April 2009

  • News

    Hold Their Hand. Stroke Their Hair. Be There To Wipe Their Tears.

    As you’re aware, Bank of Amerillwide is a serious business, and it’s serious about it’s business of makin’ money. Apparently central to that goal, in BAC’s opinion, is treating your underlings like (circle one) a small child/person you’re trying to bang/invalid, which is why the firm has distributed the following suggestions for interfacing on the […]

    / Apr 17, 2009 at 9:35 AM
  • News

    Layoffs Watch ’09: UBS

    UBS announced Wednesday it had plans to ax everyone (actual figure: 8-large or so), and apparently the Swiss are really moving their asses on this one. Supposedly “hardcore” cuts will start going down today.

    / Apr 17, 2009 at 8:58 AM
  • News

    Opening Bell: 04.17.09

    Citi: Not Dead Yet (WSJ) Analysts were looking for, well, death from Citi, but in spite of all their negative energy Pandit and crew pulled their shit together to post a net income of $1.59B and an EPS loss of 18 cents per share on a 24 cent charge. Full release from Citi here, conference […]

    / Apr 17, 2009 at 8:02 AM
  • News

    Write-Offs: 04.16.09

    $$$ Barry Diller is not eating that. [NYM] $$$ “News flash: this program was not designed for Harvard College,” she said, drawing laughter from the audience. [Crimson] $$$ Ditch the Jet: It’s Cool to Fly Commercial [Wealth Report] $$$ SemGroup examiner’s report [PDF] $$$ Dollar Dominatrix On JPM Q1 [PDF]

    / Apr 16, 2009 at 5:45 PM
  • News

    “What Is Going To Happen To The Other Kids, Huh?”

    Maybe it is just us, but there are a number of things that just scream “wishful thinking.” Like the return of Growing Pains to television, a re-do on the OJ Simpson trial, owning your own private island, or a widely successful debt-for-equity swap at General Motors. General Motors Corp. is planning to make a formal […]

    / Apr 16, 2009 at 5:28 PM
  • News

    The Obama Portfolio: Sideways

    The Obama Portfolio (Since Inception): +22.23% Earlier: The Obama Portfolio

    / Apr 16, 2009 at 4:49 PM
  • News

    Is JPMorgan Dismantling F.A.S.T.?

    Yes, that’s why we told you so Tuesday. But just to reiterate: it’s really happening.

    / Apr 16, 2009 at 3:51 PM
  • News

    Stanford Financial Employees Encouraged To Send “Get-Well Soon” E-Mails And Flowers To Allen Stanford By Ponzier’s Future Mother-in-Law

    The following email has been circulating among Stanford Financial employees, purportedly sent by the mother of Sir Stan’s fiancé, Andrea Stoelker. Apparently the tearful Stanford is “heartbroken” over everything that’s happened (mostly the matter of being robbed of his rightful place on Forbes‘ richest list), and hasn’t stopped crying since being interviewed outside a bar […]

    / Apr 16, 2009 at 3:29 PM
  • News

    Bank Of Amerillwide: Generating Revenue Begins By Getting To The Office On Time

    In these tough times, every so often, it’s best to restate one’s goals (making money), and achieve stated goals by getting back to basics. From: [redacted] Sent: Wednesday, April 15, 2009 3:22 PM To: +MER IBK (US-NY-E&P) Subject: New Staffer in town Team- Wanted to formally announce [redacted] as the new Associate and Analyst staffer. […]

    / Apr 16, 2009 at 3:19 PM
  • News

    Antitrust Is Back Home Early

    And you thought antitrust had no surprises left in it. Far from it. Even the threat of extended reviews (six to nine months in this case) is still enough to blow a chilly breeze over the swollen nether regions of about-to-merge firms. In fact, Mom’s sudden appearance at the door (“I thought you were going […]

    / Apr 16, 2009 at 2:56 PM
  • News

    A Different Class of Ponzi

    If you are going to Ponzi, do it right. For instance, don’t waste your time on a Hummer or something. Get yourself an Aston Martin. Peter Madoff has one. …liquidators claim “in March and May 2008, Bernard Madoff caused wire transfers from MSIL accounts to be made to the Aston Martin company in the amounts […]

    / Apr 16, 2009 at 1:35 PM
  • News

    A Call For Submissions: Share Your Exploitive AIG Stories

    So, you know how everyone’s steaming mad over AIG bailouts and bonuses and breasts (little known fact: a certain AIG-FP exec’s wife got her new and improved rack on the company dime. True story). You know what might get the masses even more enraged? If we dug up some guy with an admittedly sad story […]

    / Apr 16, 2009 at 12:59 PM
  • News

    What’s In A Name?

