So much unhappiness wafting from the House of Dimon these days! As you all know, the fall of Bear didn’t just result in Jimmy Cayne finding it necessary to economize with a switch to crack-laced joints. It also meant a whole lot of lucky Bear guys– the ones who didn’t get fired– taking their off shoes, unbuckling their belts and putting their feet up on the desk at the House of Dimon. The legacy JPM-ers tolerated the new additions at first, thinking it wouldn’t be long before the BSC-ers got the boot. Unfortunately, things didn’t exactly turn out that way! Specifically they’re talking about wanting to take Jeff Urwin, former Bear co-head of investment banking and current Head of Investment Banking Coverage in the Americas at JPM, out in a body bag. Since the guy who could conceivably sign off on that, Doug Braunstein, is not taking calls at the moment, we’ve been asked to put out the word, on the off chance he’s blowing off steam on DB.
Bankers at JPM are seriously disgruntled. We’ve endured Jeff Urwin for over a year now, but no one expected him to last this long. He’s created an enormous amount of bureaucracy – everything from making bankers track the hours of their day like lawyers to disciplining bankers who don’t have more than 250 clicks on certain internal websites. Creating all of these bullshit systems and internal bureaucracy just allow him to justify his existence. To add insult to injury, Big Brother hasn’t seen clients in over a decade and wouldn’t know how to sell a life vest to a drowning man. Senior bankers, including myself, are fed up, but Doug Braunstein seems to be oblivious. We’ve been asked to cut costs in every way possible, but I see this big piece of fat called Jeff Urwin that could certainly be cut.
Without having performed out standard on-site diligence to observe Urwin in the zone, we’re going to put out an early suggestion that he’d probably score mucho brownie points with the team by doing something as simple as bringing back lucite plaqutes.
lick my god damn balls.
-jeff urwin
wah wah wah. suck it the fuck up, bitches.
-jd
“Bankers at JPM are seriously disgruntled”
are you employed? than STFU
Where’s the pacifier …
suck it b1thches!
only once have i ever had to put up with such nonsense in a wall street firm. it still grates on my nerves. the urwin’s of the world should be shining shoes, not working in an investment bank.
Do not dis my grundle, friend.
you’re all getting a pounding in the ass for this insolence.
-steve black
There have to be more effective ways of getting your boss fired than bitching to a blog…
@8 hmm seems to me that having his name slandered online is a pretty good start.
I know this problem well. It’s called “Tool In the Big Office Syndrome” or TIBOS.
You can leave, get the tool fired, or STFU.
New surgeon general sounded pretty nervous, Barry should have offered her a smoke.
Need over 250 clicks on internal websites? I see an opportunity for Greg–didn’t he break the single season comments record at DB?
“It’s called “Tool In the Big Office Syndrome” or TIBOS.” Don’t I know it.
-big daddy cayne
I wish I could offer some color but I’m so fucking stoned right now and can’t even place this guy.
-jim cayne
@9
what i usually do is hide underaged porn on his shared folders
alternatively i order prostitutes to his office
sounds like this guy envisions being shown the door real soon and is getting one in before the bell.
@12
greg hold the record for taking online abuse – he’s got more haters than hitler
maybe they’d get more clicks on their internal websites if they included my pearls of wisdom? just a suggestion. fucking derelicts.
–Lenny Dykstra
Chicks with dicks is the new hottness.
LD
Fire him. I need somebody to man Fritos central while I get baked.
-jc
The Bear creates a different kind of banker…not a good thing
- Guy who used to work for ex-Bear bankers
@15 I’m going to try that. Any other tips?
Bear was the least bureaucratic place I’ve ever heard of.
These shoes? Got a problem with these shoes?
-@23
That was because it was a cross between a clueless frathouse and a semi-criminal organisation. Bunch of useless nitwits, I fired 23 of the 24 who came my way in the jpm-bsc event.
21, care to clarify? otherwise stfu bc bear bankers outwork and outsell anyone
@26
So true, the ex-Bear VPs here are our best associates.
