Many of you have been asking lately why there’s been nary a peep from CNBC on-air editor-cum-Dealbreaker mascot Charlie Gasparino ’round these parts. The simple answer is that Chaz is on book leave from the peacock, leaving us with little material. But that doesn’t do much to sate the yearning you never thought you’d have for CG, or make the painful withdrawals you people are experiencing during this period of separation anymore bearable, does it? It does not. And so, because we are always working for you, today we offer a shot of Gaspo. It’s not the same as having his mug up in your face day in and day out, reporting his scoops from down by the docks, but it’s something.
Reached at his vacation home in Connecticut, Gaspar, dressed to the nines in a pair of boxers and a beater, told us he’s gone without a shave for “about five days,” and, with the facial hair growing in gray for the first time ever, is “starting to resemble Dick Bové.” We delivered the message that you guys are seriously broken up about a CNBC sans CG, to which he offered, “Listen, when you write a book this big and sprawling, it takes time.” Before getting down to what’s been up with Gaspo, though, we were informed that Kate Kelly’s new book, Street Fighters, supposedly gets shit wrong about the Oracle of Rego Park. Opening up his copy, Charles noted that on page 159, Kelly claims he and Jimmy Cayne went to a celebratory dinner after Warren Spector was ousted from Bear. Not so, claimed CG!
“The Sunday before I broke the news on CNBC, I was up in CT, about to throw a lobster in a boiling pot of water. I’d poured myself a martini but hadn’t yet taken a sip,” Chazpo told us, getting heated. “Cayne called me and I said, ‘To what do I deserve such an honor,’ sarcastically, because he hadn’t been returning my calls around that time. Cayne told me he wanted to explain what happened. So we went to some Chinese place– Shun Lee Palace– and he told me the story. Straightforward. Kelly made it sound like we were popping champagne, acting all chummy. The whole concept of me being chummy with Jimmy at that point is BS.”
That was all duly noted, we told Chaz, but what we really wanted to do was get down to the nitty-gritty of what he’s been up to. Sleeping ’til noon? Shaking down CEOs? Waking up not knowing what city he’s in? Gasps says his schedule lately is more like this:
– Wake up around 7:30 (“I don’t sleep late unless I’m drinking heavily the night before”)
– Read the Post, glance at the other papers
– Drink “heavy duty amounts of coffee”
– “And then: I write,” apparently, for hours
– Sometime in the afternoon, “I work-out for about an hour and a half. If I’m in Connecticut, I jog 5.5 miles, and then do a lot of pull-ups (30 on the first set, wide grip). If I’m in the city, I jog to the track by the East River. I do 36 sets–sets, not reps– of pull-ups, 18 sets of push-ups, 5 50-yard dashes, then jog home.
– Quick work-out story: a few weeks ago, when CG was at the track, he’s “doing pull ups, grunting.” All of a sudden, he hears someone behind him “grunting in unison.” Know who it was? Jimmy Cayne. No, I wish. “It was a two year old,” Charles recalled. “He was there with his mom. Wanted to be like me, I guess.”
– Go home and write “lots of times ’til 1 in the morning”
Though we begged him to name a specific date we can all mark on our calenders for his official, full-time return to CNBC, Charles would only say “as the book load writing and re-writing lightens up, expect me on more and more.” Okay, fine. Who do you miss the most over there, we asked. Michelle Caruso Cabrera, prepare to hold back the tears, because the answer was a resounding “Nobody.” (Having sensed an undeniable chemistry with Mark Haines in the past, we wondered if perhaps the real answer was “Nobody, except Mark.” CG only replied ruefully, “Mark is a great guy. No comment on anyone else.”)
Finally, Gasparino suggested you guys give his work-out routine a shot, though, he told us “Judging by the comments on Dealbreaker, these are men who are really women, and no woman could complete my regime.”
Chaz has been like a ghost – make that a gabba-ghoul.
I just shit my pants in laughter.
