For those of you who swear you saw some guy who used to work a couple seats away serving bottles of Mouton-Rothschild at the restaurant you had dinner at last weekend, your eyes may not be deceiving you.
From Ordering Steak and Lobster, to Serving It [WSJ]
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Posted by Equity Private , Jun 02, 2009 4:12PM
Dearest Greg:
Greetings from Martinique!
I have to apologize. Normally I would have left the traditional "letter to a successor" in the desk drawer over at the office, but:
- I'm only on vacation.
- My departure was so horribly rushed. (Charter service is not what it used to be though a lack of famous-name bankers seems to have freed up some jet time).
I hope you will forgive this less romantic but more utilitarian attempt to give you some (fake) pearls of wisdom. Even fake pearls have their uses.
A few words about the vile and caustic Shark-with-dorsally-mounted-neodymium glass-laser infested cesspool that is the Dealbreaker comment section:
- As with any cesspool, make sure you've had your shots before wading in. Small cuts quickly grow infected and, left untreated, may consume a limb. You may consider a proactive series of antibiotics. Sure, this will likely create a few strains of drug-resistant commenters, but no more so than the years of cocaine immunity-building therapy many have already undertaken of their own accord.
- Feeding frenzies are common where large collections of mindless predators roam. Be very careful once there is blood in the water. Things can get out of hand quickly. This is rarely the time to pour a platelet-filled bucket of fish heads into the pool.
- While the mindless predators are common, and hazardous in great numbers, the more intelligent hunters, while fewer in number, are far more dangerous. One 15 stanza bite from these can leave you literarily crippled for a week.
- Dominance is key, but must be used mercilessly with the full force of your effort and sparingly. If you chose to try and assert it, your attack must be swift, utterly crippling, leave little chance for riposte and expertly mounted. A poor attempt at dominance assertion can be fatal and once you lose the respect of the commenters, all is lost. There is nothing more dangerous than an ego-wounded commenter.
- Alliances can help. Occasionally praising a noted commenter can create a much needed ally. Alternatively, adopting for praise a particularly meddlesome predator can fatally diminish that commenter in the eyes of his/her peers. That commenter may find him/herself set upon by peers. This works wonders when blood is already in the water. Consider the careful study of Aikido.
- Nipping is a weak attempt to test resolve. With some exceptions, commenters are an insecure bunch and need to strive for seniority even in their own subgroup and sub-clique pecking orders. This results in instant and merciless attacks on small errors in grammar or punctuation, or 70 comment debates on word selection. The great untapped secret of the Dealbreaker comment cesspool is that it is the world's most effective market-driven, distributed, free copy editing service. You can foster this dynamic by gently thanking the first couple of nitpickers with a "Wow, my fault. Thanks for the catch!" Of course, this effect is also totally dependent on the commenters not realizing they are being used in this way.
- Remember that like Sharks with swimming, commenters must comment constantly, or die. Accordingly, take much of their behavior with a grain (imperial asston) of salt. If they comment that much they probably aren't employed. (There is also the horrible possibility that they are employed to comment- but we will speak of this abomination no more).
- Posts about commenters draw the most comments. This is narcissus personified. Know, but do not abuse this fact.
- If all else fails, you have their IP addresses.
Some comments on composition:
If ever you get down on yourself try this experiment: Head over to Borders and pick up the latest Harlequin romance title you can find. Pick the one with the cheesiest, most Fabio-looking male model on the cover. Pick a chapter at random and skim for a cheese-platter paragraph that catches your eye. (I make no value judgments about what may or may not move you in this respect). Now replace "his" with "The Chinese Finance Minister's" and "her" with "Timothy Geithner." Replace "member" with "cash." Post with a picture of Tim in front of a Congressional Committee. You will learn quickly that writing standards mean nothing in this business (English is my third or fourth language depending on how you count) and your post will be the most read and commented entry on Dealbreaker all week. Remember this lesson. I've tried similar experiments thrice, and was never discovered. (Just mentioning this will augment my read-post count now as a flurry of readers go back to try and discover these secret passages in my prior writings- learn from this too).
You can never go wrong with a good contest. Bad contests are quickly forgotten.
Sex sells- unless its sex with bankers or lawyers. (Exception: Heads of investment banks or law firms).
