To solve the problem of a single systemically critical firm potentially bringing down the rest of the economy, SEC Chairwoman Mary Schapiro believes a single systemic-risk regulator should do the trick. While a group of regulators will be involved in creative guesswork to set standards for,”liquidity, capital and risk-management practices” for large financial firms, it will be up to the systemic risk gatekeepers to determine when to force companies to sell assets or cease business. Should this stroke of genius come into being, the government will have pulled off the impossible. It will have successfully transferred the fate of systemic risk mitigation to the only group of people currently trusted less than risk management groups at banks- the government itself.

On the one hand, the massage enthusiast has officially been let out of prison today, after spending the last year of his life locked up for soliciting minors to stand awkwardly next to him while he jerked off into a towel (it was actually his assistant/social director who lined up the girls but details). So that’s got to feel pretty good. On the other, he’s got a bunch of lbs to lose (Bubba told him he’d regret the Hersey Bars, Peanut Butter Squeezer, and Li’l Chub Sausage) in order to get back to his fighting/tail chasing weight, some legal battles to deal with, including a recent suit that he made a “sex slave” out of a 15 year old, and an allegation by John Carney that Epstein is running a Ponzi scheme.
Earlier: Jeffrey Epstein, Comin’ At Ya

But since we asked nicely, in the case of Janet Tavakoli, Chaz will make an exception. Tavakoli got some Gaspo-related issues off her chest this morning, including but not limited to what she believes is a hypocritical inability on Chazza’s part to allow people (Joe Kernan, Dennis Kneale, etc) to interrupt him, and “caving” to Goldman Sachs, after he was invited to 85 Broad for lox and a schmear. Here’s what CG had to say about that:

“I generally don’t respond to people who don’t matter on Wall Street. But any rational, sane person who hasn’t been either hitting the bottle or smoking a joint would watch what I said about Goldman Sachs and come away with two things. 1) I am very tough on them– they always complain about what I say. and 2) In the so-called ‘caving’ clip I was letting them give their side of the story because that’s what journalists do. If someone named Janet thinks I’m selling out, she’s entitled to her opinion, which I hate to break it to her, really doesn’t matter.

We also asked CG how he felt about Tava-K’s low-blow, re: Gaspo never making it to the Golden Gloves, on account of an injury, which he’s claimed, several times, is the biggest regret of his life. “She’s not important enough to give me a low blow,” Chaz told us. “The guy that owns the pizza place down the block I care more about than some lady named Janet.” As for settling this on-air, Tavakoli has already told the FT she’s declined previous invitations from CNBC, and if she’s thinking there’ll be another offer, think again. “I wouldn’t debate her. She’s a nobody, she’s a publicity hound,” CG said. “I’d rather debate Lucas Van Praag.”

We are now inside of the two minute warning on the rating agency credibility countdown clock. While even the most green shoot loving politicians and pundits warn that there is a world of hurt coming in the commercial real estate market, S&P took the opportunity to upgrade 7 series of highly coveted 2007 vintage CMBS to AAA after downgrading them a week earlier. It seems S&P took a step back and rethought its approach to the scenario loss assumptions that brought it worldwide praise from investors and governments alike and realized that it was far too harsh. Consequently, the rating agency handed out the frequently seen 9-notch upgrade from BBB- to AAA to three series yesterday and made them (and the four other series) TALF eligible. Mad Max, take notice, the three series that got the supersized upgrade were from your favorite firm.

Specifically Janet Tavakoli, who thinks that Chaz has been going easy on Goldman Sachs, even after Lloyd Blankfein called him a thug and Lucas Van Praag told the FT he was a blow-hard. Some people think CG might be suddenly treating GS with kid gloves ever since the bank deigned to speak with him, though it’s just as likely the insults and name-calling could’ve done the trick. We’ve yet to hear what CG thinks of all this, but assuming he takes issue with it, and fast-forwarding through the rebuttal (“This woman isn’t fit to slice my deli meat”) any idea who these two could bury the hatch? [via ZH]
Tavakoli on CNBC

Been watching Dylan Ratigan at MSNBC much? We had every intention to do so, but the bottom line is it would require effort to flip the channel over from CNBC and we just can’t quit Mark Haines even for a second. MarketWatch’s Jon Friedman has, however, and while he loves the DRat, needs to get several gripes off his chest.
1) Ratigan has a brain up in that dome piece of his, but isn’t being allowed to use it, or show off his riffing skills like he did on Fast Money, on account of being locked into a script. Friedman wants him improving, moving around the set, sticking his face in the camera, tap dancing and perhaps opening with some jokes.
2) Guests, and the issue of credibility. Friedman was disappointed that MSNBC allowed everyone’s favorite prostie connoisseur even into the studio, let alone on the set of Ratigan’s show because it made DRat look, by extension, like a cheap hooker. To this we say, how dare you? Spitzer injects credibility into everything he touches.
3) Bizarre non-sequiturs:

His references to the New York Knicks’ bloated salary structure and on-the-court futility was a strange counterpoint to a discussion about the endless wrangling over a solution to the health-care mess in Washington.

4) Asking a question then cutting his guest off before giving him a chance to answer that yes, Ashley does move her hips like a cyclone and he didn’t have to pay extra to wear the Scream mask while doing her from behind:

Continue reading »

$$$ Western Union Apologizes After Impostor’s Tirade [Bloomberg]
This is what we need more of. From the transcript:
Operator: Your next question comes from the line of Robert Napoli from Piper Jaffray. Please proceed.
(Q – Robert Napoli): Hi, Christina, you are going to jail — you really — you [indiscernible] now, and you are going to pay for the corruption. You buy judges [ph] — you buy everybody. You deserve [indiscernible] just to pull information on people, and I am going to name you and shame you, you bitch, and all of the people surrounding you, especially David Schlapbach, and you know all [indiscernible] with you. So get ready; you both in-charge [indiscernible]. You [indiscernible] a profit user, you bought the case [ph], but I am going to fuck you legally…
$$$ The S&P: Keeping It Real [Standard and Poors]
$$$ Which College Grads Make The Most Money? Supposedly Dartmouth ones, and a bunch of engineers. [The Atlantic]
$$$ The people who run this asylum want you to take this survey. We’re told it should be quick and painless.
$$$ Most Expensive August Rentals on the Market: Which Will Be Yours? [Curbed]
$$$ Arnold Has Something To Say [via]

A reader looking out for you people passes on this hot tip:

49th Street Deli b/w Park & Madison is closing. Everything (including beer!) is buy 1 get 2 free.