Hello,
I am Mr. Gasparino’s Proctologist. Mr. Gasparino has been suffering from severely impacted feces that have blocked up the normal expulsion of fecal matter from his system. As a result, a large amount of these feces are being reabsorbed into Mr. Gasparino’s blood stream. He is now suffering from a condition referred to as colorectal cranial fecal impaction – aka “shit for brains”. Please disregard his comments as Mr. Gasparino is not a well man.
Regards,
Dr. Fingenspiel
I could do that work out with my arms tied behind my back.
– Maria Bartiromo
Come on, this cant be real Bess. If it is, you are wasting your talents on this site. So damn funny. What an unbelievable ballbag this guy is.
“Come on, this cant be real Bess. ”
And, yet, it is.
oh bleecht. you should have just left him in his ct cave and not sought him out. too banal, didn’t read.
36 sets of 1 or 2 pullups each does not 36 sets make, chuck.
You and me Chucky, bench press, wanna go?
El Guapo has a plethora of gifts…
fuck off, anonymous cnbc employee@7.
what’s the point of this article?
@Anal_yst,
Bench press is a high school metric.
“Quick work out story”
That right there says everything you need to know about C-Gas.
@11- to let you know what’s about with gasparino, el stupido.
No mention of tying the sausage and peppers stand to his waist in order to build resistance on said jogs? The lies that lying liars lie…
-Lonely in Sty Town
Bess, you just reached a whole new level. Well done.
@15, agreed. This post FTW.
Why do they keep rolling this saucer-faced hatchet wound out on CNBC? Julie the Polack, please die now.
This is absurd.
– Quick work-out story: a few weeks ago, when CG was at the track, he’s “doing pull ups, grunting.” All of a sudden, he hears someone behind him “grunting in unison.” Know who it was? Jimmy Cayne. No, I wish. “It was a two year old,” Charles recalled. “He was there with his mom. Wanted to be like me, I guess.”
BOILING LOBSTERCLOPS
(Filling in for the lobster guy. A better setup I cannot imagine)
@12
And you’re suggesting what, preytell?
Thanks for the value-add bra!
If it makes you feel better I’ll also accept Chucky’s 50-yard sprint challenge while I’m at it.
We need CG as a guest writer to take DB to the next level. Some pocket change for Gaspo and hilarity for all. A win-win for everyone.
@lowly– absurd and glorious.
@22- no, CG can’t write/be funny. what we need is some sort of weekly feature in which bess calls up CG and the posts the results of the chat.
@24 I meant unintentional hilarity, of course. CG “being himself” should suffice.
-22
@25- but he needs to be filtered through BL, who adds the subtle jokes at his expense.
–24
amazing
@ Lowly
I imagine the kid watching Charlie hammer his lats with the wide grip pullups and channeling a young Forrest Gump.
“heegh! heegh! heegh!”
-Nominate me
Dr. Fingenspiel @3…That was F’en funny! I can’t stop fucken laughing!
Thanks
@ Anal_yst,
I’m suggesting that the bench press is primarily used by immature children as a barometer of fitness and/or manliness. Any serious athlete understands that the bench press is merely an exercise and is not a very good gauge of overall ability.
As for my value-added, bra, your comment makes you sound like a retarded meathead. So why don’t you take a few days off of commenting and engage in some serious self-reflection.
If you wanna have a go at Chucky, step in the ring with him. But your 50-yard dash does make me feel somewhat better.
Hugs and Kisses,
12
BL– your most hilarious work comes out when the subjects are Chaz and Steve Cohen. Perhaps consider a show/play/novel starring them two? Long-lost brothers?
@12/30
WOOOOOSH!
Hear that? That’s the sarcasm going right over your head, but thanks for playing.
Glad I could make you feel a little better with my 2nd comment though, makes me all warm & tingly inside.
So that is what that smell was…and really 5 50yard dashes ( with or without karate Kid music )? I am a little disapointed, I expected to hear about waking up at 2pm after a night of beating up worn out hookers with the Spits but whatever ya pussy.
Hey good luck with the coloring book Gaspo.
So that is what that smell was…and really 5 50yard dashes ( with or without karate Kid music )? I am a little disapointed, I expected to hear about waking up at 2pm after a night of beating up worn out hookers with the Spits but whatever ya pussy.
