Archive for June 2009
If you’re anything like me, you’ve waited until the last 72 hours to cram for this beast of a cavity search on Saturday (the idea that you couldn’t master the hordes of information at the last minute were, frankly, a blow to your ego). Now, with T minus three days, there’s a legitimate concern that not only will this weekend’s administers be doing this without lube, but that there’s going to somehow be a tire iron involved. Your ability to form coherent sentences has been greatly compromised, and when people talk to you about dinner plans you wonder if they know you’re not listening to a thing they’ve said, but rather of stabbing a homeless person for not being able to remember how to calculate the portfolio variance with probabilities.
Clearly, I feel your pain. Because there’s comfort in numbers, I’m asking (begging) you to use this as a platform for venting. Commiseration and all that jazz. We’re all miserable, let’s be miserable together.
The summer of compensation legislation is almost upon us and the Swiss have radioed in with some general guidelines for how they intend to deal with the issue. It should come as no surprise that the main focus is on longer-term, performance-related payment structures that look to penalize individuals whose short-term gains turn into longer term losses. However FINMA, the Swiss regulator, did stop short of establishing guidelines to flat out restrict compensation. According to FINMA, “From a legal perspective, FINMA is not authorised to restrict the remuneration paid to employees. Indeed, this would not be a sensible option.” Barney Frank disagrees.
Swiss bank watchdog to tighten bonus rules [FT]
Related : Bonus Watch ’09: You Get NOTHING (Not Even Toxic Waste)
A Message (And A Challenge) From Charlie “I do 36 sets–sets, not reps– of pull-ups” Gasparino
By Bess Levin
Many of you have been asking lately why there’s been nary a peep from CNBC on-air editor-cum-Dealbreaker mascot Charlie Gasparino ’round these parts. The simple answer is that Chaz is on book leave from the peacock, leaving us with little material. But that doesn’t do much to sate the yearning you never thought you’d have for CG, or make the painful withdrawals you people are experiencing during this period of separation anymore bearable, does it? It does not. And so, because we are always working for you, today we offer a shot of Gaspo. It’s not the same as having his mug up in your face day in and day out, reporting his scoops from down by the docks, but it’s something.
Benny boy was at it again today. Sporting yet another one his pimped out monochromatic suits, Bernanke electrified the House Budget Committee today with an impressive stand up routine focused on deficit reduction. One liners such as “Unless we demonstrate a strong commitment to fiscal sustainability in the longer run, we will have neither financial stability nor healthy economic growth” were a bit of a departure from Uncle Ben’s more bread and butter material on green shoots, and there were some hecklers who tried to throw Bernanke off his game. Republican Paul Ryan momentarily quieted the raucous crowd with some lunatic fringe thinking.
“The Treasury is issuing debt and the central bank is buying it,” Ryan told Bernanke.
“It gives the alarming impression that the U.S. one day might begin to meet its financial obligations by simply printing money.”
So printing money to pay off debt is a problem for Mr. Ryan. What is this nut job going to demand next? A stable currency? Perish the thought.
What’s this joyous news we hear? Our favorite midwestern hedge fund’s flagships were up were up for May (and year to date)? Indeed! Citadel’s Wellington and Kensington funds reportedly returned 6 percent last month, bringing the year’s total to 21 percent.
Earlier: Restrained Partying At The Griffin House Tonight
The undisputed king of the energy drink market appears to have tipped its hand and revealed exactly what it is about Red Bull that gives you wings. Officials in Hong Kong found traces of coke in several cans of the heart exploding beverage yesterday. A spokesman for Red Bull then issued a statement which explained, in no uncertain terms, that there is no way any nose candy made its way into the drink and offered a clear explanation for the confusion.
“It would have been absolutely impossible for Asian (or any other) authorities to have found traces of cocaine in Red Bull Energy Drink,” the company said in a statement. “We believe that Asian authorities mistakenly applied concerns about Red Bull Simply Cola to Red Bull Energy Drink, a completely different product with an entirely different formula.”
