As California lawmakers vote today on the proposed $15 billion solution to the $26 billion problem, the Governator may want to consider sticking to the ongoing efforts to make the IOU the common currency. In a state where a “native” is somebody that moved there more than 5 years ago, some of Arnold’s proposals may make even the most diehard transplants think twice about whether or not the California lifestyle makes up for the state’s fiscal idiocy.
Two of the more desperate plans under consideration to save money and sell everything it can to raise cash are releasing up to 27,000 prisoners and allowing new drilling for oil off the coast of Santa Barbara. With the recent passing of tax legislation on medical marijuana in Oakland, the state find itself one step closer to legalizing and taxing pot altogether. At this rate, the true image of the Golden State will be a bunch of baked ex-cons surfing through black sludge on their way back to squatting in foreclosed McMansions.
Archive for July 2009
It probably seemed exciting to those of you not intimately familiar in the ways of Jews from the Garden State but this thing really didn’t elicit much more than a NBD from us this morning. Money-laundering? Rabbis? Shady politicians? Welcome to my childhood. Now, our interest has been piqued, not so much because of the dead bodies but the notion that you could make an entire career out of peddling this shit:
The probe also involves the trafficking of body parts, according to a person familiar with the matter. One of the individuals who was arrested Thursday morning is an alleged organ dealer, this person said.
Or elicit a “no fucking shit,” I can’t decide which. This morning there are two of them, both about Dennis Kneale:
1) Apparently Kneale’s on-air “meltdown” and rant against “digital dickweeds,” who suggested DK’s bold claim that the recession was over was dead wrong (and whose commenters* later noted that DK should be put in a burlap sack and beaten with reeds, that he was functionally retarded, and that he bears a resemblance to Beaker) was manufactured. Specifically by his producer, former Fox guy Jerry Burke (the one who told DK the outburst was poetry, and the best thing he’d ever done on the show). But…but I thought…but didn’t Dennis say…didn’t he tell a reporter this wasn’t “about standing out”? And now you’re telling us the truth is that the whole thing was a stunt “to draw attention and drum up buzz“? So it was all a sham? I mean, it makes sense, given that Dennis had been in the slot for 14 weeks and no one was really paying attention, and if you consider that CNBC talent is contractually obligated to not let 15 seconds go by without starting a fight over something, anything, with fellow colleagues or guest, lest they receive an electric shock to the nipple but….but this means we were lied to? And…used? And might never be able to trust anything that comes out of Dennis’s mouth again?
2) DK (allegedly) gets drunk and gropes the wives of underlings.
*Some people–Dennis– have trouble differentiating, and you guys should be getting credit for your contributions.
Apparently the Consumer Financial Protection Agency is going to do a lot more than just define what products retail consumers will be duped by. According to Mad Max, it will also act as a national truth serum and prohibit people from lying. During a tour rehearsal yesterday, the leader of the David Obey fan club remarked that,”consumers fell prey to unscrupulous loan initiators who put them into subprime mortgages that they could not afford, such as adjustable rate mortgages, Alt-A loans, and liar loans.”
Having seen thousands of people give into the temptation to upgrade their income and assets when filling out loan documents, Maxie believes that the CFPA, acting in its capacity as sodium pentothal administrator, “would put an end to those practices”. Hopefully she will offer her priceless stamp of approval should the government decide to create the Consumer Personal Responsibility Agency.
On Tuesday, the awful news came out that Stephen Baldwin joined Lenny Dykstra on Team Bankruptcy. Alec and Billy seem to not give a rat’s ass about their brother’s financial situation, offering nothing in the way of a bailout. Stephen’s good friend and tenant, a heroin dealer, was recently arrested and will not be able to lend Baldy any proceeds from his crack slinging business. And now, we’ve learned that Stephen was forced to give up his spot on the reality TV show, “I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here!” after being attacked by wild animals. That’s right, people– Baldwin says he exited the show after receiving more than 125 insect bites in eight days.
According to Baldy, the bites were so bad that he had “an extreme allergic reaction that caused him to lose sleep and 22 pounds.” What we’re getting at here, is that Baldwin is really in a bad spot. He’s clearly in no position to work, at time when he could really use the money. It’s time to get charitable. It doesn’t have to come from your checkbook, though that would obviously help. Something as small but meaningful as rubbing on some Calamine lotion to reduce the swelling would mean a lot. He’d do the same for you.
*Which sounds really bad if you’re a celeb or pussy but at some the more hard-core hedge fund in the bunch is merely a standard exercise for non-performing PMs or when the big guy just wants to have some fun.
While US banks come increasingly under fire for scaling back traditional lending due to minor details like near 10% unemployment, at least one emerging market country has made sure that its citizens will have access to loans regardless of economic conditions. Russian state-owned bank Sberbank was ordered by Vladimir Putin to keep on lending despite a rise in bad loans and continued economic contraction. Vlady also made sure the bank didn’t just close unprofitable branches to focus on money-making ventures.
A significant part of the [branch] network is not profitable but you cannot abandon it,” he said. “This is your payment for the state support.”
Make bad loans and love it- the very words the now state-controlled banks in the US have lived by for years.
