You know. I have to say that sometimes we worry that our venerable Wall Street institutions have no sense of humor. Turns out there’s nothing to fear, per this handy guide Citi put together for its Smith Barney employees who may be faced with “tough questions” from clients, such as “Your CEO said only six weeks ago that ‘I love that business’ and that it’s not for sale. What happened?” and :
9. Is the Federal government directing you to liquidate businesses to raise
additional capital?
As you know, we do not comment on our discussions with the U.S. Government
or regulators.
[If pressed: Negotiations were not driven by regulators. But regulators are being
updated.]
Morgan Stanley Smith Barney Tough Questions and Answers [PDF]
The “answers” don’t even address the questions:
Q: Did your CEO flip flop?
A: As you know, Citi is a global business and is aggressively capitalizing on this fantastic JV opportunity.
15. Why does DealBreaker keep receiving your internal only correspondence?
It is because it is the most efficient way for management to disseminate information to employees.
soon to follow the infamous quote : ” Convicted? oh no, never convicted!”
@ 3:
No, no. You’re not doing it the Citi way. The correct answer to your hypothetical question #15 would be:
As you are well aware, Citi is a global organization with unparalleled reach and footprint. We will aggressively capitalize on the changing conditions to deliver unrelenting shareholder value and vision.
@2, instant classic
Jones: “I’m innocent.”
Jones: “I know the truth is gonna come out, at the end of the day.”
Gumbel: “And when the truth comes out, you’ll be vindicated?”
Jones: “And I’ll tell you, ‘I told you so.’ ”
Gumbel: “Ever sell dope?”
Jones: “Yeah, I sold dope before.”
Gumbel: “Use dope?”
Jones: “Dope, nah, I’ve smoked marijuana before but no dope.”
22. How does Citi calculate shareholder equity in a time of massive government cash infusions?
Ans. Shareholder equity will continue to be calculated by subtracting liabilities from assets. Using that formula, a positive result is a positive representation of the shareholders interest in Citi. On the other hand, negative equity values are indications of shareholder under-participation; please remit.
Whoever wrote that needs to be ATMd by Ron Jeremy.
@2 why hello bess
@9
Where’s LexSteele when ya need him?
Awesomeness. DB = best financial site ever! ARS, you snatched this yet?
bess, you have no idea how much it warms my heart to know that you took my advice re. the distinction between rectal prolapse and anal prolapse from a few weeks back