April 2009

  • News

    Know Your Treasury Personnel: James “Tall, bald and blunt” Lambright

    We’re going to be working with these government people for the foreseeable future so it’s probably best we throw back a few and get the inter-office groping out the way now, right? Right. First on your list: James Lambright, chief investment officer of the Troubled Asset Relief Program. You’ll want a cheat sheet of stuff […]

    / Apr 7, 2009 at 8:51 AM
  • News

    Just Be Grateful They’ve Mastered Paying The Electric Bill

    Apparently Citi had a li’l slip up with its 401(k) match last week, for current and former employees, across the company. Some people received thousands more than they were supposed to get, others much less than they were owed. Big C’s all over the problem now, though, having taken the money back (presumably transferring it […]

    / Apr 7, 2009 at 8:15 AM
  • News

    Madoffs: The First Conjugal Visit

    Presumably. Gotta figure 50-50 chance, right? Anyway, yes, Ruth Madoff visited her husband last night for the first time since he started bunking at the Metropolitan Correctional Center, shrouded in black as though she were a grieving widow (and let’s be honest, girlfriend’s most likely mourning the death of her money/old life). Check out ten […]

    / Apr 7, 2009 at 6:55 AM
  • News

    Sir Stanford: “You’re F’ing Right I’m Gonna Fight”

    ABC News offered a sneak peak of its interview with accused Ponzier Allen Stanford in print form yesterday, and while they mostly gave it all away, watching the whole thing go down in live action is very much worth it. First off, we assumed this was going to be a studio sit-down with reporter Brian […]

    / Apr 7, 2009 at 6:33 AM
  • News

    Opening Bell: 04.07.09

    Ford Pays Down Debt (WSJ) This has to be humiliating for GM, who’s still facing bankruptcy on the heels of having Wagoner pushed into the ever-loving land of canasta. “Ford Motor Co. said Monday its investors agreed to exchange $9.9 billion in debt for cash and stock, ratcheting up the pressure on its struggling U.S. […]

    / Apr 7, 2009 at 6:15 AM
  • News

    Write-Offs: 04.06.09

    $$$ Conn. AG questions credit rating company bailout money [AP] $$$ Wall Street bankers are still best paid [The Deal] $$$ The Bernie Madoff Real-Estate Agency [NYM] $$$ Level the Field, a non-profit that seeks to develop partnerships between collegiate athletic programs and middle schools in order to create a mentoring program for adolescent students […]

    / Apr 6, 2009 at 5:26 PM
  • News

    Dollar Dominatrix: You People Should Be Quaking In Your Boots

    Double D: “There’s more reason to be scared of the financials,” and analysts bearing spreaders and truss bars.

    / Apr 6, 2009 at 4:30 PM
  • News

    Departures At Blue Mountain?

    Mailbag: Resignations are hitting. Two in NY and one in London. The London one was their bank analyst, Vincent Cooper. Losing your global financial analyst means at least you can still trade the 10% of non-financial debt in the world. Earlier: Unfounded Rumor Of The Morning, Blue Mountain Edition

    / Apr 6, 2009 at 3:57 PM
  • News

    [Raises Palm] You Know What This Means? It Means You’re About To Get Slapped, So You Better Shut Up. I’ll Do It, I’ll Slap The Shit Out Of You. [Slaps…Slaps…Slappity Slap Slap Slaps…Slaps] There, There’s Another Slap!

    Um yeahhh. So ABC News is airing an interview with accused Ponzier Sir Allen Stanford tonight and if the excerpts are any indication, it’s going to be fantastic television. No, seriously I will cut off your dick and stick it in my ear if it’s a Ponzi scheme. “I would die and go to hell […]

    / Apr 6, 2009 at 3:18 PM
  • News

    Everyone Will Be Looking Then!

    We don’t know about you, but we think that the ideal thing for companies under siege at present is to increase their cost base to build reputation points with Washington in the hopes that they will be able to jump in line when the time for the next food drop comes along- it’s getting really […]

    / Apr 6, 2009 at 2:30 PM
  • News

    Rock And A Hard Place

    Believe it or not, the U.K. Treasury is a bit more accountable than its counterpart in the United States. Insane spending programs may finally get the likes of Daniel Hannan, MEP to rise and deliver a stinging rebuke to Gordon “The Devalued Prime Minister of a Devalued Government” Brown, but it does even more damage […]

    / Apr 6, 2009 at 2:05 PM
  • News

    A Self-Described “Chinese Warren Buffett”? A “Win-Win” Situation? Failing To See What Could Possibly Go Here…

    A federal judge agreed to freeze the assets of a man accused of running a multimillion-dollar Ponzi scheme and fraud targeting Chinese-Americans, primarily near Dallas. The Securities and Exchange Commission charged Weizhen Tang, who describes himself as the Chinese Warren Buffett, and a Canadian-based hedge fund that he controls. The agency accused Tang of raising […]

    / Apr 6, 2009 at 1:23 PM
  • News

    Prince Alwaleed Needs Your Help

    First, he gets displaced by the US gov as Citi’s single largest shareholder, and the preferential treatment that comes with it, like A to M, in the event it was requested. Now, he’s currently clocking in at dead last in Time’s (mostly irrelevant) ranking of 2008’s most influential people. That means he’s less influential than […]

    / Apr 6, 2009 at 1:13 PM
  • News

    Who Should Throw Out The First Pitch At Citi Field?

