This is somewhat overdue, but our default is to avoid tough conversations, preferring instead to bury our feelings and live in denial. But the time has come. As you may or may not know, we love (most) Dealbreaker readers and are happy to have you here. And we want you to feel comfortable, and not like a guest in our house. We’ve invited you to not only take off your shoes and put your feet up on the table, but treat it like the ex-frat house you so deeply miss and spend nights weeping over. But– there’s always a but– we draw the line when you start pissing on the walls or defecating in the stairwells, which a select few of you are under the misguided impression is appropriate. This isn’t Merrill Lynch. Not only is it not okay but it makes us– how to put this– want to take a walk over to your places of business and wring your god damn necks or run you over (and over and over) with the Zamboni we have on loan or at the very least, yell “shut the fuck up, asshats.” However, we’re more evolved than that. So. Some ground rules will be laid out. They are not up for discussion or interpretation, and believe me when we tell you we will go prison warden crazy on the asses of those who fail to comply and/or dispatch Charlie Gasparino to take care of whatever needs taking care of. Don’t make us go to an all-registration format. You won’t like it, and SteveInStamford has already been snagged. Join us as we review (for those of you who don’t like words, feel free to refer to the tag, and have a great day):
1. The random, non-sequitur thoughts that come into your head, that you think are hilarious enough to send out into the universe. Even if they have nothing to do with the topic at hand. Hi, are we your mothers? No! Too much encouragement on their parts was probably the reason you thought we or anyone else would care, or would give a cookie for doing so. So, for example next time you think it’d be uproarious to log on to DB, open a comment box and type: “Am I an idiot?” or “I’m going to bang my secretary in the ass after lunch,” send it to Mommy instead. The very, very rare exceptions to this rule are if your quip, while 150% off-topic, and lacking in any real value, is actually funny.* Which brings us to our next point.
*Like, if on a post about BAC, you shared the harrowing (or delightful, whichever) experience that was the time you were banging your secretary in the ass and a drunk Ken Lewis stumbled into the room and began to take part in the fun.
2. Be funny. Most importantly: Don’t be not funny.
2a. We realize not everyone is funny. If you can’t be funny, be smart. Turn that thing on you’ve got up top and use it. Smart is not a perfect substitute for funny, but it’s damn close.
3. Disses. Far be it from us to say “don’t diss people,” since we’ve kind of made a career of it. But– there’s that but– we’re requiring that you raise this bar. “That’s why you’re unemployed, douche!” = not good enough.
4. Don’t be a lunatic. If you’re out of breath while typing or start to smell rubber burning up in that dome piece of yours, take two and revisit whatever you wanted to say.
5. Some acronyms are amusing. Some are not. Some have amusement levels that are inversely proportional to their frequency of use. “TLDR” is far past the point of no return in this respect.
6. The entity known as “The Guy From Delaware” (TGFD). Yes, he is extremely annoying (and, if you must know, currently on probation). Not 1/100th as annoying, however, as the Delaware spam (as in, and this circles back to point number one, meaning those of you who open up a box on a post about, I don’t know, activist shareholders, and write “I’m the douche from Delaware and I love screwing cows– TGFD” ). Cut it out or know our wrath. We are not kidding on this point.
7. Stuff like– “you suck, I hate this site.” Do you now? Telling us that is so amateur-status. Why don’t you do something proactive with your hate, like not take the time to give us that extra pageview? Hang on to those feelings of anger and never let them go until the moment you go circus freak crazy on the guy next to you, or do something to otherwise attract the attention of HR that we can write about. That’d be helpful.
8. Sort of a global point but clearly worth noting: don’t be an idiot. Would you say it– whatever ‘it’ may be– aloud? Oh, no, you wouldn’t, ’cause you sound like an idiot/manboy/complete and total moron? Then don’t put down it here. That being said, we realize people say stupid things to their friends, but we’re talking about like, the actual full-on retard comments (*sorry, but that’s the only way to describe them). You know the ones we’re talking about. The ones that make people understand where the term “shit for brains came from.” Reading those comments actually makes us think, in the place where brain-matter should be, you have shit. I’m not saying this to be mean. I just think everyone needs to know that’s how it comes off, in case you were unaware.