Hey good luck with the coloring book Gaspo.
Bess you always impress. Fantastic stuff darling. You’ve got the goods!
I actually stopped pounding my secretary in her ass to read this and I am glad I did.
Jizra Pounder
@37 My secretary read this post to me while I was pounding her in the ass!
Does CG have the AIDS or something? Starting to look a little like Philadelphia Tom Hanks there.
@37 My secretary read this post to me while I was pounding her in the ass!
@12/30 is clearly Chaz. Just saying.
That being said, Chaz, the bench-press would only be called a “high school metric” by some skinny-ass pull-up track queen. No disagreements on boxing being the true measure of manliness though.
P.S. Bess, consider @32′s suggestion. That’s brilliant.
He left out the heavy duty bowel movement that follows the heavy duty amounts of coffee (on top of the heavy duty Chinese food and martinis the night preceding).
@38/40 – You have a good secretary. She is a keeper.
@ Anal_yst
That your Gas-Bag challenge was facetious was not lost on me. I merely critiqued your joke and responded to a request for clarification of my point. The subtleties of my joke were, it appears, lost on you. That being: bench press is a poor metric of fitness and I’d prefer to see you go out back with Gaspo and box like men.
Are you always this much of a dick to people who answer your questions?
What has happened to all the lunch meat Charles had stashed in the CNBC communal kitchen fridge?
Did Erin Burnett eat it or is it still sitting there, molding with the “you toucha my meat, i breaka you face” post-it note on it?
@44
Yes he is.
Chaz tried to scoop me in the ass once in the Equinox steam room.
@47 What took you so long? Now this post is complete.
@44
Nah, just a bit overcaffinated today, don’t take it personally.
Naturally I agree with you, though.
And Boxing or some type of fight with chucky would be fun, although I fear he doesn’t exactly subscribe to “gentleman’s rules” so-to-speak.
Boxing, seriously? What an antiquated sport… If chaz/dealbreaker wants to set up a charity MMA tournament, I will happily sign up, but save the stupid boxing challenges.
What a life this guy has! “His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down two thousand dollars to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors, and have sex without dating. That’s a fantasy camp.”
@ Anal_yst
What about jousting with salami (or other Italian meat)? Whether with actual logs of salami…or say, with your penises at Equinox.
There is no doubt that our boi Chaz would resort to punishing you with more than just an unruly fish hook.
-Nominate me
@50 it’s gonna be outside city limits on a floating barge a la Gangs of New York
I heard a rumer that Ron Insana is thoroughly full of shit. Confirm?
LOL, Bess. Literally.
Beautiful.
@38/40 My secretary read this post to me while pounding Charlie Gasparino in the ass.
This was hilarious, Bessiecakes.
@5- “Bess…you are wasting your talent on this site.”
Where would like to see them best put to use?
Hey yo Mistah “wide-grip,” when I do 36 set, or reps, or whatevuh, I usually do it with 15 or 20 severed heads of some lying rat snitches tied to my belt for “resistance.” Den, I swim 5.6 miles in da East Rivah, y’know for trainin’ (just in case cuz’ ya nevah know).
I nevah run tho’ It ain’t “dignified” know what I mean?
Den, I towel off and get me a Moolie broad, cuz’ regulah broads can’t take da powah of my testosterone, only dem big-butt Amazon Moolie bitches.
Den, Aftah I towel off again, I does me 36 sets, not reps, of push-ups, wit my hands on burnin’ hot spikes, y’know, ta toughen up da palms, den I do 40 sets, not reps of curls wit da rear end of an old’ Olds 98, with a couple-a stiffs in da trunk, y’know fer auth-en-ticity oah whatevuh.
Dis punk-ass Gasbag-a-rino sounds like a little girl. He oughtta try MY routine and den we could goes and gets some food.
Whatta you wanna eat?
I dunno, whadda you feel like eatin? I dunno, Vinnies? Naah, dat place is fulla shit, I say Apulies Amalfitan’ dey got great Ziti and dey got gabba-gool? you wanna kill yuhself.
Hey, howya doin’?