-@26
hahaha – yeah, sure. ‘bear banker’ – wtf is that?
The former financial officer for Texan billionaire Allen Stanford’s empire is to plead guilty over an alleged $7bn (£4.3bn) fraud, his lawyer says.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/8148674.stm
Bear Bankers – oxymoron. good at filling out time sheets and preserving their lifetime supply of paper clips. Only reason firm existed was to print flawed MBS paper
“bear bankers outwork and outsell anyone”
thanks, I needed a good laugh.
Having these senior bear bankers around is dangerous like leaving a malignant tumor to grow. Will be the ultimate downfall of JPM if left alone.
I designed the logo so that the EAR in bear and EAR in stearns matched up
james “420″ cayne
I’m only a student so pardon my ignorance. In this context, what is lucite referring to? I know its acrylic glass, but that makes no sense here…
@33 nice work jc
@27 wins
this thread can be closed
@34
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123431574025671015.html
@34 back in the heyday (2007, etc), deal teams like to congratulate themselves with completely unnecessary lucite plaques. if you click the link above, JPM got rid of them in a cost cutting effort. the joke, which makes perfect sense, is that the ban on lucite is the source of this jpm banker’s ire.
Did Schwartz and team get a lucite for the sell side of the century. Why is Urwin spelled with a “U”?
@39 b/c that’s how he spells his name, dumbass.
Watch out for employees holding stingrays, mate.
-S. Irwin
Jeff Urwin is complete nonsense.
One thing this post didnt mention is he’s British.
So with the British accent, when he says “I think Seameless web can be a profit center”….10 MDs agree in unison and some chunky blond IBD COO hires MCKinsey to do a 3yr study for $1 million…”and her HBS Prof. might like it as a case too”
He sat in his office at Bear and never EVER saw one client. He was fired as a Lehman Emerging Markets Country Head (think Lat Am) in the 90s and wrangled that into convincing Bear that he was Head of all International / Emerging Markets.
He is not a deal guy, never had a major client, knows zero M&A, and is a lawyer to boot.
He literally tracks “banker pipeline” via T&E expenses….so if your doing 5 deals with TPG, KKR, HF, Blackstone, and Warburg all in midtown NYC…with no airfare/hotel T&E…..you will be called in vs. the brown-noser MD w. zero revenue but 15 “calling-trips” to Europe each quarter.
He spends his days working on his crappy car collection (80s garbage, he claims to been a race car driver; or spending six figures on ebay/internet surfing, and having “Headhunter Summits” to plot the next 3yr guarantee to give to burn-out group heads….who 100% of the time produce zero $.
He loves time tracking, and self evaluations, and business plans with fantasy revenues.
He has his own network of COOs, Staffers, HR lackeyes, and eunuch Group Heads…100% of which came over to JPM.
Trouble is some Dimon/S.Black spy at JPM will pick this story up and he will be GONE before summers end.
Bye Jeff.
@34 – Save your money, drop out and answer your true calling…..Mopping up at the j shack
this would never happen at jt marlin
@41 Good On Ya mate.
He is selling his Townhouse for $30+ Million
Time sheet tracking pays…..
http://curbed.com/tags/jeffrey-urwin
Stats = 90% of IB booted
-Bear Stearns Cos. had 14,000 employees, including 98 senior managing directors, when it imploded on March 14.
- J.P. Morgan Chase & Co., has extended job offers to 6,000 ex-Bear staffers, including 38 senior managing directors, about 20 have joined J.P. Morgan.
- About 10% of Bear’s roughly 600 investment bankers were recruited by J.P. Morgan.
if you assume avg pay and benefits of $200K for those 600 “bear bankers” that works out to almost 3 cents of earnings….at today’s multiple its about 2 bux per share. i say get rid of the dead weight.
I hear the Bear Prime Brokerage group is full of Jokers!!
Re; Townhouse
That place is decorated like a 1990s Cleveland Ritz Carlton…..
Sheeh that Kitchen is right off Bravo’s Housewives of New Jersey…Cherry & Black Granite…Home Depot stocks that pre-cut now.