Okay, that felt good. Now: we want to make sure we take a minute to compliment the many (and vast majority demographically) commenters who contribute in a helpful, much appreciated way to the site. You are the heart and soul of Dealbreaker. We love you. We miss you when you go. We are glad when you return. Never leave us. ‘Cause we’d find you.
Related: How To Avoid Repeating Comments
too long, didn’t read
“preferring instead to bury our feelings and live in denial”
Bess, you are sounding dangerously like a Gentile here!
Too menstrual, going to bleed.
Holy Sh*t! Much needed and thank you!
(TGFD, you ancient bastard, you have wormed your way into Bess’ heart, hence the special HT)
Too meta, didn’t discuss
Mayo, TLDR — too busy, have to run and bang my secretary in the ass in 26 minutes.
–TGFD
So… no more shamwow?
TGFD
Ok, but can we still say “fuck” on this site?
It’s about fucking time. Suck it, trolls.
@1 – one of the few times I have laughed at that phrase.
TGFD is the new killin it.
TGFD is the new killin it.
@9- Yes.
A Translation into William Wordsworth (based on I wandered lonely on a cloud)
You wander lonely as a commenter,
Floating on a finance site,
When you see the Guy from Delaware,
and opt to spark a fight.
Continuous as stocks that fall,
As EP’s posts do grate your ears,
so have you hit a frightful wall,
and realized your editors fears.
For oft when on swivel chairs you sit,
In vacant or hungover mood,
Refreshing DB in hopes of wit,
Are you not crestfallen with the lewd?
10,000 dreadful posts on Mayo,
You make me want to OD on Yayo.
In short, you never pounded ass.
You simply lack intellect, and are crass.
internet rules 8, 11, 25-28, and, of course, rules 34 and 46.
@7 – nice.
Seriously, people, a few rules will make this site much better.
- Ruth Madoff
Best tag ever.
you suck, I hate this site
So you’re saying you want to raise the bar so that instead of sounding like 17-year-olds we should now sound like 23-year-olds? Fine.
I agree, long overdue. Can the “I dont make money I print it” guy still say that, that guy is the best
I blame LOBSTERCLOPS.
if I apologize, will there be any makeup sex?
WAIT. You’re not my mother? Someone has a lot explaining to do!
anyone taking the cfa? how good is life right now?
#15 – nice
@ 25
CFA vs. MBA. Discuss?
suck it Trebek.
Just read the post by Bess and was deeply saddened and disturbed. Was this the end of a humor inducing part of my day? What will happen if all the comments here become dry and only speak of business, politics, and finance in a serious manner?
While I think the sight is great, the writing top notch. The comments routinely make coffee rain on my keyboard.
Then I clicked on the comments. HaHa! Too long didn’t read guy, pound my secretary in the ass guys are still here and no matter what anyone says sometimes that shit is funny!
TGFD?….not so much, but still important as he brings out the “I’m Banging TGFD in the eye socket” comments.
All is still right with the world!
Posting an article about trolls on internet…Wouldn’t that just bring more trolls?
@ 27
you should have both
I admit that I am guilty of several of these sins. Sorry DB, it won’t happen again.
guest: [gingerly raising his trembling hand in the back of class] “Uh, Teacher? I think it’s spelled non sequitur.”
Gee guys I feel like we’re just one big happy family. I love you all.
Gee guys I feel like we’re just one big happy family. I love you all.
This post is shockingly similar to that which my high school girlfriend gave me just prior to starting university. We referred to it as the “don’t be a douche” speech. This was well before “douche” gained it’s now worn out welcome.
Bravo!
@27 BAC investment banker or KKR pound-me-in-ass secretary, discuss
Will somebody please think about the Lycans?!
kiss and make up?
KKR PMIAS, obvi
KKR PMIAS, obvi
anyone know what first year banged-in-the-associates numbers are?
Anyone know a guy named Dickran?
@36- No where in this post do bess/ep refer to the readers as douches (asshats? yes. cocksuckers? you betcha), though they do say calling your fellow commenter an “unemployed douche” isn’t up to par, diss-wise.
whose dickran?
34/35 I love you too, man!
[pound each other in the ass]
All of you out of work paeans can come out to my palatial Hamptons estate, I will put you to work for meager wages, you will love it. Considering you are all done in this industry, as am I.
