It's been quite a while since we read the Times wedding section and proceeded to callously and unjustifiably assign a random "market value" to complete strangers by virtue of the fact that they work in the finance industry, hasn't it? But it's time we had some fun again and we can think of no greater fun than a couple sent to us from 2006, who uses earnings measure acronyms as foreplay. Starting today DB regular and all-around favorite Commenter Girl will select those who seem to be practically begging for it and serve them up for your consumption.
Can you feel it yet? The sand between your toes, having to block your Beirut table from the ocean breeze, the fragrant stink of burning meat on the grill: all of these things mean one thing kiddos: Love is in the Air. And oh, what sweet love stories the NYTimes troopered out for us this weekend.
Like the marriage of Rochelle Francis Gores and David Arthur Fredston-Hermann (the couple shall be known as Mr. and Mrs. Fredston, should you want to send them a gift). They were married this Saturday afternoon in Beverly Hills. And they were married by a Rabbi and a Maronite Priest (so progressive! +1). But who cares about that shit. They have a legacy, and indeed a love story, so unbelievably financey, that it could only be surpassed if they had met in the comments section of Dealbreaker.
Herewith, we re-inaugurate the long-dormant DB wedding index, Mergers and Acquisitions, in which we get all judgey up on those willing to pledge their love to each other for eternity.
So True to Form it's not even funny, unless you happen to be a fictional Leveraged Sell-Out character from 2006:
* "The bride's father is the founder of the Gores Group, an investment firm that buys and manages both established and newer businesses." (+2)
* he bridegroom's father founded FH International, a hedge fund in Harrison, NY (+10, hedge fund still sounds cooler than investment firm)
* "The bridegroom is the president and founder of Long Green Capital Management, a hedge fund in Los Angeles, that focuses on older concerns, including railroads, fertilizer producers and coal companies." (+13)
* "He graduated from Bates College." (-4)
* "She graduated from Western Michigan University." (-10)
* Both moms do community service (+15, way to keep it real)
* Although the Bride's mom supports some hippy dippy artists in residence in Michigan (-8)
So far we are even keeling it at +18. Where the couple excels, however, is courtship. Yes, the line "My daddy would never pay more than five [times Ebitda]" will be uttered.
* The couple met three and a half years ago on a rainy night in the West Village (+5, because, of course they did)
* Extra +2 because I'm guessing, it being 2006 and them being 23 at the time, that they met at Automatic Slims
* "Mr. Fredston-Hermann spent much of the night on his cellphone talking with his boss about an impending deal." (+5, even though the guy was probably going mano-a-mano to the dial tone to mask his social awkwardness)
* "Far from being put off, Ms. Gores was intrigued." (+10, because, of course she was.)
* "At one point when he was off the phone she asked about the offer for the company and how many times Ebitda it was." (-40, because if I were your child reading this 20 years from now, I would want to make a surprise visit home to Rye and punch you in the face.)
* "I think they're going to pay eight times Ebitda," Mr. Fredston-Hermann remembers saying, not quite believing that this attractive young woman with a short skirt and looking, as he said, very fashion forward, was talking his lingo." (+60 for making us realize that clichés really do come true, sort of like miracles).
* '"I pulled him aside and said I thought it was too much," Ms. Gores said. "My daddy would never pay more than five," she told him.'" This promptly sealed the deal. (+460 for this actually working on the shmuck. All girls who work in fashion should be given a list of parrot phrases to say to guys who work in finance: "Baqawk- You are leveraged to the hilt. Baqawk- make it rain").
* "We went with her advice and everything worked out," he said (-80, because your associate actually just told you to shut the fuck up and have the materials to him by 6 am for review, at which point you pulled the old "I'm giving you my last business card" line, which served the double purpose of making her feel special and solidifying the fact that you were indeed employed at a bank, a combination that in 2006 was awarded instant panty dropper status).
* " and an acquisition led to a merger," (+10, financial punnery at its bloody worst, but we love to love to love it.)