    Like, say, “General Growth Partners?” Well, at present, a lot of bankruptcy headache. It’s not exactly a surprise, as GGP, the massive mall manager, has been flirting with bankruptcy protection for some time now, but the devil is in the details. One of our least favorite is this: Bill Ackman holds about 25% of the […]

    / Apr 16, 2009 at 12:46 PM
  • News

    Danny Peng Far From Finished

    Finished giving the investing community a crash course in things to not do if you desire to avoid having your name mentioned in the press in conjunction with “massive fraud” that is! For those of you just joining us, please review the notes from yesterday’s lesson, which include but are in no way limited to: […]

    / Apr 16, 2009 at 11:24 AM
  • News

    JPMorgan May Be Better Than Its Peers But That’s Not Good Enough For Mike Mayo

    Maybe that sort of shit would fly with, I don’t know, Meredith Whitney, but not with this guy. Dimon should count himself lucky it requires too much effort on Mike’s part to unshackle the Mayo Jar, which is kept taped down during the day so as not to scare small children who are at eye-level […]

    / Apr 16, 2009 at 10:56 AM
  • News

    Layoffs Watch ’09: Citi

    Cuts are said to be going down in Citi GWM circa right this second.

    / Apr 16, 2009 at 10:39 AM
  • News

    Letter To Shareholders: Last Edits

    To LB from JD: Here’s my notes from our late night edit session. I’ve got to send this to the printer posthaste. Let me know what you think or if I missed anything. Let’s face it. 2008 blew. In the annals of annual reports, 2008 has the feel of anal warts. (See what I did […]

    / Apr 16, 2009 at 10:33 AM
  • News

    Looking Out For The Big Guy Who Looks Out For The Little Guy

    You will be happy to know that some people are out there right now, tirelessly fighting for your rights. That is, the rights of the little guy. That is, the rights of the mutual fund investor. I mean, the rights of mutual fund managers. You get the idea. The funds argue the leverage provided through […]

    / Apr 16, 2009 at 9:56 AM
  • News

    New Mission: Get This Guy In A Room With Ken Lewis*

    Until recently- this morning- we’d never heard of “Reverend Billy,” an anti-consumerism preacher and leader of “The Church Of Life After Shopping,” which was decidedly our loss. Sure, we couldn’t help but notice the megaphone-wielding dude in the blue suit from the picture commenter anal_yst sent us yesterday from the demonstration down at AIG, but […]

    / Apr 16, 2009 at 9:48 AM
  • News

    Jamie Dimon Is Testy This Morning!

    Gird your loins JPMorgan conference call participants! Boy toy CEO Jamie Dimon just gave it to Guy Moszkowski cold, telling the Merrill Lynch analyst, “Maybe you should let someone else ask a question, Guy.” Update: Dimon closes the call by asking, “Any more questions– GUY– YOU got anything?”

    / Apr 16, 2009 at 8:39 AM
  • News

    NBC Cracking Down On CNBC Obama Bashing?

    General Electric CEO Jeffrey Immelt and NBC Universal prez Jeff Zucker recently held a super secret dinner meeting with a bunch of CNBC “top suits” and on-air talent to congratulate the business network for doing such a bang up job throughout the financial crisis. Or did they? It’s what CNBC flack Brian Steel would like […]

    / Apr 16, 2009 at 8:35 AM
  • News

    Opening Bell: 04.16.09

    House of Dimon Does Okay For Itself (Bloomberg) JP Morgan has the distinct pleasure of reporting 40 cents per, well ahead of the 32 cents per the analysts had predicted; this makes the third bank to report ahead of expectations. While earnings were down (tough times and all), it’s a step in the right direction […]

    / Apr 16, 2009 at 7:45 AM
  • News

    Write-Offs: 04.15.09

    $$$ Allen Stanford’s face for sale [Reuters] $$$ Layoffs At Wells Fargo [ATL] $$$ Charlie Gasparino: The Era Of High Profits Is Over [TDB]

    / Apr 15, 2009 at 5:57 PM
  • News

    My Super Sweet Stress Test

    This bloody “stress test” fiasco has mutated into the car presentation scene in every “My Super Sweet Sixteen” ever filmed. In fact, about everything the administration does looks MTV to us lately. First the car (stress test) is discussed. “The Secretary and the Department of the Treasury have long recognized that transparency was important for […]

    / Apr 15, 2009 at 4:57 PM
  • News

    The Obama Portfolio

    The Obama Portfolio (Since Inception): +20.72% Earlier: The Obama Portfolio

    / Apr 15, 2009 at 4:08 PM
  • News

    China’s Smack Addiction Continues Unabated

    No wonder they want to invent a reserve currency that has some merits over the United States Dollar. It would be a form of methadone treatment: China, the U.S. government’s biggest creditor, increased its purchases of American securities in February just weeks before the country’s officials questioned whether such investments were safe. While China’s purchases […]

    / Apr 15, 2009 at 3:58 PM
  • News

    Client Number Nine Ruins Everything

    And by everything we mean our anticipated joy in the hilarious attack ads cooked up by his opponent (the lower the budget the better). A source “familiar with Spitzer’s thinking*” told the Daily News the noted hooker fucker has no plans to run for Attorney General in 2010, despite whispers to the contrary. Which we’re […]

    / Apr 15, 2009 at 3:25 PM
  • News

    Oh No You Di’int: Church Leaders Sully Good Name Of Hedge Fund Industry

    Seven “leading members” of a Queens, NY church have been charged by the SEC for defrauding more than 80 investors, most of whom were elderly parishioners, out of 12 or so million dollars. Isaac Ovid, Aaron Riddle, J. Jonathan Coleman, Stephen Cina, Cory Martin, Timothy Smith and Robert Riddle are all accused of “promising returns […]

    / Apr 15, 2009 at 2:44 PM

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