Read the mood. Attack the unpopular subjects in the news. Praise the underdog heroes (then attack them later). Dealbreaker is about vicious gossip. Reporting on things that go well is bad copy- unless you are mocking it. Channel your inner tenth-grader in the social contest of life. Nasty. Vicious. Kill or be killed. Able to see weakness and attack it immediately. Write this way then moderate it slightly with some humor. Readers are at their core tenth-graders waiting to get out. Facilitate their escape.
Never try to out-finance the readers. You will almost always lose unless you are in the top 0.01% in the sub-discipline your post deals with. (Hint: You aren't, and even if you are you still lose because those who aren't can't tell the difference and there are 200 voices of idiocy to your one of clarity). Never argue with idiots. They bring you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
Don't write for good reviews. It might work for a while but you will quickly learn that the only popular whore on Dealbreaker is Ashley Alexandra Dupré. Try ignoring comments for a week. (You'll only make it for a day, but it's a good effort to undertake).
Final word:
Dealbreaker readers hate change. Period. Until you aren't change anymore they will try to wear you down with unadulterated nonsense. The commenters are liars and would like to confuse us. But they will also mix lies with the truth to attack us. The attack is psychological and powerful. Remember that. Do not listen.
Wearing a crucifix probably won't help. Carrying cash might.
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 4:14PM
I foresee a similar WSJ story in the future - one of a fellow who hated paragraphs and quickly went from writing for dealbreaker to only reading it
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 4:23PM
Maybe he could go back and get that college degree. Might help with options. Or go back in time and not buy the million dollar condo.
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 4:24PM
EP- As a chick I realize you cant help yourself but lets try to keep the whining to a 100 words or less. In the above case...far less.
Greg is a big boy and when he takes it in the jaw a few times it will toughen him up. He will go from being treated like a bitch to one of the sisters...like you and Bess.
Hey Greg- remember what Andy Dufresne said about his jaw locking up...
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 4:25PM
EP, that was actually awesome. I like being compared to a shark. I am going to walk around the office now and take random bites out of people.
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 4:27PM
I still hate you Greg. In fact, I now hate everyone named Greg.
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 4:28PM
too long, didn't read. less is more, Greggers and by less I mean none.
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 4:32PM
EP, that was delicious (as food for an analyst of the Freudian variety).
I'm just going to keep it short:
Stop playing Pirates of the Caribbean Online.
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 4:38PM
[Head down, fast asleep on desk drooling on keyboard]
Posted by Lowly Assistant , Jun 02, 2009 4:39PM
"- Posts about commenters draw the most comments. This is narcissus personified. Know, but do not abuse this fact."
The bitch! Playing us like a fucking fiddle...
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 4:42PM
Where's the link to the new hostess at Les Boucaniers - Club Med?
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 4:44PM
Gregg, is your last name really Ackmann instead of Michaels.
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 4:45PM
Steak and LOBSTERCLOPS!
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 4:47PM
Greg's Post 4:16 p.m.
EP's Response 4:12 p.m.
Data: " Captain Picard, the rift is still open !"
Captain Picard: " Mr. Data, time travel is all relevant."
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 4:51PM
EP, be careful over there in Africa, don't pick up any cute little octopuses with blue rings from the tidepools.
Posted by Anal_yst , Jun 02, 2009 4:51PM
A feeling of serenity washed over me as I read the harsh, yet soothingly sophisticated prose of EP.
Posted by Becky Boot Fan , Jun 02, 2009 4:52PM
"Greg...what is the worst fraternity on campus?"
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 4:53PM
Gregg if you have any authority you'd shit can EP for demonstrating such insubordination and patronization of you in such a public forum.
EP - your advice is borish and as many would say TLDR. Get a clue honey and shorten that shit up it doesn't equal page views.
Gregg the solution is very simple - quit and invest in cloning Bess. Even if Carney came back we'd tell him to piss off. EP is correct we hate change - we've got collective aspergers syndrome and this shit makes us go crazy!!!!
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 4:55PM
Fokker?
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 4:55PM
You wana play Victor Borge with me?
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 4:58PM
Gregg is way better than that blowjob hack at Clusterstock - Joe Wesienfuckstick.
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 4:59PM
ep i thought you retired.
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 5:00PM
I miss you ep. Enjoy the vaca
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 5:04PM
Where the fuck is carney @ cluster. He never posts anymore....
Don't say pounding his secretary in the ass either.
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 5:04PM
Greg, keep your head up. As evidenced above, EP's even boring when she's on vacation.
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 5:04PM
I hate you Greg, and I don't know why...oh wait, your posting sucks.