In closing, our little David and his shiksa goddess score +450, because their courtship sounds like everyone of our collective worst Saturday nights in history, rolled up into a neat little story and now immortalized in print. Mozel Tov! May you multiply and may your Investment firms prosper.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 2:00PM
What is instant pantry dropping status?
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 2:02PM
Thanks! I was looking to throw up my lunch.
Posted by Lowly Assistant , May 26, 2009 2:04PM
This was hilarious: "Baqawk- You are leveraged to the hilt. Baqawk- make it rain"
Well done, Girl.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 2:04PM
rising tides wash all douchebags ashore.
Posted by gas_injection , May 26, 2009 2:05PM
1) Wow
2) This might be the worst thing I have ever heard
3) What planet are these people from?
4) Makes me wish our species ate our young
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 2:08PM
I like girl.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 2:10PM
I graduated from Bates. I would have given a -10.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 2:11PM
I am more prestigiouser than all of you.
Dalton grad
Posted by Lowly Assistant , May 26, 2009 2:12PM
BTW Bess, this is filthy!
http://www.dealbreaker.com/2007/04/ma_im_tired_of_playing_this_ga_1.php/
-Received her JD (-1) from Vanderbilt (+2 (Carney insisted—“Girls are pulchritudinous in the South, Bess” (actually, he said “hot” and licked his lips but then added, “make me sound not lecherous, that’s how you reel them in to Carney’s Fun House” and licked his lips again.)))
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 2:12PM
This is the sound of me choking on my own vomit.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 2:12PM
Long Green Capital Management = ponzi scheme
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 2:13PM
Ugh... It recalls that scene from Requiem for a Dream.. "Ass to Ass" pretty much sums up this marriage.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 2:16PM
I would have given a lot more points for being Alec Gores' daughter - that man is a hitter, worth $1.5b
Posted by gas_injection , May 26, 2009 2:17PM
Also, how can there be such concentration (depth?) of shallowness in their social circle that their parents, friends, associates, and co-workers (employees?) all led them to believe that the EBITDA story was anything but a perverse farce and somehow worthy of inclusion in the NEW YORK TIMES!
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 2:21PM
These people need to sterilize themselves for the good of humanity.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 2:24PM
@9 & Bess,
Filthy, Funny & Very True
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 2:26PM
please use consistent scoring system gr8thx
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 2:29PM
I support retroactive abortion.
Posted by Lowly Assistant , May 26, 2009 2:29PM
16,
Absolutely agree, but from sheer intrigue re: "Very True" - Lon's fun house or southern belles?
If Carney was a dog, he'd perpetually wag his tail.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 2:32PM
I'm going to send them a .45 as a wedding present and sign the note "congrats! you know what do with this."
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 2:33PM
Where are all the clients' Beverly Hills weddings?
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 2:34PM
@1 That's so Piper Jaffray of you.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 2:38PM
That broad looks like Nikita Denise.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 2:38PM
These people are everything that is wrong with the world. I think they also are the source of swine flu and Texas Big AIDS.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 2:38PM
If you have to call some 23 year old schmuck and aswk him what you should do on a deal, then your business is a house of cards. These two sound like a barrel of monkeys. Also beware of any broad who refers to her father as daddy, she will make your life miserable
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 2:39PM
Well this explains it:
HOME SCHOOLING!
http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9A04E7DB1430F93AA25751C1A9629C8B63&partner=rssnyt&emc=rss
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 2:41PM
This guy went from Bates to GS to Ladenburg and now to his own firm that does who knows what (see the bio on the firm's web site). Not to be hatin', but I'm thinking he's subsidized big time by dad.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 2:42PM
@girl. Bravo! Very nicely done.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 2:43PM
@27- or his new daddy in-law
Posted by Investorcluzo , May 26, 2009 2:46PM
are we going to give a little credit to gawker? just askin'...
