As you’re aware, Bank of Amerillwide is a serious business, and it’s serious about it’s business of makin’ money. Apparently central to that goal, in BAC’s opinion, is treating your underlings like (circle one) a small child/person you’re trying to bang/invalid, which is why the firm has distributed the following suggestions for interfacing on the job. If you see anything missing from this list, feel free to speak up.
HR run amok
100. Lie to them and say ‘no’ if they ask you if the pants they are wearing make their ass look big.
that is incredible
101. Ask them if they have lost weight, even when you know they haven’t.
100 – Offer to write a recommendation to business school.
101 – Serve as a reference for the interview process.
yada yada
101. always invite them to join in the circle jerk
#1 Learn and remember their name, so when you tell them they are being laid off you can make the message more personal.
4 rounds of cuts, but they keep the middle school counselors that come up with this garbage.
“97. plan public recognition events for them”
seriously?!
102. When they fuck up the marks on the MBS portfolio and lead the bank to overstate earnings by $1.3B, take them out for cocoa and tell them isn’t their fault, its the market’s fault.
significance of #69 being “say yes a lot”?
Tell them that money isn’t everything.
100. Let them take Good Friday off.
@10 FTW
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3MiD_U4CHQ
haha @13
#67 “Ask them about themselves.”
So now the totalitarians in HR want us to ask them questions that might get all parties involved sued?
Tell them that $1.2m to remodel their office is very reasonable and compliment them on how their $35,115 commode on legs compliments their $1,405 parchment waste can.
Ask them how much of their bonus they plan to put with Madoff, since that will be the only thing that BAC’s stock outperforms.
100. put their name into one of our “associate appreciate” email templates
101. put their name into our “associate appreciate” email templates, and this time remember to fill out all fields, so they don’t get another “Dear , We are writing to recognize . . . signed, ” mail
Just another product of the “everybody is special!” culture we live in. Maybe everyone can get trophys at the end of the year to celebrate the joy of participation. This looks like a list provided to deal with a retarded 6 year old.
If you want your feelings validated and your manager to jerk you off go work for the god damn red cross.
#125: Remind them that 9 out of 10 pitchbooks they stay until 3am to complete will likely end up papering an MD’s birdcage
-MoneygripWisdom
Extend an offer to the cute girl in HR to finance breast implants if she spends the weekend with you in Vegas and doesn’t let your wife find out about it all.
101 – Finger them every Thursday lunctime
102- Offer to massage their prostate every month
103- pretend to give a shit about their children
104- Don’t roll your eyes and sigh every time they come within 25ft of you
105- Tell them how attractive you think their wife is
106 – Tell them how unattractive you think your wife is
107- Suggest wife swapping parties
100 – get rid of spirit points
112. Laugh it off when they give you a gorilla mask.
113. Share in the fun when they gang up and give the jerk with a private bathroom an upper decker.
100 – get rid of spirit points
@7 hits the nail on the head
This list is so CLEARLY out of Charlotte.
If it came out of SF, it would say, “take them nature hiking.”
If it came out of NY, it would say, “tell them to get the f*ck out of your way, and that there are 20 people on the Street who could do their job, so they’d better f*cking get to it.”
Offer KY for sale in the vending machines around bonus time so employees don’t have to be without when they walk into your office to receive their numbers.
When doing them doggy, karate chop their arms out from under them and…oh wait wrong list.
Jesus. If anyone actually did all of the above, I’d file a restraining order against them.
It warms my heart that BofA is doing their part to integrate the mentally impaired population into mainstream society. I think this list should be incorporated into TARP guidelines.
@28- well considering charlotte is the BAC headquarters, i’d say the place is fucked.
Build them a brand new jungle gym. It worked for Obama.
Remind them the list for the next round of layoffs is being drawn up on the day after Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.
100. Just hop on the bus Gus
101. Just drop off the key Lee
102. Set yourself free
Remind them that working for free is not a right, it is a privilege.
Barry O
Everytime a H.R-tard gets the axe a child is cured of cancer.
or you can buy them a PWD and name it bo
Laugh at them for actually having paid their income taxes and explain that paying income taxes is so “Bush administration.”
Gimme back that fillet-o-fish
Give me that fish!
I can only imagine how many (wo)man hours this took to compile and produce, I’m guessing at least 1,000, and that still may be way off, sigh… HR: THE self-propagating division.
@ 30 I just spit Coke Zero on my keyboard…well played
114 After they narrowly escape death on a plane in the Hudson River ask them for the US Air reimpursement money back, but say pretty pretty please with sugar on top and a cherry.
Assign employees unique identifying numbers for ease of identification and tatoo the numbers on their forearms.
I wish this sand was not in my vagina.
@43- you drink coke zero.
gay.
@30- why do you give a shit a man bought his two young daughters a dog? it’s not like he bought ken lewis a dog for being such a good boy.
Anyone wonder why “reward them for their work” is last on the list?
below such notables as “be happy”, “be spontaneous”
how in god’s name did trust falls not make this list?
@ 46
@ 43 here
Cut me some slack I am trying to “deleverage” my waist line
why isn’t ‘Pay Them’ on this list?
Send one of them a cheesesteak
I refuse to believe this is real.
@AB- I work at BAC (posting from an iphone of course, bastards) and sadly I can tell you it is.
@54. I’m putting in a couple of lines of credit with Bank of America. Do I need to apply some or all of the 99 items to the people I deal with or does it only apply to intra-BofA relationships?
The font is kinda small. Is #25 “Put them on their back often”?
101. Wana blow job?
102. A little doggy?
101. Wanna blow job?
102. A little doggy?
101. Wanna blow job?
102. Wanna doggy?
@56- it’s “pat them on their back often,” though yours certainly would fit with this list.
Pay them for the hours they actually work?
@ 25 & 27
BofA got rid of spirit points at the end of last year because they didn’t want the Merrill guys to feel left out.
http://dealbreaker.com/2008/12/bank-of-america-swaps-spirit-f.php
#115 – institute a danza slap Tuesday
@30 – congratulations on post of the week for me. I’ve stopped posting at work for compliance reasons but you made me laugh so much today that I had to walk off the desk when I read your post.
- Fixed Income