Shredding evidence? Sneaking contraband to the husb? No and no. Something so much worse.
Archive for June 2009
Based on the recent trend of slipping systemically critical labels under the front doors of financial institutions as easily as take out menus, the US is setting the stage for the era of average banking. The regulatory overlords seem hell-bent on establishing a landscape of average size banks making average size profits. However, as little as DC wants to hear it, there is still a convincing argument for bigger is better. Just because the Sandy Weil/Chuck Prince experiment failed in spectacular fashion, with special help from Bob Rubin, that shouldn’t condemn firms like JPM to live with Washington’s acumen in determining the proper size and shape for a bank.
The Perils of a Smaller Wall Street [WSJ]
10:05 According to prepared a statement from the Beard, the Fed acted with “the highest integrity,” he never told BAC management that action (like firing Lewis/killing him) would be taken if the MAC was invoked, and you bitches got nothing.
10:08 Rep. Edolphus Towns is getting kinky with his opening remarks. “It’s time to lift the shroud of secrecy on the Fed and stick a flashlight where the sun don’t shine.”
10:12 Rep Issa wants to give Bernanke “a full and complete opportunity” to prove he’s not a criminal. Issa is in desperate need of a better speech writer. I’m not going to be volunteering my services, as my loyalties lie with B-nanke, but perhaps some slithering virus might like the job.
10:15 Bernanke looks confident, as do the the 16 year olds behind him. Paulson was allegedly going to show up today but he’s not seated at the table, meaning it’s possible he’s going to make a surprise entrance halfway through to fuck some Congressional asses up.
10:22 Mic trubs. Can you hear me now? Now? How’s that? Can you hear me? (The kids behind Beard find the technical difficulties hilarious, as does Towns.)
10:26 Everything under control, prepared remarks being read. Blondie w/ Bangs is totally bored, can barely stifle yawns. Perhaps she’d be more entertained if B-nankes opened with this: “You have a particular grace and calm that I adore. You have a level of sophistication that is so fitting with your beauty. I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificently gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curves of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself) in the faded glow of night’s light — but hey, that would be going into the sexual details we spoke of at the steakhouse at dinner — and unlike you I would never do that!”
10:30 Confidential to the minor next to Blondie: are you daring to a) close your eyes b) smirk to your pal stage left? All while the Fed chair is talking?
10:33 Is kid a few rows behind Blondie is attempting to come off reflective by tapping fingers on pursed lips? Or seduce Kucinich?
10:36 Bernanke promised Lewis no specific amount to complete deal, though he did dangle a case of Boone’s on a stick in front of K to the L’s face while mouthing “you want it? come and get it.”
10:39 WHAT IS HAPPENING ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE ROOM? Has Bald entered the hizzous??
10:41 When Issa, who, in our professional opinion is getting way ahead of himself and is set to shoot his load with hours to go, told Bernanke he could make his point “briefly,” should Beard have gone with the Danza slap, clown face, or other?
10:47 Yes, Beard and his boys have asked Bank of America to reexamine its board and possibly make changes, and yes, if we’re going to be superficial, Kucinich is at the back of the pack when it comes to League Tables: How Hot Is The Congressional Staffer Sitting Behind You, though perhaps the guy does some good stuff with his tongue.
10:50 Rep whose name I missed is trying to spice this thing up. “Is Mr. Lewis lying? Did he lie? Is he lying?” Pipsqueak next to Blondie likes this.
10:53 While “I’m sure I can’t remember” is a good response to “Are you sure you can’t remember?” B-squared probably should’ve gone with “Kiss my ass and suck my dick… everyone” and walked out of the room.
10:59 Rep Jim Jordan is taking us back, way back, to the day in October Paulson rounded up all the CEOs in a room and suggested he’d put caps in all their asses if the TARP money wasn’t accepted. Apparently this is to establish a history of intimidation, in which case, why stop there? It’s common knowledge Hank cut his teeth the summer between high school and college working as a bike cop, and would regularly wear shorts cut loosely enough that he could dangle his Paulsons in people’s faces in such a way that implied, “Do not even entertain the thought of fucking with my shit.”
11:05 Tiger print, possibly a gal pal of Dick Fuld, doesn’t get why Lehmans (both of them) was allowed to fail.
Yessss. First instance of “I’m not a [insert profession here],” a longstanding tradition of Congressional Hearings. There’s a 10-spot in it for Beard if he mixes it up today with “I’m not a Brazilian waxer,” “I’m not an irrigation specialist,” “I’m not a publicly elected sucker of cock,” etc.
