His once mega-successful hedge fund may be in the shitter but Steve Cohen is back on top where it matters most: the Greenwich plumbing community. Back the truck up to last May, my little Steves, when Russian billionaire Valery Kogan announced his grand plans to build a 27,000 square foot home in Greenwich, replete with 26 toilets. The record number would've thoroughly trounced SC's 19, embarrassed him in his own domain and broken a law (Section 182, clause 17 of the Greenwich town code clearly states that "no home shall exceed the number of waste-removal stations as are found at Casa Cohen"). Cohen was beside himself, and we have it on good authority that the blow SAC took to its portfolios last winter and fall were a direct result of Papa Bear's distress, and not the markets, or idiot traders.
Today, we are pleased to report that after digging deep and putting his back into it, Stevie-boy has turned things around. I don't think I can say definitively that death threats were made without being sued for libel but obviously it was made clear to the Kogans that they were not to cross the big guy on this one. Valery's wife Olga is set to appear before the P&Z Commission with a new proposal, under which the Ruskies' home at 18 Simmons Lane would be outfitted with a mere fifteen toilets. A solid victory, yes, but this thing is FAR from over. We're told by a member of the special toilet task force, which is comprised of star SAC employees, that SC won't stop until he gets the Kogans down to 2.5. Then and only then, when order is restored, will he be able to focus on positive returns. I don't think I have to tell you we're rooting for him.
Posted by guest , Jan 20, 2009 10:51AM
S. Cohen: 1
Terrorists: 0
Posted by guest , Jan 20, 2009 11:04AM
I knew an S. Cohen, once, nice guy.
Posted by guest , Jan 20, 2009 11:08AM
but what about Russian natural gas flow?
Posted by Cantillon , Jan 20, 2009 11:09AM
Stevie Cohen has a message for you Ruskie fucks: not in our house! Or...your house. Now please resume murdering each other.
He who dies with the most pipes directing solid human waste (and hormone syringes) to a suitable treatment facility wins.
Posted by guest , Jan 20, 2009 11:20AM
I just took a nasty shit and will be sending the pic to tips@dealbreaker.com
Posted by guest , Jan 20, 2009 11:21AM
@5- steve, please make a log-in.
Posted by guest , Jan 20, 2009 11:28AM
Log.
Posted by guest , Jan 20, 2009 11:30AM
Meanwhile, according to www.foreclosure.com, more than 2,000 homes in Fairfield County went into "preforeclosure" in the last 30 days.
Yes, you read that right: 2,000+
It's quite a list: $6 million waterfronts in Westport and Southport, and compounds in Riverside, Cos Cob and (gosh!) Greenwich and New Canaan.
The criminal class will soon be buying golf course condos in suburban Charlotte it seems.
Posted by guest , Jan 20, 2009 11:45AM
Thank you UBS for blocking Obama inauguration live video from cnn, msnbc & CBS
Posted by merkin capital partners , Jan 20, 2009 11:54AM
@ 9 here's what you missed: young man asked about his feelings, "This is totally unexpectable!"
Outstanding.
Posted by guest , Jan 20, 2009 11:58AM
@9
meh
Posted by guest , Jan 20, 2009 11:59AM
@ 9 - you missed
"Hope and change...hope and change (higher taxes)...hope and change (more deficit spending..."
Posted by guest , Jan 20, 2009 12:00PM
@9: any truth to the rumor they are instead overdubbing one of Phil Gramm's rallies from 1996?
Posted by guest , Jan 20, 2009 12:02PM
they are streaming SS rallies with furher sponsored by Union Bank of Switzeland
Posted by guest , Jan 20, 2009 12:03PM
Where was I when Barack Obama became president of the United States? On Dealbreaker, reading about Steve Cohen's fecal habits.
Nice.
Posted by guest , Jan 20, 2009 12:42PM
@10 LOL! "where's muh free shit? gnomesayin?"
Posted by guest , Jan 20, 2009 2:10PM
first sentence ...may be... not maybe
nice work otherwise
Posted by guest , Jan 20, 2009 3:02PM
How do you have 2.5 toilets? Is the .5 a stand-up urinal?