• 09 Jul 2009 at 2:29 PM

Lenny Dykstra Recommends Private Planes

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We honestly did not mean to make this Lenny Dykstra Day but the glory that is Nails demands it. This next one, brought to our attention by one of your own, is a track from LD’s greatest hits, wherein Big D makes the modest suggestion that your quality of life would improve immensely by flying private. The fact that his Gulfstream II was impounded in February makes it a bit bittersweet, but, as previously stated, LD is not bankrupt and will make it back. Since he was let go of his gig at TheStreet.com by faux friend Jim Cramer, (pictured above with Nails in happier times), we are putting it out there that there is a columnist gig for Len here at DB. I know we make the offer to a lot of people, usually jokingly, but after reading this contribution to literature we are dead serious. This will be a paid position, and perks are included but not limited to all the dip LD could ever desire.

Private Jets Take Hassle Out of Flying
12/02/08 – 09:21 AM EST
Lenny Dykstra
I know that I don’t have to tell any baseball fans this, but I thoroughly enjoyed my time playing in the major leagues. In fact, I loved every second of it. Who wouldn’t?
But like many professional athletes, I had to adjust to life after the major leagues. You’ve read about how some athletes find this to be a horrible struggle, out of the limelight, not really sure of how to spend their days.
I was lucky in that I had businesses that I set up for myself, and after I trusted a broker who lost $1.6 million of my hard-earned money, I learned how to handle my own investments. I was fulfilled away from the field. But I will tell you that even with minding my businesses and my investments, I had a few shocks to adjust to.
One of them was taking a commercial flight.

I know that may sound a little snotty, but certainly you know how I feel. Does anyone enjoy flying commercial these days?
Flying on a regular airline is especially difficult and expensive if you have a family. The hassle of getting to the airport, checking your luggage, waiting to get through the security line, and then finally making it to your seat.
Even when I flew first class, this was no joy. After paying big bucks for first class, you still have to deal with every person who sits in the back of the plane hitting you on your shoulder and elbow with their luggage, purses and whatever else they may be carrying as they pass by.
After all this hassle, I just came to the realization that there had to be a better way to get to where I wanted to go. So I looked into taking a private jet.
Once I did it, I loved it and swear that I will never go back to flying a commercial tube. Now, before you get huffy and think: “Big time baseball player enjoying his private plane,” just take a breather. A private plane is expensive, but it may be worth your while. At least, it’s an option that you may want to consider.
I would have never known how wonderful it is to fly a private jet if I hadn’t tried it out. That’s what I want you to do.
If it’s for you, then wonderful. I’ve saved you some hassle, and you’ll find that you have more time to work on your business or relax. And if taking a private jet, is not your thing. Well, that’s OK.
But you never know. Maybe I’ll see you on a private jet sometime. (I’ll be the guy in the suit and baseball cap.)

Read the rest here.

61 comments (hidden to protect delicate sensibilities)
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Comments (61)

  1. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 2:30 PM

    Is that picture stretched or am I on acid

  2. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 2:34 PM

    Looks like the illegitimate spawn of Cramer and Steve Rattner.

  3. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 2:34 PM

    @1 – you’re on acid

  4. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 2:35 PM

    LD…the gift that keeps on giving!! LOL!

  5. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 2:35 PM

    that is the greatest thing I’ve ever read.

  6. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 2:35 PM

    What a day. I’m getting input from Dykstra and Citi. Where the hell is Billie Sol Estes when you need him?
    (You puppy bankers need to read up on ole’ Billie Sol.)

  7. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 2:36 PM

    I thought that thing was going to be from like ’96. But no. December 2008. Awesome.

  8. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 2:36 PM

    What is the spoon for? Are they cooking crack?

  9. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 2:37 PM

    “I learned how to handle my own investments. I was fulfilled away from the field.”
    Handling his own money is what fulfills him. Not helping disadvantaged children. Not establishing his own charity. Not starting a business and creating jobs. Not being a good husband.
    Handling his own money.
    What a shallow piece of shit. Enjoy bankruptcy Nails!

  10. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 2:38 PM

    How long before Cramer does a Beeker on us??

  11. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 2:38 PM

    roll forward 10 minutes and JC is shoving it up LD’s backside in the restroom…mile high club street.com style

  12. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 2:40 PM

    No mas Nails.
    – Roberto Duran

  13. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 2:42 PM

    “you’ll find that you have more time to work on your business”
    Is he talking about taking a dump?

  14. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 2:43 PM

    Is Cramer wearing dayglo nail polish?

  15. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 2:43 PM

    @14 hah!

  16. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 2:45 PM

    @14…excellent!!

  17. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 2:47 PM

    that pic = my new wallpaper. boom. roasted.

  18. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 2:47 PM

    ” . . . we are putting it out there that there is a columnist gig for Len here at DB.”
    Uh-oh. Does this mean Greg’s days are numbered?

  19. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 2:47 PM

    “Once I did it, I loved it and swear that I will never go back to flying a commercial tube. ”
    how ’bout now, Len? What about now?

  20. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 2:49 PM

    Cramer = Mozilo’s orange love child

  21. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 2:49 PM

    Lenny needs to be DB’s newest contributor.

  22. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 2:51 PM

    Going from private to commercial is like going all the way back to holding hands.
    -Warren Buffett

  23. Posted by Clown Capital | July 9, 2009 at 2:52 PM

    Sounds like somebody’s gonna be “Dancing With The Stars” real soon…

  24. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 2:54 PM

    It’s worth noting in his “bankruptcy” filing, he reported that he owes $967,000 to various aviation companies.

