Yes, that’s why we told you so Tuesday. But just to reiterate: it’s really happening.
Archive for April 2009
Stanford Financial Employees Encouraged To Send “Get-Well Soon” E-Mails And Flowers To Allen Stanford By Ponzier’s Future Mother-in-Law
By Bess Levin
The following email has been circulating among Stanford Financial employees, purportedly sent by the mother of Sir Stan’s fiancé, Andrea Stoelker. Apparently the tearful Stanford is “heartbroken” over everything that’s happened (mostly the matter of being robbed of his rightful place on Forbes‘ richest list), and hasn’t stopped crying since being interviewed outside a bar in Houston a few weeks back. Now, more than ever, he needs your strength. Send words of encouragement to RASfriends324@gmail.com, and pipe bombs to whatever happens to be the address of the SEC, the pigs who did this to him, and who cost you your jobs.
In these tough times, every so often, it’s best to restate one’s goals (making money), and achieve stated goals by getting back to basics.
From: [redacted]
Sent: Wednesday, April 15, 2009 3:22 PM
To: +MER IBK (US-NY-E&P)
Subject: New Staffer in town
Team-
Wanted to formally announce [redacted] as the new Associate and Analyst staffer. In addition, wanted to thank [redacted] for his service to the group. [redacted] was dedicated, professional and fair. I know that he will provide [redacted] with a smooth transition. Given the uncertain times we continue to live with, I think it is critical for everyone to agree to a set of guidelines for staffing that will accomplish all of our objectives:
* generating revenue
* working on interesting transactions for clients
* building our franchise and reputation
* working in an environment that is pleasant and rewarding
To that end, we have designed some principles that we hope will align with these objectives. Given the change in staffing and our move to OBP, we have the opportunity to make a clean break from some practices of the past that have not worked so well and to also be mindful of the current market environment in the way we allocate resources going
forward. Below are the general guidelines to which I would like to ask all of you to adhere. Certainly, business and clients come first so if the situation warrants we can always make exceptions – but these exceptions will be granted on a case-by-case basis.
If you are going to Ponzi, do it right. For instance, don’t waste your time on a Hummer or something. Get yourself an Aston Martin. Peter Madoff has one.
…liquidators claim “in March and May 2008, Bernard Madoff caused wire transfers from MSIL accounts to be made to the Aston Martin company in the amounts of £35,000 and £100,000, respectively, for a total of £135,000 ($237,600), in order to enable the purchase of a vintage Aston Martin automobile, model number DB2/4 1964 … for Mr. Madoff’s brother Peter Madoff.”
I mean there’s ponzi and then there’s Ponzi. Just ask the Noels.
Peter Madoff’s $235,000 Company Car [ABC News]
So, you know how everyone’s steaming mad over AIG bailouts and bonuses and breasts (little known fact: a certain AIG-FP exec’s wife got her new and improved rack on the company dime. True story). You know what might get the masses even more enraged? If we dug up some guy with an admittedly sad story and exploited him in the name of justice! Like John Woodson, a “blind amputee [who's] had to fight AIG for a new plastic leg [and] wheel chair.” But this is just the beginning. Did AIG shoot your three-legged puppy (stricken with leukemia at the time)? Did it send over a bunch of employees to gang-bang your Holocaust-surviving grandmother? Let us know.
Like, say, “General Growth Partners?”
Well, at present, a lot of bankruptcy headache. It’s not exactly a surprise, as GGP, the massive mall manager, has been flirting with bankruptcy protection for some time now, but the devil is in the details. One of our least favorite is this: Bill Ackman holds about 25% of the firm and will provide $375 million in financing through the bankruptcy process. Ackman believes that the “equity will survive the process,” and he may be right, but he makes us so nervous we can barely stand still. First Target (we know, we know, the jury is still out on Target, we believe in you BA!), now this?
Ending months of speculation, General Growth, along with 158 of its more than 200 U.S. malls, filed for Chapter 11 protection from creditors while it tries to restructure some of its debt. Its joint-venture properties and third-party management business were not included in the bankruptcy.
The Chicago-based company, which owns such valuable malls as Fashion Show in Las Vegas and Faneuil Hall Marketplace in Boston, listed total assets of $29.56 billion and total debt of $27.29 billion.
Our fingers are crossed!
General Growth files for bankruptcy protection [Reuters]
Finished giving the investing community a crash course in things to not do if you desire to avoid having your name mentioned in the press in conjunction with “massive fraud” that is! For those of you just joining us, please review the notes from yesterday’s lesson, which include but are in no way limited to: don’t steal $3 million from your former employer, don’t allow “tough-looking men” to drop by the office during business hours “all the time,” don’t throw stacks of $10,000 at a bunch of girls from the office on the way back from a trip to Vegas (or at least don’t take pics), and don’t tell your partner “I want you to know we are in a Ponzi scheme.” Moving on!
