So when we heard that the famous “stress tests” had three ranks, something dawned on us…

Sources told The Post that banks examined as part of the stress test are expected to be assigned one of three rankings: top tier institutions that are capable of operating even in the most dour conditions, those that aren’t and those that fit somewhere in the middle.

…the rankings simply suck. That led us to an idea.
It is no secret that we consider you, our readers, Associates here at Dealbreaker. And, in keeping with recent efforts to find ways to value associates, we’d like to solicit your opinion in a way that permits you to share your feelings, make decisions and the like as it were. In fact, we think we are nicely tagging rules 3, 4, 5, 9, 10, 12, 15, 23, 30, 31, 32, 34, 40, 42, 44, 45, 50, 51, 54, 56, 66, 68, 71, 75, 80, 86 and 87 at the same time when we ask for your assistance here: Let’s help the Treasury spice these up.
As we read it, the current grades are:

1. Capable of operating even in the most dour conditions
2. Somewhere in the middle
3. Not capable of operating even in the most dour conditions

We think this can be improved upon. Perhaps:

1. Excellent
2. Average
3. Poor

Or maybe:

1. Exceeds expectations
2. Meets expectations
3. Citi

Bankers always love a good drinking metaphor, so maybe:

1. Louis XIII
2. Chopin Vodka
3. Ken Lewis’ Moonshine

You get the idea. If you do well, we’ll consider invoking Rule 99. (We have to warn you though. Fail us and it’s Rule 85 for everyone).
Go!
Stress Test Dud [The New York Post]

We shudder to imagine what the post-call note, being crafted as we speak, will look like, considering new CFO Ned Kelly refused to answer Mayo’s question as to what the “style changes” at Citi will be under his leadership, offering only “I’ll let you be the judge of that.”

Mail call: “Effective today, Citi/Smith Barney just cut commission rate in 1/2 for employees buying Citi stock.”

UBS announced Wednesday it had plans to ax everyone (actual figure: 8-large or so), and apparently the Swiss are really moving their asses on this one. Supposedly “hardcore” cuts will start going down today.

Citi: Not Dead Yet (WSJ)
Analysts were looking for, well, death from Citi, but in spite of all their negative energy Pandit and crew pulled their shit together to post a net income of $1.59B and an EPS loss of 18 cents per share on a 24 cent charge. Full release from Citi here, conference call at 8:30.
Let’s Get This Out In The Open: Liddy Owns Some Goldman (NYT)
“Mr. Liddy earned most of his holdings in Goldman, worth more than $3 million total, as compensation for serving on the bank’s board and its audit committee until he stepped down in September to take the job at A.I.G. He moved to A.I.G. at the request of Henry M. Paulson Jr., then the Treasury secretary and a former Goldman director.
Details about his holdings were disclosed in Goldman’s proxy statement and confirmed by an A.I.G. spokeswoman, who said they constituted “a small percentage of his total net worth.” Mr. Liddy had already owned some stock in Goldman Sachs before joining its board in 2003.”
Banking Industry Showing Signs Of Recovery (NYT)
After a couple of months of living out of dumpsters and being chased by half-lunatic beard yielding women in pink shirts it appears the banking industry is on it’s way back up; a good sign for everyone in the unemployment line, I’m sure. Banks get better when they’re left alone to do what they do: make money. Bankers get better when properly pickled and left to dry, but that’s another story.
New circle chart from the Journal, and this one’s interactive.
Lehman Failure Might Have Been A Mistake (Bloomberg)
“We were drunk, and you know, Ben was half naked and covered in war paint with a fucking feather sticking out of his hair. None of us were in the right place. We just, Lehman, we thought, could go fuck themselves.”
OR
“The impact of Lehman’s failure “was devastating,” Yellen said yesterday after a speech in New York. “That’s when this crisis took a quantum leap up in terms of seriousness.”
Your choice.

Continue reading »

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