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 2:47PM
@9, there's certainly been some inflation in the point system since '07
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 2:47PM
@investor- nope, since the credit was given when the column, mergers and acquisitions, first started. just sayin'
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 2:51PM
Card carrying member of NAMBLA, +12
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 2:52PM
I'm picturing 2006 and people standing around in bars talking self importantly on their cell phones. Makes me want to 1) punch them and 2) puke. Its much better now that its 2009 and people are standing around pecking into their BB's. NOT
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 2:59PM
FH is a douchebag
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 3:00PM
I must say this is the best thing a commentator here has ever written. Bess, hire this "girl" if she's looking.
One thing is not clear, are the moms doing community service because of DUI convictions? If, so change that +15 for keeping it real to +60.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 3:10PM
Full picture...
http://www.blackbookmag.com/article/industry-insiders-rochelle-gores-winning-big-with-arcade/5849
"I’m getting married in May so I’m obsessed with my wedding. The ceremony will be at my dad’s estate in Beverly Hills, and the reception will be at the Beverly Wilshire. I’m getting my dresses made by Herve at Carolina Herrera."
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 3:13PM
Wow, this is just so...sad.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 3:14PM
""I’m getting married in May so I’m obsessed with my wedding. The ceremony will be at my dad’s estate in Beverly Hills, and the reception will be at the Beverly Wilshire. I’m getting my dresses made by Herve at Carolina Herrera."
-----------------
And complimentary air sickness bags from Continental.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 3:16PM
@37
Argh!
Thanks. Now I'm going to throw up my lunch.
Hope those 2 don't breed.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 3:20PM
C u next Tuesday
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 3:21PM
too much math, couldn't follow
Posted by american bandersnatch , May 26, 2009 3:22PM
I think that's about the worst thing I've ever heard. How marvelous.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 3:22PM
Smug fuckers ----> SMUCKERS!
Pack that blueberry jam!
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 3:24PM
37 and 26
Not as articulate as I would expect a billionaire's daughter to be. Knowing several people that have been home schooled I can confidently say that they all are a bit whack in the social skills department. I expect the bride to be no different.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 3:25PM
She is pretty hot though, I have to admit. Terribble attitude and probably even worse person
Posted by merkin capital partners , May 26, 2009 3:26PM
His Bloomberg bio lists his 2007- present at his ponzi fund, along with an analyst position from "unknown-2003" at Balyasny, and "former" Goldman and Ladenburg.
That's a lot of work to cram into the 4 yrs since college. Anyone at BAM still around to remember this intern? I mean um, analyst.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 3:26PM
45 Wasn't it the groom that was home schooled? Re the bride, her father's a billionaire and she went to Eastern Michigan State. Nuf said.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 3:27PM
Or perhaps we should say SCHMUCKERS?
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 3:28PM
Two-face alert!
She looks like a hag in 37's photo.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 3:28PM
God damn if that NY times announcement wasn't the funniest thing I've read in a month. That has to be completely fabricated, doesn't it? Also, I think they should just hyphenate the last names and go with Gores-Fredson-Herman. It's got a nice ring to it. And one last thing - they better start saving up for nose jobs for the kids. Just sayin'...
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 3:30PM
cliff notes:
Hot Lebanese girl snags white rich guy
sorry jewess', SATC, waspettes
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 3:33PM
Epic douchebaggery. Hat tip to that..
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 3:35PM
that chick looks like wanting a 10++ inch dick right now in her ass and not that guy's shlort
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 3:35PM
52 White guy? Since when did Jews become "white". Or are you just having trouble keeping up here. There's an unbelievable amount of confusion on this thread about the respective ethnicity, education, experience, schooling (home or not) of these two. Could be everyone's just a little frazzled today.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 3:36PM
48
45 here. My bad. She's ugly and I became distracted.
Agreed regarding Eastern Michigan. How the fuck do you end up attending E. Michigan? Was she not able to get accepted to a Cal State? Any Cal State? You know, UC Santa Cruz will accept you to their school if you don't get accepted by any of the other UC's. Even if you didn't apply to UC Santa Cruz.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 3:42PM
Hmmm! I smell a publicist @55.
Listen, most of the damage was done by the NYT article. Did you write it?
