10:05 According to prepared a statement from the Beard, the Fed acted with “the highest integrity,” he never told BAC management that action (like firing Lewis/killing him) would be taken if the MAC was invoked, and you bitches got nothing.
10:08 Rep. Edolphus Towns is getting kinky with his opening remarks. “It’s time to lift the shroud of secrecy on the Fed and stick a flashlight where the sun don’t shine.”
10:12 Rep Issa wants to give Bernanke “a full and complete opportunity” to prove he’s not a criminal. Issa is in desperate need of a better speech writer. I’m not going to be volunteering my services, as my loyalties lie with B-nanke, but perhaps some slithering virus might like the job.
10:15 Bernanke looks confident, as do the the 16 year olds behind him. Paulson was allegedly going to show up today but he’s not seated at the table, meaning it’s possible he’s going to make a surprise entrance halfway through to fuck some Congressional asses up.
10:22 Mic trubs. Can you hear me now? Now? How’s that? Can you hear me? (The kids behind Beard find the technical difficulties hilarious, as does Towns.)
10:26 Everything under control, prepared remarks being read. Blondie w/ Bangs is totally bored, can barely stifle yawns. Perhaps she’d be more entertained if B-nankes opened with this: “You have a particular grace and calm that I adore. You have a level of sophistication that is so fitting with your beauty. I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificently gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curves of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself) in the faded glow of night’s light — but hey, that would be going into the sexual details we spoke of at the steakhouse at dinner — and unlike you I would never do that!”
10:30 Confidential to the minor next to Blondie: are you daring to a) close your eyes b) smirk to your pal stage left? All while the Fed chair is talking?
10:33 Is kid a few rows behind Blondie is attempting to come off reflective by tapping fingers on pursed lips? Or seduce Kucinich?
10:36 Bernanke promised Lewis no specific amount to complete deal, though he did dangle a case of Boone’s on a stick in front of K to the L’s face while mouthing “you want it? come and get it.”
10:39 WHAT IS HAPPENING ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE ROOM? Has Bald entered the hizzous??
10:41 When Issa, who, in our professional opinion is getting way ahead of himself and is set to shoot his load with hours to go, told Bernanke he could make his point “briefly,” should Beard have gone with the Danza slap, clown face, or other?
10:47 Yes, Beard and his boys have asked Bank of America to reexamine its board and possibly make changes, and yes, if we’re going to be superficial, Kucinich is at the back of the pack when it comes to League Tables: How Hot Is The Congressional Staffer Sitting Behind You, though perhaps the guy does some good stuff with his tongue.
10:50 Rep whose name I missed is trying to spice this thing up. “Is Mr. Lewis lying? Did he lie? Is he lying?” Pipsqueak next to Blondie likes this.
10:53 While “I’m sure I can’t remember” is a good response to “Are you sure you can’t remember?” B-squared probably should’ve gone with “Kiss my ass and suck my dick… everyone” and walked out of the room.
10:59 Rep Jim Jordan is taking us back, way back, to the day in October Paulson rounded up all the CEOs in a room and suggested he’d put caps in all their asses if the TARP money wasn’t accepted. Apparently this is to establish a history of intimidation, in which case, why stop there? It’s common knowledge Hank cut his teeth the summer between high school and college working as a bike cop, and would regularly wear shorts cut loosely enough that he could dangle his Paulsons in people’s faces in such a way that implied, “Do not even entertain the thought of fucking with my shit.”
11:05 Tiger print, possibly a gal pal of Dick Fuld, doesn’t get why Lehmans (both of them) was allowed to fail.
Yessss. First instance of “I’m not a [insert profession here],” a longstanding tradition of Congressional Hearings. There’s a 10-spot in it for Beard if he mixes it up today with “I’m not a Brazilian waxer,” “I’m not an irrigation specialist,” “I’m not a publicly elected sucker of cock,” etc.
11:09 Bernanke doesn’t give a rat’s ass about the SEC and he’s got no regrets, when it comes to the BAC deal or anything in life [turns around to lady behind him, "Only that I didn't take you to Argentina when I had the chance, sweet cheeks."]
11:20 Rep. ‘Stache knows Lewis is the bad guy, not Bernanke. But he’s going on gut instinct, and needs some cold hard facts. Evidence. Damning pictures of Lewis passed out in the men’s room of a biker bar in Charlotte.
