• 17 Apr 2009 at 10:48 AM

Spice Up The Stress Tests

By Equity Private

So when we heard that the famous “stress tests” had three ranks, something dawned on us…

Sources told The Post that banks examined as part of the stress test are expected to be assigned one of three rankings: top tier institutions that are capable of operating even in the most dour conditions, those that aren’t and those that fit somewhere in the middle.

…the rankings simply suck. That led us to an idea.
It is no secret that we consider you, our readers, Associates here at Dealbreaker. And, in keeping with recent efforts to find ways to value associates, we’d like to solicit your opinion in a way that permits you to share your feelings, make decisions and the like as it were. In fact, we think we are nicely tagging rules 3, 4, 5, 9, 10, 12, 15, 23, 30, 31, 32, 34, 40, 42, 44, 45, 50, 51, 54, 56, 66, 68, 71, 75, 80, 86 and 87 at the same time when we ask for your assistance here: Let’s help the Treasury spice these up.
As we read it, the current grades are:

  1. Capable of operating even in the most dour conditions
  2. Somewhere in the middle
  3. Not capable of operating even in the most dour conditions

We think this can be improved upon. Perhaps:

  1. Excellent
  2. Average
  3. Poor

Or maybe:

  1. Exceeds expectations
  2. Meets expectations
  3. Citi

Bankers always love a good drinking metaphor, so maybe:

  1. Louis XIII
  2. Chopin Vodka
  3. Ken Lewis’ Moonshine

You get the idea. If you do well, we’ll consider invoking Rule 99. (We have to warn you though. Fail us and it’s Rule 85 for everyone).
Go!
Stress Test Dud [The New York Post]

Comments (66)

Newer Comments
  1. 1
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 10:55 AM

    1. Erin Burnett
    2. Melissa Lee
    3. Maria Bartiromo

  2. 2
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 10:59 AM

    1. Goldman Sachs
    2. Potential Ponzi scheme
    3. Maxine Waters

  3. 3
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 11:01 AM

    1. Cream
    2. Average White Band
    3. Limp Bizkit

  4. 4
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 11:01 AM

    1. Chuck Norris
    2. Clint Eastwood
    3. Will Smith

  5. 5
    Posted by Equity Private | April 17, 2009 at 11:02 AM

    1. Potential Ponzi Scheme
    2. Actual Ponzi Scheme
    3. Maxine Waters

  6. 6
    Posted by Lowly Assistant | April 17, 2009 at 11:02 AM

    1. Frédéric Chopin
    2. Magic Johnson
    3. Freddie Mercury

  7. 7
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 11:04 AM

    1. Barney Rubble
    2. Barney the Dinosaur
    3. Barney Frank

  8. 8
    Posted by fatsdomino | April 17, 2009 at 11:05 AM

    1. First
    2. TLDR
    3. Mayo

  9. 9
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 11:05 AM

    Elizabeth Hurley
    Ashley Dupre
    Paris Hilton

  10. 10
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 11:06 AM

    1. Ronald Reagan
    2. George W. Bush
    3. Barack Obama

  11. 11
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 11:07 AM

    1.Nazi Germany
    2.Darfur
    3.Bank of America

  12. 12
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 11:08 AM

    1. Bristol Palin
    2. Track Palin
    3. Trig Palin

  13. 13
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 11:09 AM

    1. Golden in Greenwich.
    2. Renting out Mustique villa.
    3. Slumming at Metropolitan Corrections Center (soon).

  14. 14
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 11:09 AM

    1. short the market
    2. buy gold
    3. go long, the fundamentals are strong and there is change we can believe in

  15. 15
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 11:10 AM

    1. Get underpants
    2. ????
    3. Profit

  16. 16
    Posted by fatsdomino | April 17, 2009 at 11:10 AM

    1. Bess
    2. Carney
    3. Sorkin

  17. 17
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 11:10 AM

    1. Lowly Assistant
    2. Anal_yst
    3. TGFD

  18. 18
    Posted by Anal_yst | April 17, 2009 at 11:10 AM

    1. Dealbreaker
    2. FT Alphaville
    3. NYT Dealbook

  19. 19
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 11:12 AM

    1. Dying
    2. Dead
    3. Fossil

  20. 20
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 11:12 AM

    Don’t they mean “dire” conditions?
    Anyway,
    1. Existing donors
    2. Potential donors
    3. DNC check bounced

  21. 21
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 11:13 AM

    1. #9
    2. #10
    3. #13

  22. 22
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 11:13 AM

    Black
    White
    Yellow

  23. 23
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 11:15 AM

    awww @anal_yst.

