It’s new expense policy day at the House of Dimon! Among the cost-cutty measures:
* Car service only after 10PM (previously 9PM)
* “No lucites may be ordered for the J.P. Morgan deal team”
* “Corporate Messenger may be used only to deliver final versions of presentations which are for next day meetings. If Corporate Messenger cannot deliver within 2 hours, documents may be sent via taxi. Documents should not be sent via black car unless at personal expense”
* “Any JPMC owned technology which is lost or damaged must be replaced at the employee’s expense. This policy covers laptops, blackberry units, financial calculators, etc.”
* Seamless web orders shall not exceed $20 (down from $25)
And our personal favorite:
* Tips for meals or taxis should be “up to 15% and no higher”
From: IB Broadcast On Behalf Of Investment Bank Management Committee
Sent: Wednesday, May 13, 2009 10:15 AM
Subject: New global T&E policy for the Investment Bank
Message from Investment Bank Management Committee
J.P. Morgan is in an important position of relative strength, and it is essential that we stay in front of our clients and the markets to maintain the leadership positions we’ve worked hard to build. At the same time, we need to keep the cost of doing business in mind, particularly in the current environment. Across the Investment Bank, we are making good progress in our efforts to manage non-compensation related expenses. As we recently reported, first quarter expenses, excluding IC, were down 7% quarter-on-quarter.
Having said that, we think we can do even more to reduce costs related to Travel and Entertainment without affecting our ability to stay connected with clients and maintain appropriate internal business practices. T&E represents a meaningful portion of the IB’s overall expense base, and are also expenses that every employee can help us to better control. Our ability to manage T&E more effectively means we can cut less through other types of productivity initiatives.
As such, we are introducing a new, global T&E policy for the Investment Bank that is effective immediately. The new policy, which you can read here, addresses T&E expenses related to travel, meals, hotels and entertainment, charitable contributions, recruiting and gifts, as well as the use of consultants and temporary staff. It is designed to drive more consistency across regions and lines of business, remove any ambiguity that may have existed in our old policies, provide clearer approval processes, and better reflect the environment in which we are operating.
We have retained a number of the benefits that employees receive from the firm today, including the ability to keep frequent traveler rewards, reimbursement for the use of CLEAR in the U.S., maintaining a quality hotel program that meets the firm’s safety and security standards, and 24×7 customer service support for travelers.
We encourage you to review this new global policy carefully and to raise any questions with your CFO or business manager.
Maintaining our focus managing all aspects of the business end-to-end will have a direct impact on our bottom line and will serve us well during this — and other — business cycles.
Thanks, in advance, for your support.
May 13, 2009
Message sent to all IB colleagues globally
FOR INTERNAL USE ONLY
In the version sent to senior employees it read:
* Tips for meals or taxis and analyst/ associate bonusses should be “up to 15% and no higher”
@1 ftw
*initial offers for forced purchases of distressed companies should not exceed $1 per share (previously $2)
Clearly what they need right now is an airplane hanger to get things back on track.
who amongst us hasn’t given a delivery man or two a good stiffing.
what can you get on seemless for under $20? that pretty much rules out shun lee and tao. maybe a curry from wondee siam II and spring roll… w/o a chai tea.
how do these guys survive?
@6
either you’re working late or you head out at 9.30. don’t be a pussy.
@7
$20 is like 3 oysters, i need about 200 more to get full.
oysterboy.
@6 worthless
Food challenge needed
man you kids are being abused….
Just so you know this is the exact policy that Fortune 50 companies in NYC offer…so P&G, Colgate-P, even MetLife, Marsh have this 10pm car rule.. Big 4 are @9pm. Maybe your accountant could give you a lift…nah too bitter.
Back in the day at ML, CS almost every analyst/assoc would take a car home at 8, after gym, with seamless/au mandarin bag in hand.
Then later get another car “as directed” [with no final stop given, so as to erase electronic evidence] to pick up a date, and then go onto a bar/restaurant, and mark the paper voucher for office address, and tell the driver to go home.
Other abuse included:
-cars to work in AM
-cars to hamptons
-Cars to Nooner-hooker
-cars to airport for vacation,
-cars for shopping
-cars for fucking
[a female Assoc banged the driver after xmas party, and he billed her for 90 min waiting time outside her apt. at 2am] for which she had to pay.
@12
yeah man we used cars for blowjobs, for ‘from behind with no reacharound’ and one md used it for a2m followed by a dirty pirate.
that was so baller…
no lucite!!! dude wtf is the point anymore…
@12 Did she pay w/o complaining?
@6 – Ditch the wife, problem solved.
@ 13, anyone who uses the term “baller” is a loser. Good luck with future endeavors upon your forthcoming layoff/axing.
@12, very funny post, especially about the associate. ML chicks were pigs, but that is a little over the top even for them
@5 – die.
Dont know how it was way back in the day but only 2 years ago, using car service at JP was still pretty lax compared to now. Just needed the dispatcher phone # and a cost center and the car would take you anywhere. Now we need to first charge to our corporate card AND then fill out expense reports to be approved by our MD for each ride. Also, taking taxis is now suggested. Damn you Jamie!
@6 The worst part about your post was the nagging wife. Your life sounds miserable…have fun being a BB / your wife’s bitch for the rest of your life…
Bonuses = how investors make most of their money – to limit them severely limits their income
Tips = how the service industry, lower-income workers make a living – to limit them severely limits their ability to eat, pay rent, live
“* Tips for meals or taxis should be ‘up to 15% and no higher’” = Thanks for your services, oh and here ya’ go, fuck you
How come for I-B only? What about the rest of the house?
BTW, Which office makes up all those shitty prospectus booklets that seem to be made of asswipe paper?
Give TGFD some news I can use; all that Front/Back/Middle-office nonsense notwithstanding, of course.
Thanks.
The Guy from Delaware
@12 where is P&G in NYC?
I am a boorish dunce
The Guy From Delaware
Doesn’t seem like a company making money “hand over fistz” does it?
I am pounding my secretary in her ass right now as I write this.
I fancy myself quite the populist rabble rouser, and something of an amateur pornography star. If I write about it enough on DB, then it will come true.
@ 27 – so you’re TGFD???
26 I’m pounding mine as I’m reading your post.
26 – please type slower
I wish my secretary would lose a few pounds.
@26
lube or no lube or….crisco?
Dammit, JPM ruined my additional income source — “losing” blackberries and selling them on eBay.
I’m the CEO of a hedge fund. What is a “financial calculator”?
@32 – I use the bottled tears of ex Lehman Brothers employees. It makes it tingle more.
Bob Costas
@3…. PRICELESS!!
@4 haha
tip a little more outta your own pocket, just to ensure that you don’t get “asian sensation ho(isin) sauce” in your forthcoming (ahem) orders.
shout out to NYU under recruiting (pg 8)..whoop whoop..
“Candidates interviewing in their home cities (e.g., NYU students interviewing in mid-town) should not be reimbursed for air or hotel spend”
#39 I don’t think NYU undergrads need to go ask Jamie Dimon for reimbursements anyway given that their daddy’s bankrolling their SoHo loft.
@24
HAHA, i would go with twit and/or ninny as well
@5 – Can’t buy class…
ew7bbt Really enjoyed this article post.Much thanks again. Keep writing.