Hey hey hey my girlies (and boyzies who don't mind doing women's work*). Do you want to assist in the administration of a very successful and prestigious hedge fund? Is you smart? Is you hungry? Is you prepared to get it done right, the first time? Is you ambitious but sufficiently submissive to not correct your boss when he screws up simple grammar and spelling? Then read on.
Hedge Fund Seeks Recent College Grad to be Top-Notch Admin Assistant (Midtown)Date: 2009-06-16, 11:42AM EDT
Successful hedge fund manager seeks first-rate, super smart, recent college graduate to help answer phones, pay bills, file, organize travel, speak to companies, and do anything and everything that needs to get done around the office. This is not a job for a career administrative assistant, but rather a two-year stop for a hungry, savvy college grad, who is looking to learn the ropes and get his or her foot in the door. Please only apply is you had top grades from preferrably a top school and are interested in pursuing a career in finance or on Wall Street. Please only apply is you speak perfect English. Please only apply if you have a great attitude -- so that no job too little or too big is a problem. Please only apply is you are willing to do things the way your boss wants them to get done -- regardless of whether you think it's the best way to do the job. Please only apply is you are great at following instructions. Please only apply if you have an upbeat, can-do, outgoing personality. Please only apply if you have a slight case of OCD and a serious drive to do things right -- the first time. Perfectionists welcome.* Compensation: 50k -- 65k plus bonus
*Get over yourselves, I'm just trying to keep things interesting in here.
**P.S. I don't want to hear, "It's obviously fake, Bess, duh, god you're such a dumb bitch sometimes." This was in no way funny or line crossing enough to be fake.
Posted by NegativeConvexity , Jun 17, 2009 3:32PM
"Please only apply is you speak perfect English"
Obviously fake, and ironic.
Posted by guest , Jun 17, 2009 3:32PM
ah $hit. The sob stories about how I cannot live in the city on 65K will soon start 3...2...1..
b1tches
Posted by guest , Jun 17, 2009 3:33PM
not fake but sad
Posted by guest , Jun 17, 2009 3:33PM
Isnt this the ad Greg responded to, to get his job at DB?
Bess you wrote it right?
Posted by guest , Jun 17, 2009 3:33PM
@1 if it were fake it would've made reference to getting banged in the ass.
Posted by guest , Jun 17, 2009 3:34PM
OK Greg,
This is YOUR moment.
Posted by guest , Jun 17, 2009 3:34PM
The shark is dead and this is not fake.
Posted by guest , Jun 17, 2009 3:39PM
It's obviously fake, Bess, duh, god you're such a dumb bitch sometimes." This was in no way funny or line crossing enough to be fake.
Posted by guest , Jun 17, 2009 3:39PM
Grammer and spelling; don,t even bother bitches, I gots this on in the bags. 50k a year to rub my sweaty cock and balls all over youre' mouse, fuck yeah!
SPODE
Posted by Tax Chick , Jun 17, 2009 3:39PM
Is you is, or is you ain't my baby...
Posted by guest , Jun 17, 2009 3:40PM
I does! I does!
Posted by guest , Jun 17, 2009 3:40PM
Hard to get laid if you have no money or job
Posted by Lowly Assistant , Jun 17, 2009 3:41PM
It's real, bitch...it's real...get it fucking right, you stupid whore.
Posted by guest , Jun 17, 2009 3:42PM
I emailed... it's Simpson Capital. They're looking for fund timers!
Posted by guest , Jun 17, 2009 3:43PM
who the hell would want to work in that cesspool called Manhattan? Much less for $65K?
Posted by guest , Jun 17, 2009 3:45PM
I am smuggling plums in my underpants.
Posted by guest , Jun 17, 2009 3:50PM
@14 LOL. Nice!
Posted by guest , Jun 17, 2009 3:51PM
So, they got 2 "if"s right, out of 7.
Can't rely on the checker in this case, since "is" is a legit word.
"s" and "f" are separated on the keyboard just by "d", could be an easy typing mistake to make, if you're not looking at the keyboard, though, in that case, it may be hard to explain how you missed that you typed "is" instead of "if".
Posted by guest , Jun 17, 2009 3:55PM
I went to arizona state and had a 2.3 in recreation management. What do my chances look like? I should be a lock, right?
Posted by guest , Jun 17, 2009 4:10PM
Wayt, ur not suppozed to korrect yur bos when he maykes a grammer miztake?
Posted by merkin capital partners , Jun 17, 2009 4:10PM
maxine waters doesn't understand what all the hubbub if about.
