As we prepare Part II of The Guide, we thought it would be helpful to give everyone a supplement with updated information critical to your flight after consummating a massive financial fraud. We have culled the massive system of tubes and pipes to give you real-world based guidance. Of course, you should always consult your professional financial, legal and fraud advisers before embarking on a multi-national flight from justice.
Do: Keep a low profile while traveling.
A low profile is key. Hard as it may be to lower yourself to it, Winthorpe, you should be flying coach and looking like an out of work engineer. The time for living a slightly elevated lifestyle (without the attendant social flamboyance) is after your escape, not before or during.
Don't: Wear expensive cowboy boots and show the flight crew your hoard of $4 to $5 million in gold.
Yes. They are very impressed. And now they will never, ever forget your face.
Do: Obtain a second, third and even fourth passport.
Names must become as disposable as Depends undergarments.
Don't: Carry all your passports at the same time in the same bag.
I mean really, do I need to explain this?
Do: Plan to go to [Mexico/Venezuela/Costa Rica/Paraguay/Israel/Switzerland].
The first step in escaping justice in the United States is not being in the United States.
Don't: Return to the United States once you have departed.
Which part of "The first step in escaping justice in the United States is not being in the United States" did you not understand?
Do: Plan your foreign flight carefully.
Obviously, picking a destination at the last minute and without forethought is a bad idea.
Don't: Discuss your plans with anyone.
The point of "foreign flight" is for people not to know where you are. Duh.
Christopher Warren, Fraud Suspect, Caught At Border With $70,000 In Cowboy Boots, $1M In Swiss Bank Certificates [Huffington Post]
HT: EF
Posted by guest , Feb 12, 2009 12:12PM
What is this stupid "Town Hall" Power Lunch?
What freaking moron came up with this idea?
The blessing in disguise is that I can turn CNBC down for the next hour without any worry that Charlie or Faber might break some actual news.
Posted by guest , Feb 12, 2009 12:17PM
love this...
thx
TRB
Posted by guest , Feb 12, 2009 12:22PM
And why is Sue Herera on TV at all?
Have the news networks not learned ANYTHING from Fox News?
Posted by guest , Feb 12, 2009 12:23PM
Raoul Weill is in Switzerland, right?
Posted by guest , Feb 12, 2009 12:25PM
@3
Because Sue has more class than all the bimbos at CNBC and Fox combined.
Posted by guest , Feb 12, 2009 12:37PM
EP is on fire today...good yob
Posted by guest , Feb 12, 2009 12:38PM
This reminds me of an oldie from the sadly now defunct www.satirewire.com
I know it was only 2002, but they seem like more innocent times...
REMAINING U.S. CEOs MAKE A BREAK FOR IT
Band of Roving Chief Executives Spotted Miles from Mexican Border
El Paso, Texas (SatireWire.com) — Unwilling to wait for their eventual indictments, the 10,000 remaining CEOs of public U.S. companies made a break for it yesterday, heading for the Mexican border, plundering towns and villages along the way, and writing the entire rampage off as a marketing expense.
"They came into my home, made me pay for my own TV, then double-booked the revenues," said Rachel Sanchez of Las Cruces, just north of El Paso. "Right in front of my daughters."
Calling themselves the CEOnistas, the chief executives were first spotted last night along the Rio Grande River near Quemado, where they bought each of the town's 320 residents by borrowing against pension fund gains. By late this morning, the CEOnistas had arbitrarily inflated Quemado's population to 960, and declared a 200 percent profit for the fiscal second quarter.
This morning, the outlaws bought the city of Waco, transferred its underperforming areas to a private partnership, and sent a bill to California for $4.5 billion.
Law enforcement officials and disgruntled shareholders riding posse were noticeably frustrated.
"First of all, they're very hard to find because they always stand behind their numbers, and the numbers keep shifting," said posse spokesman Dean Levitt. "And every time we yell 'Stop in the name of the shareholders!', they refer us to investor relations. I've been on the phone all damn morning."
"YOU'LL NEVER AUDIT ME ALIVE!"
The pursuers said they have had some success, however, by preying on a common executive weakness. "Last night we caught about 24 of them by disguising one of our female officers as a CNBC anchor," said U.S. Border Patrol spokesperson Janet Lewis. "It was like moths to a flame."
Also, teams of agents have been using high-powered listening devices to scan the plains for telltale sounds of the CEOnistas. "Most of the time we just hear leaves rustling or cattle flicking their tails," said Lewis, "but occasionally we'll pick up someone saying, 'I was totally out of the loop on that.'"
Posted by guest , Feb 12, 2009 12:38PM
Rumor out of George Clooney's people is that Bernie Madoff is taking Bernie Mac's role in the Ocean's 14 movie.
Posted by guest , Feb 12, 2009 12:50PM
For someone who managed to successfully flee the country on a private jet and switch countries of residence several times with
swiss notes
a shit ton of gold
other metals
several passports, under different names
etc etc
you have to wonder why the fuck he would then be stupid enough to try to re-enter the US. Maybe he was drunk and he knew a skank in Buffalo.
It's too bad, he obviously put some planning into this thing.
Posted by guest , Feb 12, 2009 12:54PM
Too Texas; didn't mess.
Posted by guest , Feb 12, 2009 12:59PM
@9
Maybe he had a craving for some wings?
Posted by guest , Feb 12, 2009 1:04PM
How to escape....
If anything else failed, here are my suggestions:
- Play dead. Pay Borat to fly your body-in-coffin to Kazakstan but the oxygen tank you'll be using is built safe enough not to explode Fedex.
-ask a Mexican friend how to cross the border illegally without being detected by sleepy border guards.
-build a tunnel (yes, better than the one in Egypt-Gaza) along Texas-Mexico border.Being a great entrepreneur charge illegals to pay toll if they want to cross.
Posted by guest , Feb 12, 2009 1:08PM
@9
Posted by guest , Feb 12, 2009 1:08PM
@9
Posted by guest , Feb 12, 2009 1:09PM
@9
Maybe he craved some wings and Genesee?
Posted by guest , Feb 12, 2009 1:16PM
@15 - Genny Screamers are good, but not that good.
Posted by guest , Feb 12, 2009 1:22PM
If he tried to sell gold in Lebanon I would be highly suspect of the authenticity of whatever payment was made in return. The new USD 100's are a direct result of some VERY high quality fakes from there.
Of course, it won't even matter once he is charged with financing terrorism...
Posted by Anal_yst , Feb 12, 2009 1:37PM
How the f*ck do a bunch of fat, fugly, likely midly-functional 20-something's pull off a $100mm fraud?
Honestly, were the mortgage brokers rubber-stamping EVERY document that came across their desks ala S&P/Moody's structured finance groups?
Posted by guest , Feb 12, 2009 1:40PM
@9: Don't make fun of the skanks in Buffalo
-Skank in Buffalo
Posted by guest , Feb 12, 2009 1:46PM
@9: Don't make fun of the skanks in Buffalo.
-Skank from Buffalo
Posted by guest , Feb 12, 2009 2:18PM
@18 Yes.
Posted by guest , Feb 12, 2009 3:38PM
@ 18 Yes. Yes they were.
Posted by guest , Feb 12, 2009 4:06PM
And this is for the benefit of Allen Stanford, one presumes?