$$$ Jamie Dimon could've enclosed a nice note with the TARP check he sent the government, like Lloyd Blankfein did, or written "suck it" in magazine clippings, or enclosed pictures of him doing T. Geith's wife. Instead, he had a minion shove the money in a bag which Dealbook notes, "didn't include any comment from the firm's chief executive." That's what you call cold. Ice cold. [Dealbook]

$$$ "The recession is great." [Forbes via AWL]

$$$ Lisa Maria Falcone: The Lost Interview [Cityfile]

We cut you guys down prettay, prettay, prettay frequently. It's all warranted, of course, but we've decided we should be pumping you up, too, for the things you occasionally get right. Moving forward, we'll be taking the time to highlight the best comments from the peanut gallery (please note that the frequency of these little back pats will be dependent a) how badly you show me you want it and b) how lazy we're feeling). I don't know if it was the sharks or the coke, but today a whole bunch of you brought it and brought it hard. Two in particular.

Re: Cantillion Capital Closing Up Shop, letter from von Mueffling:

17 June 2009

Dear Investor,

After eleven years in the hedge fund business, six of which have been at Cantillon, my colleagues and I have concluded that the opportunity going forward for our investors is to focus on our long-only Global Equity business exclusively. This decision has been made for two reasons.

Within the thick blanket of new regulatory proposals unveiled today was a plan that would require firms securitizing loans to retain 5% of the credit risk and prohibit hedges for that risk which would "undermine the economic tie between the originator and the issued asset-backed security". The issue of aligning interests in ABS trades is a valid one. However, when the Fed sees zero interest for the first round of CMBS TALF loans, and the administration has paid such lip service to the need to reignite the securitization market, picking a seemingly arbitrary amount of credit risk for ABS issuers to retain is a confusing first step at best.

Wall Street Calls Obama's Mortgage-Market Debt Plan a Burden [Bloomberg]

The hedge fund that kicked Veronica Hearst out of her Palm Beach mansion and forced Elizabeth Taylor and Kathy Ireland to bankrupt their jewelry business through predatory financing is now in some trouble of its own. With multiple lawsuits against the firm, along with huge losses in its investments and a lack of liquidity, some investors are balking at the methods the fund used to lock down its capital while returning money to a preferred group. Tied into the mess are questions about what value assets remaining in the fund are now actually worth. There's talk there could be an investor takeover of the fund.

New Stream Capital makes its money through lending, at high double-digit interest rates, to luxury home owners and commercial businesses that find them self in a short-term cash crunch. Preying on distressed situations, they typically secure the financing with assets worth more than the loan, change the terms of the loan forcing the borrower into default, and then load on enormous fees that often take rates above legal usury rates. They also buy life insurance settlement contracts at a discount and bet when the person will die so they can collect. Last August founder David Bryson issued a release claiming the firm had $1.2 billion in assets - a 2008 audit report on the financial condition of New Stream Secured Capital and Subsidiaries shows assets are $724,993,484.

California may be out of cash in a couple weeks, but they do have enough money to throw a multi million dollar victory parade for the Lakers. While the club may cover half the cost, the LA city budget will be covering the rest of the festivities unless there are private donations. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa is adamant about this.

We're going to have a parade. People can complain about it, that's fine, but we're going to have a parade."

No word yet on who will be paying for Kobe's victory parade.

L.A.'s Broke but Still Wants a Party [WSJ]

God love this bank.

Citi has a back/middle office in Warren, NJ and also (this'll make sense in a second) buses that go back/forth between there and its other NYC offices for employees.

This dude recently (Thursday) got fired for lateness, but takes company transportation to work everyday, so it's clearly not his fault. It gets better.

Hey hey hey my girlies (and boyzies who don't mind doing women's work*). Do you want to assist in the administration of a very successful and prestigious hedge fund? Is you smart? Is you hungry? Is you prepared to get it done right, the first time? Is you ambitious but sufficiently submissive to not correct your boss when he screws up simple grammar and spelling? Then read on.

The coked up kind? But seriously: we're ten minutes into the Frontline documentary on the Bank of Amerillwide deal (which you should watch if you've got an hour in the middle of the day to spare, and who doesn't). Andrew Ross Sorkin has just described Bank of America (pre-MER ingestion) thusly: "They're sharks...but they're not Wall Street sharks...it's a different type of uh, of...of sea these people are swimming in." Somebody help me out here.

Update: We called up Charlie Gasparino, who's also featured in the documentary, to see if he knew what kind of shark a Bank of America shark would be. Sayeth CG: "I love Andrew Sorkin, I think he's a great reporter, but I didn't get the shark comment. Sharks don't get bullied into doing one day of due diligence. Sharks don't assume billions of dollar of losses on their books. Sharks don't agree to outlandish executive pay." (Chaz also told us, when asked if he had an other issues with the show, "I thought they softpedalled John Thain's statements on Merrill's finances over the year, and what they did to the market.")