Today we look at leaving major funds in your $4 billion private equity firm unaudited. It’s just not a good idea. Makes haters say stuff like, “this is a red flag.”
Now, in the event that you’ve already made this mistake, don’t panic. Just devise a statement. I’m sure what you want to say, and I don’t at all blame you, is basically, “Who the fuck are you to put me on trial? I’ve never even met you.” Rather, though, consider something like this:
A spokesman for PEMGroup said the lack of an auditor at some funds isn’t a problem. “Investors can look at any and all records they so choose,” said the spokesman, Mike Sitrick. He said one investor, which he didn’t name, recently brought in its own auditor to comb through the books of a PEMGroup fund and “came away completely satisfied.” He added that investors are aware some funds are unaudited before they put in money and that some funds do provide for external auditors.
Maybe that sort of shit would fly with, I don’t know, Meredith Whitney, but not with this guy. Dimon should count himself lucky it requires too much effort on Mike’s part to unshackle the Mayo Jar, which is kept taped down during the day so as not to scare small children who are at eye-level with it, otherwise he’d be in the awkward position of having to tell people how his teeth got knocked out.
Cuts are said to be going down in Citi GWM circa right this second.
To LB from JD:
Here’s my notes from our late night edit session. I’ve got to send this to the printer posthaste. Let me know what you think or if I missed anything.
Let’s face it. 2008 blew.In the annals of annual reports, 2008 has the feel of anal warts.(See what I did there? Still, you’re right. Too up-beat given the new positive press on anal cancer). In last year’s shareholder letter, I referred tofeeling like we had ridden bare-assed across 60 meters of broken glass covered asphalt(Big auto is on the outs. Let’s go with the airplane metaphors instead). the “turbulence” and “unprecedented” nature of events that had taken place during the preceding months.Despite the fact that we predicted a quick recovery.Though our estimates of the duration of the crisis were totally off.Our analysts dropped the ball on ourWe did not know when the cycle would end or the extent of the damage it would cause. But we did know that we had to “prepare forassrape the likes of which even a warf whore could not appreciate(Tim is sensitive about this term. Let’s elide it). a severe economic downturn.”When it became obvious that government money was going to be available in size.Never one to turn away a profit.Collectively, we resolved to navigate through the tough conditions, to help our clients in every way we could and to show leadership in the industry, as has been our legacy during times of crisis.After 12 moons.(You’re right. Too pagan now that Bush is out of office. Worked nicely last year though.) It is now a year later. What transpired was largely unprecedented and virtually inconceivable. Our firm tried to meet every challenge, and, in the process, we distinguished ourselves in our service to clients and communities.Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties, and so bear ourselves that if the firm and its subsidiaries last for a thousand years, men will still say, ‘This was their finest hour.’(I loved it last night, it sounds very… British this morning) Although our financial results were weak in absolute terms (but fairly good in relative terms), reflecting terrible market conditions, I believe–and I hope you agree–that this year may have been one of our finest.
Like any firm, we would like to live a long life. Longevity has its place. But I’m not concerned about that now. I just want to do Adam Smith’s will. And He’s allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I’ve looked over. And I’ve seen the promised land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a firm, will get to the promised land.(I still don’t understand what your objection to this line has to do with the new President, but if it upsets you so much, fine). The way forward will not be easy. We do not know what the future will bring, but we do know that it will require everyone–the banks, the regulators and the government — to work together and get it right. As we prepare for a very tough 2009, with most signs pointing to continued deterioration of the economy, we still remain long-term optimists about our future and that of our country. Whatever may come, we will meet the challenge.
(I really am not sure I like the new version as much. It lacks… punch. But I agree, in times like these it’s better to stay a bit under the radar. I still don’t understand why the “Mountaintop” piece doesn’t work with this Administration, but you know that storming out on me like that always gets you your way so fine).
- JD
Annual Letter To Shareholders / Proxy Statement [JP Morgan Chase]
You will be happy to know that some people are out there right now, tirelessly fighting for your rights. That is, the rights of the little guy. That is, the rights of the mutual fund investor. I mean, the rights of mutual fund managers. You get the idea.
The funds argue the leverage provided through TALF carries no risk to the borrower because it’s done through what are known as non-recourse loans, which they assert should not be considered a form of leverage.
If they get their way, it would enable mutual funds — and thus individual investors — to have a bigger role in buying up assets, which could help kick-start a program that thus far has been slow to catch on.
Why, after all, shouldn’t mutual funds be able to participate in wholesale manipulation and bailout sleight of hand with the same ease and slime greased grace as other massive institutions? Sure, sure, the leverage issue. But it’s not REAL leverage, is it? I mean, it’s not like there’s actually any real risk to the borrower? What do you mean “shut the hell up?” No one is listening. Look, I just mean that there are a ton of fees to earn… that is… opportunities for individual investors to benefit.
Mutual Mission [The New York Post]