Posted by guest , Jun 17, 2009 4:47PM
Bess you is my woman now.
Porgy
Posted by guest , Jun 17, 2009 4:57PM
It's obviously fake, Bess, duh, god you're such a dumb bitch sometimes.
Posted by guest , Jun 17, 2009 7:10PM
I really appreciate want ads that tell you everything you need to know about the employer. This one truly excels in that department, telling us really key stuff, like that:
1) He's a he, not a she (no female could possibly write anything that prickish).
2) He's self-employed (smarter, nicer, saner hedge fund managers are plentiful and cheap these days -- if he had a boss, he'd have been fired and replaced by now).
3) His technical skills are deficient in multiple areas, including typing, spelling, and spell-checker operation (trust me, "prefeRRably" is not in the spell-checker dictionary, so I'm not buying the spell-checker excuse for all the is-instead-of-if goofs) -- this is bad because if you're prone to obsessing over perfection, it's really important to be able to *either* spell *or* operate a spell-checker (and you're not actually perfect unless you can do *both*).
4) He's gone through a parade of well-qualified, well-educated, hungry, savvy, perfect English-speaking assistants who (unbeknownst to him) saved him from an assortment of disasters by doing what made sense, instead of exactly what he told them to do, but he had to fire them because they hadn't done exactly what he told them to do (though actually most of them quit before he had a chance to fire them -- they had "outgoing" personalities).
5) He's also gone through a parade of assistants who were willing to put up with the truckloads of crap he dishes out, and even follow his instructions to the letter, and he couldn't figure out why there were so many disasters piling up while they were there -- but it must have been their fault, so they had to be fired as well (none of these people quit before he could fire them -- they were being upbeat and maintaining their "can-do" attitudes while waiting for his next instructions).
6) For reasons he can't understand, headhunters and college career offices and will no longer take his calls or return his e-mails, much less send him candidates, so he's recently started trying the direct advertising route. Dismayed that his initial DIY efforts didn't yield any applicants who spoke more than a few words of English, he figured it must be because he didn't specify "perfect English" (since he couldn't imagine any other reason why perfect English speakers wouldn't eagerly respond to his ad), and so he's now fine-tuned his ad with the insertion of the "perfect English" requirement. He's confident that his ad is perfect now (but he lost some sleep last night over the fact that he didn't get it right the first time).
7) He's delusional -- this is why he's offering $65K(max) + vague promises of more money and solid guarantees of daily bombardment with truckloads of crap, and expecting a taker who's a *perfectly* literate college grad who never makes mistakes (but who somehow can't figure out that it would be a mistake to embark on "a career in finance or on Wall Street" right now, or to embark on any career at any time that involves brown-nosing a complete a$$hole).
Posted by guest , Jun 17, 2009 7:36PM
Guest at 7:10 = win.
Also add, the last career admin assistant figured out the Ponzi scheme and had to be paid off.
Posted by guest , Jun 17, 2009 7:38PM
administrative assisting is "women's work"? BL you're so retro!
Posted by guest , Jun 17, 2009 7:40PM
@26- I've heard she bakes, too. (Hopefully in just an apron).
Posted by trojan , Jun 17, 2009 8:03PM
"Please only apply is you are willing to do things the way your boss wants them to get done"
first thing a pledge always tells a full brother is no gay shit- no elephant walk, no dirty knees.
Posted by guest , Jun 17, 2009 9:24PM
@ 7:36
Nope, no Ponzi scheme in that shop. The first requirement in order to get a Ponzi scheme going is to make a good impression on people. This guy's having serious trouble even convincing a penniless recent college grad to stick around TAKING money from him -- in the worst employment market in a couple of decades. How's he going to convince anybody to GIVE him money? Probably the only money he's managing is a small wad from his rich daddy, whose latest trophy wife insists that daddy do whatever it takes to keep his snot-nosed son busy and AWAY.
guest at 7:10
Posted by guest , Jun 17, 2009 11:02PM
@ 14
Presumably you're kidding about it being Simpson (he's, umm, banned from this sort of work, isn't he?), but you couldn't have picked a more perfect suspect. I briefly dealt with that outfit back in its pre-indictment gravy days, and I could totally believe that pompous prick writing an ad like this. He tried to impress us (bankers he wanted leverage money from) by telling us he played golf all day--every day--and just came into the office a little before the market close to execute the trades his magic black box told him to. And to prove it, he showed up late for our initial meeting at his office (golf game ran a little longer than expected). Great pitch, just like this ad.
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2009 11:39AM
guest at 7:10-
time for your own login. you earned it.