I just took a break from 20 hours of straight CFA studying to read this. I could have used my 5 minute break to read something useful.
Sit up and sip. Gummer.
Bess, I cannot resist you. You guilted me into commitment, so I registered. I’ll try to make you as happy as I can….if I fail, feel free to give me a hot carl.
CFA’er@49- did you not notice the last line before the jump, in which the post was summed up via a
I read the tag.
I know musically what is a “refrain”.
I have googled and cannot find a song or lyrical reference to a work named “Being Cocksuckers”, especially from the obvious suspects of The Village People, Backstreet Boys, NSync, NKOTB, Ricky Martin, Pet Shop Boys, Elton John, and Frankie Goes To Hollywood. I even checked the metal world and it isn’t Judas Priest.
Can anyone enlighten me on the chorus?
I’m rubbing my cocks. They’re getting very excited.
- Shitting on Tryon St.
I just took a break from 20 hours of straight CFA studying to read this. I could have used my 5 minute break to read something useful.
@53–
Main Entry:
1re·frain Listen to the pronunciation of 1refrain
Pronunciation:
\ri-ˈfrān\
Function:
verb
Etymology:
Middle English refreynen, from Anglo-French refreiner, refreindre, from Latin refrenare, from re- + frenum bridle — more at frenum
Date:
14th century
transitive verbarchaic : curb, restrainintransitive verb: to keep oneself from doing, feeling, or indulging in something and especially from following a passing impulse
______________________________
Refrain from leaving the comment equivalent of a dick in your mouth.
The greatest trick Bess ever pulled was convincing the world she was seriously enforcing this shit.
I just took a break from 20 hours of straight CFA studying to read this. I could have used my 5 minute break to read something useful.
Bess I think it says something about this group that with all the NEWS stories you have listed. This is the page with the most comments.
How about a site “Above the Deal Breaker”
i missed you dearly 39
@15
I prefer Ezra Pound.
There are situps and there are pullups. Personally, I prefer pullups.
I feel terrible about all of this. Or maybe its the swine flu. Either way, I feel terrible.
I’m sorry, Bess. Really.
Pump or dump. Discuss.
wait this is posted by DB, does that mean its combined BL/EP sentiment or is there a radical faction (return of carney?!) that has highjacked the intertubes!
@66- I think it means it’s a combined sentiment, but clearly written by BL.
Bess, I want to come all over your face
Is it wrong that this post made me incredibly hard?
WTF!!! Is it Festivus already?
BL, come sit next to me, I will make it all better.
everyone at working is driving me insane
-Mike Oxbig
Did I ever tell you guys about the time I was banging my secretary in the ass and a drunk Ken Lewis stumbled into the room and began to take part in the fun?
April fools right?
Is it OK to suck your own cock? Discuss.
Too Schindler: Didn’t List
@72. stop parading around as me.
thanks
Mike_Oxbig
I can’t suck cocks? That’s going to be a problem for me.
- SAC trader
“refrain from being cocksuckers”
well I never!
I, too, have been shamed into registering.
-Wall $t photog.
I really don’t see the problem with making everyone register. Putting your name on a post (even a screen name) will make people think a little more before posting. And it also gives DB the option on banning people–if you must.
@81- the problem is that most people don’t want to do it, as they’re paranoid about giving their firm’s a reason to fire them, founded or not.
Does anyone know, in general terms, what the quality of German-made products is?
Well, what the fuck. I just registered too.
Guest
@81 Judging by your comments, the “thinking before posting” part doesn’t seem to be working too well for you.
dammit – me too —
- guest, May 21, 2009 3:55pm
About the TAG: I’m a gay cocksucker, and if Deal Breaker continues to use that term pejoratively, then I will take my cookies and go home. In my world it’s the highest compliment, but I guess that’s why there’s a Chelsea anyway. Oh, and Anderson Cooper says “Hey”
Can I register as ‘Boss Levin’ or ‘Equitable Private’ ?
Remember to donate to the TGFD memorial fund at http://www.tgfd.org
– Snake Plissken
@82 How does registering give the firm a reason to fire you? You can register using a personal account. And your firm (if regulated by the SEC) has access to your computer activity (registered or not).
If we hit 100 comments by market close everyone gets a free Chalupa.
