Lenny Dykstra has officially filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. This wouldn’t be so tough to take if we could comfort ourselves by the idea of Nails returning home to his Thousand Oaks manse but, oh, right, the place is set to hit the auction block tomorrow. Right about now you could say we’re feeling a high level of rage and luckily, we know exactly where to direct it: Jim Cramer. This, we’re putting it out there, is all Jim Cramer’s fault. Not because he fired Lenny from his Street.com gig, “Nails by the Numbers,” in which Dykstra dispensed investment advice to subscribers, but for JC’s bold call made back in March 2008, when Cramer told Bob Costas, “Lenny Dykstra is one of the greats in this business,” which obviously put a curse on Len’s head, as did Cramer’s insistence on wearing a Nails jersey to bed every night. We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: an on-air apology is in order, as is a year’s supply of dip, a simple pleasure which LD can no longer afford.
In related news, we’re suggesting you cut your losses and run, Ron Insana.

Taking a page out of the same playbook that brought you TARP, Timmy G is trying to get the Consumer Financial Protection Agency approved before lawmakers have an opportunity to give the plan the traditional cursory reading. After a relentless fear campaign against every instrument of risk under the sun, Geithner believes his window of opportunity to get wide reaching legislation passed without a second thought is right now. In the words of Rep. Carolyn Maloney, “He gave a very strong argument to move quickly on it while we have the political will to make it happen”.
While the legions of banking lobbyists fighting the CFPA may take some comfort that even Democratic lawmakers want to give this thing a second look, time really may be running out. If the administration starts talking about green shoots turning to yellow weeds and the S&P 500 cooperates and sheds another 100+ points, the temptation to cage the financial product predators using any means necessary may be too great for the DC crew.

Get ‘em while they’re young, stupid and don’t know any better, as Ken Lewis has often sagaciously noted. BusinessWeek reports that a gaggle of B-schools are actively courting college students, hoping to get them to commit to MBA programs before they’ve completed undergrad, sometimes as early as freshman year, or at least before they’ve had the chance to date rape someone. Though admissions officials are doing stuff like lowering age requirements, accepting GRE scores in lieu of GMAT, and sending representatives into first year dorms with the directive to not take no for an answer, they claim they’re just meeting a demand by the youth of America, who are dying to get a piece of this MBA ass, on account of a lack of jobs and harping parents.

The surge in interest in MBA programs from the so-called millenial generation is being driven by a confluence of factors: a weak job market for undergraduates, a growing openness by business schools to younger applicants, and parents urging their children to consider graduate school at an earlier age, says Julia Tyler, a vice-president of the Graduate Management Admissions Council, which administers the GMAT exam
“I’m speculating here, but it may be that parents are at cocktail parties and they hear their friends talk about how their child is going to law school and medical school at 21 and they think, why not business school?” Tyler says. “I do think there is an influence of the helicopter-parent factors here that shouldn’t be underestimated.”

And if you thought this new movement was simply for third tier institutions who’ll take a warm body any way they can get it, think again. Harvard is getting in on the fun via its 2+2 Program, wherein the prospective oath-takers of the world can apply to HBS while still in college and secure a slot in a future class, provided they graduate and get two years of work experience. Likewise, a similar initiative is being considered at Jack Welch’s Online School Of Business applicants, where applicants needn’t provide proof of having yet graduated from high school. As long as they’re hungry enough to educate themselves in the art of how to conduct oneself on-board a corporate jet, under the tutelage of adjunct professor Bartiromo, they’ll be considered.

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As was previously expected, the House of Dimon has begun raising base pay for investment bankers, just like everyone else, in move that won’t really mean anything re: more clams in your pocket. First years were informed yesterday they’re being bumped up to $80k. No word yet on bonus numbers, which were supposed to be announced last Tuesday. It’s unclear why Dimon and Steve Black have been dragging their heels on this one, but they should know there are some junior rainmakers out there who are not happy. They won’t technically be doing anything about it, but there will be be pissing and moaning amongst themselves. Oh, there will be P ‘n M’ing amongst themselves.