Former AIG CEO Hank Greenberg must be feeling a lot like Colonel Jessep. AIG sued Greenberg for his role in canceling a deferred compensation plan for executives and running away with millions of AIG shares which were then sold over time for close to $4.3 billion. After a testy day on the stand yesterday, AIG's attorney turned up the heat today looking for Greenberg to admit he ordered the code red and broke his fiduciary duty to the executives.

Protecting the security of your shit.

In response to this morning's report that Rick/Richard Stahl, one of two former Madoff traders suing Bernie's sons Andy and Mark for $1.34 million in deferred compensation, and the description of Stahl as "a real hot head who always tried to physically intimidate people in the work place," another ex-employee writes:

This couldn't be further from the truth. I was a Madoff trader who traded alongside Rick for 3 years. He never, ever, used his size (which isn't that big to begin with) to threaten anybody. Rick was/is a great trader and was both well respected and well liked on the trading floor.

The Journal reports that William von Mueffling is set to inform Cantillion hedge fund investors today that it's been real. Moving forward CANtillon will be focusing its efforts on the long-only biz.

The plans mark the end of Cantillon funds now holding about $3.5 billion in assets, people familiar with the matter say.

The closures will leave Cantillon with about $1 billion primarily invested in stocks that the firm expects to rise in value, also known as long-only investments, the people said. The New York firm's closures will affect the majority of its business, its hedge funds, which bet on both rising and falling stocks. James O'Brien, the firm's chief operating officer, declined to comment.

Matthew Goldstein says yes, as evidenced by the fact that no cruel or unusual restrictions or regulations are placed on them in the financial regulatory reform package (early drafts stated that managers had to appear on Power Lunch and interface with Dennis Kneale at least once a week, in addition to requiring them to wear fishnets and heels while trading or, in the case of firms that would welcome such attire, banned anything deemed "chick garb"). Obviously some hedge fund leading light is responsible for getting 'Bama to change his tune post-Chrysler public tongue lashing (and Biff Basness performance art). The question is who and how?

Lehman simply can't quit Mark Walsh. Even though the former head global head of real estate helped bring down the firm through a series of ruinous transactions, Lehman's estate selected a group headed by Walsh and several of his colleagues to manage the real estate focused PE arm he previously oversaw, Lehman Brothers Real Estate Partners. Adding credibility to this decision is the Federal investigation into whether or not Walsh's team improperly valued Lehman's CRE holdings to bolster the firm's sheet and a civil suit on behalf of New Jersey pension funds claiming Walsh and his team defrauded them by misrepresenting Lehman's real estate portfolio.

Lehman Property Boss Returns [WSJ]

That's right, please, by all means, reduce I-Trump to a rack that got hired because she shares DNA with the boss. That way you'll be least expecting it when she lays her business skills on your ass.

The dynastic daughter is definitely cut from the same cloth as her father and he has been a tough and effective tutor, whether that's schooling his daughter in the workings and politics of a construction site or how to market the Trump name. And she's proved to be a very quick learner. She has moved out of the shadow of Donald Sr. and is much more than just the boss's daughter. Associates and colleagues have often noted that in negotiations, people soon realize they are not dealing with some flunky. There is also much praise for her decisiveness. Although this hasn't stopped some people from assuming that Daddy's little girl will be a pushover. Her technique, apparently, is to let them think that for as long as possible, believing that these misjudgments and blind spots give her more power at the negotiating table. She is able to wrong-foot them and take advantage of the situation.

In case you missed it, the NYSE's summer interns rang the opening bell today. Adorable, etc, etc, etc, and a good excuse for us to talk fresh meat. What's the deal with everyone's child laborers this year? If you're working at a government-owned entity, were they offered the gig at a significantly reduced rate? Are they getting actual work to do what with most of the actual employees having been fired? Would you say they're exuding less cockiness on account of "the economy" or more, since they know you no longer have a BSD with which to slap them into submission? Verbal abuse/looks/freebies-- what's changed? Is management more or less likely to be okay with MD/intern "relationships"? Let's get into this.

