It’s pretty obvious that deep inside each one of you lurks a desire to be a thespian that’s hard to shake. You claim to be happy just sitting in front of Excel all day but you’re lying to yourselves and you’re lying to us: you want to see your name in bright lights, or on the call sheet for low budget porn, at the very least, searchable on IMDB. I’m not sure what the barriers to entry for the latter are (you may need to officially be named in the credits of a TV show or film) but there is now a distinct possibility you people are in.

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In a PBS interview last night, the Big O voiced his concern over the newest epidemic at Wall St. firms- making too much money. Our Commander in Chief is concerned that Wall St. “feels no remorse” for last year’s little fiasco and hasn’t changed its culture or behavior which is leading to large profits on risk taking. Ask a former Lehman employee if last September’s bankruptcy had any impact on the firm’s culture or behavior and you might get a different answer, But the real villains are GS and JPM. The truck loads of money the firms made in Q2 while getting the TARP hooks out of them has the President ready to push the panic button.

There are some companies like Goldman Sachs that paid the money back and that means that we don’t have the same kind of levers on them that we might have. And that’s why I think it’s important to pass this broader financial regulatory reform package.

With surtax proposals on high income earners floating around DC, it seems like Wall St. isn’t the only place where there hasn’t been much of a change.
After a 13 minute warm up on health care, the main event starts.

First we get word that Ponzi-Boy, besides being in desperate need of a haircut and some manscaping, is having a pretty okay time in prison. He’s got a job (engraving desk and door nameplates– maybe he’ll do yours!), he’s working out, and most importantly, he’s making friends and earning respect. And now, there’s a possibility Berns will have a bill named after him. Could you ask for more? It was introduced by Republican Assemblyman Jim Tedisco last night and would force “wealthy” inmates (Tedisco wants this to include those who are worth $200,000 or more) to foot the bill for their time behind bars, instead of putting it on the taxpayer. It’s not necessarily something you’d die to have your name tacked on to but it’s a start and from here branding opportunities are really limitless (Jimmy Cayne is apparently working on a strain of weed named for the Big Guy), with the Ponz-Master, of course, taking a cut. Action figures, cologne, a line a meat sauces if you want to think inside the box, but obviously we don’t, so dream big.

$$$ To pay off creditors, Lehman selling knick-knacks on eBay, none of which will ever come close to fetching as much as this. That’s not the most depressing part of this story however, which is: “Lehman will open a retail shop next week at its 1271 Sixth Ave. office” [Bloomberg]
$$$ IRS Agent Threatens to Kill Treasury Agents Then Throws a Conniption Fit [Going Concern]
$$$ The Private Jet Backlash [Daily Intel]
$$$ In Spain, Bank Robberies On The Rise [NYT]
$$$ Roubini: Economic Recovery to Be ‘Very Ugly’ [CNBC]

Based on what Florida regulators decided not to pursue to investigate when visiting the Miami offices of Sir Allen’s empire, it appears the agency had zero tolerance policy- for working. When regulators asked to see company records supporting the contention that investor money had been appropriately invested, they were simply told there weren’t any. In the face of this convincing explanation, which closed the matter, regulators pressed on and looked at the small matter of the pouches being stuffed with checks and (taking a page out of the innocent Hank Greenberg’s playbook) loaded onto private jets headed for Antigua. When they showed up in 2001 hoping to record a Kodak moment with the Caribbean-bound pouches, they were saddened to learn there were no outbound departures that day and then didn’t return to Stanford’s offices for another four years. Only in this age of personal responsibility could you find a $24 billion lawsuit against a sovereign nation for an alleged cover up at the same time the agencies that transparently let it happen go untouched.

Ladies, be cool. CNBC’s Steve Liesman got his Treasury buddies on the horn, and contrary to what Inspector General Neil Barofksy would like us to think–that the total potential federal government support could reach up to $23.7 trillion– Liesboy is told that ain’t gonna happen, for three reasons:
A) We’ve only laid out $2 trillion so far, meaning we’d actively have to work hard to burn through another 21 trill
2) Barofksy fails to take into account “charges, fees, and somesuch” the government will get to compensate the taxpayer for risk
D) Ne-Bar also let’s it slip his mind that we’ve got assets on the other side, which will offset some of the risk.
All that being said, Big Steve acknowledges the Treasury doesn’t supply a counter number, meaning it’s probably $23.7 trillion if not more, which is just going to kill Jesus when he finds out.

Now that stakeholders looking to milk the system out of every last dollar from bank bailouts know that their target is $23.7 trillion, the race is on to make sure Neil Barofsky is no liar. Today’s entrant is accounting firm Ernst & Young, which is advising the FRB of NY on how to wind down derivatives addict AIG. E&Y recently bumped up its advisory fee estimate by a respectable, although still rookie, 50% from $40 million to $60 million due to the fact that the “scope of work to be performed under the agreement has expanded in light of recent restructuring and other efforts.” Next up: E&Y hires outside subject matter experts to help it advise the FRB of NY advise multi-million dollar AIG employees on how to wind down derivatives contracts they don’t need any help with.

A Night Out With Cody Willard [NYT]

Charlie Gasparino reported that bit of news earlier, though what strikes us as most amusing is CNBC’s absolute shock that Goldman Sachs deigned to speak with Chaz.

Some of you will actually be getting bonuses this year, and in a few cases, huge ass bonuses. Since it’s never too early to start researching which trinkets you might blow the money on, we’re thinking we ought to discuss a possible contender: the home (and stuff) of a busted Mexican drug lord. If convicted, the pad belonging to Zhenli Ye Go is going to get auctioned off and wouldn’t it be fantabulous if one of you made it your/our own? I know what you’re probably thinking right about now– Bess, you dumb b, the manses in movies like Scarface aren’t actually like that. They’re not real. They’re played up for the big screen. They’re exaggerations, right? WRONG. “You realize that the mansions in movies like ‘Scarface’ aren’t exaggerations,” says Omar Yaffar, a 36-year-old manager at a branch of the Mexican Finance Ministry known as the Asset Administration and Disposal Service. “The real thing can be more amazing.” Think “Hansel and Gretel meets Pablo Escobar,” which for the coke blowing candy lovers in the audience (you know who you are, don’t deny it) should be argument enough to fork it over for this thing. For the others, who need a little more convincing, this is what you could be coming home to:
* a labyrinth of garden trails among man-made ponds fed by waterfalls
* a cave-like underground hot-tub complex about the size of a backyard swimming pool, featuring faux stalactites and a fireplace
* a glass skylight that allows bathers to gaze up at lions or a pair of albino tigers that dwell in a cage on the roof (the animals have since been donated to a zoo but you could get them back, easy, or bring in your own)
* Versace dinnerware to go with Baccarat wine glasses and Lalique Champagne flutes
Other items that will be up for grabs at the same auction, and which I really think you’ll need to feel comfortable in your new home:
* A Rolex watch and band custom-jeweled to resemble leopard’s skin
* De La Cour watches featuring skull or marijuana-leaf motifs
* a pair of gold pistol grips with raised eagle busts adorned with diamonds and emeralds
* those coke-smuggling sharks