Vikram Pandit, John Mack, Lloyd Blankfein and Jamie Dimon are set to testify before Barney Frank and the House Financial Services gang tomorrow to determine who knew what and when. Ahead of the Congressional Shouting Match, Charlie Gasparino has dug deep in a way only he can. His fact finding mission has resulted in two bombshells. The first is that Count Vikula attempted to pull the old “I’d love to be there but I have a previous engagement” line, as though he has something to hide (or suffers from crippling stage fright).
Pandit was apparently so uneasy about his possible appearance that at first he told committee staffers he had a conflict: A long-planned trip to China. The committee, which has subpoena power, told Pandit’s people that it would probably be a smart move if he reconsidered his travel plans. “We said ‘Look, this would appear a little odd if all your peers are all going to be here and you’re not,” said Steven Adamske, a spokesman for the committee. “We said ‘It’s a good idea for you to be here, too.’”
Shortly thereafter, Pandit cancelled his trip and he’s now scheduled to testify. A Citigroup spokesman said: “When the committee inquired about Vikram’s availability for a possible hearing on February 11, we indicated he had a trip scheduled that week. The committee subsequently notified us that the hearing would be held that day and Vikram cancelled his trip in order to participate.”
The second is that these guys feel like scapegoats! and someone doesn’t know his rectals from his anals (and for the offense should be summarily dismissed):
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From the mail bag.
Annoying animation after the jump.
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The tax specialists are apparently doling out bonus ranging from 0 to 10k to associate analysts in equity research today. Down 90 percent on the whole, not 80, like they would have you think.
Related: Bonus Watch ’09: You Get NOTHING (Not Even Toxic Waste)
Be vigilant, my puppets. You know what’s riding on it.
Earlier: We’ve Reached An Agreement
Carlyle is going to have to do without their Gulfstream 450, apparently. Those, of course, are not its only problems.
In December, the firm announced plans to slash 10 percent of its staff–the first layoffs in Carlyle’s 20-year history–and it also said it planned to close down its Silicon Valley office.
Tough times for the mile high club.
The Corporate Jet Exodus: Welcome, Carlyle Group! [Cityfile]
The gangrene that has all but killed Lehman has finally spread to otherwise healthy nether regions. Apparently there were deep cuts at Neuberger Berman this morning. Waiting for comment from Einhorny. Stand by.
Update: We’re told that the reduction in headcount was mostly relegated to “support staff” and, percentage-wise, was single digits.
No love from the Germans: second and third year Structured Products analysts at Deutsche Bank receiving stub bonuses in July are said to have gotten $0. And in a fit of perverse genius from the higher-ups, third years were promoted to associates and given zero increase in base. For their next trick, promotion to CEO, which, after the next set of salary caps, will mean clocking out at $35k.
Over the last 30 years, an American has appeared on the cover of the annual Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue in 16 different years. The average performance of the S&P 500 during those 16 years is a gain of 10.6% with 13 positive years (81.3%). Of the fifteen years where no American appeared on the cover, the S&P 500 has averaged a gain of only 7.2% with 11 positive years (73%).
[...]
Last year’s market decline of 38.5% hurt the overall average return for years when an American appeared on the cover (somebody check Marissa Miller’s passport), illustrating that like the Super Bowl indicator, there are always exceptions to the rule…While this year’s [Israeli born] cover model indicates the less attractive scenario for the market, at this point most investors would probably be pretty happy with a gain of 7.2% in 2009.
Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Indicator [Think Big]
Breathless from his presentation, the Safecracker faces the press in what was supposed to be a puff piece but has become something else entirely.
How could he explain the market’s reaction? The hint that his “neck is on the line”?
Well, it’s complicated, you see. Since we don’t plan to “overpay” for assets, we are going to try to get private firms to overpay for them, which we will subsidize.
The earphone crackles again, “Down ten point one… ten point two…”
Are the banks corrupt and broken?
Sorta. Not really.
“…ten point four… ten point four four…”
It doesn’t sound like you even have a plan figured out yet. Do you?
Steve, we are being very careful. Very cautious. We are going to consult widely. We are going to be open to suggestions. There are lots of ideas out there. No.
How about an example of how this will work?
One of the most acute challenges is the absence of the availability of capital.
No, I’m not kidding. He said that.
We will put together a carefully designed an entirely fictitious valuation for these assets.
On the one hand, we have to give props where props are due– CNBC demonstrated remarkable restraint in not running that line with the “Breaking News” graphic. On the other, seriously, CNBC? Seriously? Was this the conclusion to a series of escalating dares among producers? We’re going to go ahead and assume the answer is ‘yes,’ and provide the somehow less ridiculous ones which came before it:
“Geither: Love Child of Tony Blair and Sloth from the Goonies?”
“Geither: Looking for a good time, sweet cheeks?”
“Geither: Terrorist?”
“Geithner: Is Paulson His Biological Father?”
“Geithner: Is He A Hobbit? Or Does He Just Love Himself Some Of That Hot Hobbit Ass?”
Surely you can do better.
And it’s almost over anyway, so suck it, naysayers! Still, for those of you looking for a mini vacay, might we suggest catching the tail-end of the conference Merrill Lynch is hosting for 400+ brokers at the Orlando Ritz Carlton Golf Resort this week? According to the RC rep we have on payroll, despite the hate heaped on Wells Fargo for an innocent little Vegas trip, so great that it caused the preeminent West Coast bank to cancel the damn thing, everyone in FL seems to be enjoying themselves immensely, particularly the “brokers with golf clubs in hand,” and former Countrywide CEO/current BAC caddy-in-residence Angelo Mozilo. Bank of Amerillwide’s yet to return calls for comment, so we’ll just put the words in their mouth: this was all John Thain’s idea, Ken Lewis knew nothing.