81 Banning people? Who the fuck are you Pol Pot?
“Coming up, on a very special Blossom…”
Too Bess, I am leaving..
I hate talks.
@25, cfa here, memorial day weekend? what’s that?
well played 88
I am so nervous now when I comment. I don’t know what to do or say anymore. Its a sunny day out.
Great. No chalupas. Way to go, “team players”.
@ 72, Call me.
- Wanda Sukok
100?
Great. No chalupas. Way to go, “team players”.
So I was banging Ken Lewis in the ass, when my secretary walked in and told me that I had to go to DealBreaker for a very important massage… err I mean “message”.
It’s like when someone tells that batshit crazy cousin to sit down, shut up, and not play with knives. It feels good because now you’re not as worried about him burning the house down, but kind of sad too b/c you kind of missed watching what he would do next. In the end though, it’s a good thing.
104, slight cough, general achiness.
What is a chalupa?
@85
Exactly my point. Now my prior ignorant posts can be tracked and if they become a problem, I can be booted–Pol Pot style.
Is DB too concerned that it is NSFW because of the comments? The post itself is NSFW.
I don’t get it.
Though I have to say that this site took a hit in the quality of comments when it became too political. So that’s what you get when you want to increase traffic, a whole lot of assholes that don’t care about anything else except their own narrow view of the world.
Snake must die.
-Paying Dowry to Mr. & Mrs. Levin Since 2006
Someone needs Midol
104 It’s that bloodsucking goatkiller currently terrorizing the state of Puerto Rico dumbass.
Bess,
For the love of god or anything else you find sacred, please add a rule forbidding the posting of bad poetry in comments. PLEASE! It makes my brain ache.
“Hi, are we your mothers?”
No, Ruprecht, she’s not our mother.
It’s El Chupabcabra, not to be confused with El Rushbo.
“Is DB too concerned that it is NSFW because of the comments? The post itself is NSFW.
I don’t get it.”
That’s obvious. But thanks for the odd interpretation of what we were getting at.
106
Not our fault Wall Street is on K Street now.
Bess,
For the love of god or anything else you find sacred, please add a rule forbidding the posting of bad poetry in comments. PLEASE! It makes my brain ache.
@106 I don’t think it’s the politics which ruined it. It’s disproportionately large number of moronic, unfunny comments which must have shocked the bosses at DB prompting this missive from Bess.
112 Whatever – they both scare the shit out of me.
116 Bess is the Boss.
Do the rules apply to Equity Private?
I’m setting up breakerdeal.com where people will be free to talk about sodomizing their secretary and other sundry topics of ill-repute.
@SB II
Nice! EP, refer to Rules 1 & 2.
@106– if you don’t like the political posts, just the stuff by bess.
the whole uncomfortable conversation could have been avoided by adding up/down modding to each comment.. ala Slashdot.org or digg.
@ 110 That hurts dude
can we have an amnesty day/period like friday afternoons when anything goes and we can get back to discussing urban dictionary sayings? too scared to post sweet thoughts.
@girl,
I was hoping he meant WilliamBanzai.
Yours never offends.
COCK!!! BALLS!!
Wait, what?
The most annoying thing, by far, on Dealbreaker is that “Above the Law” graphic.
Well, where the hell am I going to post my inane ramblings now, huh?!?!
–Wharton ’08
Too banal, didn’t anal
@125- I’ll think about it. But to be clear- we don’t have any problem whatsoever with urban dictionary sayings, so long they’re not being simply strewn all over the walls for no apparent reason, but rather used purposefully in conversation. Ex. cock-bush: http://dealbreaker.com/2009/04/this-is-no-big-deal-a-certain.php
Do you really think I’d want to ban ever hearing the term clownface in a sentence again?
@128 – Have you ever seen the dealbreaker ad, with the fuzzy guy feeding grapes to Thai hooker? you think i am kidding but I am not
wow, the love only grows for BL (in an above board, sisterly way of course).
@ 126 Thank you
I would be lying if I said that Bess does not scare the living shit out of me. I need a Xanax and some Johnny Walker.
I think my “Love Hotel” joke started all this.
~Hikarue Shozowa
Is this the end of zombie Shakespeare?
no this is the end of don’t be a friggin idiot
Wait, if I stop posting on dealbreaker, Bess will come and find me?