  25. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 2:56 PM

    “This is where the big man sits”

  26. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 2:56 PM

    Erin Burnett gives me a chubby. Bess too. Especially when she talks dirty.
    Warren

  27. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 2:58 PM

    The face look so super imposed almost like a 3rd grader with an old computer did it.

  28. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 3:02 PM

    This man is a national treasure.

  29. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 3:02 PM

    god GOD i love this guy.

  30. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 3:07 PM

    I don’t think the viagra has worked its way out of my system yet.

  31. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 3:09 PM

    Shakespeare, Dickens, Dykstra.

  32. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 3:10 PM

    Is it possible to get a copy of the bankruptcy filing? Like to see how bad it really is.

  33. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 3:13 PM

    skank: You wanna come home with me tonight?
    Detective John Shaft: It’s been a while. – So what is it this time?
    You just wanna be held, or you want the L.D.?
    skank: What you think it is? l want the L.D., baby. And then I wanna be held.
    Shaft:- That’s all right with you? – You know me. It’s my duty to please that booty. Finish up. Let’s go.

  34. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 3:16 PM

    Lenny Dykstra: I’m the man who has the ball. I’m the man who can throw it faster than fuck. So that is why i am better than everyone in the world. Kiss my ass and suck my dick… everyone.

  35. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 3:16 PM

    Next week from Nails’ on the street.com: The switch from crack to cocaine:
    “Once I did it, I loved it and swear that I will never go back to smoking crack. Now, before you get huffy and think: “Big time baseball player enjoying his expensive cocaine,” just take a breather. Cocaine is expensive, but it may be worth your while. At least, it’s an option that you may want to consider. No more long waits in downtrodden neighborhoods waiting in line to blow strangers for 5 bucks, it’s called delivery service. No more paranoia and voices; just models, bottles and the potential for a yacht someday.”

  36. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 3:17 PM

    LD: When my ass was 19 years old, I changed the face of professional baseball. I was handed the keys to the kingdom, multi-million dollar deals, endorsements. Everyone wanted a piece of my shit. Just a man with a mind for victory and an arm like a fucking cannon. But sometimes when you bring the thunder, you get lost in the storm.

  37. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 3:20 PM

    Larry Kudlow: Dykstra. Step into my office. Let’s do some blow.
    Lenny Dykstra: Finally, motherfucker.

  38. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 3:22 PM

    @36 literally, LOL

  39. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 3:22 PM

    “Even when I flew first class, this was no joy. After paying big bucks for first class, you still have to deal with every person who sits in the back of the plane hitting you on your shoulder and elbow with their luggage, purses and whatever else they may be carrying as they pass by.”
    I would trade this year’s bonus check to be sitting in first class in an aisle seat, waiting for the passengers to finish boarding and see Lenny Dykstra walk on board.

  40. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 3:26 PM

    “Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends” – Edward Norton Jr. 25th Hour (2002)

  41. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 3:26 PM

    36 wins

  42. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 3:29 PM

    That picture makes me so horny that I want to rim a hot bagel.

  43. Posted by Bess Levin | July 9, 2009 at 3:32 PM

    @36 If LD doesn’t take the gig I want you to write the Nails column.

  44. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 3:33 PM

    was Kenny Powers based, at least in part, on Dykstra?

  45. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 3:36 PM

    Once I did it, I loved it and swear that I will never go back to fucking in the vadge. Now, before you get huffy and think: “Big time baseball player enjoying his anal sex with other guys,” just take a breather. Gay sex is a bit harder on the rear end, but it may be worth your while. At least, it’s an option that you may want to consider.

  46. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 3:37 PM

    Bess,
    If Nails takes the job, are you going to set him up with with Muffie?

  47. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 3:40 PM

    @47 considering she’s a fictional character, no. besides i’ve got all the skanks i need, thanks.
    -LD

  48. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 3:40 PM

    Thanks Bess – I’ll look into it.
    -36

  49. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 3:41 PM

    Let’s get some more coverage of Nails’ creditors. At what point did entrusting hundreds of thousands to a guy that sounds mentally retarded seem like a good idea and why? Have to be some good stories in those claims.

  50. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 3:42 PM

    an arm like a cannon, a penis like a burmese python and a mind like a god damn scientist

  51. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 3:43 PM

    @45
    More like his teammate Mitch Williams
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Williams#1993_World_Series

  52. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 4:21 PM

    @36 & 12….. excellent posts!

  53. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 4:39 PM

    “And if taking a private jet, is not your thing. Well, that’s OK.”
    Who the fuck says taking a private jet is not their thing? He might as well have written a piece trying to convince guys to get blowjobs.

  54. Posted by guest | July 9, 2009 at 4:42 PM

    “LOL” offender: stop. This is not AOL instant messenger 1999.

  55. Posted by KevinB | July 10, 2009 at 4:40 AM

    On the 3rd page of the linked article, Lenny recommends BlueStar.
    Call Gordon! Where’s Bud?!

  56. [...] someone he wasn’t supposed to. The last was the 17 year-old at the car wash. Most likely some stewardesses, too, but they haven’t said anything. Nails’ legal team has yet to respond to the [...]

  57. [...] very wise financier—Jim Cramer-endorsed, in fact—once made an appeal. That his flock would give private flying a chance. You see, prior to becoming the greatest mind on Wall Street, he was a pro ballplayer, and enjoyed [...]

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