11:09 Bernanke doesn’t give a rat’s ass about the SEC and he’s got no regrets, when it comes to the BAC deal or anything in life [turns around to lady behind him, "Only that I didn't take you to Argentina when I had the chance, sweet cheeks."]
11:20 Rep. ‘Stache knows Lewis is the bad guy, not Bernanke. But he’s going on gut instinct, and needs some cold hard facts. Evidence. Damning pictures of Lewis passed out in the men’s room of a biker bar in Charlotte.
Related: “It’s You, You Big Fat Toad, YOU!”
Fed Emails Bash BofA Chief In Tussle Over Merrill Deal (WSJ)
Earlier that day, Mr. Bernanke had weighed in on the threat to pull out of the Merrill deal: “I think the threat to use the MAC is a bargaining chip, and we do not see it as a very likely scenario at all,” he wrote in a Dec. 21 email to a selection of Fed governors.
He also urged preparations be made “so that we can explain to [Bank of America] with some confidence why we think it would be a foolish move and why regulators will not condone it.”
New TARP Chief: Economy on Mend, But Vigilance Needed (Reuters)
“I’m confident that very soon we’ll be launching [public-private] partnerships,” Allison said. “Some time between now and 100 years from now.”
AIG To Repay Debt Through IPOs (WSJ)
$25 billion down, $25 trillion to go.
Cuomo Recused Himself Over Money Manager in Pension Fund Probe (Bloomberg)
A paragon of virtue and ethics!
AQR hedging its bets with big mutual fund plan (Reuters)
“We don’t want to be theoretical academics. We want to be the guys who demystify alternative (investments) and tell people what’s under the wizard’s hat,” co-founder David Kabiller said.
Read e-mails between Sanford, woman (The State)
“Since our first meeting there in a wind swept somewhat open air dance spot in Punta del Este, I felt that you had that same rare attribute. Above all else I love that inner beauty about you…You have a particular grace and calm that I adore. You have a level of sophistication that is so fitting with your beauty. I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificently gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curves of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself) in the faded glow of night’s light — but hey, that would be going into the sexual details we spoke of at the steakhouse at dinner — and unlike you I would never do that!”
$$$ Judge defers ruling on Madoff restitution [Dealbook]
$$$ KKR‘s latest plan to go public [marketwatch]
$$$ Bankruptcy league tables [The Deal]
$$$ 3 months salary or $10,000 cash [craigslist]
$$$ “There will be people who think that Bernie can give them stock tips, but I don’t see anyone being his big pal,” said Levine. “I believe he’ll be treated like an outcast.”
Levine said that Madoff should always “maintain high visibility” as a security precaution. [CNN Money]
According to Bloomberg. Do you think Lewis will watch on TV? Or will it be too bone chilling?
Guys, for some reason I’m having dinner tonight at an undisclosed location with, among others, Charlie Gasparino. The only question I have for him is “when will you make good on your promise to drop the pretense and appear on CNBC wearing a Champion sweatshirt with the sleeves cut off,” but is there anything you’d like me to ask Chaz on your behalves? I’ll report back his answers in full tomorrow, provided I’m not found in the trunk of a car before then. Obviously no holds barred.
Update: I don’t know if this will change whatever question you wanted me to ask, but I’m supposed to add that CG’s friend Eddie “who owns a gay club” will likely be joining us tonight.
Earlier: A Message (And A Challenge) From Charlie Gasparino
Trust him, he’s tried.
Sure, Sciens Capital has supposedly taken over to make people feel less squeamish but according to an investor it’s business as usual (ixnay onay adoffmay).
FGG has transferred management of their funds to Sciens who they seem to be representing as a separate party.
However, Sciens seems to be basically a bunch of FGG guys.
They’re trying to get away from the scandal and the shame associated with FGG by representing to turn over the management of funds to a 3rd party, except the 3rd party essentially seems to be themselves / their ex employees. Smoke and mirrors show for the investors…nothing has changed.
If the methodology used to determine the effect of government stimulus on employment is the new blueprint for important economic data, we are going to be able to guesstimate ourselves out of the recession. The Deputy Director of the White House Office of Management and Budget, Rob Nabors, has cautioned states that they will be required to utilize groundbreaking sampling techniques to estimating the number of jobs created through the stimulus.
Recipients won’t be asked to grapple with complicated estimates. Instead, they may use their best guess whether a job would have been created or saved in the absence of a recovery plan, and to not count it if they are uncertain.
States Given Leeway in Tallying New Jobs from Stimulus [WSJ]