@138- yes. this needed to be said. it’s not that hard.
@139- if you’re lucky!
I think you just threw the baby out with the bath water.
I love the skrip club.
-Pacman Jones
Is TGFD really suspended? Because I didn’t want to dignify his ridiculousness with a response but he was driving me batshit insane.
Nothing is fucked. The usual inanity will be back by next week. I could do without the annoying LOBSTERCLOPS guy though.
This post will have no consequence. Moderating comments requires the time of a DB staff member, time which is better spent finding pictures of hookers former governor have fucked, inventing ridiculous nicknames for the executives at various financial institutions. This parental post is nice and all, but the comment section will still read like a 1,000 monkeys pounding on 1,000 keyboards while rolling on E and fantasizing about an inter-species orgy with the DB staff.
@blnd– yes (for the second time this month).
Eh, what the heck, I finally subscribed. Stop staring.
@146- and what makes you think they won’t be moderating moving forward?
This comment thread is giving me a massive headache that has nothing to do with being hungover (good call xanax/johnny walker @ 125)
@146 because there are two of them and a hell of a lot more of us. Their revenue is dependent on fresh content, not a tidy comment board. It doesn’t make business sense for DB to spend anytime telling people to play nice.
What would make sense if to require full-on registration. But that ain’t going to happen because posting a comment on DB is a lot like riding a moped: it’s fun, until someone sees you.
@149 because there are two of them and a hell of a lot more of us. Their revenue is dependent on fresh content, not a tidy comment board. It doesn’t make business sense for DB to spend anytime telling people to play nice.
What would make sense if to require full-on registration. But that ain’t going to happen because posting a comment on DB is a lot like riding a moped: it’s fun, until someone sees you.
@analyst– I think the ladies are letting us get in one last hurrah on this post, having had to know we’d need to shoot our loads before the rules go into effect.
moped rider@152/151- you are a silly little man who has apparently never heard of unpaid interns.
That’s a dealbreaker ladies.
Damn Bess, you went to Costco and stocked up opn Whup-Ass?
@Bess, I might be silly, but little I’m not.
When some wild-eyed, eight-foot-tall maniac website host grabs your neck, taps the back of your favorite head up against the barroom wall, and he looks you crooked in the eye and he asks you if ya paid your dues, you just stare that big sucker right back in the eye, and you remember what ol’ Jack Burton always says at a time like that: “Have ya posted something stupid, Jack?” “Yessir, the comment’s trying to post.”
Please, no jokes about getting your BJ’s Wholesale.
@157- prove it.
@161 LOL
@157 Let’s see your clippers.
@157 Let’s see your clippers.
@100
How do you feel about chongas?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mBVP4E2Cuk8
I’m so angry I’m going to go ATM Ken Lewis and his secretary.
Too suck. Didn’t it.
The new DB RULES and REGULATIONS came from White House.
Think of yourself as Wall Street bank CEO or GM.
Don’t worry guys, just one of those PMS days. To hell with that hormone!
Let me tell you, I didn’t intentionally bare myself, but now, I wish I had. For it’s not me who has been exposed, but you. For I have seen the nipple on your soul.
Bess and EP just had a case of panty waddage. The thong went were it don’t belong. They will be fine tomorrow.
Henry Blodget gave his readership a BJ today. And we get this?http://www.businessinsider.com/henry-blodget-thank-you-2009-5
WTF?
i love the “too menstrual, couldn’t bleed” comment
Too Tamp. Couldn’t on.
Man’s got his woman to take his seed
He’s got the power – oh
She’s got the need
She spends her life through pleasing up her man
She feeds him dinner or anything she can
She cries alone at night too often
He smokes and drinks and don’t come home at all
Only women bleed
Only women bleed
Only women bleed
Man makes your hair gray
He’s your life’s mistake
All you’re really lookin’ for is an even break
He lies right at you
You know you hate this game
He slaps you once in a while and you live and love in pain
She cries alone at night too often
He smokes and drinks and don’t come home at all
Only women bleed
Only women bleed
Only women bleed
Only women bleed
Only women bleed
Only women bleed
Only women bleed
Black eyes all of the time
Don’t spend a dime
Clean up this grime
And you there down on your knees begging me please come
Watch me bleed
Only women bleed
Only women bleed
Only women bleed
Only women bleed
Only women bleed
Only women bleed
Only women bleed
this needed needed to be said. really. stop to think about the fact that you’re assholes, and these girls provide free, valuable content that you shit all over.