Here, we are just having fun.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 3:42PM
55
Stop being a drama queen.
The franken-bride went to Eastern Michigan because their women's football team gave her a scholarship as a linebacker.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 3:43PM
Yeah, what's with the Eastern Michigan? Has nothing going for it - she's not from there, money's not an issue, the climate there sucks. Maybe they have a fashion program or something? Someone I work with went to Ferris State in MI, which was founded by the inventor of the Ferris Wheel. They apparently have a program where you can specialize in country club management. ("We'll need six cases of gin this week; make sure you cut the grass on the greens extra short") He wisely gave that up for S&T.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 3:46PM
poor guy... he never had a chance..
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 3:47PM
Western Michigan University. WESTERN!
carry on.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 3:50PM
This story must be a plant by Muffy...can't be real. No way.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 3:53PM
@61
Her father graduated from there also. Like father, like daughter.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 3:55PM
that chick is fucking hot and needs a good fuck the ponz can't deliver
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 3:56PM
I was incarcerated for 15 years at San Quentin - I sure hope my daughter follow my footsteps there too..
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 3:57PM
@47, she went to Ballsonya? not all that exclusive...even Ashley Dupre got in
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 4:00PM
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_vyCf6z7uw8E/Sd1R23XKaJI/AAAAAAAAnjc/NYCN8je_rvY/s400/lukjt.jpg
small chica
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 4:01PM
Wow, she IS very fashion forward!
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 4:02PM
Hold up! daughter of a billionaire went to Western MI ? then opened a fashion boutique in WeHo? Stock up on the Valtrex and if she is working late I would worry.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 4:10PM
Western Michigan!!! not Eastern and that because daddy went there..
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 4:18PM
Daddy always said I could marry more money in 5 minutes than I could make in a lifetime.
I should've listened to Daddy.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 4:22PM
The boyz in western michigan are real studs not like the ivy douches. that's why rich fun girls go to these places. they wanna get banged hard.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 4:29PM
Friend at Goldman says they hired him and then fired when he failed series 7 for the THIRD time. Must be a great HF manager now....
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 4:37PM
This is the uncle I believe. Brother's used to be in biz together. Platinum's one of the best grave dancing/ oil well funds out there.
http://www.platinumequity.com/site/action/aboutplatinum/executiveprofiles/executiveprofiledetail/?which=Tom+Gores&which2=92
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_Gores
I don't think she's a "shiksa goddess" though as uncle (and probably dad) is born in Israel. Has always amazed me how well the Gores brothers have done vs. some of the better known and bigger PE players.
Posted by Anal_yst , May 26, 2009 4:40PM
Failed his 7 THREE times?
Dude, FA's pass the S7, on the FIRST try, jesus christ, Id understand if he got plastered and showed up still krunk and failed it once, but anything more is just grounds for instant expulsion from Finance
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 4:41PM
@73 Probably failed the 63 too! I studied in the car a few minutes before the exam.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 4:43PM
74 Nice work. Re the shiksa thing, that comes from the Maronite priest being there to assist the Rabbi. It appears that he's MOT, she Christian. (Maronites are Lebanese Christians).
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 4:43PM
@75 this actually makes sense though - no way someone who is in any way competent at anything (other than being a DB) lets this story out of the bag - its all part of the MO
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 4:44PM
75 Read the thing. He was out talking on his cell phone rather than home studying.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 4:52PM
@67 he must have small person syndrome
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 4:53PM
douchebag's "fund" (to the extent it actually exists beyond the website) is at the exact same address as the gores group. they must have given him a cubicle and a laptop.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 4:55PM
@81- nice find.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 5:03PM
We need more of these threads. The collective power of DB readers and Google = awesome.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 5:42PM
I'm black how can I meet rich white women who's like thick black jamaican cock in the ass?
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 5:57PM
the next bernie and ruth?
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 5:59PM
@45- the groom's the home-schooled one, not her.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 7:51PM
@81 "...give him a living. But never let him know the family's business. What else, Tom?"