11:30 Bernanke says the SEC was not “willfully kept in the dark on Merrill’s losses,” which we buy, since it was probably as easy as saying “Hey, look, over there,” and then shoving them in a broom closet ’til the grown ups were done working.
11:42 Bernanke’s remained totally calm and shut these punks down at every turn but true or false: he’s slightly nervous about the prospect of having the insane 12 inch talons on Rep. Pink Lady being violently inserted in various orifices?
11:52 Rep Elijah Cummings: Did you think Ken Lewis was competent?
Bernanke: [the audio on CNBC's live feed dies. WAY TO FUCKING GO CNBC! Since we couldn't hear the actual answer, I'm going to assume it went something like this:] Do I think Ken Lewis was competent? Define “competent.” Do you consider a fall down drunk who eats a bottle of Schnapps for breakfast and then proceeds to load himself up sufficiently on the way to work such that by the time he gets there his brain is addled enough to identify the trading floor as a giant urinal, and take a piss on a bunch of commodities traders “competent”? Yeah? Then yes, I thought Ken Lewis was competent.
12:06 “Was it really necessary to save AIG?” “No, I just had some cash to blow.”
12:45 This needs to end, now. Since Blondie’s left the room, as have the other children, we suggest B-nankes tells Issa we’re done here, cuts his mic, turns to Scary Substitute Teacher and shows her his dancing feet, since she’s quite obviously been begging for it.
Fashionable sharp dressed beard
Ruthie rubbing elbows with the proles…
http://www.nypost.com/seven/06252009/news/regionalnews/manhattan/the_ruth_hurts_176041.htm
My money’s on The Beard. This will be the best one-man smack down of Congress for the year. No stuttering and lofty, terse comebacks. You wanna a piece of him?!
I bet da Beard hasn’t drunk an ounce of liquid since 10pm last night. Colonoscopies leave one parched! Get the man a fresca, stat.
Jessep: You want answers?
Kaffee (Tom Cruise): I think I’m entitled to them.
Jessep: You want answers?
Kaffee: I want the truth!
Jessep: You can’t handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has walls. And those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinberg? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago and you curse the Marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Santiago’s death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives…You don’t want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that wall. You need me on that wall.
We use words like honor, code, loyalty…we use these words as the backbone to a life spent defending something. You use ‘em as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it! I’d rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon and stand a post. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you’re entitled to!
Kaffee: Did you order the code red?
Jessep: (quietly) I did the job you sent me to do.
Kaffee: Did you order the code red?
Jessep: You’re goddamn right I did!!
TheBeardAbides: @BrijOvaTrubledWaters stop txting me about the Rolling Stone article, i’m fucking busy you hag.
2 minutes ago from TwitterBerry
Bess, you teasing bitch. where’s our recap of last night’s festivities? BTW, did anyone spot Bess and CG out on the town?
Dear Ken-
Since our first meeting there in a wind swept somewhat open air dance spot in New York, I felt that you had that same rare attribute. Above all else I love that inner beauty about you…You have a particular grace and calm that I adore. You have a level of sophistication that is so fitting with your beauty (particularly when you’re slurring your words). I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificently gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curves of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself, your giant balls) in the faded glow of night’s light — but hey, that would be going into the sexual details we spoke of at the steakhouse at dinner — and unlike you I would never do that! Now why don’t you go ahead and seal the fucking deal?!?
Yours truly,
The Beard
Rep. Edolphus Towns doing his best see spot run thing…
I’m with 7. Is Gaspo hung or what? (I know he’s hung of course, just want the juicy details)
f”£$! they got him with the old, “we can’t hear you”/”dead mike” gag! those pols are sneaky.
Take him down already.
L Summers
@11. like a batter stepping out of the box as the pitcher starts his windup
new mike make The Beard sound like Barry White now. No ones going to eff with him.
got my popcorn and am awaiting a Matlock moment at this hearing.
Hey Bess, clipped or unclipped?
Bess,
To the left or the right?
who da spunky blonde behind benyamin? bess report to HQ immediately.
I want to hear Jeff Macke’s prepared statement!
bess– stop dreaming about last night at san pietro and go back to blogging the beard.
Young lady over Ben’s right shoulder – yum! Over right shoulder – not so much!