– not bess or ep
@175- yes. the douchebags here need to grow up. it’s really depressing.
JM@49- and? sorry you were dumb enough to read the whole thing. here’s your 5 minutes back: ______________
well damn! now we have to play by the rules…pftt
well damn! now we have to play by the rules…pftt
(did ya’ll take TARP money?)
@175 – Bess isn’t just some “girl”, she’s the songbird of her generation.
@180- I didn’t mean any disrespect. Bess is amazing. it makes me sad that a bunch of jerk-offs can’t , in the words of our fair lady, “restrain from being cocksuckers.”
Bess, Steve Cohen here. I’m sorry, baby, okay? Is that what you wanted to hear? I’ll be good, I promise.
My guess for the primary reason the comment quality is going downhill: DB is getting blocked at more places, so those of us with jobs are less likely to comment (leaving the floor free for the monkeys).
–Blocked Fan at Barcap
@183- db is only blocked at ms, barclays and bac. not jpm, not gs, not any funds. your theory is incorrect.
@183- no offense, and awesome that you’re a fan, but you work at barcap. as 184 stated, the brainpower isn’t blocked. they’re still reading (I work at a fund in Stamford that shall remain nameless), but we simply can’t make up for the influx of “cocksuckers.”
Wish I could do more, BL. Love you.
Bess for Prez in ’12. She won’t raise taxes and she’s got mad biceps. Oops. I said “bi”. Hope I don’t get banned.
- uncle Vik Pandit
hey, dave? since we know you’re reading, but were too much of a pussy to leave a comment here, and had to do it over at clusterfuck (where you commented both on bess and ep’s work, the db commenters, and this actual post, meaning you consistently read here), suck a dick. douchebag.
http://www.businessinsider.com/henry-blodget-thank-you-2009-5#comment-4a15e62614b9b91d00aa2d25
@187- yes. amusing that “dave” doesn’t get that the three to five comments that get posted on clusterstock (sometimes as many as ten! or twenty!) are bearable because their numbers suck. clusterstuck does a good job of getting a ton of stories up (not hard, given that, in terms of bylines, they have about 5 editors), but the commentary is painfully unfunny and have they ever, ever broken news? that’s what i thought.
I agree with @123 – moderation by users as Slashdot does lets everyone browse at a level suited to their needs. If you want to read all the mayo, sham-wow, and sodomized secretary comments, browse at the “-1″ Troll level. If you only want to read the best quality comments, browse at “+4″ or “+5″; sadly, this will limit your time at DB to about 3 minutes a day.
As I said months ago, “Bess you is my woman now.”
Ain’t no woman come close to you, my Bess.
I loves you Bess.
Porgy
C’mon Bess, let’s rub some HGH on ourselves to make it all good again
- Lenny Dykstra
so many rules, it’s like a strip club
TRB
Bess, come sit on my lap, lets talk about the first thing that pops up.
They’re saying there will be 3K of us taking the CFA in Chicago, but that’s all three levels.
i think i see the guy from delaware on this video page:
http://www.iget2work.com/quilt/default.aspx
That rule about being funny is an “epic fail.” Most of you appear to be desperate nerds that wank off to Bess at exactly 9:01pm each evening. Stick to smart because nerds aren’t funny.
That rule about being funny is an “epic fail.” Most of you appear to be desperate nerds that wank off to Bess at exactly 9:01pm each evening. Stick to smart because nerds aren’t funny.
What is TGFD? What is Mayo? I’m new
@198- no, you’re not, or you wouldn’t know mayo, since it’s not mentioned in the post. STFU.
200
Nothing like a post about comments to draw comments
@199. You’re even more embarrassing. Just spit it out if you knew. Take a peek @7, @15, @189 you dolt. Ever heard of [Ctrl]F ??
Man, you loser still posting in this dead thread? Get a life aholes.
TGFD Lives!
Last Bitches!
SPODE
How did you find out about the mad crapper? It was a conference room and a couple of mens’ rooms, not a stairwell.