In which Commenter Girl reads the Times wedding section and proceeds to callously and unjustifiably assign a random "market value" to complete strangers by virtue of the fact that they work in the finance industry, and are begging for it.
Well well well. It seems that after last week's EBITDA Cinderella story, all similar unions have been cast underground for fear of inclusion in today's write-up. To which I say: cowards! Wither the couples lathering each other up with reference to yield curves? Hiding, apparently, 'cause we know they're out there. This weekend's batch of weddings was virtually unmockable (especially since we'd been spoiled by Mr. and Mrs. Fredston last week). And yet, we forge ahead, confident that there will be many more nuptials capable of making you upchuck your lunch ahead. (Also, our pain was eased by a strong cocktail at the finish...more on that later.)
Lindsay Burton, Thomas Sheehan
* Mrs. Sheehan, 25, is an associate at AlpInvest Partners, where she focuses on purchasing positions in private investment funds from endowments and other institutional investors. (+5, I like me a smart cookie)
* She graduated from the University of Virginia. (-1)
* Her father is a professor of economics at the University of Virginia. (+2)
* Her mother is the president of the Charlottesville Garden Club. (+ only 5, because we haven't seen her phalaenopsis nursery yet)
* No word on his mother, whose gardening skills we can only assume are not sufficiently up to snuff enough for mention (-6)
* Mr. Sheehan, 35, is a vice president and portfolio manager at Inverness Counsel, asset managers in New York. (+5)
* He graduated from Yale (+1)
* His father is a partner in the New York law firm Curtis, Mallet-Prevost, Colt & Mosle, where he is a chairman of the trusts and estates department. (+3)
* Does anyone else think they look alike? (+10)
Total: 24
Erin Marie Dolan and Christopher David Hagstrom
* Mrs. Hagstrom, 27, is an event planner at Fête, a wedding and party planning company in New York. (+3, because, those skills will come in handy when you're planning Madison's 4th birthday party for 300 anonymous colleagues, clients, friends and estranged family in Darien 5 years down the road)
* She graduated from Carnegie Mellon. (-1)
* He graduated from St. Bonaventure. (-10)
* He is a managing director in New York for UBS, the Swiss investment bank. He lends money to hedge funds. (+5...but -10 because, you know)
* Mr. Hagstrom is 39 (+4, because my old fogey of an Uncle always says, to the ire of my feminist cousins, that the ideal woman should be half a man's age plus 7 years, which would pin Ms. Hagstron squarely at 26.5. She's half a year too old, but we'll let it slide).
Total: -9
Ann My Thai, Dr. Arun Wiita
* Neither of these people are in finance, so in theory we don't really care about them. But check out the bride's name! My Thai. (+30 Because that's like being named Old Tom Collins, or Sex on the Beach.)
Total: (+30)
It was a close race, and we all hate (/love.../hate) to see financiers lose but in this case there could only be one winner, and that was the My Thai clan. May your children be fruity and pack a punch, just like your namesake.
To the rest of you, there's always marriage #2. And statistically speaking, 2 out of four of you will get that chance. Thanks for playing!
Posted by guest , Jun 01, 2009 6:19PM
Hey Doogie you double dipped on the moms in the first one.
Posted by guest , Jun 01, 2009 6:20PM
Not even half as good as last week. No talk of EBITDA, boutiques, West. Mich. Meh....these people seem distinctly non-douchey. Or as you say, "unmockable".
Posted by guest , Jun 01, 2009 6:21PM
@2- "Not even half as good as last week. No talk of EBITDA, boutiques, West. Mich. Meh....these people seem distinctly non-douchey. "
yes, I think that was pointed out in the intro, no?
Posted by guest , Jun 01, 2009 6:27PM
Isn't it nice to see people who lead such pleasant, compact, and well-planned lives. They lack nothing, life is always sunny for them, and they always feel beautiful.
Well, TGFD and the Mrs. felt that way too. That is, until DB management decided to land a smart bomb right on top of the f'n trailer 2 weeks ago.
I wonder how those newlyweds would feel if their f'n trailers got bombed-out?
I bet things wouldn't be so sunny for them either.
The Guy from Delaware
Posted by guest , Jun 01, 2009 6:27PM
@girl- Your Uncle is a very wise man. He should write for db sometime.
Posted by Lowly Assistant , Jun 01, 2009 6:27PM
Not trying to be a dick because I love me some Girl and M&A, but the intro has a double "work." Carried over from last week's, as well.
