• 30 Jun 2009 at 11:30 AM

Bernie Madoff’s New Ponzi Scheme: HJs

By Bess Levin
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c
150 Years of Solitude
www.thedailyshow.com
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He’s gotta make a supplemental income somehow and you’ve gotta hand* it to the guy, he’s an investing genius.
*You like that? What I did just there?

Comments (17)

  1. 1
    Posted by guest | June 30, 2009 at 11:37 AM

    I’ve been doing this for years.

  2. 2
    Posted by guest | June 30, 2009 at 11:41 AM

    Hey Bess,
    You’re a great writer, do you think you could write a few articles under my name so I don’t suck so much?
    - G. Michaels

  3. 3
    Posted by guest | June 30, 2009 at 11:42 AM

    I *do* like what you did just there?

  4. 4
    Posted by guest | June 30, 2009 at 11:46 AM

    What’s a ZJ?

  5. 5
    Posted by guest | June 30, 2009 at 11:46 AM

    Funny but not their best work. Stewart becoming decrepit with each passing week.

  6. 6
    Posted by guest | June 30, 2009 at 11:48 AM

    @4 HJ, HJ. Hand job.

  7. 7
    Posted by guest | June 30, 2009 at 11:50 AM

    @4 if you have to ask, you can’t afford it.

  8. 8
    Posted by lieutenant winslow | June 30, 2009 at 11:51 AM

    there’s a spitzer joke in here somewhere but the combination of this morning’s adderrall and last night’s heinekens ‘ve got me all jammed up.

  9. 9
    Posted by guest | June 30, 2009 at 11:54 AM

    @4 you sicken me.
    -eliot spitzer

  10. 10
    Posted by guest | June 30, 2009 at 11:55 AM

    you’re a god damn ignoramus, @4
    -spitzer

  11. 11
    Posted by guest | June 30, 2009 at 12:08 PM

    HJ derivatives? Greg, there is light at the end of the tunnel for you.

  12. 12
    Posted by guest | June 30, 2009 at 12:13 PM

    Brahmacharya, bro.

  13. 13
    Posted by guest | June 30, 2009 at 12:27 PM

    Oh yeah I’ll
    Tell you something,
    I think you’ll understand
    When I
    Say that something,
    I wanna hold your gland.
    I wanna hold your gla-an-and
    Oh yet me hold your gland.
    And when you touch it
    It grows bigger, you’ll find,
    That holding hands is not what I
    Have in mind, have in mind, have in mind
    …
    Spread your legs and I’ll kiss it,
    Tomorrow I’ll miss it,
    Remember I’ll always be true.
    And then while I’m away,
    I’ll beat off every day,
    And I’ll send all my semen to you.

  14. 14
    Posted by guest | June 30, 2009 at 12:45 PM

    Way to rip off the two hand jobs per pack of cigarettes joke from The Onion John Stewart.

  15. 15
    Posted by guest | June 30, 2009 at 12:54 PM

    Madoff’s defense statement:
    “Do I really look like a guy with a plan? You know what I am? I’m a dog chasing cars. I wouldn’t know what to do with one if I caught it. I just… do things.”

  16. 16
    Posted by guest | June 30, 2009 at 8:46 PM

    Hey Bess where did you hear that abbreviation for handjob? you don’t hear HJ too often. I was kind of skeptical when I first read it but it’s really growing on me now – works pretty well.

  17. 17
    Posted by Bess Levin | June 30, 2009 at 10:06 PM

    @16 “handies” is also good.

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