He is no Bernie or Danny Pang but Philip Baker is trying to do the midwest proud and raise the region's profile in the national fraud standings. Baker, former managing director of Chicago-based Lake Shore Asset Management Ltd., who is conveniently nowhere to be found, is accused of using false information to solicit over $300 million from investors to invest in commodity futures. Some of the promises Baker made with his fingers crossed behind his back were:

- that the commodity pools generated positive returns since 1993 -- including returns of more than 50 percent in one year -- when it actually experienced millions of dollars in trading losses;

-- that no management fee would be charged and participants would pay only a "profit incentive fee" if the pools generated profits, when in fact Baker charged more than $30 million in fees and converted millions in investor funds to his own use though the pools were not profitable; and

-- that he co-founded Lake Shore in 1993, and it was regulated by U.S. authorities, when in fact he was not officially associated until January 2007. There are no allegations of wrongdoing involving Lake Shore Inc.

Chicago hedge fund director sought for $300 million fraud [Chicago Sun Times]

The following post is by "Gatzzb," a friend of Dealbreaker.

Over the last decade few investors have been more quoted - and emulated - than Warren Buffett, the Oracle of Omaha. And for good reason. Mr. Buffett remains one of the most talented investment managers, capital allocators and business managers of our generation with a track record few have come close to matching. Just read any of his letters from the last 30 years and you'll quickly understand why (sex jokes help). But with his long time passive stake in Moody's Corp (MCO), I believe Mr. Buffett has practiced what he has often preached against: putting profits before ethics.

The Daily News reports that former Madoff traders Reed Abdend and Richard Stahl have filed separate suits requesting $473,940 and $1.34 million in deferred compensation, respectively, from Bernie's boys Mark and Andy (pictured at left on one of their many fishing trips). For those of you thinking the Stahl character sounds familiar but can't quite place him, we're told that "Richard," now working at First New York Securities, was previously known on Bloomberg as "Rick," but wisely changed his name after the whole Ponzi thing. He also played football for Holy Cross as a tackle and is described as "a real hot head who always tried to physically intimidate people in the work place." Up until recently (let's peg it as December 2008) he apparently "kissed Mark and Andy's asses." Now, not so much!

Abdend, you'll recall, is the guy who got into a slapfest with Andy and his girlfriend Catherine outside a Chinese restaurant. If anyone here is looking to to hire a new employee who'll inject a little infamy-by-association into the shop, here's the cover letter Reed was circulating earlier this year (not sure if he's since landed a job, so act fast).

To Whom It May Concern:

I would like to take this opportunity to set the record straight regarding my position at Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities. I am sure that you are aware that the firm no longer exists due to the fraudulent activities of the owner in a separate part of the business. My position in the firm was in the proprietary division on the 19th floor, which was separate in records, location, personal, and management. The employees in the market making and proprietary units are victims of this fraud.

The House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform has "invited" Ben Bernanke to come have a chat June 25. First order of business: whether or not B-nanke lubed up the Bank of America/Merrill deal by threatening harm to Lewis's employment status/kidneys unless KL did exactly as he was told (keep the Merrill losses hush hush 'til the right time, show us a smile). Presumably the Fed chair has RSVP'd that he'll be there with bells on, which is great.

And by great I mean: yet another reminder of how badly this thing was blown. Bald, Beard and Boone's all should have received invitations to discuss the situation individually and then, SURPRISE-- you're all doing this at the same time. Side by side, in the most awkward manner possible. Two hours in Lewis would've utilized the wastebasket next to the table to puke (on account of nerves associated with having Paulson sitting close enough that he could easily break all of KL's fingers with minimal effort, and a breakfast of booze). Three hours in Ang Moz would've busted through the backdoor under the misguided impression that he'd been asked to appear as a character witness. Four hours in-- anyone's guess. Instead, Bernanke will show up and remain fairly calm while the definition of the word threat is debated for half a day.

Goldman Regrets 'Market Euphoria' That Led to Crisis (Dealbook)
...claims Lloyd Blankfein in a letter to Barney Frank, Spencer Bachus and the rest of the House Financial Services Committee that begins, "as you know, Goldman Sachs is scheduled to repay [Wednesday] the government's $10 billion preferred investment in our firm through the TARP's Capital Purchase Program," rambles on about the lessons GS has apparently learned and closes thusly: "suck it, bitches, $100 million bonuses comin' at ya in 3...2...1..."

White House Details Financial Revamp Plan (WSJ)
Eighty-five pages of bathroom reading right here.

Morgan Stanley Offers Investors In Hedge Funds New Option (WSJ)
"The New York firm plans to announce as soon as Wednesday that hedge-fund clients will be allowed to hold part of their assets in Morgan Stanley Trust National Association, a trust company owned by Morgan Stanley. Previously, such assets were held in the firm's brokerage units."

Three Steps To Financial Reform, By George Soros (FT)
Step number one: Alan Greenspan must admit he fucked this bitch up bad. Real bad.

One Of You Should Shell Out The Cash For This (AWL)
John Delorean's Augusta National Golf Club green members jacket and golf bag tag to be auctioned at Christie's June 23.