-Anais Nin
Posted by guest , Jun 01, 2009 6:29PM
@4 wife found your stash?
Posted by guest , Jun 01, 2009 6:30PM
Hey wait! I went to CMU! I remember lots of good thi...oh wait I withdraw my protest.
Posted by guest , Jun 01, 2009 7:18PM
Why is he marrying his sister? Thats gross, and only legal in Texas.
Posted by guest , Jun 01, 2009 7:37PM
girl - If we are awarding points for your uncle's equation, Lindsay is also only 0.5 years too old...
Posted by guest , Jun 01, 2009 7:47PM
Wow, that 1/2+7 thing is amazing. It always works, whether the guy is 16, 25, 50, etc. Impressive. Some might say it begins to break down around ~65, but still.
Posted by guest , Jun 01, 2009 7:56PM
Really? +3 for a T&E partner father? That's about the closest you can get to being in the back office at a big firm and still call yourself a lawyer.
Posted by guest , Jun 01, 2009 8:12PM
funny. one thing though
"and are they're begging for it."
might want to clean that up (first paragraph)
Posted by guest , Jun 01, 2009 8:19PM
He was into that whole Yale thing...
Posted by guest , Jun 01, 2009 8:35PM
I think the divide by two, add seven rule is meant to establish a minimum -- rather than "ideal" -- age for the female in question.
25 2 / 7 + yields 19.5, which I'll round to 20.
Fine for a roll in the sack, but a bit too young to grasp the complexity of my worldview.
Posted by trojan , Jun 01, 2009 8:59PM
anybody else notice how many girl on girl weddings are in the times now? makes me pround of connecticut
Posted by guest , Jun 01, 2009 9:01PM
Gotta give the guy credit for making MD from St. Bonaventure, but you've also gotta never let the guy forget he went to St. Bonaventure.
Posted by guest , Jun 01, 2009 9:10PM
17 Havent you heard, B students run the world. Bet he's fun to be around, good looking, well spoken and groomed. Who would you rather deal with, the St Bonnies boy or some pimply smelly introverted nerd from MIT.
Posted by guest , Jun 01, 2009 9:25PM
@18
No, I haven't heard that, and if those are the only qualifications for an MD, I'd prefer to deal with Padma Lakshmi. On the bright side, no one's ever going to blame "St. Bonnie boys" for the collapse of the economy...mainly because no one knows what/where/who the fuck St. Bonaventure is.
Posted by guest , Jun 01, 2009 9:55PM
@ Hmmm... 25 and 35
Whore marrying for money: (-200)
Posted by guest , Jun 01, 2009 9:58PM
@ 15 wow you are a douche.
Posted by guest , Jun 01, 2009 10:00PM
@21- while douchey, 15 is correct. the rule is for the youngest you're "allowed" today.
@20-- ten years difference does not a whore make. 15 is pushing it, 20 for sure. take off your Victorian sunglasses.
Posted by guest , Jun 01, 2009 10:12PM
Since when is it ok to marry your sister, @21? huh?
Posted by guest , Jun 01, 2009 10:20PM
@15- so you're 25? then wtf is your worldview?
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 7:10AM
@9 & 23: Who is marrying his sister? They said "MRS Sheehan." She went from MISS Burton to MRS Sheehan.
People from Texas can read. Dumbass.
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 8:52AM
burtons dad taught me econ at UVa. He is known for getting amazing summer internships for all the hot blondes in the class at HFs. He also takes those same hot blondes to hedge fund conferences all across the world. I cant decide if i hate him because im a guy or if i think hes the man because he takes hot blondes to hf conferences across the world..
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 9:04AM
Writing about lesbian weddings, certainly a new angle for the M&A section.
-Nominate me
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 10:43AM
Point of order--I always felt that the minimum was 50% of dude's age + 8, not 7...either way she's on the bubble (and probably the unit).
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 10:44AM
@6 Lowly Assistant
Are you also a fan of Anais Nin? I'm still jealous of the sensuality of her experiences, even after my hormone fueled teenage years have passed. How did you like 'Henry and June'?
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 12:55PM
i can corroborate what @26 said
Posted by guest , Jun 03, 2009 5:51PM
dear @20 -
she's certainly not "a whore marrying for money" since she already makes a lot more than he does...and bought her own apartment which he now lives in. looks like he's getting the better end of the deal on this one