  24. 24
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 11:15 AM

    @24 – Alex, I’m going with ‘Who is BHO’

  25. 25
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 11:16 AM

    @26 touche
    -24

  26. 26
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 11:17 AM

    1. Pond Scum/Slippery Eel.
    2. Robert Rubin
    3. Joseph Cassano

  27. 27
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 11:28 AM

    Bull
    Bullshit
    Shit

  28. 28
    Posted by miami | April 17, 2009 at 11:29 AM

    1) Feline Leukemia
    2) SIV
    3) HLTV-III

  29. 29
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 11:38 AM

    1. Doggy
    2. 69
    3. Missionary

  30. 30
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 11:42 AM

    1. Killing It
    2. Killing It Softly
    3. Stake in Target

  31. 31
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 11:43 AM

    1. having a job, April 2009
    2. needing a job, April, 2009
    3. African Passage, 1400s-1800s
    -MoneygripWisdom

  32. 32
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 11:44 AM

    Fucked up
    Fucked
    Fuck off

  33. 33
    Posted by Investorcluzo | April 17, 2009 at 11:44 AM

    1. sponge bob (soldier boy edition: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3ARyAb_1Bs)
    2. bob barker
    3. bob nardelli

  34. 34
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 11:45 AM

    @12 – I can see how this plays out:
    Yo, Goldman’s mad Nazi Germany….but those clowns at Bank of America are sooo Bank of America.

  35. 35
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 11:45 AM

    1. “The Stranger”
    2. Regular
    3. Left handed

  36. 36
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 11:46 AM

    1.Oral
    2.Anal
    3.Skull

  37. 37
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 11:47 AM

    alcohol
    cigarettes
    apples

  38. 38
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 11:49 AM

    1. Zimbabwe Dollar now
    2. Zimbabwe Dollar tomorrow
    3. Zimbabwe Dollar in one week

  39. 39
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 11:54 AM

    Pirates 1400′s
    Pirates 2009
    Pirates holding Richard Phillips

  40. 40
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 11:57 AM

    1. Bess
    2. anonymous
    3. EP

  41. 41
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 12:01 PM

    @38 – are you on the giving or receiving end?

  42. 42
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 12:04 PM

    Oreo Cookies
    Lenny Kravitz
    Obama

  43. 43
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 12:05 PM

    @43 guv gives bank receives

  44. 44
    Posted by miami | April 17, 2009 at 12:07 PM

    Savannah
    Shauna Grant
    John Holmes

  45. 45
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 12:14 PM

    1. Cut a hole in the bank
    2. Put your junk in that bank
    3. Make them open that bank
    And that’s the way you do it!

  46. 46
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 12:16 PM

    1 Hiv
    2 Aids
    3 Cat Aids

  47. 47
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 12:27 PM

    @29. best one yet. hilarious

  48. 48
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 12:38 PM

    1. 28 Days Later
    2. 28 Weeks Later
    3. BRAAAAIINS

  49. 49
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 12:41 PM

    1. Wharton
    2. Chicago
    3. Duke

  50. 50
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 12:44 PM

    1. 28 Days Later
    2. 28 Weeks Later
    3. BRAAAAIINS

  51. 51
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 12:53 PM

    autism
    cancer
    charlie gasparino

  52. 52
    Posted by mrpink | April 17, 2009 at 1:06 PM

    1) Citadel
    2) AQR
    3) JWM Partners
    -mrp

  53. 53
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 1:14 PM

    1. Unicorns eat butterflies and poop rainbows
    2. My Dad can beat up your Dad
    3. Beer goggles issued at the door

  54. 54
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 1:29 PM

    1.Bankcruptcy Lawyer
    2.Investment Banker
    3.SEC

  55. 55
    Posted by Anal_yst | April 17, 2009 at 1:30 PM

    @41
    Perhaps you mean:
    1. Pirates (e.g. Blackbeard, etc)
    2. Somali “Pirates”
    3. Pirate Capital

  56. 56
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 1:35 PM

    1. RenTech
    2. Citadel
    3. AQR

  57. 57
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 1:45 PM

    The Lucky
    The Idiots
    The Greedy

  58. 58
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 2:22 PM

    1. John
    2. Paul
    3. Ringo

  59. 59
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 2:28 PM

    @17 wins

  60. 60
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 2:36 PM

    1. Potty trained
    2. Pull Ups
    3. Depends

  61. 61
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 2:37 PM

    @57
    No I mean
    Pirates 1400′s (Blackbeard etc)
    Pirates 2009 (Somali “Pirates”)
    Pirates who held Richard Phillips (dead)

  62. 62
    Posted by Anal_yst | April 17, 2009 at 3:16 PM

    @ 63
    I dunno, its a toss-up: Hudson vs. Somali Pirates (who batted .250 collectively, Hudson can’t be any better than that)

  63. 63
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 5:24 PM

    1) TGFD
    2) TOGFD
    3) Cow tipping, bitches!!!!!!!!!!!

  64. 64
    Posted by guest | April 17, 2009 at 6:58 PM

    @17
    1. Keynesin multiplier
    2. ????
    3. Profit

  65. 65
    Posted by guest | April 18, 2009 at 2:07 AM

    swallow
    spit
    fletch

  66. 66
    Posted by guest | April 18, 2009 at 2:10 AM

    1) loving, committed relationship
    2) friend with privileges
    3) Dirty Pirate and a run for the door

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