedge fund may be in the shitter but Steve Cohen is back on top where it matters most: the Greenwich plumbing community. Back the truck up to last May, my little Steves, when Russian billionaire Valery Kogan announced his grand plans to build a 27,000 square foot home in Greenwich, replete with 26 toilets. The record number would’ve thoroughly trounced SC’s 19, embarrassed him in his own domain and broken a law (Section 182, clause 17 of the Greenwich town code clearly states that “no home shall exceed the number of waste-removal stations as are found at Casa Cohen”). Cohen was beside himself, and we have it on good authority that the blow SAC took to its portfolios last winter and fall were a direct result of Papa Bear’s distress, and not the markets, or idiot traders.
Today, we are pleased to report that after digging deep and putting his back into it, Stevie-boy has turned things around. I don’t think I can say definitively that death threats were made without being sued for libel but obviously it was made clear to the Kogans that they were not to cross the big guy on this one. Valery’s wife Olga is set to appear before the P&Z Commission with a new proposal, under which the Ruskies’ home at 18 Simmons Lane would be outfitted with a mere fifteen toilets. A solid victory, yes, but this thing is FAR from over. We’re told by a member of the special toilet task force, which is comprised of star SAC employees, that SC won’t stop until he gets the Kogans down to 2.5. Then and only then, when order is restored, will he be able to focus on positive returns. I don’t think I have to tell you we’re rooting for him.

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    Comments (20)

    1. 1
      Posted by guest | January 20, 2009 at 10:51 AM

      S. Cohen: 1
      Terrorists: 0

    2. 2
      Posted by guest | January 20, 2009 at 11:04 AM

      I knew an S. Cohen, once, nice guy.

    3. 3
      Posted by guest | January 20, 2009 at 11:08 AM

      but what about Russian natural gas flow?

    4. 4
      Posted by Cantillon | January 20, 2009 at 11:09 AM

      Stevie Cohen has a message for you Ruskie fucks: not in our house! Or…your house. Now please resume murdering each other.
      He who dies with the most pipes directing solid human waste (and hormone syringes) to a suitable treatment facility wins.

    5. 5
      Posted by guest | January 20, 2009 at 11:20 AM

      I just took a nasty shit and will be sending the pic to tips@dealbreaker.com

    6. 6
      Posted by guest | January 20, 2009 at 11:21 AM

      @5- steve, please make a log-in.

    7. 7
      Posted by guest | January 20, 2009 at 11:28 AM

      Log.

    8. 8
      Posted by guest | January 20, 2009 at 11:30 AM

      Meanwhile, according to http://www.foreclosure.com, more than 2,000 homes in Fairfield County went into “preforeclosure” in the last 30 days.
      Yes, you read that right: 2,000+
      It’s quite a list: $6 million waterfronts in Westport and Southport, and compounds in Riverside, Cos Cob and (gosh!) Greenwich and New Canaan.
      The criminal class will soon be buying golf course condos in suburban Charlotte it seems.

    9. 9
      Posted by guest | January 20, 2009 at 11:45 AM

      Thank you UBS for blocking Obama inauguration live video from cnn, msnbc & CBS

    10. 10
      Posted by merkin capital partners | January 20, 2009 at 11:54 AM

      @ 9 here’s what you missed: young man asked about his feelings, “This is totally unexpectable!”
      Outstanding.

    11. 11
      Posted by guest | January 20, 2009 at 11:58 AM

      @9
      meh

    12. 12
      Posted by guest | January 20, 2009 at 11:59 AM

      @ 9 – you missed
      “Hope and change…hope and change (higher taxes)…hope and change (more deficit spending…”

    13. 13
      Posted by guest | January 20, 2009 at 12:00 PM

      @9: any truth to the rumor they are instead overdubbing one of Phil Gramm’s rallies from 1996?

    14. 14
      Posted by guest | January 20, 2009 at 12:02 PM

      they are streaming SS rallies with furher sponsored by Union Bank of Switzeland

    15. 15
      Posted by guest | January 20, 2009 at 12:03 PM

      Where was I when Barack Obama became president of the United States? On Dealbreaker, reading about Steve Cohen’s fecal habits.
      Nice.

    16. 16
      Posted by guest | January 20, 2009 at 12:42 PM

      @10 LOL! “where’s muh free shit? gnomesayin?”

    17. 17
      Posted by guest | January 20, 2009 at 2:10 PM

      first sentence …may be… not maybe
      nice work otherwise

    18. 18
      Posted by guest | January 20, 2009 at 3:02 PM

      How do you have 2.5 toilets? Is the .5 a stand-up urinal?

    19. 19
      Posted by Bristol Airport Hotels | April 18, 2012 at 3:33 PM

      RUjBey Really appreciate you sharing this blog post.Much thanks again. Want more.

    20. 20
      Posted by oem software | May 3, 2012 at 9:18 AM

      i7PYyS Really appreciate you sharing this article post.Really looking forward to read more. Great.

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