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 8:04PM
The announcement says mom's from Holland, MI which we all know is in western MI. Dad's in LA. Split parents and maybe she grew up with Mom and stayed close to home for college. Not so strange. Or maybe she's recently reconciled with daddy but years ago that wasn't the case and he wasn't interested in helping with college aps. What a soap opera.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 10:23PM
article was a good find.. analysis here was not funny
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 10:31PM
@89 = bride or groom?
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 10:38PM
@89- "Baqawk- You are leveraged to the hilt. Baqawk- make it rain" isn't funny to you? you suck.
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 11:00PM
Wasn't it her mom who got caught banging her her husbands younger brother? Anthony Pelicano case...
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 11:03PM
@92- huh? link?
Posted by guest , May 26, 2009 11:21PM
Additional points on further review....
Bride's stepmother caught by disgraced private eye schtupping Bride's uncle. (+69)
http://realestalker.blogspot.com/2007/04/do-you-know-who-lisa-gores-is.html
Posted by guest , May 27, 2009 12:39AM
She has a penis; he has a vagina. Crisscross applesauce.
-Iceman
Posted by guest , May 27, 2009 2:09AM
54, 64, 72 and 84 got it.
Posted by guest , May 27, 2009 9:31AM
88 "which we all know is in Western Michigan". We do? Only if we consult a map, and only then if we care. That said, interesting that she lived with mom. In my experience kids usually go where the money is.
Posted by guest , May 27, 2009 9:33AM
@97- no, kids usually go with the mom. like, 99% of the time. is this your first time on earth?
Posted by guest , May 27, 2009 9:50AM
The groom's father's hedge fund, FH International, is down almost 50% last year. Granted, last year was rough for emerging markets debt but his annualized return of less than 5% over 7 years isn't too great either...
Posted by guest , May 27, 2009 10:13AM
I suspect the bride reconciled with daddy only when she needed the coin to start up her rag shop. Mommy in Michigan probably couldn't help her out with stuff like that.
Posted by guest , May 27, 2009 10:17AM
this post = FAIL. totally lifted from gawker.
Posted by guest , May 27, 2009 10:18AM
this post = FAIL. totally lifted from gawker.
Posted by guest , May 27, 2009 10:21AM
that double comment = fail, since db started doing this feature two years ago, and acknowledged at the time the idea was from gawker (and the write up of this couple was far superior to gawk's).
Posted by guest , May 27, 2009 10:42AM
That chick looks pretty fucking hot. Too bad she's marrying such a fail fuckstick.
Posted by guest , May 27, 2009 6:22PM
If you bottom feeders put as much energy into your life as you do ripping other people's apart you may just smile a genuine second of happiness before your death...probably not though!
Posted by guest , May 27, 2009 10:08PM
@girl - I love your take on life and wish you would do more posts like this. I like how they omitted the fact that the deal that David "BSD" Fredston-Hermann (I though only married women and Brits had hyphenated last names) was bidding on was a paper route for him to do after failing the Series 7 three times.
- Fixed Income
Posted by Rahodeb , May 28, 2009 1:32PM
http://longgreencapital.com/
Hilarity.
Posted by guest , Jun 01, 2009 12:21PM
Billy Bullard Rides the Banana mana. He also uses astro glide and enjoys magic markers in his pooper during the work day.
Posted by guest , Jun 01, 2009 12:33PM
J Brad S. Was caught pulling the salt peter in the bathroom this morning. He was also pullin a line from billy baddballs 15" membrane
Posted by guest , Jun 01, 2009 12:37PM
John Williamson was caught doing a donkey in the rectum this weekend...he pled no contest to quote "bangin' that ass".
Posted by guest , Jun 01, 2009 12:37PM
John Williamson was caught doing a donkey in the rectum this weekend...he pled no contest to quote "bangin' that ass".
Posted by guest , Jun 01, 2009 12:40PM
John Williamson was caught doing a donkey in the rectum this weekend...he plead no contest to quote "bangin' that ass".