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 5:07PM
@24 I think he is doing CIA work with Sir Allen
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 5:07PM
@21- no shit. Clusterfuck has become a non-stop deluge of bull shit and/or right-wing conspiracies.
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 5:10PM
17: Well that would be hard to say, sir. They're each outstanding in their own way.
Dean Vernon Wormer: Cut the horseshit, son. I've got their disciplinary files right here. Who dropped a whole truckload of fizzies into the swim meet? Who delivered the medical school cadavers to the alumni dinner? Every Halloween, the trees are filled with underwear. Every spring, the toilets explode.
You're talking about Delta, sir.
Of course I'm talking about Delta, you TWERP!
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 5:12PM
@25- yes.
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 5:13PM
Greg, get EP's IP address and ban her for good. (Though I must tell you something EP never learned - just banning IP addresses doesn't work.)
We are rooting for you Greg, but our patience is running very, very thin. And @18 is right about Carney, he'd get hell if he returns. ( Keith is welcome back anytime, though.)
PS. You just listen to Bess about how to write for Dealbreaker. Though you may never reach her level of perfection, just getting close to it may do the trick for you. Good luck buddy, you desperately need it.
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 5:16PM
@31- why'd you have to go and bring up Keith? God I miss that guy.
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 5:17PM
Too late to root for Gregg...As Sun Tzu said "every battle is won before it's ever fought.". Gregg you've lost. EPIC FAIL.
Man this is bullshit I GOT THROWN OUT OF A FUCKIN WINDOW!
Who's doing hiring at DB? Wideclops?
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 5:21PM
It's not all Greggie's fault. I can't imagine the DB training budget is very high.
Greg, my own tip for you, take it or leave it. Try to have a point. It makes the story much more interesting for the reader.
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 5:21PM
Wow, this "guest" must be a really angry guy ...
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 5:24PM
Goes to show that finance/wall street/the 'high life' is not for everyone. 960k on a 200k salary with 2 kids in Manhattan? Homeboy really needs to finish college.
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 5:24PM
Ten grand to the first guy to post a picture of EP in a bikini on DB.
- Cliff Asness
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 5:25PM
Does @15 really think that Martinique is in Africa? Am I missing something or is he/she (or he-she) really that fucking dumb?
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 5:27PM
@34 for the win. Classic plane trains autos reference.
Your like a doll with one of those strings but I don't pull it you do! ACK ACK ACK!
Posted by AndrewInGreenwich , Jun 02, 2009 5:28PM
I haven't seen writing this bad since I stopped reading the Bob Loblaw Law Blog.
Great post. One awkward sentence.
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 5:34PM
AIG- you have seen writing this bad since you read your last comment.
Posted by Pay It Forward , Jun 02, 2009 5:36PM
@21: Amen.
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 5:37PM
@21- he's also better than Carney (and EP).
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 5:37PM
Greg = Porker Stansberry's love child with LOBSTERCLOPS
Posted by NegativeConvexity , Jun 02, 2009 5:39PM
George Michael,
I would have to say that 'Faith' was probably your best song. It must be tough going from being a top-tier pop star to taking EP.
Anyways, if they ever invite you out of your parents' basement for lunch or something, remeber this: do NOT become their GAL PAL.
Full court press for some action, buddy. Get it while it's available.
Posted by Pay It Forward , Jun 02, 2009 5:45PM
43 = Joe Weisenthal
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 5:52PM
@45 - but of course he would like to be their GAL PAL
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 5:54PM
34...when has that ever stopped EP? She's the Thomas Pynchon of blog contributors.
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 5:56PM
So the falcon's heard the falconer.
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 6:34PM
Greg, these guys are just closeted homos (not that there's anything wrong with it) who don't know how to channel their frustrated sexuality.
Change your name to Geena Michaels at the next place, and you won't have that problem, although many of them will want to marry you and see pictures of your carpet.
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 7:14PM
Greg, The Palm is something i'm sure you are familiar with at home in bed on a Friday night. You suck.
-Ted Nugent
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 7:31PM
1. EP is is too proud of herself. Humble thyself wench.
2. I want to know where EP learned English. Clearly, they do not instruct pupils on succint writing that clearly conveys subtlety and depth of message.
3. Greg, you're an asshole.
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 7:34PM
I would like to hear more about the possibility of paid commenters. Who amongst this group is being paid to have us believe they are one of us? Anal_yst? TGD? That Sham-wow motherfucker?
Posted by Mimi Chang , Jun 02, 2009 8:17PM
Too hissy. Couldn't fit.