    ‘Cause it’s not gonna be Count Vikula, we’ll tell you that much! In normal times, a company with its name on a baseball stadium would be flattered to have the chief executive take part in the opening-day festivities. But these are not normal times. So do not expect Vikram S. Pandit, Citigroup’s chief executive, to […]

    / Apr 6, 2009 at 12:18 PM
  • News

    Black Magic Solvency

    Soros puts clean and concise words to what many of us already mutter to ourselves manically while in line at Shake Shack: “…the banking system as a whole is basically insolvent….” How often have we muttered these same words in chant-like monotony, invoked the talisman of the Chapter of Seven and waited for intervention to […]

    / Apr 6, 2009 at 12:05 PM
  • News

    Merkin Charged, (Madame) Madoff Still Living Large

    The Journal reports that Andrew Cuomo has charged Ezra Merkin “with civil fraud for steering $2.4 billion to Madoff without telling investors.” In related news, Daily Beast sources say Palm Beach “resident” Ruth Madoff is still hiding assets in her bra while sister-in-law Sondra slums it up. As Ruth Madoff swept into Palm Beach last […]

    / Apr 6, 2009 at 11:28 AM
  • News

    Ball Park It. Are We Talkin’ Like Calling Up Prosties Once In A Blue Moon To Blow Off Steam Or Were You Bangin’ Hooks On The Reg-U-Lar For The Past Decade?

    Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy As you’re aware, Eliot Spitzer’s been trying to talk AIG for the last couple weeks, which is what he would’ve been doing anyway but from a more authoritative post had he not fucked a hooker last year and been forced to resign from […]

    / Apr 6, 2009 at 11:18 AM
  • News

    Throw The Stress Ball

    So you know those stress tests all the big guys took? Yes, you do. Don’t play dumb. The ones that were based on awful economic assumptions intended to be a “worst case” scenario analysis about what would happen if things got “this bad?” Yes, the one that had unemployment at 8.4% for a baseline “this […]

    / Apr 6, 2009 at 10:59 AM
  • News

    Jimmy Cayne Still Holding Out For Something Better

    No more waking up at noon to reposition himself on the couch for the remainder of the day– Dick Fuld now has a legit reason to get out of bed in the morning! Deal Journal reports the old boy has found gainful employment at Matrix Advisors, joyous news his assistant (E to the C?) wasted […]

    / Apr 6, 2009 at 10:51 AM
  • News

    We’re keeping our expectations very,very low. Basically, we’re just looking for mammals. That’s our bottom line, and we’re really very flexible on that, too.

    As part of an ongoing effort to refine the guidelines and enhance the effectiveness of the Financial Stability Plan programs, the Treasury Department today released additional guidance for potential investors in the securities portion of the Public Private Investment Program (PPIP). The new guidance extends the deadline for application to the program and clarifies that […]

    / Apr 6, 2009 at 10:15 AM
  • News

    “Be selective about whom you let past the velvet rope, limiting the ‘filler’ in favor of the hip, with just enough bankers to make a profit but not to make the crowd too square.”

    Here’s that “groundbreaking” study on Marquee you’ve undoubtedly been forwarded 100 times, conducting by some pioneering HBS grads (and one prof). Marquee HBS Case [PDF]

    / Apr 6, 2009 at 10:10 AM
  • News

    Opening Bell: 04.06.09

    Geithner Warns Of Executive Ousting. Again. (FT) There’s too many things wrong with all this to single out just one, overly devastating line of bullshit. For instance: the banks don’t need any more money, and if they do, they need to fail (and yes, I realize all too well the inherent consequences). There’s also the […]

    / Apr 6, 2009 at 7:47 AM
  • News

    Karma Is An Inedible Slice Of “Pizza” Best Served Cold

    The following weekend update is brought to you by commenter anal_yst. Something new we’re trying out. By now you’ve all undoubtedly read with great outrage that Larry Summers made a few mil’ last year, and/or whatever other headlines populate the front page of your favorite business news website. I won’t regurgitate shit you already know. […]

    / Apr 5, 2009 at 11:35 AM
  • News

    Hedge Fund Performance: 03/30-04/03

    / Apr 4, 2009 at 12:15 PM
  • News

    Write-Offs: 04.03.09

    $$$ The Impersonator: Marc Dreier [NYM] $$$ Charlie Gasparino: Don’t Blame Hank Greenberg For AIG [TDB] $$$ Which banks will fail next? [The Deal]

    / Apr 3, 2009 at 5:56 PM
  • News

    Fed Attempts To Jump The Sharks

    Demonizing sources of capital has consequences. The same is true of creating a market environment that is so unpredictable and subject to the slings and arrows of populist ire that no one wants to dip a toe in. Consider the current TALF situation: “I can do very well for my clients without venturing into federal […]

    / Apr 3, 2009 at 5:02 PM
  • News

    The Obama Portfolio

    Heading for the 20 handle. The Obama Portfolio (Since Inception): +19.50% Earlier: The Obama Portfolio

    / Apr 3, 2009 at 4:08 PM
  • News

    Ken Lewis: A (Drunk) Man With Nothing To Lose

    A lot of people are losing it over the “pitchforks” comment that came out of Barack and The Bankers’ lunch date last Friday. And that’s a terrible shame, because it’s overshadowing this little ray of hilarity, brought to us by the good people at the Boone’s factory, who had the foresight to package that shit […]

    / Apr 3, 2009 at 3:56 PM

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