That media room is so 1990s….overstuffed matte-gray sectionals?
These folks have zero taste.
-How about some original classics like a Mies Barcelona chair or Bench or Le Cobusier Club Chairs….or Herman Miller Rosewood Recliner…..
Their guests must have burst out laughing after they were aound corner
Urwin is a joke. This guy needs to go. The only thing that this guy does that might look like “work” is hold a meeting on Monday mornings. At these meetings, he summons a few loyal dogs to brag about their deal sheet this year and to talk about how “the capital markets are open”. After the presentations are over, Urwin says in his pompous British accent “Well there you have it, we keep telling you all that these are the themes that are important to clients, you all need to keep up the intensity and keep stressing these themes, these themes work… (he uses the words intensity and themes like 50 times per meeting).
After that you don’t see him or hear from him for the rest of the week because he never leaves the office and has zero value to add beyond telling people to be intense.
Once a week you will get an automated email telling you that you didn’t fill out last weeks “intensity” reports. An “intensity” report is a bullshit system created by Urwin in which you indicate the % of time spent on deals/clients. This system is a joke because it doesn’t track actual hours, only % of time spent. The system basically assumes that everyone works the same number of hours per week. That means you can’t actually create a Revenue $/Hour metric which is basically the only useful metric that this system could produce, if only it was implemented in a logical manner.
All of the legacy Bear guys say that Urwin was just as worthless over there. His entire career was made on internal politics. It should piss everyone off that this guy is living in a $32 million townhouse. Presumably everyone who reads this could do Urwin’s job on top of the one they already have.
Urwin is a complete loser, a*shole (bad taste in Jag Your Ares, with the crap affected accent that should have been gone years ago, but he knew it added a few points to his perceived IQ) that was flushed out of Lehman and only made his out of LatAm banking at Bear and up into IB Management because the other co-head of banking (Glaser, now at BofA) realized the only way to save his own tail from pot smokers and excessive bridge players was to have someone with a lower IQ than him as his co-head. Look it up, Glaser shows good Darwinism, which was critical to thrive on the Bear executive committee.
Jeff Urwin is a complete waste. He sits on dozens of internal committees (half of which he’s created), thinks up various ways to try to measure people’s performance and sends out market update e-mails twice a week. It’s insulting that as a seasoned banker, I have to have a sit-down with this clown every quarter to go through my business plan. If I’m going to answer to anyone, I’d at least like it to be someone that I can respect.
While it’s ashame that this is being brought to light on DB, it’s probably the only way that JPM bankers can speak their minds without risking their jobs. Jeff is detested by every JPM banker I know. What will it take for Braunstein to wake up and finally can this guy?
Jeff Urwin is a complete waste. He sits on dozens of internal committees (half of which he’s created), thinks up various ways to try to measure people’s performance and sends out market update e-mails twice a week. It’s insulting that as a seasoned banker, I have to have a sit-down with this clown every quarter to go through my business plan. If I’m going to answer to anyone, I’d at least like it to be someone that I can respect.
While it’s ashame that this is being brought to light on DB, it’s probably the only way that JPM bankers can speak their minds without risking their jobs. Jeff is detested by every JPM banker I know. What will it take for Braunstein to wake up and finally can this guy?
Jeff Urwin is a complete waste. He sits on dozens of internal committees (half of which he’s created), thinks up various ways to try to measure people’s performance and sends out market update e-mails twice a week. It’s insulting that as a seasoned banker, I have to have a sit-down with this clown every quarter to go through my business plan. If I’m going to answer to anyone, I’d at least like it to be someone that I can respect.
While it’s ashame that this is being brought to light on DB, it’s probably the only way that JPM bankers can speak their minds without risking their jobs. Jeff is detested by every JPM banker I know. What will it take for Braunstein to wake up and finally can this guy?
Did Jeff receive a guarantee from JPM? Is that why we’re being forced to tolerate him?
If he did receive one, anyone know when it’s up?
Getting slammed by unemployed 23 yr old ex-jeffries analysts on DB chat threads is the new killin it.
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