Posted by wcburrs87 , Jun 02, 2009 8:38PM
wcburrs87 has received some checks in the past, but recently i have been cut off. i've been reduced to getting the prime rib at del friscos. how pedestrian.
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 8:43PM
If I was EP, I would give Greg a good ass rogering for of all this tomfoolery.
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 9:59PM
@37
Rule #1. When reading EP aka Marla, don't believe one word she prints about herself.
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 10:10PM
Greg, here is my tip:
When some guy tells the WSJ he was a BSD floor trader who could literally smell market sentiment, and that same guy goes on to say he could do that in a market that moved up, then down about 300% in one year, and for all this he was awarded the princely sum of 200k in said year and now he can't find a job, in say, Chicago or Houston, swinging his big dick around... you may want to reconsider the whole idea of posting that BS story here, because a successful trader, that man most surely was (is) not.
Posted by guest , Jun 02, 2009 11:24PM
@57- she's even worse over there than she was here.
Posted by guest , Jun 03, 2009 6:59AM
narcissus or Narcissus?
— lameiknow
Posted by guest , Jun 03, 2009 8:56AM
@ 58, not to mention the fact that he got laid off from a NYMEX job in 2007. If you're a floor trader and aren't working on your exit strategy, unfortunately, I don't exactly feel bad for you.
Posted by guest , Jun 03, 2009 9:02AM
@52, agreed.
Gregg pack up your shit, get the fuck out and move it on a little farther down the line.
EP - rest on your vaca because you need it - it shows in your writing. Wench.
Posted by girl , Jun 03, 2009 9:37AM
EP,
First things first, you aren't on vacation- you are in your pathetic little apartment in fly-over state chewing on your mangy hair whilst rocking back and forth and mumbling to yourself.
No one cares for your 'words of wisdom' nor your 3rd-rate satire. You were never able to adapt your writing to the times or the desires of your reader, and that's why you were promptly disposed of. Now please go back to posting your absurdly loquacious diatribes on your own website.
With Kind Regards.
Posted by guest , Jun 03, 2009 9:50AM
@63
She's taking a remedial course in statistics to try to prove another GOP conspiracy theory. She's also redecorating the Romper Room with pictures of medieval torture devices.
Posted by guest , Jun 03, 2009 9:57AM
58 61 Help me with this. Floor trading as described here (working for a firm, not a specialist) is not like prop trading - its low risk, little capital involved, picking up nickels here and there. One step up from operations. And most people that do it have a background like this guy. So $200K is the low side of the range, but not unusual. Yes?
Posted by guest , Jun 03, 2009 10:27AM
Uh, he's a floor trader with no college degree? And he's wondering why he can't find a job in a down market.
Buddy, I feel for you, it's pretty bad out there, but there are thousands of more qualified and educated people looking for jobs as well...
Posted by guest , Jun 03, 2009 12:34PM
Guest@#53...
Regarding your question about paid commenters on DB...
Anal_yst has written a number of guest columns on DB. Paid? TGFD doesn't know. Same for "girl".
As for paid commenters who lurk in the "shark-infested cesspool", now that's an interesting idea, indeed.
"TGD" (do you mean TGFD?) has not been approached by DB management, my quality-work history notwithstanding. The only "approach" TGFD gets from them is the approach trajectory of the DB bomb just before it hits the trailer and knocks out my communications. That happens from time to time.
"That Sham-wow motherfucker?" Now there's a good candidate. I agree with you. Put him on the payroll. He is clearly insane and probably also afflicted with one-dimensional myopia. Does he ever talk about anything else?
TGFD took yesterday off, so I'm posting a bit late on this one.
The Guy from Delaware
Posted by girl , Jun 03, 2009 1:43PM
I post/write here because it's fun and a nice diversion from the day. I don't think anyone gets paid to do so; to my knowledge the site isn't that desparate for commentary. EP's just a nutcase, more so than TGFD (no offense old man! Keep on keeping on)
Posted by guest , Jun 03, 2009 2:19PM
girl@#68...
TGFD doesn't believe that you'd call me "old man" again after you met me. I think you'd be surprised. Most chicks are attracted to TGFD.
I like "ancient bastard" better than "old man" anyway. One of the DB goons came up with that one.
No offense intended, young lady, but I heard you say recently that "TGFD drives you batshit crazy". May I suggest that you keep on being that way. It's a lot of fun, and liberating too.
The Guy from Delaware
p.s. I liked the guest column you wrote on DB the other day.