From: Cliff Asness
Date: Wed, Jul 22, 2009 at 11:14 AM
Subject: New version of health care essay at www.stumblingontruth.com and attached here.
Dear Friends (and bitter rivals),
NJ politicians–>Corzine–>Goldman. Boom. Done.
FBI agents swept across northern New Jersey Thursday, making arrests in a major international money laundering probe.
Federal prosecutors say about 30 people have been arrested in the two-track investigation. They include Assemblyman Daniel Van Pelt, Hoboken Mayor Peter Cammarano III and Secaucus Mayor Dennis Elwell. Federal prosecutors say several rabbis in New York and New Jersey were also arrested.
Radio station New Jersey 101.5 FM reports the sweeps are taking place in Hudson, Bergen, Monmouth and Ocean counties.
The station said the probe centers on money-laundering and political bid rigging.
Don’t get too excited just yet– Shia LaBeouf is still committed to this thing. It’s Javier Bardem that’s dropped out due to scheduling conflicts (a RomCom with Julia Roberts), leaving an opening for the role of the “villainous hedge fund chief” (a short seller, natch), who ShiLa somehow gets in his head is responsible for the suicide of his mentor (Dick Fuld*).
Obviously this is quite disappointing to those of us who were hoping the “evil short” would be a guy who walks the trading floor with a captive bolt pistol and can pull off a bowl-cut. Fox hasn’t announced an alternative actor, presumably because they’ve yet to come up with one, which is clearly where we come in. One London trader told Forbes the part calls for a thespian who can do the whole “emotionless expression” thing, since “successful traders need a bit of a steely demeanor where nothing shakes you, and he epitomizes that.” We could go in that direction, sure, if we wanted to be unimaginative fucks, or we could go with someone who could play an eccentric, should the role call for losing it at the drop of a hat, smashing computer screens, riding Zambonis around the office, and tap dancing on the desk, all in the course of one trading session. Ideas?
Bardem Snubs ‘Wall Street’ Sequel [Forbes via Dealbook]
*We’ve yet to see a script, and we’re not even sure if a final one has been completed but
who among us can say there wouldn’t be some comedic value there?
Obama: Banks Will Act Recklessly Without Reform (CBS)
“With respect to compensation, I’d like to think that people would feel a little remorse and feel embarrassed and would not get million-dollar or multimillion-dollar bonuses,” the President said.
Ford Posts $2.3 Billion Profit (WSJ)
Slowing of the cash burn! “The auto maker reported a net income of $2.3 billion or 69 cents a share, compared with a loss of $8.67 billion, or $3.89 a share for the same period a year earlier. The company burned through about $1 billion in cash during the quarter as it controlled incentive spending around the world while increasing output in its North American plants.”
Ice Cream Market Hot For Dairy Queen (Shanghai Daily)
The Oracle of Omaha is spreading the love: 500 more DQ’s in China over the next 5 years.
US Files Indictment Against Danny Pang (WSJ)
Basically just a restating of previous charges which were that the PEMGroup, as Pang once told a colleague, is a scam. A spokesman for Mr. Pang, however, said the businessman “believes these charges are false and he looks forward to being vindicated at trial.”
Howard Marks: Stem Those Fees (NYP)
The Oaktree Capital Management founder has a problem with huge incentive fees. Only the best (like Oaktree) should be getting them. “Incentive fees on the order of what we’ve seen are a big deal and they should only go to extraordinary portfolio managers,” said Marks.
Credit Suisse Reports $1.5 Billion Profit (NYT)
Up 29 percent from year-on-year but down from the first quarter profit of 2 billion francs. Brady Dougan is confident the team can keep this up, and that the other Swiss bank in town will blow Toblerone bars when it reports on August 4.
Fannie & Freddie: The most expensive bailout (CNN Money)
“We’re assuming they each will cross the $100 billion mark fairly soon. They could be hitting the $200 billion barrier by the end of next year,” said Bose George, mortgage analyst at Keefe, Bruyette & Woods, an investment bank specializing in financial services firms.
Hamptons Luxury Market Stalls With Four-Year Inventory Pileup (Bloomberg)
Only 37 homes above $2.37 million sold last quarter. Will no one step it up? How about this baby, any interest here? “The asking price for a 13,500-square-foot oceanfront home in Southampton Village with nine bedrooms, 11 bathrooms and a tennis court was reduced 25 percent in April to $60 million after sitting on the market for a year, and still hasn’t sold.”
$$$ “Clearly, we can do better,” Colm Kelleher, Morgan Stanley’s chief financial officer, said after analysts pushed him on the weak trading numbers. [Dealbook]
$$$ Bernie Madoff’s Personal Ad (it’s a fake, obviously, but posted on a real Craiglist-for-inmates site with his number and address so hopefully it’ll be of interest to someone on the inside looking for love). [The Frisky]
$$$ Would You Stand On Planes For Cheaper Tickets? [The Atlantic]
$$$ Investors Accuse NIR Group Of Providing ‘Fanciful’ Returns [FINalternatives]
$$$ Attorney For Three Former UBS Employees– the quants who left for Jefferies, where the Swiss claim they took “prop trading secrets”–Fires Back [Traders Magazine]
$$$The wardens who run this asylum want you to take this survey. We’re told it should be painless.