In its crusade to uncover fraud and protect investors from getting Ponzied, the SEC is dedicating some of its resources to Steve Jobs’ health. Mary Schapiro’s troops are sniffing around trying to determine if Apple’s board witheld material information from investors while they were huddled together monitoring Jobs’ vital signs from mission control between the Jan. 5th announcment that he had a hormone imbalance and the Jan. 14th announcement that he was taking a 5 and a half month medical hiatus. Apple investors had to suffer through a 59% gain in the company’s stock while Jobs was away. The SEC’s ability to spend time going after Apple while junior Madoffs are likely packing their bags to escape to countries without extradition treatries can only be viewed as a green shoot.
Apple Disclosures Said to Be Subject of SEC Review [Bloomberg]

According to Bloomberg, the scam went down over the span of a decade, which strikes Bernie Madoff as pretty weak. Also, this is nothing new for Sky Capital.
Update: CNBC has now removed the reference to Sky Capital, which is odd, though not as disconcerting as the lack of a “Breaking News” banner (or on-air mention of the story at all), which is typically broken out for shit like “Citi: Still in the Toilet.”

Mark your calendars, girls! Massage enthusiast Jeffrey Epstein is expected to peace out of the Florida prison he’s been bunking at in the next several weeks. The exit is mostly a symbolic gesture (Big J has been allowed to leave the jail from 10am to 10 pm, six days a week to conduct business out of his Palm Beach office as part of a work release program) but that’s just the sort of thing we need these days. In not as joyous news, Epstein’s former guy/gal-pal, transgendered model Maximilia née Maximilian Cordero, has lost her her libel and defamation lawsuit against the Post. Max had taken issue with an article by the paper entitled “Gender-Bend Shocker: Kinky-Sex Suit Gal Is a Man,” which detailed, among other things, her predilection for pills and “masturbatory fantasy” of “being with multiple men and then multiple women.” According to Cordero’s lawyer/ex-boyfriend (and noted blogger) William Unroch, the facts were fiction and gave the impression that his client/ex-girlfriend was a “promiscuous slut.” The case was thrown out last week, which must certainly be a blow to MC, though looking on the bright side of things, Epstein will soon be available with a shoulder to cry on, etc.
Jeffrey Epstein And His Special Friend [Cityfile]

Meriwether Said To Shut JWM Hedge Fund After Losses (Bloomberg)
JWM Partners LLC is closing up shop after its flagship, Relative Value Opportunity II fund, lost 44 percent from September 2007 to February 2009. Obviously this won’t be the last we’ve heard from John, who’s currently working on the next flick of this slasher series, LTCM: The Resurrection. Get in while you still can.
Code Theft Could Cost Goldman Millions (NYT)
Aleynikov’s lawyer Sabrina Shrofftold told U.S. magistrate judge Kevin Fox that “if Goldman Sachs cannot possibly protect this kind of proprietary information that the government wants you to think is worth the entire United States market, one has to question how they plan to accommodate any other breach. I think the market is at risk no matter what then. It’s not necessarily attributable to my client’s actions,” Shroff said.
In California, Even The IOU’s Are Owed (NYT)
Tons of vendors who had been told they would receive the i.o.u.’s instead of actual money said they had not yet received them yesterday. Signed copies of Junior still up for grabs.
L.A. Targets Cannabis Clubs (WSJ)
“They are like a rash,” said City Councilman Ed Reyes, who is leading the effort to shut down many of the dispensaries. He said a colleague told him that at one dispensary near a high school, the student crowds outside made the pot store look “like an ice cream shop from the 1950s.”
Facebook Backer Struggling With Loser Fund (NYP)
Peter Thiel’s Clarium Capital down 4.4 percent for June, 6 percent YTD. Assets under management are down to $1.9 billion from $7.8 billion this time last year. Someone give Pedro a poke today– he could really use one.
Memorial Spotlights Staples (Boston Herald)
Staples cannot believe its good fortune re: reaching out and touching those who may have never heard of the company before the Michael Jackson extravaganza yesterday. So, thanks for dying, guy.
Explosive Divorce (NYP)
Crazy Connecticut Guy, shockingly not a down on his luck fund manager, holds ex-wife hostage. Here he is chatting it up with a reporter while the situation went down:

$$$ Now that they’ve fired everyone, Barclays is hiring again [The Deal]
$$$ Bank Slaughter [Reuters]
$$$ The McCloy house hits the market [CF]
$$$ Joe Cassano: The Man Who Crashed The World [VF]
$$$ The Observer reports that Steve Cohen only spent $2.7 million on his 20-something year-old son’s apartment, which the paper cannot get over. Since there probably isn’t anyone else who’s going to say it, the duty lies with us to put it out there that this might’ve been because the child in question is not the fruit of the big guy’s loins, but that of another dude with whom SC’s second wife Alexandra chilled prior to meeting Steve. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course, and surely the boy is loved just as much as the rest of ‘em, but those with the DNA of Papa Bear have don’t wipe their feet on welcome mats worth less than $3 mill. [Observer]