I sincerely hope no Bank of America employees are not reading the internet today because really? The blows are going fast, hard and low. If Ken Lewis and Co were already feeling a bit bad about themselves, if they were starting to think, “maybe it’s true, maybe we really do suck,” if they were beginning to take the trash talk that they can’t do anything right to heart, the absurdly catty critique of the Bryant Park building over at Bloomberg will not do wonders for the ego. First off, according to architecture critic James S. Russell, the place is a constant reminder that before Ken Lewis came up with the genius idea to buy Countrywide and Merrill Lynch, BAC wasn’t in the toilet.
The building was touted as costing $1 billion in 2004, and the bank has declined to update the figure. After the 64 percent slump in the bank’s shares since September, this glinting bundle of shards, nearing completion across from Bryant Park, could be considered a monument to bonus-coddled, overindulgent, corporate excess.
And that stuff about it being the antidote to global warming? Bull.
Cook & Fox touts One Bryant Park as “the world’s most environmentally responsible high-rise office building.”
This is an overstatement. Around the world, eco-buildings have moved far beyond this design.
Okay, but besides the greed and green stuff, is she doable? No. Russel wouldn’t fuck her with Angelo Mozilo’s dick.
The 54-story result is among the most ungainly forms on the skyline, like a matron who swathes herself in thick layers of fabric in a vain attempt to slim her burgeoning silhouette.
What the? And after that thinly veiled shot at KL’s cankles? Anything else you wanna say? Yes. Jimmy would like to get one more thing off his chest.
…dumpy.
OH NO, SHE DI’INT. On the bright side! Russell does slip in one thing that, if they’re smart, BAC execs will use to their benefit on the off-chance the next few quarters don’t go their way. How can anyone be expected to make money money take take money money when they can’t even see due to an environment that fosters 24/7 squinting?
Though bands of white ceramic dots fused onto the glass are designed to cut unwanted sun, a bank official said the company had regretted not investing in shades that would automatically lower when the sun beats in.
Bank of America’s Earnest Eco-Tower Rises From New York Slump [Bloomberg via DI]
Suck on my engorged member, you pretentious pooftah ponce.
-KL
I hear it’s made from old, recycled Boone’s bottles.
James S. Russell can suck on my prestige. And catch the herp from it.
-KL
Who pissed off Bess today?
Building looks nice enough to me. What the hell is wrong with it?
Too bad the tower is practically empty from BofA laying everybody off and ML legacy leaving.
@4 what are you talking about? bess let’s the claws hang out on the regular. first time on db?
@4 bess wasn’t the one who called ken lewis fat.
I like Bess angry. She does some of her best writing that way, feverish and sexy.
@7 – Just was not expecting the reference to Angelo’s dick.
I have been in both the JPM/Bear building and the BOFA tower and they are not even close, Madison ave kills it. This place was a colossal f-up from start to finish. Toilets dont work, etc. Just a horrible job all around.
I like it.
KL
@10 do you often confuse funny with angry?
@10 – Do not shit in my mouth and tell me its raining!
@4
Anybody banged anybody in this place yet?
“The air is filtered of dust and harmful gasses to a much higher degree than in most existing buildings.”
Bess – Please reread this sentence a few times. Though I’ll concede it is somewhat awkwardly worded, I’m pretty sure it means that the filtration is superior to other existing buildings.
@15 yes. KL fucked everybody in the building in January…
My buddy Ted designed something like that for Goliath National Bank, but it never worked out.
Bryant Park Helmsley Astoria Arms Hotel
1864 Sixth Avenue
New York, NY 10019
———————
Guest: Lewis, K
Room: Penthouse
Rate: $56,000/day plus app tax
Pymt: American Express Black Card ending in “0709″
———————
Current Charges to Room:
MC Hammer Parachute Pants (1 pr)……$ 99.00
Rosetta Stone Software (Yankee)……….. 1,499.00
Cabela Assorted Bass Lures (1 box)…… 25.00
Skoal Tobacco (2 cases)………………….. 175.00
Video: Box Set “Beverly Hillbillys”…….. 55.00
Custom NY License plate “Banker1″…… 225.00
Yosemite Sam Mudflaps for Pvt Car…… 85.00
Sleeveless T-shirts (2 doz)………………. 66.00
Replica Elvis “TCB” Gold Neckchain…… 312.00
Movie: “Damn Yankees”…………………. 8.00
Zebco 202 Rod/Reel set…………………. 15.00
Damage: Carolina Rig Worm Removal (Wall)……150.00
Stenographer for dictation of “I’m a Bank
Chairman-Get me Out of Here!! pilot……… 1,200.00
Bumpersticker: “NCNB=No Cash, No Bankin’.. 8.00
Book: “Bald People in Banking”…………………. 34.00
Installation: In-room Charcoal Grill…………… 420.00
Kingsford Charcoal (6 sacks)……………………. 60.00
Pulled Pork BBQ Meat (10 lbs)…………………… 95.00
Boones Farm Logo-ed T-shirt…………………. 14.00
Additional Refrigerator for Fishing Worms….. 400.00
Damage” Removal Top Water Lure from sink.. 150.00
Stink bait (3 package)………………………………. 14.00
Installation: Tire Swing……………………………. 150.00
Camoflauge bedcovers…………………………….. 75.00
Assorted Duck Calls………………………………… 113.00
Meatball Sandwich…………………………………. 15.00
Installation: 150 gal “Sweet Tea” Dispenser…… 225.00
Installation: Black Cat Fireworks Stand…………. 1,100.00
@16 I’m picking up what you’re throwing down.
@ 18
Legen…wait for it…dary
I heard they’s gonna plant okra on the roof to help reduce city temperatures.
Looks like the dildo from Seven.
@2, No! You made the same mistake as the moron architects, it’s supposed to look like a Boone’s bottle…
Somebody tell that orange mortgage guy I need a whipping boy stat!
KL
Here’s a few tidbits about BofA’s “green” building that you might find enjoyable.
According to a source from ConEd, the building consumes more electricity than the average Manhattan skyscraper.
There are “waterless” urinals in the men’s room. This may have sounded like a good idea on paper, but let me tell you first-hand, by the end of each week they became absolutely disgusting.
In an additional attempt to conserve water, the toilets have extremely weak flushing power. As a result, employees have to flush multiple times. I would say an overall greater net consumption of water on this one.
Lastly, instead of having a trash and recycle bin in the kitchen/break areas, they have 3 different bins. None of them are labeled garbage or recycling, but instead have new and unfamiliar names such as compostables. Initially, there was a sign board that attempted to explain and provide a list of examples of things that fell into each of these bins. Unfortunately, the employees just couldn’t understand them and simply tossed trash to the best of their ability to interpret the labels.
I admit i felt bad about this, and at first attempted to look in each one to see where similar pieces of trash already sat before adding to the pile. But eventually you just get too busy to be bothered and do the best you can.
bank of america is lost 20 of it’s equity traders today
This is to say nothing of the fact that they received a good amount of public financing (liberty bonds) for the building, alas, I doubt even with the acquisitions, they’ll have enough headcount in the building to avoid repaying them.
Forgive the self-spam, but:
http://1-2knockout.typepad.com/12_knockout/2008/05/bank-of-america.html
@19 Bless you.
i heard 20 ttraders were let go from CS this afternoon — anyone else hear the same?
That was a frankly fun article!!
You couldnt be more right!!