Bess you naughty Minx
@22 – The preferred nomenclature is “saucy minx.” Naughty is implicit.
- CG (clipped, and to the right)
The “Salt Lick” has the best BBQ in Texas….
@23 – Normally I would agree but we all know she is naughty
Shit! I’m missing the deets of this hearing. Too distracted thinking about blond-on-left’s pouty lips gently wrapping round my shaft. Kind of having an American Beauty moment.
Who’da thought you could tug one out watching hearing? I need to go find a handicap stall in the mens room….
@26….since you probably work for Energy Transfer, suggest you go one floor lower for less traffic.
coked up Mexican Cocaine Sharks, with lasers are old news. How coked up Australian Cocaine Wallabies that make Crop circles?
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/8118257.stm
@26– back down. that’s jessica alba and she’s married with kid.
@26 – You know you are actually think about the beard on the right tickiling your taint
The blonde chick is in a daze…..is she high?
What’s with the creepy female version of gandolf lurking behind Beard?
I think B Nake just pooped himself
i’ve had enough. why doesn’t ben just say he’ll journal the $20billion off his books to congress and call it even and the matter closed.
If that blonde chick starts provacatively licking her lips and winking at the camera or pushing her tounge against her cheek imitating phelatio I am going to totally loose it and will need to promptly leave the desk and buy some new trousers.
ditto if she starts making out with her girl friend sitting directly behind the Beard
Any of you n#gas from New York that want to bring it, Bring it. But we ain’t singing. We bringing drama
f@ck you and your mother f@cking mama.
Now when I came out, I told you it was just about biggie. Then everybody had to open their mouth with a mother f@cking opinion.
Well this is how we gonna’ do this:
f@ck Mobb Deep,
f@ck Biggie,
f@ck Bad Boy as a staff, record label, and as a mother f@cking crew.
And if you want to be down with Bad Boy,
Then f@ck you too.
Chino XL, f@ck you too.
All you mother f@ckers,
f@ck you too.
west side!!!
- Bernake
i think she’s touching herself
LEHMANS
Did you know any of the Lehmans brothers!? DO YOU?
Who is the cougar in the tiger print?
Tiger print! whoa!
After the SEC is informed in the “one government,” who’s next to be told? Barney Frank?
dude, I’m just now thinking of the tiger print cougar munching on blondie’s rug…
This is the best hearing ever. A supurb mix of titilation and smackdown.
LOL@43 – sideshow Bob (Kudlow) just rolled in…it just gets better and better!
“did you have a sexual relationship with any of the lehman brothers?”
“well lets define sexual relationship, i mean, jerking off above an add with their logo on it, is that, well, i guess it is probably sexual..”
Damnit Ben, I’m a congressman, not someone who has to deal with the real world.
Hot blonde behind Spanky looks like a cow the way she is working the gum
I bet blondie would like to have the Bald and the Beard cock whip her face back in chambers. Timmy boy could peek in through the peephole…
Did I tell Lewis not to invoke the MAC?! You’re goddamn right I did!
@47 that’s not gum…
Kaptur! Beard needs to remind her that she thought he was CEO of Goldman.
Kaptur’s closing comment may have been the most incoherent 120 second run-on sentence I’ve ever heard. Power! Toxic Asset! Forclosure! Main street!
@23, 25 She’s dirty. no?
@ gherkin Don’t know what Tiger Print’s excuse is, but in London, the Firm was known as Lehmans.
200 billion for new committee room microphones!
Blondie justy gave me cardiac arrest..
We use words like honor, blanus, beardclops…we use these words as the tailbone to a life spent pounding something in the ass. You use ‘em as a punchline.
The Beard looks like he’s had his fill of Washington bullsh*t.
Waiting for him to explode…
“WHAT THE F IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? I JUST SAVED YOUR F’ING LIVES AND THE FINANCIAL SYSTEM OF THIS COUNTRY? ARE YOU ALL F’ING RETARDED? ETC ETC..”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5j2F4VcBmeo
Congressman, you want the truth.. You can’t handle the truth! Where were you when we were falling into the abyss?
- ben b, big swinging dick
I’m glad that’s over. One more tough question for the Beard, and the entire CNBC Fed cheerleaders would probably stand up and cry in unison. Cheer up Liesman it’s all over now, Ben’s gonna be just fine.
YOU….. should do something positive with your time.