This comes one week after traces of coke were discovered in the winged beverage in Austria. Fears of consumers overdosing were put to rest when spokeswoman Sigrid Rosenberger said the levels were right around the detection limit. The company then went on to say that its Red Bull Cola is, “harmless and marketable in both the US and Europe.” No argument here.
Page Six notes the following anecdote from an upcoming issue of Vanity Fair:
Andrew recently “lamented” to an African-American friend, “I’m unemployed, I don’t have any money, and I’m just trying to stay out of jail — my name is mud,” to which the friend replied, “Well, now you’re just like every black man in America.”
The words you’re searching for here are: so anyway. What else is a’ poppin’ for Team Flyfishing? Besides getting into slapfests outside of Chinese restaurants, Andrew’s fiancée, Catherine Hooper, seems to be keeping busy being kind of a bitch! Hoops apparently gave her betrothed a birthday card in April that read “Hope you have a fun day doing all the things people in prison wish they could do” to which Andy-boy, playing the part of the man-boy/bitch responded, “I wish I had my parents back,” (before presumably locking himself in his room and shouting “I hate you!” and “I’m never coming out!”). Cathy then hissed, “Yeah, they were a really nice idea,” and then, we’re guessing, started mentally running through a list of people she might be able to stay with after extricating herself from Ponzi Nation.* Love (complicated by massive fraud), it’s a motherfucker.
Other strained relationships are the mother-son ones between Ruth and Andy/Mark. Apparently the boys aren’t speaking to her “not because they think she was involved [they don't] but because they believe her tendency to side with [Bernie], no matter what, when they complained to her about him, enabled his dirty deeds.”
Oh, and the parents of Andrew’s daughters’ friends at Dalton are supposedly worried about letting their kids play at the Madoff residence out of fear that “assassins are crouching in vestibules.”
Is It Because Of A Perceived Taint From The Time Hank Greenberg And A Couple Of Stewardesses Joined The Mile High Club?
By Bess LevinBecause that was years ago, he apologized several times, and that particular plane was burned to the ground. Anyway: I don’t know how this is possible, but everyone’s favorite insurer is apparently having trubs selling its aircraft-leasing business.
According to a person familiar with the matter, would-be buyers are demanding a bigger guarantee from the federal government in order to facilitate a sale. Already, the government has agreed to guarantee $5 billion of debt, but those remaining in the auction now want either more government aid or support from airline manufacturers.
A second source said the guarantee issue has stymied the auction process, which is described as having cooled as AIG tries to sort out how to make a sale happen.
As you can probably imagine, we’re still working through our disappointment over Shia LaBeouf being cast in Wall Street 2. Our pain is mitigated slightly by the following news. Besides being shaken up about the presence the would-be mother fucker in the film, we’ve been preparing ourselves for 2-3 hours of tripe in which “evil” short-sellers are maligned (Shi-La, according to accounts of the plot, believes his boss was murdered by “a stock-shorting hedge fund manager”), along with a whole grab-bag of misconceptions, by people who don’t know what they’re talking about. But it seems Oliver Stone and his crew are educating themselves in preparation!
Spain, like most European economies, has seen a rough 2009. Profits at local banks like BBVA were down 30%+ in the first quarter and S&P took an axe to the country’s sovereign rating. You figure life on the Iberian peninsula must be pretty rough these days. People who still have jobs at Spanish banks surely must be living in constant fear that some heavy handed CEO is going get rid of as many people as possible to trim the fat once and for all.
Well, suffering from extreme separation anxiety, BBVA is taking another path by offering employees up to 5 years paid leave with a guaranteed job when they return. If you’re one of the 30,000 BBVA-ians with 5 years to kill and a hobby you’ve been itching to try, now is your time.
BBVA is offering staff three options: first, leave of three to five years for long-term employees who want to undertake “personal or professional projects”, with 30 per cent pay and healthcare on top; second, a shorter working week with reduced pay; and third, special time off for up to two years for those who want to care for children or relatives or take postgraduate courses. All are voluntary and the company reserves the right to refuse those who apply.
